Confusion...

[justanickname]

Hello everyone,

 

First, thanks for reading this, and I would appreciate for any comments/suggestions/advice.

 

I have a crush to a travel mate after two years we traveled together (it sounds stupid, as when we were together, nothing happened, but with long distance, I started to fall for him...).

We had never officially mentioned of any romantic stuffs, but we are both sure we are single. We all agreed that if anyone of us has bf or gf, we would let the other know, to avoid any misunderstandings.

 

He used to upset me sometimes before, while we set (a) call(s), but then canceled, for very trivial things, which made me feel he did not respect me enough. So far, his reaction is both hot and cold. Sometimes I feel he really cares about me; the other time, he ignores me and not bother to answer any messages, even though he is online most of the time. I used to argue with him few times about that, saying but not very clear, that I could not get him, that if he wanted to talk or keep in touch seriously. He confirmed that he wanted to keep in touch, and he changed a little. But still...

 

Two months ago, too tired with his behavior, I decided to let go by sending him an email, saying I would not want to keep in touch for about 3-4 months, which is the duration of his travel, and I would not contact him after the trip, if he would not be the one who wants to keep in touch. And then removed/deleted all of his contacts (skype, phone, etc.) But there was somethings happened in between and we seemed to even closer. He sent me pictures of the places he traveled. We messaged every 3-4 days, and latest a week.

 

About two week ago, I shared with him some nice things on the net that I found. He responded "yes" immediately while I asked if his phone could open youtube but then nothing (normally he would say sth or comments). Then he kept silence and ignored my questions and concerns to him. Although he has been online almost every day, he did not bother to contact me and still left my questions unanswered.

 

2-3 days ago, I uninstall Viber (for some other reasons as well) while I didn't save his number. Actually I wanted to take the chance to starting the NC to him, if he played the "cold", because I was too tired with up-and-down feelings. Anyway, today I got a missed call with the code 00xx, which I understand that international call, and the first two digits (not 00) was from the country that he used to live and had a phone number, but it was a year ago and I am not sure if he kept the number or not. I used to have that number as well, but later he told me to delete it. It was strange, and made me decide to install Viber again. Anyway, I have just recognized Viber does not keep any messages/calls once you remove the apps, so I totally have no ideas whether he tried to contact me for the last 2-3 days.

 

To be honest, I have a big self-esteem, and I have a rule that if I am the last contact, with questions left unanswered, there would be no more news from me. I do not want to break the rules, and as mentioned before, he has been up and down, and I have no ideas what and how he thinks about me.

 

However, for the last few days, my head has been spinning at night time, and I have struggled a bit for sleep. Most of the time, I hate to admit, thinking of him...

My esteem tells me that I should be cold, stay NC and let things go. However, other part says that I should be patient, keep in touch, as we so far have nothing called "romantics", so I should not expect any special. And maybe I should try to arrange to meet him again in his home (which he has invited me few times) to confirm about all this. But again, this will be stupid for wasting money for such trip (expensive to me - since I come from a developing country) if there would be nothing.

I am really confused now... At the third person view, what do you think about this?

Thanks for being patient enough to read all this and give out your ideas.

[ExpatInItaly]

If I understand correctly, you met two years ago. How did you meet, and how long did you travel together?

 

It sounds as though this friendship has become too one-sided, with you making most of the effort. I sense that he likes you well enough as a person and enjoys the attention from you but it doesn't go much further than that. A guy who is interested in more would be putting more time and effort into keeping up communication with you. You say after you sent him an email telling him you weren't going to contact him, some things happened and you became closer. What happened, exactly?

 

I would definitely not be spending money to travel to him, particularly if this would seriously dent your resources. He isn't even able to respond to you, so showing up in his current location would be unwise.

[justanickname]

Hi ExpatInItaly,

Thanks for your ideas.

 

Well, we met 3 years ago. It was that we both linked via a travel site. Since we had similar ideas of where and when to go, we decided to go together, after 1-2 months emailing back and forth discussing in details. The trip was short, only 10-12 days...

 

For the first year, we were regular online friends. However, I got some problems in my life, and he was there to share and encourage me. Later I started to have a feeling for him.

I have read some posts on LS, and I aware that I have been too emotional for the guy, as well as the logic of "if the guy wants, he will make the move, no matter what." Well, that is the reason makes me tired of trying to keep the relations. He actually treated me better with time, but the stability of his action was missing.

 

The problem is, when I have my head cold, I could hold it all, and fine with no contact, ignore him, etc. But for the other time, I would like to continue to give a try, convincing me that it is not clear and I may need to see him again in person to know. I told him to visit me, but he keeps saying that he would, but not sure when... (it is stupid excuse for me, I know!).

 

Anyway, I recognize today (few minutes ago) that he was not online for couple of days (I won't go into details how I know), and maybe right before or after the date I deactivated my Viber. This plus the situation of the call I mentioned in the previous post, concern me of his situation. Should I send him an email (that is the best way to contact for now, since I deleted his numbers and skype) to check? It will break my Rule, though... And yeah (the cold mind says), if he could not be able to be online, he could not read it anyway... But I do concern about this. What do you think, should I contact him?

