Am I just losing my mind?

December 16, 2015

So. Here we go

I work for an international company and, back in April, we had a work conference here in the US where I met one of my UK colleagues. I don't know what happened, but it happened: I just knew I liked him.

I wasn't sure if the feeling was mutual, but we chatted on an off for the next several months. Nothing spectacular, really, which is why I just wrote it off. After all, if a guy is interested in me, he'll pursue me, right? It was just the occasional comment or joke, so I kept myself in check and moved on with my life, especially since I figured I'd never see him again.

Back in July, however, he started coming over for two-week intervals to work with some new hires. On his first trip, he remembered something I had mentioned liking and brought me that as a gift on the first day. I then thought maybe the "liking" was mutual, but there wasn't much after that, so I once again wrote it off and went back to business until his time here was done in October.

But then he came back for a tradeshow (in Vegas, no less) and the flood gates opened. Turns out he's liked me for quite some time, and the guys at work have called him out on it several times. He brought chocolate for me and one of the guys we work with, which made me feel like he was thinking about me, etc. With the ability to hang out outside of a work environment, we continued tohit it off. One thing led to another and we basically shacked up the entire week of the event. I figured that would be it, especially since it was Vegas and... Need I say more? Although he acted jealous (and wouldn't admit it) when another colleague put his arm around me, and he once asked if I was only doing this because he's English.

That was the first week of November and we've texted every day since then (usually initiated by him) for hours and have had several phone calls. When we returned home, he said he felt like his plane was headed in the wrong direction and he felt a bit lost, even though we knew it couldn't be more than what it is for now.

In the meantime, our company has planned to send his team back here for more training, which he said he wasn't going to do until Vegas happened (ie: me), which then influenced him to volunteer to come back, this time for longer intervals for up to a year. Because he wanted to see me again. Curiosity got the better of us, I suppose.

The idea is to see what happens when he returns. Neither of us have told anyone because, well, it's not exactly defined and we don't want to answer to the drama yet. He's been very clear from the beginning that distance will play a big role into what ends up happening, especially because he has kids, but we're interested in exploring it once he's here.

I've stupidly tried to push him on the issue a few times, which I know isn't wise. I once asked if he cared if I was sleeping around over here (I'm not, just wanted to gauge the reaction), and his response was that he can't tell me what to do, but if I were and he found out, the most we could ever be was friends. And he seemed upset that I considered not talking to him anymore because I like him as much as I do and want to save my sanity.

I think I'm my own worst enemy here. I automatically expect it to fizzle. I expect non-commitment because - why? Because he won't commit already, although it would be stupid to? I don't expect him to actually like me, though he's been clear that he does. I also maybe expect more out of him than I should - like messaging me throughout the day at work (despite the fact he's not attached to his phone like me and, well, he does have a lot to do) or always messaging me in the morning (he usually does, but not always). One little thing sends me off the deep end and stat questioning everything.

Is this realistic? Am I over-worried? Does he actually seem interested? For the longest time, I was concerned I'd just be a play-thing when he came to visit, but it seems like a lot of effort for that. Could use some thoughts

Thanks!

December 20, 2015

i think he is totally into you. But it is hard starting a relationship with the distance. It would be easier if you two were together for a while before there was distance. At least then you would know how much is reasonable communnication between you too. And you would find it easier to talk about the things you fear (being a play thing). Right now I suggest you keep talking the way you are, dont pressure him. Stop trying to make him jealous and putting ideas about you and other men in his mind. It will make it harder for him to start a relationship with you if he thinks when he leaves you'll get with other men. Wait for him to start working in the US again and see how your thang developes then. Dont make it any harder on any of you. Hope it works out.

January 19, 2016

Well, we're nearly three months into this - whatever it is - and still don't know when he's coming back thanks to our employer not being able to commit to a date. Despite that, things have been going along pretty well. We've texted every day, had several hours-long phone calls, watched a movie online together, are planning another, etc. And he sent me a boat load of Christmas gifts.

Despite that, I still have my doubts. The texting has dropped considerably, which to some degree was to be expected. Texting all day, every day isn't sustainable for any relationship. But he's also stopped sending me good morning and goodnight texts recently, with significantly fewer kisses (usually none these days). Part of that is because he has a habit of falling asleep with the phone in his hand due to the time difference, but still.

He said he's just been spending so much time texting me that he's let other aspects of his life slide (ex: he has two kids and has been doing a lot of work around his house). He's been honest as far as everything else, and I know he's a good guy, so I can't help but believe it when he says nothing as changed as far as "seeing" me is concerned. It's just such a drastic change.

Is this a normal part of the LDR process, or am I worrying over nothing? The last thing I want to do is come across as "needy" when that's not the case at all. I mean, on one hand, I like that I've had more time to concentrate on other things going on in my life than worrying about how quickly I can respond to him when we're having a conversation. On the other hand, I'm concerned he may not be into it anymore.

January 19, 2016

Having had a 18 month LDR now (and we're both a bit in the thinker currently as to how to handle "this" after meeting all over the world), I think there is one important thing to think about when it gets real:

There will be paradoxes. And the stronger the love, the harder they will become.

And at some point you'll have to choose between resolving them or ignore them.

Problem is that by then it's not necessarily easy to just move on.

How do you feel about the kids?

Do you want kids yourself?

Can you deal with "his and yours" kids.

