LDR doomed to fail?

[Ezag]

Hello there.

 

So, here's my story:

 

Met this great woman (26) online. For half a year we where just friends, because she was in love with someone else, then it became more. She started to fall for me too and now we've been a couple for 2 months. Everything is going great so far. Only met once, though. We basically hang out online all day together. We chat, we skype, we cam. All day. I have a lot of time because I'm only a student (22) and she's jobless for about 3 years now. So we don't have enough money to visit each other that often. So far, so good. Here's my little "problem":

 

We almost hang out 24/7 a day. Is that good? Isn't that too much? Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with her. I do it because I still can. But isn't that too clingy? What if I can't spend that much time with her anymore because I have to study and learn, or have in internship? She'll be on her own then. She doesn't have any friends. She had one guy friend who she was in love with madly for 2 years, but they broke off their contact because she's with me now. She doesn't go out either. Just hangs around at home on the internet all the time or sleeps. She has no hobbies that involve going out. Lives with her mom and she often says she should get out of her room. She basically lives her life online and I'm the only one she's got. I just hope these things don't become a problem once the honeymoon phase is over.

 

Should I talk to her about it? Don't wanna start a fight now, she easily gets pressured by stuff like that. I just don't want to feel her like less loved if I get busy with my studies or something like that. Or am I overthinking everything too much?

[Fruitee]

Not healthy. Support her to get a job or study place or something instead of just hanging online

[Ezag]

Not healthy. Support her to get a job or study place or something instead of just hanging online

What's not healthy? That we are hanging out with each other for almost 24/7? I enjoy it, because I have freetime now. But I'm worried she might not take it good if I get busy with studying. Like 'in the beginning you were so into me and spent every minute with me, now it's getting less and less.'

 

And with the job thing: I think she's old enough to do it herself, but if I would meddle into that, she would probably feel pressured. She doesn't like being pressured.

[ExpatInItaly]

What's not healthy? That we are hanging out with each other for almost 24/7? I enjoy it, because I have freetime now. But I'm worried she might not take it good if I get busy with studying. Like 'in the beginning you were so into me and spent every minute with me, now it's getting less and less.'

 

And with the job thing: I think she's old enough to do it herself, but if I would meddle into that, she would probably feel pressured. She doesn't like being pressured.

 

You've just answered your own question.

 

I also see major red flags in the fact that she has zero life outside the computer. That isn't a healthy or sustainable way to live. Why hasn't she worked in so long? That would be a big cause for concern for me.

 

Both of these issues won't translate well into an offline, in-person relationship.

[Ezag]

You've just answered your own question.

 

I also see major red flags in the fact that she has zero life outside the computer. That isn't a healthy or sustainable way to live. Why hasn't she worked in so long? That would be a big cause for concern for me.

 

Both of these issues won't translate well into an offline, in-person relationship.

But how much contact is healthy in a LDR? And what can happen if we have too much contact? It's my first LDR, so any advice would be helpful.

 

Well, I'm often online too if I don't study. Sometimes even when I'm at the uni.

 

I don't know why she hasn't worked in so long. She already was like this when I met her. She's sending out applications from time to time, but no job interview so far. I don't try to nag about it, I know it's sometimes hard to get a job. She's an introvert, shy and doesn't like people that much, get's easly nervous when meeting new people. Maybe that's why.

 

And she's always losing people. She's friends with them for a few months, max. 2-3 years and then they leave her. I don't get it, she's so nice and sweet. She always tells me how people leave her after awhile.

[ExpatInItaly]

But how much contact is healthy in a LDR? And what can happen if we have too much contact? It's my first LDR, so any advice would be helpful.

 

Well, I'm often online too if I don't study. Sometimes even when I'm at the uni.

 

I don't know why she hasn't worked in so long. She already was like this when I met her. She's sending out applications from time to time, but no job interview so far. I don't try to nag about it, I know it's sometimes hard to get a job. She's an introvert, shy and doesn't like people that much, get's easly nervous when meeting new people. Maybe that's why.

