New phase of LDR?

[unexpected]

So, I have another question/scenario that has been picking at my brain.

 

I've been in an LDR for about 6 months now. As stated in previous threads, we are not spring chickens (44 and 42 years, respectively). We had previously dated 20 years ago and that lasted almost 5 years but it fell apart and we found ourselves married to other people. We never ended contact with each other but mostly it was just an email or two a year. Well, when she found out I was going through a divorce, she revealed that she was also divorced so we decided to meet again after a 20 year hiatus and lo, and behold, we have been seeing each other ever since (like magic, only real).

 

Anyway, she as supposed to visit last week but had to cancel due to an emergency with her son, who lives with her (he's 19 and has been struggling a bit emotionally since she divorced two years ago). This was the first cancellation since we started seeing each other again. We see each other every four weeks for a 4-5 day stint.

 

Because her son, mother, father, my daughter, and my ex-wife are all unaware of the relationship me and my old girlfriend are having, we barely talk on the phone because I can't when my daughter is around (50% of the time) and she can't when her son is around (100% of the time). So, we text and occasionally email. To cut to the chase, we talked on the phone twice last week when she was unable to visit. Everything seemed normal, nothing suspicious from what I could tell and she re-scheduled the visit for next week and sent me the plane reservation information.

 

However, starting this week, I have barely heard from her. I tried to back off because I knew she was busy with her job and her son. But, in the past she would usually text me later at night after she would get in bed (since her son wasn't around). This week, she hasn't responded to any of my texts that I sent after 8 pm or so. She says she's been tired and going to bed early. But, even when she does respond the next day, it's literally like 4 - 6 words, total! Even to the one email I sent. So, I've been trying to take it with stride because the few words she does text are "Miss you" and "Love You".

 

I guess my question for the panel is should I be alarmed by this behavior? Is it normal at the 4 -6 month period in an LDR to just ease off of things a little bit knowing the road is long? I mean, she barely has time to go out with friends so I doubt she's met somebody else, but I suppose anything is possible. I also know that I am notorious for overthinking things. My approach at this point is to just let it be for now and see if she actually shows up next week. I suppose if she does and we plan another get together four weeks later, that would qualify as commitment since she literally has to get on a plane to see me. I've gone to see her too, but since she lives with her son, we don't stay in town - we go to the beach or cabin camping in the woods! So, it would be really inconvenient for her to continue this relationship if she had someone else or was just tired of putting forth the effort. At that point in time, I would think she would willingly come forth with those feelings or tell me if there was a change in her situation and stop this. I'm okay with her not texting much or talking much if she truly just needs some space and a chance to breathe. But, if it is because she is having second thoughts, I'd rather her just come out and say it. I'd be okay, I'm a big boy!

 

Anyway, thoughts?

[alwayshopeful1]

Unexpected,

 

I write as I am going through something very similar and was actually stood up this week by the person I'm in a LDR with. The relationship is very new actually (3 months old) however has been driven by so much passion from the beginning that now that it's completely dwindled in that regard it has left me lost and with many unanswered questions.

 

It's difficult to fathom that someone who's been pretty straight forward with you in terms of the LDR, straight forward on how they feel with you and has made quite a bit of effort to spend time with you would just completely withdraw with not much of an explanation.

 

I wish I could offer you some advice and take that advice as well. I reached out to the person I've been talking to for the first time since he stood me up (he was suppose to visit Monday and like your partner would always confirm prior, send me plane reservation screenshots) to express in detail how I feel. Like you guys I have two children and rely heavily on third party texting apps to make sure my children don't come across our conversations as I have recently divorced as well.

 

I was about to post a thread on this exact same topic when I stumbled across yours. The person I'm involved with is a blast from the past that apparently spent many years looking for me, found me and we picked up right where we left off. There hasn't been a doubt as to how he feels about me but lately I've physically felt the distance and I don't know what it's due to. Could it be someone else, he's too busy, he's lost interest, he has his own problems? I don't know because like your partner, the responses are short. They're loving responses but not the way they use to be. So I too have backed off, given distance. Until I sent a message this morning. He hasn't read my message and at this point I'm wondering if he even will. We would talk every single day. Initiated by each of us. And It's okay to NOT talk everyday but now I haven't even heard from him at all since being stood up. It's very unlike him ESPECIALLY since the plans made for this week were initiated by him and he kept telling me how much he missed and couldn't wait to see me.

