Girlfriend is travelling for 3 months without me

[Crad]

Hello

My girlfriend told me when we got together she had already been saving for a long time, to travel Australia for a year as it's her dream. We've been dating for 8 months and in that time she encouraged me to join her. When I finally told her I had enough money to go, she was worried that it wouldn't be the same with me there but she still wanted to be with me, so the plan is for her to leave in without me and I join her 3 months later.

 

Its been 26 days without her and her messages had gotten less affectionate after about 10 days. The first 5 days she was desperate for me to come earlier, she told me that she loves me and only me with hearts and loads of affection.

 

She still messages me every day at least once but she just tells me about her day, asks about mine and ends with a line of x's but it feels like the love has gone. I asked her 2 days ago if she still wants to be with me and she said "what kind of a question is that?.. Of course haha!". I know also that she's met a male friend a bit older than her who told her he likes her but she told me that he's just a friend. She told me that she gets along with him the most though and he's going to travel in the same direction as her for the next month or so. I trust she wouldn't cheat on me but I'm worried she'll fall for him while she's in her dream country and wish that she was with him instead of me.

 

I know she doesn't want me to meet her earlier than planned as she said she's worried she'll just rely on me all the time.If I went out earlier I would probably push her away!

 

When she was with me we had plans to move out after travelling and even talked about eventually marrying! I have just over 2 months until my flight and I'm finding it so hard to deal with the emotional distance. She phones me about once a week but I have to ask her to, the timezone makes contact difficult for messaging. I usually get a couple messages in the morning, 1 or 2 at lunch and then 1 or 2 at midnight. She says "i love you too" at the end of her messages to me but she doesn't say without me saying it first.

 

I'm probably being stupid worrying and I understand we're likely to drift apart a bit during this time but I'm worried she'll fall out of love with me and then split up when I get out there. Her mum told me she still loves me, to give her the time alone and then I can pick things up when I go out there.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Should I be worried about this guy? Do you think she'll fall in love with me again when I see her?

[newmoon]

you should be planning for your upcoming trip and thinking about how lucky you are to be travelling to Australia you're focusing on things you cannot control from a distance and worrying over things you cannot do anything about. you are also far from her, so she could be experiencing the same worries, right? maybe you will fall in love in her absence, it goes both ways. it shows a lack of trust and maturity when you can't let another person go without worrying over their fidelity and life in your absence. she is probably having a nice time, enjoying new activities, etc. and cannot call or message as often. there is also a major time difference there from almost every other place, so perhaps factor that in as well. the times she is free may not be ok time to contact you.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

You're not being stupid.

 

I wouldn't go on this trip, trust your gut instincts man.

Speaking from experience.

[emi]

This is really strange.

If it were me, having planned the trip lomg time ago then i met my boyfriend, i would be so thrilled i have him travelling with. I dont understand the nonsense of with you it wouldnt be the same.

I think its too hard to pinpoint anything at the moment. You should wait and see. Did u pay for your plane ticket? Do you want to go travel, esp in australia before?

[CC12]

Like newmoon said, you're worrying about things you have no control over. You guys are planning a future together. Just hang back and trust her. Be happy for her that she's having an amazing experience and that you'll be joining her on it shortly.

 

I asked her 2 days ago if she still wants to be with me and she said "what kind of a question is that?.. Of course haha!".

 

Please don't do stuff like that. Don't question her devotion to you or passive-aggressively try to prove a point or whatever. Tell her what you need, in a casual and easy way. While I don't think you can ask her to contact you more often than she has been, you can let her know how you've been feeling. Try this: "I have to be honest and let you know that I've been having some trouble with this distance. I can deal with once-a-week phone calls and a few texts per day, but I need to feel some affection or closeness when we are able to communicate. Do you realize that for the past couple of weeks you have not once said 'I love you' without me saying it first? That doesn't feel good."

 

I know also that she's met a male friend a bit older than her who told her he likes her but she told me that he's just a friend. She told me that she gets along with him the most though and he's going to travel in the same direction as her for the next month or so.

 

This is tricky because normally I would say that you need to let her have friends even if they happen to be men, but this particular man has told her that he likes her. Due to that, I don't think she should be hanging out with him as friends. Not because she'd cheat on you, necessarily, I just don't think it's appropriate to remain in a friendship where one person has romantic intentions and the other does not.

 

So he's traveling "in the same direction" as her for a month - what does that entail? Are they traveling in a group and she kind of has to interact with him? Or is she voluntarily planning on meeting up with him while traveling?

[okc85]

Gut instincts exist for a reason. Yea, he has no control over what she does there, but he's not crazy for being worried.

