Lola2609 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I met this on vacation and we talked for months before I visited him (we live more than 2000miles apart). Everything went great and a week after I returned back home he offered to come and visit me soon. I liked him a lot and cant wait to see him again but... I would prefer we go somewhere else instead of him coming to my city (I do not hide anything from him but I need time to sort out certain things in my life before letting him in completely). Even before I visited him, we talked about going to another city together but that never happened. This might be an opportunity to go there but I dont know how to bring this up and not offend him. I mean he offered to come and visit me. Should I tell him I want to go somewhere else ( I dont want him to get some crazy ideas or the impression I am hiding something). Or is it better to just let him visit me? Link to post Share on other sites
Chris516 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I met this on vacation and we talked for months before I visited him (we live more than 2000miles apart). Everything went great and a week after I returned back home he offered to come and visit me soon. I liked him a lot and cant wait to see him again but... I would prefer we go somewhere else instead of him coming to my city (I do not hide anything from him but I need time to sort out certain things in my life before letting him in completely). Even before I visited him, we talked about going to another city together but that never happened. This might be an opportunity to go there but I dont know how to bring this up and not offend him. I mean he offered to come and visit me. Should I tell him I want to go somewhere else ( I don't want him to get some crazy ideas or the impression I am hiding something). Or is it better to just let him visit me? I can sort of identify with your situation. I have been talking on the phone every night, with a woman close to my age. We live 2,600mi.+ from each other. I have saved up enough $ to go visit her. How I feel about her. Even when she told me she is fat. I said something like 'too bad, that doesn't change how I feel about you'. I don't expect her to be able to fly out here. I am perfectly fine with that. In my previous LDR, I did all the flying out to there. You should tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 What do you need to get sorted out in your life that would prohibit him (figuratively-speaking) from visiting your city? This is what you need to explain to him when you suggest meeting elsewhere. If you don't, it's going to look suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I would prefer we go somewhere else instead of him coming to my city Just tell him: right now, I would really love a vacation somewhere, with no one around but us, so to speak. I don't feel like having friends and family breathing on my neck, I need a break from anyone and enjoy time alone with you. What do you think if we go to... [insert name of place/city/town], or we could rent a car/use my car and tour [you name it]. That's all it takes. I guess he won't have anything against it. I'm sure life will give you plenty of time to be with your respective families. Now it's more like the honeymoon phase, so I understand that. See what happens and let us know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 What do you need to get sorted out in your life that would prohibit him (figuratively-speaking) from visiting your city? This is what you need to explain to him when you suggest meeting elsewhere. If you don't, it's going to look suspicious. We only met two times and I am definitely not ready to share certain parts of my life with him yet. Again, nothing bad or something that he wouldn't understand. Only my closest friends know about certain things I was going through and I am still not ready to share that part of my life with him. I think that is understandable. I am only afraid not to insult him by going somewhere else instead of showing him my city (I visited him at his home). Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 We only met two times and I am definitely not ready to share certain parts of my life with him yet. Again, nothing bad or something that he wouldn't understand. It's really hard to offer advice when we don't have the slightest clue what this 'thing' that you don't want him to see is. It's your prerogative to suggest a neutral location, of course. But if I had already talked to a guy for months and met and dated twice, and he was absolutely against me visiting the place where he lived, I would be pretty wary. So don't be surprised if he is put off by it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 It's really hard to offer advice when we don't have the slightest clue what this 'thing' that you don't want him to see is. It's your prerogative to suggest a neutral location, of course. But if I had already talked to a guy for months and met and dated twice, and he was absolutely against me visiting the place where he lived, I would be pretty wary. So don't be surprised if he is put off by it. I wouldn't insist against him coming. I would just mention it, as a suggestion. But have no clue how to say that and not sound really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 I wouldn't insist against him coming. I would just mention it, as a suggestion. But have no clue how to say that and not sound really bad. Unless you're willing to open up and bit and share what's happened, we can't really make any good suggestions as to how you should word it. What is it you don't want him knowing about, that your friends might spill? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 So, I met this guy on a vacation and after few months of staying in touch and talking/texting every day I flew to his state to visit him. We had three amazing days and I returned home. We kept talking every day and a month later he visited me. He stayed for 5 days and again it was great. As soon as he got back home, he asked me when would be the best time to get together again. All this sounds great but... We never talked about what we want and what we are looking for. We even had random people asking "are you guys in a long distance relationship." He replied "we are figuring it out". Now, I know what he said is true and I need to give it some time but the problem is these visits are very expensive and I am still in school. When he visits, or when I visit we split everything in half and, believe me, it ends up being a lot as we do all tourists things and we both try to make it enjoyable for each other. Now, when he suggested another trip that sounded great but, I cant afford trips every month. My question is: how to know this is going somewhere? What if he just enjoys visiting places with the girl he likes but doesnt want anything serious. I also expected him to pay more than just 50% of the expenses (he works, I am a student) and it now makes me doubt everything. Not that I am saying he should have paid but I need some sign that all this is worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 It's just for fun IMO. I think you need a reality check.....he is too far away, you are going to school, and it is costly. Date locally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 It's just for fun IMO. I think you need a reality check.....he is too far away, you are going to school, and it is costly. Date locally.