Is it possible for you to move, or do you expect him to move if you move on?

Just mentioning that as that became a biggie in our relationship.

best of luck

And try to remember to make it a good experience, even if it's not for ever.

January 19, 2016

To tell you the truth, I have a hard time answering any of those questions because we are far from being "in love" since we haven't seen each other in person for nearly three months. Our meetings, though brief and fleeting, were "merely" an intense connection and I know he's had a crush on me since the first time we met (and I, likewise, on him), but thinking about the whole future is a bit premature at this point.

But if I have to answer, this is the best I can do:

How do you feel about the kids?

I don't mind them. I'm 32 and he's 35; the only reason I don't have kids is because it's just never worked out for me, not because I never wanted them. He's not the first guy I've dated with kids, and I understand him needing to put them and his time with them first.

Do you want kids yourself?

Yes

Can you deal with "his and yours" kids.

Yes.

Is it possible for you to move, or do you expect him to move if you move on?

He definitely can't move because of his kids, so it would be me moving. I haven't given much thought to it since we don't know what "this" is, nor are we at a point to define it, at least if/until we see each other again, so thinking that far ahead seems like I'm setting myself up for disappointment, anger, etc. Although several people have mentioned it to me, so it's crossed my mind. He'd probably crap a brick if he knew.

Additionally, he's been known for telling me I think too much - that I should just let the relationship build, as they're supposed to do. We are used to different dating styles being from two different countries, though, so his laid-back approach has been making me a bit crazy, especially now that his texts have slowed down. My friends seem to think he's just gotten comfortable, but I always tend to think the worst.

January 22, 2016

If he can't move because of the kids, what's the arrangement if he's going to work in the US for a year?

July 15, 2016

So we are now just over eight months into this and I need some advice.

He's been back in the States once for work (in early May) and we spent each night together for nearly two weeks; things were fine and he says he considers me his girlfriend.

The past couple weeks, though, he's gotten more and more silent over texting. Going from hundreds of texts to maybe 5-10 per day. We still talk on the phone every weeknight to watch a movie together (we don't call on weekends cuz he's with his kids), but I don't know what to make of the sudden drop in texting.

They had been really sweet and about how he cares for me and thought I was beautiful up until around when he got here. Since he left again, it feels like we're in one of those "Well, now we're in a relationship" lulls where it's not as exciting, so I expected that. What I didn't expect was his texts to drop to near nothing.

My birthday was last month, so two weeks ago he sent me a Pandora bracelet and charm. He signed off on the note with, "Love, HIS NAME xXx". So I really thought things were moving along until this stuff happened. I don't see someone spending that type of money on someone they don't care about or want to be with.

He also went on vacation with his family to Turkey last month, where we didn't speak much because he didn't have data on his phone and the hotel wifi was awful (I confirmed this by reading the hotel reviews on TripAdvisor - there really wasn't much he could do). But when he did get a decent connection, he'd speak to me and send me photos. Which I feel is something you don't do it you don't like someone anymore.

We did have an argument last week where I exploded for a variety of reasons, mostly because I felt like he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He said it's all in my head and I need to get over it and stop doing this to myself.

I've asked him if something is going on and he says no. I've asked if he still wants to be together and he says yes. I've told him if he wants to end it, I'd rather he just ended it than let it die by not talking and he says he knows what he can do and doesn't want to break up. When I said he used to text me every day, he says he was never one to text anyway. That he really only started texting because of me and it's not "him". He is now getting mad at my "nagging", but I really can't understand the sudden decrease.

When I asked why it feels he doesn't want to text anymore, he said "Cuz sometimes I can't be arsed. We text every single day and HAVE texted every single day for nearly a year! I don't need to talk and text constantly. It's not me."

Does he not like talking to me anymore, or was it just too much communication? I don't want him to feel like talking to me is a chore, either. I just want to know if he wants to end it and isn't saying so, or if he's just gotten comfortable. He refuses to talk about it, saying I've gone around in circles too many times and his answer is always the same, so I feel like I'm working myself into a tizzy for no reason, but it's a tizzy nonetheless.

Thoughts?

Edited July 15, 2016 by GENNiFUR

July 15, 2016

I think this is symptomatic of a larger issue that needs to be addressed, which is that this relationship will be very hard to sustain if you don't see each other in person much.

I understand that you two are now a couple, but how often will you be able to spend time together, and is there way to close the distance at some point?

If you still talk on the phone every night, I can see his point about not needing to text throughout the day as well. I'm a woman, but that would be too much for me too. I understand that you're confused about the seemingly sudden change in frequency, though. It could be that his communication style really is vastly different from yours, which you might find doesn't satisfy your needs in a relationship.

Or it could be that he is losing interest. Only time will tell you which one it is.

We can't possibly tell you if he wants to end it - that's something only he can explain. But it's clear he's currently annoyed. Not saying that either of you is necessarily right or wrong, but are you sure you are comfortable being in a LDR? It's not for everyone; perhaps you'd be happier with someone closer to home.

Edited July 15, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

July 15, 2016

I was okay with the long distance when he was in relatively constant contact with me, which only changed in the past week or two. And I only expect that because it's what he did (which I've mentioned, but he now says he didn't normally do and he's just going back to his regularly routine). If he hadn't started messaging me all the time, I wouldn't be so surprised with his backing off. He'd text me as soon as he was home from work and we'd talk constantly until he went to bed six or so hours later. From November until the beginning of July, we'd exchanged over 111,000 messages. This past week, we've exchanged a total of 50, max. And I don't know what to do.