 

And she's always losing people. She's friends with them for a few months, max. 2-3 years and then they leave her. I don't get it, she's so nice and sweet. She always tells me how people leave her after awhile.

 

You have to realize that the common denominator is her. There is a reason people stay away from her, even if you don't see it yet. Perhaps it hasn't something to do with the fact that, in your own words, she doesn't like people very much. She doesn't sound open to friendships.

 

Also, I can't see how she's ready for any type of adult relationship when she still lives at home with essentially no motivation to do anything. How old is she? She will one day need to support herself. I would be very concerned about the fact that hasn't held a job in three years. Who is paying her living expenses? Mom?

[Ezag]

You have to realize that the common denominator is her. There is a reason people stay away from her, even if you don't see it yet. Perhaps it hasn't something to do with the fact that, in your own words, she doesn't like people very much. She doesn't sound open to friendships.

 

Also, I can't see how she's ready for any type of adult relationship when she still lives at home with essentially no motivation to do anything. How old is she? She will one day need to support herself. I would be very concerned about the fact that hasn't held a job in three years. Who is paying her living expenses? Mom?

She focuses on one person only. Like I said, before me was this guy she was in love with for 2 years. All her attention went to him. Sure, she talked to me to that time, but he was the number one. Now that he's gone, I am her number one and she focuses everything on me. I think that's her problem, she does just care for that one person. She had friends in RL too, but they stopped inviting her to partys and stuff. Because she always said no or doesn't have the money. Probably they got tired of it. I don't know, she just said they were *******s.

 

She's 26. Yes, her mom pays the bills. Her mom often gets angry with her, because she sits in her room all day. Always telling her to come out of her room once in a while or walk the dog. She gets unemployment benefits but she spends that for buying stuff. I live with my dad too, but I'm 22 and a student. University is not that far from home, but that's a different story I guess.

Edited April 17, 2016 by Ezag

[ExpatInItaly]

Does this really sound like someone who's an ideal girlfriend candidate?

 

Sponges off mom, pushes away friends and then calls them names, doesn't want to work, and has centered her life around the computer?

 

She sounds like a giant child.

[Ezag]

Does this really sound like someone who's an ideal girlfriend candidate?

 

Sponges off mom, pushes away friends and then calls them names, doesn't want to work, and has centered her life around the computer?

 

She sounds like a giant child.

Well, she told me they invited her to a party and then no one talked to her the entire evening. Or didn't talk much to her. Sounds like they were not good friends. Sure, I was not there with her and I can't confirm it. Only can believe what she told me.

 

The thing is, aside from that she's a really sweet and nice person. We share the same interests and beliefs. That's rare. Maybe now that we have a LDR she will find a job, so she can afford to come and meet me often? Maybe she will change now.

[oldshirt]

OK someone has to come out and say it - this isn't real. This is a fantasy world your are conjuring up in your head around a keyboard and glowing rectangle. You've only met her once in real life. she is a stranger. This is what we used to call pen pals back when I was a kid. Get away from the computer and get out of the house and do things with real people in the real world. Meet a real flesh and blood girl in the real world and actually do things with her and interact with her personally in the real physical world. Unhook from the matrix and get a real relationship with a real live flesh and blood woman.

[Ezag]

OK someone has to come out and say it - this isn't real. This is a fantasy world your are conjuring up in your head around a keyboard and glowing rectangle. You've only met her once in real life. she is a stranger. This is what we used to call pen pals back when I was a kid. Get away from the computer and get out of the house and do things with real people in the real world. Meet a real flesh and blood girl in the real world and actually do things with her and interact with her personally in the real physical world. Unhook from the matrix and get a real relationship with a real live flesh and blood woman.

But that's how LDR work, isn't? That's why they are called LDR. We see each other via Webcam often and we talk in Skype. Our next meeting is in 2 weeks.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, she told me they invited her to a party and then no one talked to her the entire evening. Or didn't talk much to her. Sounds like they were not good friends. Sure, I was not there with her and I can't confirm it. Only can believe what she told me.