 

I believe I'm probably looking for closure? If he is no longer interested the least he could do is just tell me. Out of courtesy and respect. I'm a big girl (like you mentioned- lol).

 

Wishing you the best of luck and hoping she responds to you soon!

Edited April 14, 2016 by alwayshopeful1

[unexpected]

Well, she hasn't just stopped texting me. She does text me; but it's usually short. I did get more out of her this morning. Pretty much "it's been a tough week, work-wise, health-wise, son-wise, and anxiety-wise". I asked her about her health (she suffers from anemia and bouts of anxiety) and she said her blood count was low and her anxiety was high! She's been very tired (likely the anemia) and she's been trying to relax and move forward. She says she's had one or two panic attacks this week whereas she has not had any for months. I'm not sure whether the relationship is becoming too much for her or her sons recent issues are causing her to panic. I asked her directly if we were okay and she said "yes", so I just have to take her at her word. That's all you can do in an LDR without crossing the line of snooping, hiring a PI, etc (which if you have to do all that - why stay in the relationship at all)? Her son goes to stay with his father over the Summer and she has previously shown interest in spending a few whole weeks (consecutively) with me while my daughter is visiting friends out of the State or going to camp. She's also alluded to joining me on a cruise in the Fall. So, once the children are out of the picture we'll get a better look at true intentions, whatever they may be.

 

I guess I just continue to give her space and see if she shows up next week (shrugging shoulders). Accusations are never good. Things usually show themselves eventually. Sometimes we make a mountain out of a mole hill and sometimes the mole-hill is a mountain (it just looks smaller from a distance).

[alwayshopeful1]

Wishing you the very best of luck!

[unexpected]

So, I sat and thought about things for a while and I remembered back to the beginning of the relationship when I promised my SO that I would let her know if things were not working for me. In the true spirit of "taking back the crown" (TBTC), I texted her and told her that I understood she was having a tough week, but if this was an indication of how things were going to go, the relationship would not work for me!

 

She did not get mad. She did not get angry. She actually had about a 30 minute text conversation with me about various different things and about the state of our relationship. She said she is still on for the visit next week and even ended telling me she would check in later!

 

I guess it pays to be upfront and honest as I was totally ready to walk if she said that I was out of place or that I was asking for too much. Because I felt like I wasn't asking for too much. I was telling her what I wanted and what my expectations are. They're MY expectations and I wasn't using them as a threat but rather as a clear communication of what I want out of relationship with her or any other woman! It was up to her to state whether she was comfortable with those expectations.

 

So, now she knows! And, now I know what it feels like to be ready to walk if the relationship turns into something that does not fulfill my expectations. My expectations are reasonable. I told her I just didn't want to be treated like an afterthought.

 

I'm happy I stood my ground. I stood up for me!

[basil67]

Why are you both keeping this a secret from your kids? (I'm thinking about how difficult it is finding time to communicate)

[unexpected]

Why are you both keeping this a secret from your kids? (I'm thinking about how difficult it is finding time to communicate)

 

Well, my daughter is 10 and I'm not 'officially' divorced, yet (everything should be official in less than a month). My wife moved out last September and we've been separated since last June. It's all a bit much, a bit fast for a 10 year old. I told my daughter I wouldn't introduce her to anyone I was dating unless I felt that person was going to become a regular presence in her life. This LDR is new! Been going for 6 months and we're looking at a year or two before my SO would even be able to move to be with me. She is waiting for her son to finish his bachelors and she is providing him free room and board throughout college. Needless to say, that's a long time for an LDR and I'm realistic in believing the odds are stacked against us. That is why I am not bringing it up to my daughter, yet. Now that I'm becoming single I don't want my daughters life to become a revolving door of woman I date, only to have them disappear from her life when/if things don't work out. I have a timeline of around Spring 2017 to break the news to my daughter if I'm still dating my SO. I also have a timeline for revealing that I'm dating my SO to my ex-wife in the Fall of this year, if things are still going well. My ex-wife knows my SO from 20 years ago! She was my rebound when things broke apart from the SO. So, that'll be interesting!