We don't talk on the phone every night, but usually four times a week to watch a movie with maybe 30 minutes of talking before or after about our days. His weekend communications from the beginning have been all over the place, so I never knew what to expect with that, but the sudden lack of weekday communication has been shocking. It's happened before for a day or two at a time, but not for weeks.

We hadn't seen each other because work kept pushing back when the project was supposed to happen. We're still not sure if/when the project is starting, but they did send him back for a project back in May and things went really well and he'll be back in October, as well. He didn't want to "force" something with me, so we waited until we met on neutral ground without a lot of financial investment. But now that we have, and there was talk of sending me to the UK for work, he was more willing to invite me to his house, etc. That was only two weeks ago, and now his texting has died.

It's not that I need the constant communication, per se. It's that he always did it and now he's not. And he's not a very gushing/emotional person, so I don't feel like I ever know how he feels. Like when he said he considered me his girlfriend, I was surprised because we'd never had "the talk" (but he says "the talk" isn't something they do in the UK and you just sort of end up in a relationship).

I told him a couple weeks ago that my issue is that I miss him and I wish I felt he missed me, too. He asked me how I don't know he misses me, too, and just handles it differently. So I asked if he does miss me and he said yes. I don't know why he can't just say it. Again, he tells me that's just "him".

I know his communication style and his approach to relationships, in general, is completely different to mine, and I've been trying not to over-analyze every little thing he says or does. And I know a lot of guys get over the wooing phase after awhile and stop trying to win you over. My friends seem to think he's just complacent now; he "has" me.

I just really hate how sudden the drop-off was and I don't know what it means. I'll send him a text and he won't respond for hours. But I know he's just sitting there watching TV cuz then I'll FaceTime him for the movie and there he is with his phone. It drives me nuts. I don't know why he hasn't dumped me by now, honestly, if that's how he's going to act (when I ask, he says he doesn't want to).

I'd ask if he's losing interest, but I know his answer will be something like, "No" or "Don't start again" or just plain old ignoring me, which is what he typically does when I bring up anything like this. Which means he'll just get more frustrated with me and I'd end up sabotaging something I don't want to lose. He tells me it's all in my head, but does nothing to allay my fears, either.

Edited July 15, 2016 by GENNiFUR

July 16, 2016

I was okay with the long distance when he was in relatively constant contact with me, which only changed in the past week or two. And I only expect that because it's what he did (which I've mentioned, but he now says he didn't normally do and he's just going back to his regularly routine).

I don't 100% buy that excuse. Sure, things are always "hot and heavy" in the beginning and usually cool off in time. I think he's worn out trying to maintain the level "constant contact" you've had, plus I'm sure he knows now how smitten you are with him which often makes people think there's no need to make a Herculean effort as it's no longer required.

If he hadn't started messaging me all the time, I wouldn't be so surprised with his backing off. He'd text me as soon as he was home from work and we'd talk constantly until he went to bed six or so hours later. From November until the beginning of July, we'd exchanged over 111,000 messages. This past week, we've exchanged a total of 50, max. And I don't know what to do.

Sorry. Again, I don't buy his explanation that he's "just gone back to his regular level of communicating." The difference in his behavior is too marked for that to be believable. There's a reason why he's changed his behavior.

As I said before he may just be tired of keeping up his former pace. TBH, I would, too. With that level of texting how have either of you gotten a thing done besides texting in the last eight months?

But, on the other hand, it may be that he's realized how much work a LDR is and/or it's starting to dawn on him that while it's been fun, the likelihood of you two getting together permanently especially since he has kids, is slim.

However, he's not totally stupid. The way things are now, he's guaranteed a hot time in bed if/when he's sent back to the US for work and now he knows just how hard you've fallen for him, he doesn't have lift a finger to get it. He just needs to give you a few crumbs now and again.

We don't talk on the phone every night, but usually four times a week to watch a movie with maybe 30 minutes of talking before or after about our days. His weekend communications from the beginning have been all over the place, so I never knew what to expect with that, but the sudden lack of weekday communication has been shocking. It's happened before for a day or two at a time, but not for weeks.

Sorry, but I think it's crazy you two are on the phone/spending time online or whatever FOUR TIMES A WEEK for several hours that from the sounds of it, occurs mostly on weekdays, of which there are only five.

You're also dealing with a five- hour time difference. How in the heck do either of you get anything else accomplished in your lives? A quick text/IM/email/etc. every day wishing each other "Good Morning" or "Sleep Tight" is one thing. The level of "togetherness" you've been trying to maintain just isn't practical, and frankly, is just plain nuts, unless the two of you are only 16.

We hadn't seen each other because work kept pushing back when the project was supposed to happen. We're still not sure if/when the project is starting, but they did send him back for a project back in May and things went really well and he'll be back in October, as well. He didn't want to "force" something with me, so we waited until we met on neutral ground without a lot of financial investment. But now that we have, and there was talk of sending me to the UK for work, he was more willing to invite me to his house, etc. That was only two weeks ago, and now his texting has died.

I don't buy this "waiting for work to pay for a trip so we don't force things" BS. If the guy was hot to trot about you, he'd be buying a ticket with his own cash or sending you one, poste haste. I also don't like the sounds of "...there was talk of sending me to the US for work, he was more willing to invite me to his house..." crap.