 

The thing is, aside from that she's a really sweet and nice person. We share the same interests and beliefs. That's rare. Maybe now that we have a LDR she will find a job, so she can afford to come and meet me often? Maybe she will change now.

 

I doubt it. Has she tried to find a job within the time you've known her? The answer is no, if she spends essentially all her time online. And everyone around her enables it, with her mom paying for everything and you going to see her. (I assume that's the plan for your meeting in two weeks, right?)

 

At 26, she is very immature, which doesn't bode well for a relationship. I wouldn't invest any further in this one. I personally couldn't be with someone who behaves that way.

[Ezag]

I doubt it. Has she tried to find a job within the time you've known her? The answer is no, if she spends essentially all her time online. And everyone around her enables it, with her mom paying for everything and you going to see her. (I assume that's the plan for your meeting in two weeks, right?)

 

At 26, she is very immature, which doesn't bode well for a relationship. I wouldn't invest any further in this one. I personally couldn't be with someone who behaves that way.

Actually, she wants to visit me this time. But I have the hope she will change. I don't wanna give up on her because of this. I love her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Actually, she wants to visit me this time. But I have the hope she will change. I don't wanna give up on her because of this. I love her.

 

How is she going to visit you when she has no money?

[Ezag]

How is she going to visit you when she has no money?

She gets unemployment benefits every month. So I guess she saved some and didn't spent everything.

[oldshirt]

Actually, she wants to visit me this time. But I have the hope she will change. I don't wanna give up on her because of this. I love her.

 

 

 

You don't love her. You don't even know her. You are in love with the fantasy that you have of her.

[basil67]

Actually, she wants to visit me this time. But I have the hope she will change. I don't wanna give up on her because of this. I love her.

 

You're with her because of her potential. And judging on her current attitude, it's potential that she will never reach.

 

Don't ever date for potential. Make your choices based on who someone is NOW.

[smackie9]

Sorry but LDRs are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. The only thing you get is attention, and all it is doing is feeding your obsession. It's preventing you from having a real GF.

 

She has no ambition to do something with her life.

She has no job, no education.

She has no life to speak off, just dependency on your attention that you give her.

She has no friends, no social life, all she has is you.

You have no job or money.

You spend all your waking hours if not in school but at home in front of a computer screen.

You are neglecting having friends, a social life, dreams, hobbies, activities a bright individual like you should have/be doing.

You are wasting away your youth on this crap, when you should be experiencing real life.

I feel you are starting to realize there is no true future for you both being together, because you need to have a life, to do fun things, meet new people, go to parties, and hang out with friends...with her you have none of that. That would scare the crap out of me.

[basil67]

hmmm.....her mother is supporting her but she can afford $$ to buy an airfare to come see you? What a selfish piece of work she is! All money she gets should be be spent on her upkeep (rent, food, utilities) and job hunting.

 

Frankly, her mother needs to stop supporting her so that she will be forced to get a job.

[smackie9]

hmmm.....her mother is supporting her but she can afford $$ to buy an airfare to come see you? What a selfish piece of work she is! All money she gets should be be spent on her upkeep (rent, food, utilities) and job hunting.

 

Frankly, her mother needs to stop supporting her so that she will be forced to get a job.

It's possible she suffers from a mental illness, and isn't getting the treatment she needs. Her mom just feels sorry for her and keeps enabling her.

 

She's sleeps all day and doesn't do anything is a good indicator of severe depression.

[oldshirt]

Sorry but LDRs are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. The only thing you get is attention, and all it is doing is feeding your obsession. It's preventing you from having a real GF.

 

She has no ambition to do something with her life.

She has no job, no education.

She has no life to speak off, just dependency on your attention that you give her.

She has no friends, no social life, all she has is you.

You have no job or money.