 

My SO is not telling her 19 year old son right now because he is still struggling with her divorce from two years ago. He is very protective of her, barely letting guys get between him and her when they are out and about (you know, like a gentlemen trying to make small talk with a woman he finds attractive). She also married her rebound from our relationship 20 years ago and her son is the result of that relationship. So, his father will shoot fire from his eyes when he finds out she is seeing me! She claims she will break the news to her son and her ex-husband this Summer while they are together and away from her (smart)! Her son stays with his father in the Summer in another State!

 

So, that is the reason why none of the children know right now. The time is not yet right and no 'official' decisions have been made about the future. We talk about a future together but for now it is merely speculation and dreams. When/if things become more realistically clear, those who need to know will be told.

[acrosstheuniverse]

While I respect your decision to take things slow with regard to young kids, it comes across like you guys are sneaking around as though you're doing something wrong, talking about breaking the news to people, how the exes are going to go nuts etc. all of this is a lot of pressure on any relationship! You're doing nothing wrong. It's incredibly common for people to wind up dating their exes from many years ago after going their separate ways and marrying and having families with other people, my dad and stepmom were high school sweethearts and reconnected in their fifties after both of their marriages had ended and have been utterly blissfully married for the past ten years!

 

It might come as less as a shock than you think, or be easier to bear than you guys meeting someone completely new who your kids parents don't know and can't trust yet.

 

I'm not saying change your timeline, just don't act like it's you against the world or assume it's gonna be this big drama when you start telling people, how you approach it could affect how it is received, the more 'listen I have something to tell you you're not gonna like' you are, the more of a transgression you make it out to be when it isn't at all. Just approach it like you would if you were dating anyone else after a divorce.

 

Good luck.

[unexpected]

While I respect your decision to take things slow with regard to young kids, it comes across like you guys are sneaking around as though you're doing something wrong, talking about breaking the news to people, how the exes are going to go nuts etc. all of this is a lot of pressure on any relationship! You're doing nothing wrong. It's incredibly common for people to wind up dating their exes from many years ago after going their separate ways and marrying and having families with other people, my dad and stepmom were high school sweethearts and reconnected in their fifties after both of their marriages had ended and have been utterly blissfully married for the past ten years!

 

It might come as less as a shock than you think, or be easier to bear than you guys meeting someone completely new who your kids parents don't know and can't trust yet.

 

I'm not saying change your timeline, just don't act like it's you against the world or assume it's gonna be this big drama when you start telling people, how you approach it could affect how it is received, the more 'listen I have something to tell you you're not gonna like' you are, the more of a transgression you make it out to be when it isn't at all. Just approach it like you would if you were dating anyone else after a divorce.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for sharing your insight. That is worthy advice.

 

Just curious, why do you think it ends up that way, where people wind up back with old exes? Honestly, I said for years that I would never date my ex again. I had enough of her bs the first time around! But, I meet up with her and one thing leads to another and blam-o, we're dating again! I was so certain I could reunite with her and not have those old feelings return. She was pretty certain, too. We were both pretty shocked and surprised by how things unfolded!

[Lois_Griffin]

While I respect your decision to take things slow with regard to young kids, it comes across like you guys are sneaking around as though you're doing something wrong, talking about breaking the news to people, how the exes are going to go nuts etc. all of this is a lot of pressure on any relationship! You're doing nothing wrong. It's incredibly common for people to wind up dating their exes from many years ago after going their separate ways and marrying and having families with other people, my dad and stepmom were high school sweethearts and reconnected in their fifties after both of their marriages had ended and have been utterly blissfully married for the past ten years!

Seriously.

 

Catering to a 19 year old teenage kid because he's STILL 'upset' about her divorce 2 YEARS ago is just ridiculous. Surely this kid has something better to do with his time - like go to college or make something of himself - than spending it whining to his mommy that she can never date again?

 

This type of over-indulgence and continued placating of this kid just creates a self-entitled brat who thinks he has a right to control everything his mother does. She's a fool if she thinks this is the smart thing to do.

[unexpected]

Seriously.

 

Catering to a 19 year old teenage kid because he's STILL 'upset' about her divorce 2 YEARS ago is just ridiculous. Surely this kid has something better to do with his time - like go to college or make something of himself - than spending it whining to his mommy that she can never date again?

 

This type of over-indulgence and continued placating of this kid just creates a self-entitled brat who thinks he has a right to control everything his mother does. She's a fool if she thinks this is the smart thing to do.