Between his weekend unpredictability and the caution/apprehension of inviting you to his home, I'd be a bit suspicious about his actual living situation.

But, I'd also be offended. He's had his private parts in yours how many times now, but he's reluctant to let you enter his home??? Honey, there's something rotten in Denmark, there.

It's not that I need the constant communication, per se. It's that he always did it and now he's not. And he's not a very gushing/emotional person, so I don't feel like I ever know how he feels. Like when he said he considered me his girlfriend, I was surprised because we'd never had "the talk" (but he says "the talk" isn't something they do in the UK and you just sort of end up in a relationship).

Ummm... Do you really think this is true? He's hoping you buy it. Sounds like you have. If you do, then he knows he can tell you just about anything and you won't question it. Gullibility is not an admirable trait, even in the fog of lurve...

I told him a couple weeks ago that my issue is that I miss him and I wish I felt he missed me, too. He asked me how I don't know he misses me, too, and just handles it differently. So I asked if he does miss me and he said yes. I don't know why he can't just say it. Again, he tells me that's just "him".

Sounds a lot like the age-old cop-out: "It's not you, it's me." Again, it all sounds like BS to me.

I know his communication style and his approach to relationships, in general, is completely different to mine, and I've been trying not to over-analyze every little thing he says or does.

A. If he's wired so differently than you, how do you figure that's going to be a winning combination in the long run?

B. Why wouldn't you be analyzing him 24/7? You're not from the same planet, let alone solar system.

And I know a lot of guys get over the wooing phase after awhile and stop trying to win you over. My friends seem to think he's just complacent now; he "has" me.

I tend to agree with your friends. You need to learn embroidery and make yourself a pillow that says: "The one that cares THE LEAST, is the one who holds all the power."

HINT: The great and powerful one ain't you.

I just really hate how sudden the drop-off was and I don't know what it means. I'll send him a text and he won't respond for hours. But I know he's just sitting there watching TV cuz then I'll FaceTime him for the movie and there he is with his phone. It drives me nuts. I don't know why he hasn't dumped me by now, honestly, if that's how he's going to act (when I ask, he says he doesn't want to).

No, on second thought a pillow isn't large enough. I think maybe a 5' x 8' wall hanging or maybe a permanent tattoo is more appropriate.

WHY IN HECK are you handing over all the power in this relationship to this turkey? He can act/do/say however rudely as he wants, and the conclusion you come to is that you don't understand why he hasn't dumped you by now?

Think maybe you might need a bit a work in the self-worth department? Re-read what you wrote and if you don't think it sounds a bit needy and pathetic, your issues are larger than just this guy.

I'd ask if he's losing interest, but I know his answer will be something like, "No" or "Don't start again" or just plain old ignoring me, which is what he typically does when I bring up anything like this. Which means he'll just get more frustrated with me and I'd end up sabotaging something I don't want to lose. He tells me it's all in my head, but does nothing to allay my fears, either.

It's not in your head. Well, not all of it is in your head. Your head is messed up if you think you deserve how he's treating you and that it's okay for you continue to put up with it because "you're afraid you will lose him."

All you have at this point is 111,000+ text messages from someone who only will see you when his company is footing the bill so that he can spend a hot week in bed on the company dime. Does that sound like something you just can't afford to pass up? God, I hope not.

PILLOW MESSAGE #2: "Talk is cheap. It's how a person acts and treats you that tells you who they and what their intentions really are."

So what should you do? I'm going to go back and respond to some of the things you included in your original post to explain what I think...

I wasn't sure if the feeling was mutual, but we chatted on an off for the next several months. Nothing spectacular, really, which is why I just wrote it off. After all, if a guy is interested in me, he'll pursue me, right? It was just the occasional comment or joke, so I kept myself in check and moved on with my life, especially since I figured I'd never see him again

Mistake #1 -- Deviating from your original plan. The guy didn't pursue you. You were just there, made it clear you were willing, and he'd be brandished a fool by his mates if he hadn't taken advantage of what was right in front of his nose.

Back in July, however, he started coming over for two-week intervals to work with some new hires. On his first trip, he remembered something I had mentioned liking and brought me that as a gift on the first day. I then thought maybe the "liking" was mutual, but there wasn't much after that, so I once again wrote it off and went back to business until his time here was done in October.

Mistake #2 -- Deviating from your original plan, AGAIN.

But then he came back for a tradeshow (in Vegas, no less) and the flood gates opened. Turns out he's liked me for quite some time, and the guys at work have called him out on it several times.

That's what he said. How do you know any of that was true? Pretty safe thing for him to say if you think about it, as the two of you were trying to keep your "relationship" under the table, so it's not as if he had to worry you would go snooping around and asking other colleagues whether he was "sweet on you" or not.

He brought chocolate for me and one of the guys we work with, which made me feel like he was thinking about me, etc.

Mistake #3 -- You believe what he tells you AND you fall for it. Useful information for him to know.

With the ability to hang out outside of a work environment, we continued to hit it off. One thing led to another and we basically shacked up the entire week of the event.

No surprise there. And, all it took was a Cadbury bar...

I figured that would be it, especially since it was Vegas and... Need I say more?

Mistake #4 -- Continuing to ignore common sense and deviating from your original plan.

