LDR ended a week ago.

[sp82]

shes 27, I am 33

 

Met a girl last October, we work together-- not for the same company--Shes in CA, me on the east coast. ( I travel alot for work, and see her on the West Coast when I'm there for work, this is how we first met) Never thought anything of it, other than I being super attracted to her. Fast forward to this past July, when we talked more and found out she was interested. We talked non stop. We met up another work related conference in August, then I flew out to spend time with her labor day weekend. These last 2+ months I fell hard for her, and same from her side. She said she was in love with me about 3 weeks ago, I said the same to her a few days later. We had a ups and downs ...the downs we got over within the same day. There was never arguements, name calling, no trusting...none of that stuff. Just the typical ups and downs from a LDR. When we are together, its the highest of high times. We are so good, its just being apart. After I went to visit her Labor day weekend it changed everything. We talked NON stop, it was literally NON stop. I supposingly "meant the world" to her..and she was crazy about us.... I always thought as we built this with more time together, that the small ups and downs would go. We had planned more time together coming up--- I'll explain more.

 

last sunday night she said that she had reached a "breaking point" and that she couldnt handle the ups and downs (keep in mind, Sunday during the day was AMAZING..talking more about me coming there in a few weeks etc

Tuesday we talked at night...about 2 hours, she was saying how she "wished I lived closer".."i dont like us being this way"..." talk to me" etc etc. Just non stop on the phone, seemed like everything was ok. The next day wednesday she ended things...saying she always promised her self that if she had a feeling something wouldnt work out, she would end things so it didnt get worse later on. I was shocked, so hurt, brought me to tears. she was crying as well during this phone call. She told me the normal..."you're so different in a great way, I even told my mom and friends about this..you are so special to me, and I meant everything Ive ever said to you". I told her if you said you love me, how do you just let it go this quick? this soon? when we are about to spend alot more time together, which would make us stronger, why do this?.. I told her Id block her number because Id be so tempted to keep talking and looking at my phone to see if you call, so I have to block to move on...anyways that was the phone call, I told her again I loved her and bye...end of the conversation. She sent me a text that night later on saying more along the lines of i meant everythign I said to you...etc etc etc.."I hope your heart heals quickly. if u ever need someone Im here" I replied to her to not do this, and give it the chance since we are seeing each other alot coming in in the next few weeks... I'm not going to block ur number etc etc etc. called her twice...nothing back, no calls or texts. So I figured Id start NC.

 

24 hours later she emails saying "hey I hope your doing ok, I know you want me to leave you alone so I will respect your wishes, just know im thinking about you and i hope your heart heals quickly"

 

I had to reply. keeping short and simple, saying "I'm doing good, I didnt ask you leave me alone, I wouldnt want that, I just asked to get off the phone because nothing was changing during the convo...this is what you really want and need from me? I will respect your wishes. Take care"

 

this was thursday 10/1 No replies no calls , no texts after that from her or me.

 

 

 

 

What makes it harder is I will be seeing her in 2-1/2 weeks when I head to CA again for another 5 day work conference where she will be there everyday. We had plans to hang out, and her spend time with me while I was there... Im also heading out to CA again around thanksgiving and was planning on spending time with her then, and she was planning on coming to visit me in December.

 

I'm so shocked and hurt that she changed like this. after saying things just 2 weeks ago how she wouldnt let me go easily..etc etc to this.

 

Was going to send her flowers in a week or so just to say hi and that I'm thinking of her, but I'm assuming thats not a good idea?.. I'm holding onto hope that theres a chance of a reconciliation here, but every hour that passes by I think thats not happening. This wasnt a bad break up, no arguement or anything, but the way shes just changed is killing me.

 

She runs the business that they do, and I was going to stop by the day I get in town, just to say hi and bring some coffee for her, but Im guessing thats not a good idea at all?.. again, because this wasnt a bad relationship/ or break up I'm not sure how to approach this. HELP

[sp82]

surely I thought someone would've had some input/insight here?

[J21]

Hey man, cheer up.

 

How did she phrase breaking up? What was her reason/rationale?