 

Not going to disagree. Don't feel it's my place to push back, yet, or ever. We all make choices in life, and if she chooses to let him get between us - she'll get what she chooses!

[unexpected]

Not going to disagree. Don't feel it's my place to push back, yet, or ever. We all make choices in life, and if she chooses to let him get between us - she'll get what she chooses!

 

Update:

 

So, it looks like her son is not just 'acting up'. He has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and has been suicidal. This has really caused a disruption in the LDR as he does not want inpatient treatment which means she has to sit with him every night until he goes to sleep so he doesn't hurt himself. He is getting treatment but they are having problems getting his meds right. My SO has now canceled our last two meetups. So, now I kind of have new issues that I'd like advice for from the community.

 

My SO is beginning to second guess our relationship. Because of the current situation with her son she doesn't know when we will see each other again and for the first time since the relationship started, we don't have a date on the calendar for our next meetup. I told her that it was okay if we wanted to put things on hold for a few months to let things work themselves out. She is now taking time to think about how she wants to move forward. Tonight, she texted to say that maybe I should just move on without her. But, I know that isn't what she wants. She thinks having me wait in an unknown environment is unfair to me and she doesn't want to be responsible for that. Then, she back tracked and said she didn't want to discuss it over text. She thinks we just need to take a step back and see where we are. I believe most of this is her stress talking. I believe that if I just give her space for a month or so that things will work themselves out where her son is concerned.

 

Does anybody in the community have any advice for this situation? Should I just leave her be and move on with my life and see if she comes back around when things settle down? Should I just move on and forget her altogether? It's not like I have someone else I'm running to. I'd just be hanging out raising my daughter, going to work, going fishing, camping, etc. She even mentioned the possibility of just being FWB for a while until things settle down, basically giving me reign to find somebody else if I wanted to. But, like I said, I'm willing to hold out and wait as long as is reasonable (end of Summer, mid-Fall) for things to settle down for her. I'm very confused. I don't want to stay if she really wants me to go, or if she wants to see someone else, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It just seems that she isn't available right now because of, well, life!

 

I'm really interested in what the community has to say.

[unexpected]

I just wanted to update the community on how this turned out. It was a nightmare beyond what one could imagine.

 

In summary, the relationship truly DID end when her son started having issues (if he ever had issues, read on). I never saw her again after our outing in March. Around May, she told me to just move on because she didn't know when/if she'd be able to see me again. I dated a little but kept in contact with her. In late August, she sent me a short email stating her ex-husband, not her son, killed himself! Of course, I look up the obit and she is listed as his surviving wife! She was never divorced. Told me she had been for two years. Fabricated a whole story about why their marriage failed, what happened in the divorce proceedings, who got what, how much it cost...etc! There is no easy way to verify a divorce in Georgia without having to send a $10 check to the clerk of courts and wait for a snail mail response (I know, ridiculous). Whereas, in my State, I can access the Circuit Court on line and look up a persons name to see anything they were involved with that went through the court system. Anyway, I called her out on the obit, she made some bs claim that her Mother wrote it and never agreed with the divorce so she would not acknowledge it in the obit. I didn't believe her but I told her if she needed anybody to talk to, she could call me. One night she calls, I'm with my daughter so I push her to vm. Two minutes later she texts me, furiously, that I had promised to be there for her and now I'm pushing her to vm because I'm with my ****ing daughter (her words, not mine). I feel she is upset, mourning, etc. So, I tell her to give me 10 minutes. I call her 10 minutes later, she doesn't answer. She starts texting a bunch of mean and hateful things that end with, "I can't believe I wasted so much ****ing time and affection on you. I wish you would just go away!". I responded with one word - "Done".

 

I haven't heard from her since. Sociopath's really hate it when they get caught in their own web of lies and deceit.

 

Just thought the community might be interested in how this one turned out.

 

On the plus side, I continued dating and meeting new people and met someone local. Been seeing her for about month now. Seems good. So, sometimes you just gotta turn the page.

[justwhoiam]

Quite shocking. You probably will never know what was going on in that family. Maybe the husband was a psychiatric patient, but she was afraid to tell you, because who could have accepted that kind of deal. Anyway, now you moved on with your life, so no need to look back, I guess.