Although he acted jealous (and wouldn't admit it) when another colleague put his arm around me, and he once asked if I was only doing this because he's English.

Doing what? Letting another work colleague get a squeeze? Making him jealous? Not admitting to something he didn't feel?

That was the first week of November and we've texted every day since then (usually initiated by him) for hours and have had several phone calls. When we returned home, he said he felt like his plane was headed in the wrong direction and he felt a bit lost, even though we knew it couldn't be more than what it is for now.

I bet he was a bit befuddled. He hit the jackpot in Vegas in more ways than one, and he couldn't believe his luck. Nearly everyone would like to live in la-la-land where they have no responsibilities, problems, nor a care in the world. Problem with that is that it's not real life, so when you're forced to come back down to earth, the thud you make is pretty damned loud.

In the meantime, our company has planned to send his team back here for more training, which he said he wasn't going to do until Vegas happened (ie: me), which then influenced him to volunteer to come back, this time for longer intervals for up to a year. Because he wanted to see me again. Curiosity got the better of us, I suppose.

Don't think so. I think the potential of getting laid on a regular basis and not having to deal with reality which included being an adult/father with kids, was more likely the reason.

The idea is to see what happens when he returns. Neither of us have told anyone because, well, it's not exactly defined and we don't want to answer to the drama yet. He's been very clear from the beginning that distance will play a big role into what ends up happening, especially because he has kids, but we're interested in exploring it once he's here.

Sorry, but the only "exploring" that appears to have gone on is carnal.

I've stupidly tried to push him on the issue a few times, which I know isn't wise. I once asked if he cared if I was sleeping around over here (I'm not, just wanted to gauge the reaction), and his response was that he can't tell me what to do, but if I were and he found out, the most we could ever be was friends. And he seemed upset that I considered not talking to him anymore because I like him as much as I do and want to save my sanity.

I agree you were stupid to push him about how serious he was about you but not for the reason you think. Every time you brought up the subject it signaled how serious you were about him. The thing about "would you care if I was having sex with someone else" thing was icing on the cake.

He tells you it's premature to put a label on your "relationship" and you need more time together to explore the possibilities, YET he tells you things will go no where between the two of you if you're seeing and involved with someone else, and you're okay with that?

Mistake #5 -- See Mistake #3.

I think I'm my own worst enemy here. I automatically expect it to fizzle. I expect non-commitment because - why? Because he won't commit already, although it would be stupid to? I don't expect him to actually like me, though he's been clear that he does. I also maybe expect more out of him than I should - like messaging me throughout the day at work (despite the fact he's not attached to his phone like me and, well, he does have a lot to do) or always messaging me in the morning (he usually does, but not always). One little thing sends me off the deep end and stat questioning everything.

I agree you're your own worst enemy, but not for the reason you think. Again, read what you wrote. You are DESPERATE to have this relationship work and turn into something, and you are willing to grovel to get it -- because you're not worthy.

There's so much wrong with that picture I'm not even going to try to explain. Hopefully, you will also see what's wrong here and do something about it. In the meantime, stop chasing this guy and go back to your original plan of getting on with your life. Not because you have no self-worth, but because you do.

Best,

TMichaels

July 16, 2016

OP, whatever the reasons behind it, he is signalling he wants more space. He is trying to tell you that the level of contact you see now is all you can expect, as he doesn't want to give more.

To be honest, I see his point on that. Talking on the phone several times a week and texting all day would exhaust me too.

However, I think you're still overlooking the real problem, which is the long-term feasibility of this relationship. Given the logistics, his recent pull-back and how infrequently you see each other, it doesn't sound very likely to work out. That might not be a bad thing at all either, if you generally like more closeness with your partner. I don't think he's going to be able or willing to provide that for you, speaking from an objective standpoint.

July 16, 2016

TMichaels,

While I agree with many of your points (mainly that I don't have much in the self-worth department), a lot of your other assessments are based on misinformation.

For example, we didn't hook up the entire time we were in Vegas. The first night, we just kissed and we didn't even see each other the second night. As far as him not pursuing me/seeing me as an easy target, that's simply not true. He tried contacting me that second day, but his phone (being on a UK data plan) wasn't working well in Vegas and neither of us received the other's texts. In fact, nobody on the team could reach him as a result. He emailed me the morning of the third day, saying he was disappointed I hadn't been responding and that he'd had a really good time and hoped I hadn't disappeared. It wasn't until later that day we realized we both had WhatsApp and used that to communicate instead. Additionally, I didn't expect to hear from him when we both were home and was surprised when he texted me once he was back. And we hadn't stopped texting since. Not until this past week.

Sorry, but I think it's crazy you two are on the phone/spending time online or whatever FOUR TIMES A WEEK for several hours that from the sounds of it, occurs mostly on weekdays, of which there are only five.

I agree with this, but it's what we've been doing. He set the precedent by talking to me all the time and I went along with it because I enjoyed the attention and affection. If he doesn't want to do it anymore, he should just say so instead of pulling away and making me feel like he wants to end it, which is how I've said it comes across to me. In my opinion, I've been drawing a line in the sand: if he's ready for it to be over, then end it instead of dragging it out. His response is, "I know what I can do and have always known what I can do. You tell me three times a week."

