TeddyBeer Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Hi everyone, I've read quite too much topics about far away loves that never even been real, as in people have never met. Now, that is 'real' love too, but I am in an actual long distance relationship, with a man I have known and been with in real life for over 3 years. And I hoped I would meet some people on here with similar experiences. Having a real life romance, and not be able to be with them. And please all of you online people don't go tell me I'm lucky and whatever, I was happier when we had never met each other and it still was all online, like it was for the first two years or our relationship. Because the knowing what you actually can have in real life, and you're not able to, is much harder than the wondering what could be. At least in my experience very much so. He cannot get a visa, because of his nationality (every other requirement he can do perfectly). So of course I will keep visiting him (if I can keep getting the money together for the flight..), but it is just hard that for now (and the foreseeable future) he cannot come here and meet my friends and family, while we are so serious now. Three years and going strong. I have had the luxury (well luxury... i worked my ass off to be able to afford this luxury) that I could visit him for 3 months (twice) and even six months (once) and be with him, but that's still too much of not being together. While we so much want to be. Need to be. Anyway I hope there is some people on here who understand this and willing to respond and offer helpful stories and tips ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeddyBeer Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Blablabla I mean for people to share their experiences with ACTUAL LDR's. Not just online things. I am sorry if this feels like disrespecting your things, but I have been there too and being together in real life for quite some time then have to be apart.. it is a completely different thing. Please people who have had LDR's or are in LDR's share experiences mainly about how to make it more bearable? Link to post Share on other sites
moys Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I met my fiancé last May through a mutual friend on FB. We live in two different countries but only 7 hours drive, 1.5 hour plane ride. We had an instant connection and after a month of talking it was pretty clear how much in love we were. He shared my political ideology (very important and not easy to find), my love of music, history and films. I visited him first because his passport was expired. We travelled back an forth to see each other. And at New Year's we got engaged. We are getting married at the end of April. It takes a lot of work, commitment and dedication and we make it work. We spend a lot of time chatting on Whatsapp and Skype so it feels that the communication is a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I only had one, back in the 90's, after the 'wall fell' in the FSU. It was very expensive but otherwise very satisfying. However, the central issue which turned things in favor of a local lady who ultimately did become my wife was pretty simple. Children. The LDR was, at the time, a new grandmother, had two daughters and for her, by her word, children were in the past. My now exW was childless and wanted children, as did I, if I were to have a preference in that regard. That, plus expense, tipped the favor towards a local, still an hour away each way, SDR versus a true LDR of thousands of miles. Back then, 'online' was new and many were scanning film pictures and I would take video tape clips and digitize them to send, very slowly, little movies over the internet thousands of miles to someone who probably wondered why I was taking all that time and making all that effort. Watch for that. People who care take the time and make the effort and are consistent. For some of us, if we're popular, they're everywhere. If not, precious few. Today, having done all the SDR/LDR/marriage stuff, I do other things now and wouldn't lead a caring lady on. Good lessons, life has taught. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 IME, the most important things are to have a clear, tangible endgame where both parties are on the same page. Where to settle, job, children etc. Also, its vitally important you have clear plans for meetings, whether that's monthly, bi-monthly or whatever. No substitute for being together in the flesh, and I don't just mean sexually 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I had an LDR in the early 1990s. We dated for about a year here then he moved to California & we continued for another almost 2 years. The plan had been that I would move there when I finished grad school. For reasons having very little to do with the distance things didn't work out & we broke up. For you to continue this virtual relationship flying to him when you get the money because he can't get a visa sounds stressful & unrealistic. Are you willing to move where he is? Can you get a job there? If not, frankly what is the point of what you are doing? i could not continue an LDR without a realistic end in sight. Link to post Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 A few years ago I had a LDR that lasted several years. We didn't meet in person until almost a year in, but that just increased the intensity 1000x. For the last year or two I was working a 7-on/7-off clinical job (work 7 days, have 7 days off) and I would fly there (1800 miles away) every other week when I wasn't working. So we had the in-person time that is really needed. The relationship ended for reasons having nothing to do with the LDR part - we were actually very successful with that. Interestingly enough, his separation eventually went into a divorce so he's single now, and lets me know all the time (the last time was today) that he would like to be together again. It would be a LDR again but for a limited time as he said he would move here. I'm just down on LDRs now because I recently got out of one that ended very badly. The difference between it and the one I described above is that the communication in the first one was excellent, and we were able to remain emotionally close and affectionate even through distance. The most recent one devolved into a lot of accusations, blaming, name-calling, and negativity before we even met (which we never did, because of the accusations, blaming, name-calling....). I don't believe that relationship would have worked even if it would have been a traditional one. So I really think it depends on the individuals involved, what kind of people they are, and how much they are willing to put into it. Excellent communication is KEY - because it's all you really have during the times when you are apart. And, as mentioned above, it's important that there be a game plan for it ending and that everyone be on the same page. And as for how to deal with the away times - I found that looking forward to the "together" times was incentive enough for that, because they were that much more fantastic with the limited time (although I've had enough parting airport scenes to last me a lifetime). Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeddyBeer Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 I had an LDR in the early 1990s. We dated for about a year here then he moved to California & we continued for another almost 2 years. The plan had been that I would move there when I finished grad school. For reasons having very little to do with the distance things didn't work out & we broke up. For you to continue this virtual relationship flying to him when you get the money because he can't get a visa sounds stressful & unrealistic. Are you willing to move where he is? Can you get a job there? If not, frankly what is the point of what you are doing? i could not continue an LDR without a realistic end in sight. I had an LDR in the early 1990s. We dated for about a year here then he moved to California & we continued for another almost 2 years. The plan had been that I would move there when I finished grad school. For reasons having very little to do with the distance things didn't work out & we broke up. For you to continue this virtual relationship flying to him when you get the money because he can't get a visa sounds stressful & unrealistic. Are you willing to move where he is? Can you get a job there? If not, frankly what is the point of what you are doing? i could not continue an LDR without a realistic end in sight. I am specializing in the region he lives in, and I intend to live there. I can get a job there definitely. Not in the next two years though. He cannot get a visa, while he meets all the requirements, because he is simply discriminated against for his nationality. And that is something we can overcome too, and if a next time he will get denied too we will hire a lawyer for to remonstrate the visa decision (this time I tried to do that myself, but bureaucracy; I needed a residential address in a country where I do not live and I do not have any friends in.. long story. I filed an official complaint in several countries which are being handled). Anyway him not being able to come here is very unpleasant, but the system is the problem. My best friend just told me that if he cannot get to my country she will fly over to meet him. My parents already told me that they would because it is ridiculous that he can't come visit. So I am good with that. It is just far from ideal but nothing that we cannot over come.. we have done this for over 3 years. Maybe from OP not clear: we have known each other for 5 years, done this for 3 years. And we both know our situation now is temporary and we know it is worth suffering through. Our love is deep and strong. Your pessimism shows that yours was not ! Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 So I am good with that. It is just far from ideal but nothing that we cannot over come.. we have done this for over 3 years. Maybe from OP not clear: we have known each other for 5 years, done this for 3 years. And we both know our situation now is temporary and we know it is worth suffering through. Our love is deep and strong. Your pessimism shows that yours was not ! Okey d. You asked, kind person d0. answered. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 Your situation sounds sad, the nationality problem. Hope it gets cleared up soon. Ours is only a few months old but he's flown here, met everyone and I've flown to him and met everyone. We'll be together again in the next few weeks so we're excited! We've casually chatted about who would move but since it's a new relationship, more time is needed to get serious and begin taking action. Not only does he have family here, he has dual citizenship in my country and his, so it would make sense for him to move. I've never met anyone who felt like my soul mate. We're even in the same field so I can help him get a job. This is crazy since he's over 7700 kms away but he's perfect in every way. We spent the day skyping, even making brunch/dinner and sitting down and sharing the same meal since I sent him the recipe in advance and we each lit a candle so we had a romantic meal together. Had to close all the drapes in my apartment. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 LDR Expert been doing this since the late 90's but in all to me it's tougher today so many scammers out there looking to make money from you if you don't know how to spot them. I just like to know what they're all about and play into their mind games. There are also some women that are real but real online to get to know. I say get them off the text to the phone talk to them and get to know them better. Skype helps but still not the real deal. If you can meet in person then you can get to the 3rd level a true date. After all the goal is to be with someone instead of just being a LDR. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeddyBeer Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 IME, the most important things are to have a clear, tangible endgame where both parties are on the same page. Where to settle, job, children etc. Also, its vitally important you have clear plans for meetings, whether that's monthly, bi-monthly or whatever. No substitute for being together in the flesh, and I don't just mean sexually Yes very important! And montly/bi-montly is very, very unrealistic, we can see eachother one period each year and we try to make it three months every time. And no we don't substitute anything. He is my one true love and I am his and we know it is impractical and a lot of pain and suffering but that's just the way it is.. we jut make the most of the time we get to spend together Link to post Share on other sites
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