[/QUOT Thanks for your reply. Can you give me your reasons why you think it is only for fun? He kept asking me when exactly I am going to be done with school. Also, I was thinking would anyone spend that much money and effort if it was only for fun. Maybe one or two times but continuously... I am not saying your are not right I just need arguments so I can see this situation clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmissjava Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Not sure anything is a red flag in your post. But if it is becoming a financial hardship to keep seeing this guy even though you have no idea where he wants to go with it, either have that talk and find out exactly what it is you both want. If he wants to further your relationship to status of serious, then compromising on your visits to each other may well be in order. When he comes to see you, he pays for his own trip. When you go to see him, you pay for your trip. If you can't compromise that way, then you are going to have to find someone you can afford to date. That's the reality of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Not sure anything is a red flag in your post. But if it is becoming a financial hardship to keep seeing this guy even though you have no idea where he wants to go with it, either have that talk and find out exactly what it is you both want. If he wants to further your relationship to status of serious, then compromising on your visits to each other may well be in order. When he comes to see you, he pays for his own trip. When you go to see him, you pay for your trip. If you can't compromise that way, then you are going to have to find someone you can afford to date. That's the reality of it. That is what we are doing now (I mean we take turns paying for things we do) but it is pretty much the same. For example, when I visited him, I wanted to stay at a hotel (even thpugh he offered his house) so i paid for the ticket, hotel and few meals we had. When he visited he paid for his hotel (he cant stay in my house), ticket and half for whatever we were doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Do you want us to flip a coin and guess if you are in a relationship or it's just a fling? You know there is only one person who can answer this question, and if you're that scared to ask, does that mean you already know the answer in your heart? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Probably nothing more than having flings with someone when he is in your city or vice versa. Yes, date local, you're too young for LDR. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Like what was already mentioned, you need to ask him. No one here can get inside his head for this situation. It's pure guessing and you should not go off of guessing. Ask him and get the answer and then make sure his words match his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Just gauge the long term....are you willing to relocate? How long do you think you can keep this up? Do you really want to spend what little money you have traveling on something that may or may not pan out? Have you set a realistic deadline to relocate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Probably nothing more than having flings with someone when he is in your city or vice versa. Yes, date local, you're too young for LDR. Well, he is in my city only for me. He has never visited the city before and probably wouldn't ever if it wasnt to see me. And as soon as he got on his plane back he asked me when my semester would be over so we can arrange next visit or a trip. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Like what was already mentioned, you need to ask him. No one here can get inside his head for this situation. It's pure guessing and you should not go off of guessing. Ask him and get the answer and then make sure his words match his actions. I know you are right. I just feel little down, now that he left and I am here not sure what is going on. I dont know how to approach him with that question and not sound too desperate. We only met twice so far. And from as little as I know him, I think he might be little uncomfortable to bring that up to. One small detail, we are not the same religion and he never told me that (even though I already knew it) until his visit now. I felt he brought it up so he can see if I am ok with it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Do you want us to flip a coin and guess if you are in a relationship or it's just a fling? You know there is only one person who can answer this question, and if you're that scared to ask, does that mean you already know the answer in your heart? I dont know how to bring this up after only two visits and not sound too desperate. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 I dont know how to bring this up after only two visits and not sound too desperate. You sleeping with him and blowing money on trips??? No it's not desperate, it's realistic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Just gauge the long term....are you willing to relocate? How long do you think you can keep this up? Do you really want to spend what little money you have traveling on something that may or may not pan out? Have you set a realistic deadline to relocate? I am 27 and went back to school for my masters degree. He is 29 and working, starting some business (not completely sure what is going on). I wont be done with school in the next two years. Can I see myself wirh him in future? Definitely yes. I am not crazy in love with him but so far spending time with him has been amazing. I have a hard time connecting with guys and I would like for this to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 I know you are right. I just feel little down, now that he left and I am here not sure what is going on. I dont know how to approach him with that question and not sound too desperate. We only met twice so far. And from as little as I know him, I think he might be little uncomfortable to bring that up to. One small detail, we are not the same religion and he never told me that (even though I already knew it) until his visit now. I felt he brought it up so he can see if I am ok with it or not. He replied "we are figuring it out". That is what you use to approach him on this. Since he's the one who said it, ask him what he means by that. He wasn't uncomfortable enough to say that to strangers. Tell him it's been on your mind since he said it and you'd like for him to expound on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lola2609 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Share Posted April 20, 2016 That is what you use to approach him on this. Since he's the one who said it, ask him what he means by that. He wasn't uncomfortable enough to say that to strangers. Tell him it's been on your mind since he said it and you'd like for him to expound on it. For some reason I thought it should be him to start that conversation if he wanted something more serious. But he might be insecure too, and not sure what I want. I guess, I would have too ask first since I am the one struggling to pay for all the visits and trips. Link to post Share on other sites
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