You spend all your waking hours if not in school but at home in front of a computer screen.

You are neglecting having friends, a social life, dreams, hobbies, activities a bright individual like you should have/be doing.

You are wasting away your youth on this crap, when you should be experiencing real life.

I feel you are starting to realize there is no true future for you both being together, because you need to have a life, to do fun things, meet new people, go to parties, and hang out with friends...with her you have none of that. That would scare the crap out of me.

 

Print this off and tape it to your refridgerator, bathroom mirror and ceiling above your bed so you can see it and read it again and again throughout the day.

 

 

You are spending your time and energies in front of an electronic screen instead of being out doing things and living a real life. You are doing this to chase a fantasy, a mirage, a phantom.

 

 

You think you are in love and you think you have a girlfriend and a relationship, but it isn't real.

[Ezag]

It's possible she suffers from a mental illness, and isn't getting the treatment she needs. Her mom just feels sorry for her and keeps enabling her.

 

She's sleeps all day and doesn't do anything is a good indicator of severe depression.

She sleeps all day because she's up till 2 or 3pm. Not everday, sometimes "only" till 5-6 in the morning. She's a night person. I am too. She doesn't suffer from depression, I think more like low self esteem.

 

It's the new young generation. We chat, we play online games all day and we spent too much time on the internet. But in a LDR you have to spent every second you get with each other. Otherwise you couldn't even call it a relationship. I know, you guys don't call it that because you are against LDR.

 

But seriously, you guys think this won't last long?

 

@basil67: Her mother tries. But in the end, she gives in.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Ezag

[basil67]

She sleeps all day because she's up till 2 or 3pm. Not everday, sometimes "only" till 5-6 in the morning. She's a night person. I am too. She doesn't suffer from depression, I think more like low self esteem.

 

It's the new young generation. We chat, we play online games all day and we spent too much time on the internet. But in a LDR you have to spent every second you get with each other. Otherwise you couldn't even call it a relationship. I know, you guys don't call it that because you are against LDR.

 

But seriously, you guys think this won't last long?

 

@basil67: Her mother tries. But in the end, she gives in.

 

Sure, it could last long if you want it to. But you'd be accepting a very poor specimen of a partner. A partner who will probably not work and sponge off you just like she has her mother.

 

Her mother tries to stand up to her but gives in eventually? So, I take it we can add 'demanding, manipulating and self entitled' to your girlfriend's list of character traits.

Edited April 18, 2016 by basil67

[Ezag]

Sure, it could last long if you want it to. But you'd be accepting a very poor specimen of a partner. A partner who will probably not work and sponge off you just like she has her mother.

 

Her mother tries to stand up to her but gives in eventually? So, I take it we can add 'demanding, manipulating and self entitled' to your girlfriend's list of character traits.

I think she's trying to find a job. Sure, I can't confirm it cause I'm not there and see it.

 

Yeah, when we skype she often yells. Tells her to come out of her room once in a while, take the dog out and stuff. And sometimes, when she's hungry and wants some pizza, her mother denies at first but then buys it. Mostly because she's hungry too.

[basil67]

I think she's trying to find a job. Sure, I can't confirm it cause I'm not there and see it.

 

Yeah, when we skype she often yells. Tells her to come out of her room once in a while, take the dog out and stuff. And sometimes, when she's hungry and wants some pizza, her mother denies at first but then buys it. Mostly because she's hungry too.

 

If she's not telling you about applications she's putting in and interviews coming up, then she's not looking. Besides, looking for work is a full time job - but you know she spends her time gaming and talking with you.

 

I mean, you're worried about how she'll feel when you can't be online all the time because of work - this tells us that she has zero work ethic. Any reasonable person would understand that work takes precedence.

 

Why doesn't she get up off her rear end and go buy pizza for herself and her mother? It's not like her mother is taking all her money! Or why doesn't she go in the kitchen and cook herself and her mother a meal?

 

The more you try and explain this, the worse she sounds.