Edited October 3, 2015 by justanickname

[justwhoiam]

I agree with what you think and what the other poster said.

 

1) Nothing happened while you were travelling with him. If he had been even slightly interested, you would have known.

 

2) But let's suppose that he was shy or didn't want to ruin the friendship. You didn't notice much interest in you even from afar, except from being a friend. He was there when you needed someone to vent. He was being a friend.

 

3) The fact that you fell for him doesn't mean he fell for you. When and how did he say he fell in love with you? How did you come to the agreement that if one of you has a bf or gf, they'll say so?

 

4) Also, with the above agreement, you are both open to relationship, so that means: no relationship between you two other than friendship. A real bf/gf relationship needs some kind of sexual intimacy, and I'm not sure what you had with him.

 

5) While you're there thinking of him, he's living his love stories, flirts, flings, whatever. So I guess you did well deleting his contacts. Let him go. If he wants you, he'll have to work a little. But it looks like he's not willing to put in that kind of effort.

[justanickname]

Hi Justwhoiam,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I have made a long reply but the internet connection was interrupted. So short for this time.

 

1) & 2) There were some signals, but weak. For my previous experience with another person, with much clearer signals, it turned out wrong, so I do not want to trust in those. Plus, I am very terrible of relationships and roman. Never been in even one.

 

3) Agree with you. That is why I try to play safe as well. E.g., while he shares with me his personal pics, even his family, I shared only once to him. We use formal words sometimes, such as "would like" instead of "want", etc.

About the agreement, it was when I got the misunderstanding from a girl - not related to him (later she apologized). He knew the story. And we came to the agreement. We also agreed that no ghosting as well. If anyone wants to cut contact, at least an inform. Like I did with my email, although it was "temporary" with the length of his travel.

 

4) We hugged once. Actually it was before we said goodbye, he suddenly hugged me very tight, I was surprised. But I know it mostly because he knew we may never meet again. Anyway, I agree with you. That's why I think we need to see each other again in person to check all about this.

 

5) Again, you have a point. But I am not confident of deleting his contact for now. Since I figured out he has been offline for couple of days and with the strange call I got few days ago, I am worried if anything bad could happen to him. After all, he is my close friend for sure. Maybe I should be patient for another week. If he is still offline, my goodness, I may need to contact his mother (!!) to ask, although she doesn't know English and she perhaps doesn't know about me.

Edited October 4, 2015 by justanickname

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I don't think you should try to contact him again. And I certainly don't see why you would need to contact his mother? Just no. If something is wrong, there are surely others closer to him that would alert the family. But I think you're reaching there, looking for reasons to get in touch.

 

This all sounds far too complicated for a friendship. It seems like he is out living his life (ie. not online) and you on the hand are checking his internet presence. Go out and live your life too. Get busy with your friends and explore the idea of dating locally. I don't think this crush is going to amount to anything, unfortunately.

[justanickname]

It is just because I would like to know if he is fine or not. He is very close to his mother, so anything happens to him, she should know. That's it.

He is traveling, so that is why I concern. If he is at home, I won't care.

 

But you may be right. Maybe he is tired of the friendship and wants to disappear. Anyway, I will step back for a while.

 

Thanks.

[violetdiamond]

Hi justanickname,

 

I can imagine how hurtful it must be to try and keep in touch with a crush who doesn't seem to be putting in the same effort that you are. Does he know how you feel about him or does he think that you two are just friends? Maybe that would make a difference?

[justanickname]

Violet,

I don't know whether he knows I like him a lot. I have never told. Neither does he. And we have never asked such thing like "what do you think about me, etc".

I should let you know that before I used to tell him I think I would never get marriage, and I don't believe in it either. He often said "You will, there should be someone". This maybe the reason why we never say a word of our feelings (if any).

 

Anyway, here is the update if you are curious. After the date I last posted in the thread, he was online as normal, so I had no worry. I stopped checking his internet presence like ExpatinItaly advised.

He contacted me after around more than 2 weeks silence, just few pictures, and I know he travels with another guy.

Anyway, last night, he updated me more with some more pics. He could arrange to work online sometimes during his few months trip - I was surprised. He never told me before... This made me understand he does not care about me like the way I feel about him. Plus, today I got a postcard he sent 3 weeks ago, few days before we last contacted online the previous time. He tried to write the greeting in my language, which he learnt few years ago, but he couldn't remember, so he wrote and crossed it out. I see he tried, but he didn't recall it well... I think I will give up this time. I would not say any more words till he comes home and contacts me. Maybe we will have the last conversation. I don't think it is wise to tell him I have/had a crush on him via skype, for me it should be a face-to-face convo, which may never happen.

We will see.

But I feel bad today, seriously...