 

I think if she gave a valid reason (not spending time together physically--not just talking on the phone 247) it's really hard to justify getting back together. The problem would still exist and you're just back to square 1.

 

And no--I wouldn't send the flowers and drop by with coffee. Relationships are a two way street and when she closed off her side, you have to be mature and respect that. You did the right thing by gracefully bowing out.

 

You sending flowers and dropping by with coffee may cause more heartache for both parties. If there isn't a solution to be closer together, I don't think there is much of a point for further heartache.

 

I don't mean to knock you at all and I understand your heartache, but your text did come off a little snippy. The part about "this is what you really want and need from me? I will respect your wishes. Take care" came off to me as if you're holding a grudge.

 

Again, just my honest input.

Edited October 6, 2015 by J21

[sp82]

She never really phrased that..the convo just went in that way...then she said if she ever had a feeling things wouldnt work out she promised her self years ago that she'd end things with whoever, so it isnt harder later on...

 

Keep in mind we had only spent 3-4 days together in person, and there was alot more coming up here---when I'm out in CA in 2 weeks. so my reasoning was let that make us stronger.

 

This girl just the NIGHT before was saying "i wish you lived closer to me...I dont like things like this between us" and referred to a sexual moment between us when we met during labor day weekend. So just lost as to why the next day...not a bad break up at all...but just...done..

Edited October 6, 2015 by sp82

[notforair]

Hi sp82. Having recently been dumped by my LDgf I can completely understand where you are at right now because there are some similarities in how I felt and what you are expressing. You feel very confused and rejected. I was with my ex for almost a year. We saw each other for a weekend every month and then spent some longer trips together and also ended up spending over a month together in her city. My ex also had very vague doubts and wasn't able to really communicate what the issue was and I ended up chasing after a fix. She also always had a lot more positive reinforcement of how much she loved me and often talked about us doing things together or even her coming to live with me. I realize now that these are just words and were never followed up by actions that support them. Love is action.

 

It seems like this girl is scared and is saying things from a place of emotion. Reaching out to you like that is unfair and selfish because it only is filling her need to feel less guilt. I got very similar messages and then silence. There was 2 months of silence and she never reached out at all to talk about us. Last week I broke NC and wish that I didn't. It was friendly and ended up in a phone convo but it was clear that she had no romantic interest. She had made up her mind.

 

My advice. Don't chase this girl because it is going to drive you crazy. If she isn't contacting you then she isn't interested and it seems like she could be trying to play emotional games. Try to discount what she has told you. It was the honeymoon phase talking. Don't send flowers. I know you want to do everything possible to win this girl over but you have done so much to show her how you feel. You want someone that is going to return that without having to chase after them.

[J21]

She never really phrased that..the convo just went in that way...then she said if she ever had a feeling things wouldnt work out she promised her self years ago that she'd end things with whoever, so it isnt harder later on...

 

Keep in mind we had only spent 3-4 days together in person, and there was alot more coming up here---when I'm out in CA in 2 weeks. so my reasoning was let that make us stronger.

 

This girl just the NIGHT before was saying "i wish you lived closer to me...I dont like things like this between us" and referred to a sexual moment between us when we met during labor day weekend. So just lost as to why the next day...not a bad break up at all...but just...done..

After the 2 weeks, then what would be next?

 

There doesn't seem to be a long term goal of being together permanently--and meanwhile she is getting more and more emotionally invested. That is probably what influenced her decision.

 

In order for a LDR to work, there really has to be a long term goal of being together one day. A definite timeline or something to move forward to.

 

She was probably thinking big picture/further ahead rather than only 2 weeks from now.

[sp82]

After the 2 weeks, then what would be next?

 

There doesn't seem to be a long term goal of being together permanently--and meanwhile she is getting more and more emotionally invested. That is probably what influenced her decision.

 

In order for a LDR to work, there really has to be a long term goal of being together one day. A definite timeline or something to move forward to.

 

She was probably thinking big picture/further ahead rather than only 2 weeks from now.

 

 

well I am in CA again thanks giving for almost a week. Then she was coming out here to visit me in December. There was nothing immediate, but we hadnt got to that stage yet, being only 2+ months into it.