I don't buy this "waiting for work to pay for a trip so we don't force things" BS. If the guy was hot to trot about you, he'd be buying a ticket with his own cash or sending you one, poste haste. I also don't like the sounds of "...there was talk of sending me to the US for work, he was more willing to invite me to his house..." crap.

We had already been discussing a way to see one another before work sent him for his last visit, after we discovered the project was on hold indefinitely. When we realized there were only six weeks in which to do so (because he was going on a family vacation), and the fact I still needed to renew my passport and flights were more than $1k for a round trip, and how he didn't have any vacation time left until July 1, we decided it just wasn't possible at the time. Then work sent him back for a project, which we considered a great coincidence since we had been trying to see one another anyway. And more recently, we'd been talking about going on a holiday together.

He has always said I'm welcome at his house at any time, but he didn't want me to make a special trip to do so (or vice versa) in case things didn't work out and we got stranded there. But things did work out while he was here, so he was more comfortable moving forward.

Ummm... Do you really think this is true?

Yes. I do. Before things even really happened with him, another British coworker of mine was dating a girl here and mentioned how he was confused at how relationships work in America because he's not used to "the talk" and British people don't normally just date. You start seeing someone and that's it unless you decide not to see them anymore. I've also done a lot of reading about the differences between British and American dating, and "the talk" isn't something that really exists. I, too, thought he was BS-ing me until I read more about the culture.

Several other British friends (or American friends living in England) have also confirmed that the men have, on occasion, referenced American women as high maintenance for expecting them to do things, and a British woman friend of mine said the men there are "lazy" and not to expect too much. Maybe she's jaded.

That's what he said. How do you know any of that was true? Pretty safe thing for him to say if you think about it, as the two of you were trying to keep your "relationship" under the table, so it's not as if he had to worry you would go snooping around and asking other colleagues whether he was "sweet on you" or not.

Actually, there are several coworkers who know what's going on and confirmed this happened before they knew. In other words, I knew they teased him about liking me before he told me about it. I also know his immediate coworkers have teased him when he interacts with me on our corporate chat platform and call me his girlfriend/his bird.

Doing what? Letting another work colleague get a squeeze? Making him jealous? Not admitting to something he didn't feel?

No, "doing this" meaning hooking up with him. In the beginning, he was concerned I was using him because I wanted to say I've slept with a British guy, not that I actually liked him.

Sorry, but the only "exploring" that appears to have gone on is carnal.

I don't know how you can say this when we've spent a lot of time together NOT having sex and he's invested a lot of time into conversations trying to get to know me. If he was in it just for the carnal aspect, I don't think he'd have dedicated 6+ hours per day chatting with me or buying me expensive gifts.

Between his weekend unpredictability and the caution/apprehension of inviting you to his home, I'd be a bit suspicious about his actual living situation.

I know exactly what his living situation is, and it's that he has his kids every weekend and they are always out and about, going to carnivals now that it's summer or visiting his mother's or whatever else needs doing. I don't want and have never wanted to interfere with the time he has with his kids because he doesn't see them during the week; I know he loves them and looks forward to their visits. When he doesn't have his kids, we will typically do the usual: phone call for a movie or occasionally FaceTime. He isn't living with another woman. In fact, I called him last night out of the blue (which led to an argument because it was about this situation), but he did answer and he was only with his son. He has given me no reason to doubt his living situation, whatsoever.

What you ARE correct about is that I've given him too much power and I don't like the way he treats me as a result. He's tired of going around in circles about whether or not I feel he cares, so he ignores me. And although I understand why he does this (I'd be aggravated, too), I hate being ignored for whatever reason and he knows this and uses it as a way to control me. As in, "I don't want to talk about it so you don't get to talk to me anymore until I say you can. And you'll learn not to say certain things if you want to be with me so much." F that. He doesn't see anything wrong with this and instead tells me my head is full of fluff and I only do it to myself ("it" being making myself crazy with things I've made up in my mind).

I do overall feel this pullback is because of our more frequent phone calls, which is fine because we do speak quite a bit. But he can just say that instead of going almost no-contact. And I also feel like I can't just ask because he'll freak and ignore me. Which is ridiculous.

Anyway, as a result of last night's spat, I've deleted WhatsApp. As far as I can tell, he hasn't reached out to me and I don't know if he'll do so ever again. Either way, both of us need the space and I'm exhausted. At this point, I'd just be doing more damage than good to try and talk to him about anything. Plus, I think it's important to show that if he DOES reach out to me, I'm irritated with being ignored.

I don't want this to end, but if his response to conflict is to ignore the problem and "get over it" instead of communicating about it, I don't see how anything gets resolved, and I'm not surprised he hasn't been able to maintain a long-term relationship for more than a few years.

Overall, I've never dated a guy like this before and am flabbergasted at how he deals with relationship issues, which is why I'm left scratching my head about what's happening. I'm used to talking out the problems and he's not. He's actually told me that his ex (the mother of his children) would start "being a woman" and nagging and he'd just leave the house for hours until she'd calm down. I've never met/dated someone who'd do that - it seems a bit narcissistic and manipulative. And it's up to me to decide if I want to deal with it; it seems like a childish response.

I'm an attractive, successful, intelligent 33-year-old career woman. And I care about him. I've always fought for the things I care about because I value my relationships. I'm not desperate and it bugs me to think he views (and treats) me as such.