[sp82]

Hi sp82. Having recently been dumped by my LDgf I can completely understand where you are at right now because there are some similarities in how I felt and what you are expressing. You feel very confused and rejected. I was with my ex for almost a year. We saw each other for a weekend every month and then spent some longer trips together and also ended up spending over a month together in her city. My ex also had very vague doubts and wasn't able to really communicate what the issue was and I ended up chasing after a fix. She also always had a lot more positive reinforcement of how much she loved me and often talked about us doing things together or even her coming to live with me. I realize now that these are just words and were never followed up by actions that support them. Love is action.

 

It seems like this girl is scared and is saying things from a place of emotion. Reaching out to you like that is unfair and selfish because it only is filling her need to feel less guilt. I got very similar messages and then silence. There was 2 months of silence and she never reached out at all to talk about us. Last week I broke NC and wish that I didn't. It was friendly and ended up in a phone convo but it was clear that she had no romantic interest. She had made up her mind.

 

My advice. Don't chase this girl because it is going to drive you crazy. If she isn't contacting you then she isn't interested and it seems like she could be trying to play emotional games. Try to discount what she has told you. It was the honeymoon phase talking. Don't send flowers. I know you want to do everything possible to win this girl over but you have done so much to show her how you feel. You want someone that is going to return that without having to chase after them.

 

 

 

thanks for your input... just still so hard to figure out considering the convo we had literally 12 hours before..the night before.

[sp82]

thanks for your input... just still so hard to figure out considering the convo we had literally 12 hours before..the night before. I've been NC almost a week now...... this wasnt a bad break up at all, not even close to it. I was not expecting her to reach out or anything, thats why I was OK sending flowers with a simple note "just to brighten your day"..and thats about it. again not expecting a reply, and I'm OK with that.

 

 

 

 

also...what happens when i see her 2 weeks from now?...what do i do? how do i act?.. this f***g sucks

Edited October 6, 2015 by sp82

[J21]

thanks for your input... just still so hard to figure out considering the convo we had literally 12 hours before..the night before. I've been NC almost a week now...... this wasnt a bad break up at all, not even close to it. I was not expecting her to reach out or anything, thats why I was OK sending flowers with a simple note "just to brighten your day"..and thats about it. again not expecting a reply, and I'm OK with that.

 

 

 

 

also...what happens when i see her 2 weeks from now?...what do i do? how do i act?.. this f***g sucks

From one man to another man, let me just give you some straight talk.

 

Sometimes people just have a change of heart, whatever the reason is, it shouldn't matter.

 

She decided, for whatever reason, she did not want to continue with the relationship, so you have to respect that and move on. Why would you want to pursue someone that decided she didn't want to be with you? You should be with someone that knows what they want, and someone that wants to be with you.

 

It's reasonable to want to understand the who, what, where, when, why's when none of it really matters. I get it, yeah, things changed so fast you're left wondering wtf just happened?

 

But the only thing that matters is the final outcome: If she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't have broke up. That's the cold hard facts.

 

It seems like it was a 2 month+ relationship, so I don't know if the pain would linger for that much longer. You can heal a lot in 2 weeks, you'd be surprised. If you're still in that much heartache after a month for something that was only 2 months, you are really over reacting to this relationship.

 

I understand you like her and things changed so suddenly, but that's how it goes sometimes. That kinda stuff happens to married couples with children even. One day they wake up and realize they want a divorce. It's crazy.

 

It wasn't a "bad break up", but the truth is it was still a break up at the end of the day.

 

The whole flower things is something you do when you're dating and in a relationship--something you are no longer in. It's just a bad idea and looks to be a desperate attempt to win her back.

 

It's cringeworthy if she already made up her mind and decided to move on.

Edited October 7, 2015 by J21

[LoveIsMyReligion]

It seems like distance was the issue. After a while words don't mean much, people need to be physically with each other eventually and these short week long trips aren't enough, especially with no end in sight.

 

I wouldn't drag this out any longer. If one day you move to California, sure send her a message and ask her out for coffee or whatever; otherwise it's best to move on...

[froz]

Sorry to hear about the break up, this is difficult.

May GOD BLESS you in the future. You deserve better.