July 16, 2016

I'm an attractive, successful, intelligent 33-year-old career woman. And I care about him. I've always fought for the things I care about because I value my relationships. I'm not desperate and it bugs me to think he views (and treats) me as such.

If that's true, then stop being so available and investing so much time and not getting what you want or need back in return. Sad but true, but most people don't place as much value on things that are handed to them, and it's only when they're gone that the person reflects on what they really want and does what it takes to get it.

He'll either shape up (which I doubt, because it sounds like his "relationship style" is something that's ingrained in him and probably why he's no longer with his ex or hasn't has much luck with other long-term relationships), or he'll move on because the relationship is too much work.

My guess is that it will be latter, as he's already shown you by his behavior that instead of doing what it takes to keep you happy, without any discussion or explanation, he's regressed back to "his regular" which by doing so he's signaling to you, you can either take it or leave.

Though you think you know this guy and his situation inside and out, believe me you don't. I was in a LDR for five years in the UK with someone whom I thought I also knew. Unless you're there and can interact/observe how they live their life and see how relate to you and others on an everyday basis, you're not getting the whole picture or the complete story. Reality is very often the polar opposite from what you you've been told or have experienced when you're together only for short or sporadic periods of time.

Do you even know if this guy is divorced from his children's mother, or are they just separated? If he's said they are divorced, do you know that for a fact? I'm not talking about what he's told you -- I'm talking about doing your homework and getting a copy of the divorce decree which is available as a public record.

Why is this important? In simple terms, it means he's legally not available for anything more serious than a fling. You may think it's extreme or paranoid to affirm independently what his real marital status is, but LDRs take an enormous amount of time, money, and effort and far too often people waste *years* of their lives not to mention thousands of dollars only to discover the hard way what thought they had and the person they had it with was based on fantasy, false hope, smoke, and mirrors.

If you're such a worldly career woman, then you also must surely know that this relationship can easily blow up in your face and jeopardize not only the status of your personal life but your standing and reputation within your company or industry as well.

With small kids, this guy is going no where, probably not for another decade. Since others at your company know you two are "an item," that may be the very reason why if there was an opening you could apply for and transfer to the UK, you won't be selected as management knows full well what a powder keg "office romances" can be.

You need to tread very carefully and seriously REALISTICALLY weigh the pros and cons of continuing this relationship in spite of your infatuation. If you don't, you'll be paying the price for quite a long time.

Best,

TMichaels

Edited July 16, 2016 by TMichaels

July 17, 2016

I very much agree with TM. Although I'm younger thus less experienced, I just wanted to comment on somethings I have experienced similar and not so similar to you. Btw, I'm sorry if this has a lot of typos. I'm on my cellphone as there's a blackout due to a heavy thunderstorm.

I was in a LDR with an older man from the UK (I'm trom the US.) We did have "the talk" and he asked me if we could be in a exclusive relationship. Just like you, I became frustrated because in the beginning of our relationship we talked and texted a lot, but after we met up a couple times and got comfortable with each other, he heavily cut back on that. The difference between you and me is that I communicated this with him. I told him exactly what you're thinking now. Why such a change in communication? He told me it was because he felt this was normal at this point in the relationship and he reassured me he still felt the same.

I especially wanted to say that your constant need and plea for attention most likely has pushed him away. I was exactly like you, to an extent. That's essentially why my relationship ended.

Heed everyone's advice and set boundaries for yourself. If you feel the communication you're receiving is not enough, instead of trying to change him, you make the decision to find someone who can give you want you want. Anything else is desperation on your part.

Take care.

Edited July 17, 2016 by Ijustdon'tgetit

July 17, 2016

TMichaels,

Do you even know if this guy is divorced from his children's mother, or are they just separated?

He and his ex were never married. In fact, her first child is not biological to him; they met when the first child was less than a year old. Only the second child is his. They were together for 3-4 years from what I can tell and broke up four years ago. She has since had another child by a third man; I don't think they are getting back together or having a secret tryst.

If you're such a worldly career woman, then you also must surely know that this relationship can easily blow up in your face and jeopardize not only the status of your personal life but your standing and reputation within your company or industry as well.

I am, in fact, looking for another job. Not because of him, but because I'm unhappy in my current position. There are a few couples in our company, though all UK-based, so we aren't completely concerned. But yes, part of the reason we've wanted to keep it on the D/L is because he didn't want the company's knowing we're in a relationship to interfere with them sending him here for work (ie: them thinking they are paying for him to maintain a relationship with me as opposed to doing the work he's assigned to do) or breaking the trust they have in him to tell him important and proprietary company news (in other words, they'd think anything he knows would get back to me - which it has).

I have always tried to be realistic about where this was headed, and he has acknowledged that it may very well never work out. So I asked why we even bothered and he said that if it did work out, it would have been worth it.

With small kids, this guy is going no where, probably not for another decade.

Yup, we have had that discussion and both know I'd be the one moving there if things worked out.

Ijustdon'tgetit,

I especially wanted to say that your constant need and plea for attention most likely has pushed him away.

Most likely, but I also want to reiterate that he's the one that started this level of communication, not me, which is why I'm confused. I'm not asking for more communication, just why it stopped. And when I tried to tell him that last night, he hung up on me. We haven't spoken since.

I have, indeed, asked him why the sudden drop in communication, and he has explained that he doesn't need to talk and text all the time, that it's not "him". I get that. Believe me, I do. I don't want to be beholden to my phone. I've just tried to broach the subject of why he's changed, which continues to lead to arguments. He's stubborn and refuses to talk about it, so I keep bringing it up and he gets more and more annoyed. Just says he still wants "us" and nothing has changed (which it has, so I don't know how he's so blind to it). He seemed more than surprised when I asked if he was losing interest in this relationship. He said no. Although I'm not sure after last night.

The last thing I want to do is drive him away, but I also miss the person he acted like (and apparently pretended to be) in the beginning. This new person isn't what I signed up for and I need to figure out if it's just a phase or if I'm willing to deal with it.

Edited July 17, 2016 by GENNiFUR

July 17, 2016

[quote=GENNiFUR;6981073

Most likely, but I also want to reiterate that he's the one that started this level of communication, not me, which is why I'm confused. I'm not asking for more communication, just why it stopped. And when I tried to tell him that last night, he hung up on me. We haven't spoken since.

I have, indeed, asked him why the sudden drop in communication, and he has explained that he doesn't need to talk and text all the time, that it's not "him". I get that. Believe me, I do. I don't want to be beholden to my phone. I've just tried to broach the subject of why he's changed, which continues to lead to arguments. He's stubborn and refuses to talk about it, so I keep bringing it up and he gets more and more annoyed. Just says he still wants "us" and nothing has changed (which it has, so I don't know how he's so blind to it). He seemed more than surprised when I asked if he was losing interest in this relationship. He said no. Although I'm not sure after last night.

The last thing I want to do is drive him away, but I also miss the person he acted like (and apparently pretended to be) in the beginning. This new person isn't what I signed up for and I need to figure out if it's just a phase or if I'm willing to deal with it.

I understand what you're saying. Like I said, I felt the same way but that's normal for the beginning of the courting phase of a relationship and eventually it dies down. You waiting to see if it's a phase is ridiculous. He has told you how he feels but you refuse to listen. You're blinded by the infatuation you experienced from the beginning of the relationship.

If my ex had been as rude as your bf appears to be and I stayed, I probably would have lower self-esteem now. I doubt I would have accepted it though as that's really disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings. My ex at least tried to compromise with me and contacted me more often when asked. That is, until he fimally realized we were incompatible in that way. He was constantly making me happy but it didn't make him happy.

If you want him to change who he is right now, then you don't love who he is presently. You love the person who is no longer available to you. I'm sorry, but you have to live in reality. I know that's hard because in a LDR, you (and I was guilty of it too) probably have fantacized him so much but it's not the real him.

July 17, 2016

If my ex had been as rude as your bf appears to be and I stayed, I probably would have lower self-esteem now.

I think that's my problem with the whole affair. It's not the latest lack of communication; it's his attitude: the fact he's written off my feelings because he feels he's addressed my concerns too many times and then ignores me when he doesn't want to hear me "waffle on". I've never been with someone who treats me like this. Ever. And that's what bothers me most. I feel afraid to talk about our relationship because he might ignore me, as he's done for two days now. I don't even know if we're in a relationship anymore because he's not talking to me (as far as I'm concerned, we aren't). It's childish and anyone I've told about it thinks ignoring as his reaction is controlling and ridiculous.

July 17, 2016

The last thing I want to do is drive him away, but I also miss the person he acted like (and apparently pretended to be) in the beginning. This new person isn't what I signed up for and I need to figure out if it's just a phase or if I'm willing to deal with it.

Since past performance is generally a good indicator of future behavior, my guess is that you'll keep chasing and harassing him until he either starts acting the way you want or gives you an answer to your question that you'll accept. I'm afraid that realistically, the odds of either happening by force or coercion are even worse than the lottery.

He hung up on you last night and you haven't heard from him since? The last thing you should do is make contact because that's what he expects. It's also the thing he wants least at the moment as he's already told you he can't stand it when women nag at him and his way of dealing with it is to make himself scarce.

If you want to shake him up and see where you stand, then don't make any effort at all to reach out to him. Let him stay in his cave and ruminate. He'll come out when he's good and ready. Since you're always pestering him, the sudden "radio silence" from your end will make him wonder what in h&ll is going on. If he has any interest in continuing your relationship, he'll get off his arse and contact you to try and make amends.

If he doesn't, you know he's not capable of sustaining the kind of relationship you want or weathering the stresses that are inherent with the kind of relationship (LD) you'll both have to endure.

You speak of knowing you need to do better in the self-worth department and also in setting boundaries. "Settling" by turning yourself inside out and going against your basic nature is not the way to achieve either goal.

There's an old Irish adage that says: "Start as you mean to go on."

Though you've made mistakes by letting him think you're willing to put up with his antics because you keep coming back for more, it's not too late to start again. To do so, you need to put on your big girl knickers for once and make it clear you expect and deserve respect. You don't do that by having endless circular conversations that just piss him off and irritate you.

You do it by *showing* him you're not that hard up for a relationship. Just as you wouldn't put up with bad behavior from a local guy, you sure as heck aren't going to put up with it from someone else half-way across the world.

IOW, he needs to realize if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to work at it and be an equal partner, otherwise you aren't going to give him the time of day. And, that starts by not giving him mixed signals by being the one to reach out after HE was the one that stalked off in a huff.

Get some self-respect, draw the line, and sit back and watch what he does. Actions always speak louder than words.

Best,

TMichaels

July 17, 2016