 

 

It's weird to say 'nah don't come with me..' to your boyfriend you love.

 

 

OP, how old are you two? I'm going to guess and say you're both under 25.

[Crad]

I bought the plane ticket and visa 2 months before she left. In fact she wanted me to buy them so much she went on the website to do it instead of me as I was putting it off due to being scared about going.

 

She knows that it was not my dream to travel Australia, but I would still enjoy it, I have nothing to lose and I do look forward to going however we both know the main reason I'm going is to be with her. I wouldn't want to do it alone though but with her would be amazing.

 

Yes both under 25, we had a great relationship and it seems so unfair that it should end, especially since we were/are still in love when she left but have only drifted while she's been gone.

 

I know i've made bad choices in being too clingy. She told me that she's so happy living her dream being free and she feels guilty when I tell her that I'm upset. She really doesn't want me to be there until the the original date though, I even suggested going there earlier and not visiting her but she didn't like that either. Probably because she knows i wouldn't be able to stay away!

 

She messages me every day still, when she wakes up in the morning. She still says I love you, usually after I've already said it first. I will definitely be going there in December. She told me today after i told her how upset i've been without her that "this is good for us" and to try and stay positive by focusing on work and do things that make me happy without her. I'm not sure if she's preparing me for heartbreak or not (or if she really just wants to make our relationship stronger) but I don't know why she'd keep messaging me with x's and i love you's unless it's just because she feels guilty.

 

I know she's not going to cheat on me, she would never do that. If she didn't want to be with me she would probably wait until I'm there to see if she's sure first and then she would break up with me if she really didn't love me any more. She knows I'm 100% going to be there in December as she persuaded me to buy the tickets and I have hopes that we can be together again then.

 

I also do understand why she'd rather do it alone for a while without me. She essentially will be doing that for 3 months and then she would have had her time without me to live her dream. Everyone online says travelling alone is better than being with someone as you have your freedom. I know she still cares about me in some way, I just wish I didn't have to wait so long without being sure that we will be together again like we were before. I thought that she would message me the whole time telling me that she misses me and loves me but instead she's having the time of her life while I'm upset waiting at home. Even when I have plans it's just to pass the time.

 

Oh and the guy that likes her, he's going to NZ for a week and also going to where she's going to be at the end of next month so they might meet up as they got along well. I'm not that worried about him as she wouldn't be telling me about him if she wanted him surely?

 

It feels like the time is dragging forever and the only way I can make her feel the butterflies she used to feel is by being there but at the same time I know that she NEEDS to be doing this by herself, she's so independent that she goes around the town by herself to explore!

 

Do you think I can win back her love properly when I see her or is there no hope?

I know she's not interested in finding another boyfriend, otherwise she would have just had me since we've been together for 8 months and I'll be with her again soon.

I won't fall in love with anyone while I'm here, I don't want to. This is supposed to strengthen our relationship and I'd be a fool to throw it away for a new girl especially since I'll be gone in 9 weeks! She might have worries about me but probably not, she's coping much better than I am.

 

She said she'll Skype me tonight so I'll have to wait and see what she says. I really hope she doesn't change her mind about being with me for whatever reason.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice

[lolablue17]

When i met my girlfriend (now my wife), I had changed ALL my plans. If I didn't change we wouldn't be together now. I i was in your shoes I'd break up the minute she asked you not to come with her from day 1.

 

It's totaly legitimate to have a dream and to travel alone for few month. IF YOU'RE SINGLE! Her priorities are different. Yet you've decided to stay and let her go without you ( I wouldn't).

 

Now, you must live according to your decision. Don't count too much on your guts because long distance twists guts feelings, and makes an elefant out of a mouse.

 

I can't help not refering to her desire to go alone. Well, let's radicalize the situation (Just for the mind game). there are girls which after a break up with a long long term Bf, plans to be single for a while to have fun with no commitment.

 

I know one girl that was in the same situation (broke up, was planning to be a single). But then, after a week she met a great guy. So according to your Gf, She should have told this guy to wait 2-3 month while she's scr&ing other guys, BECAUSE THIS WAS HER PREVIOUS PLAN????

 

She told you that she didn't want to rely on you!! WOW! Well, It's would be odd to a Gf not to rely on her Bf. I think that you two, didn't really think about it before you made your bizzar arrangment.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Crad,

 

I'll let you see what you wrote through my eyes.

 

You start off calling her your girlfriend, but then you say "we've been dating for 8 months". Maybe I'm just being picky but - as far as I know - dating someone for a number of months can still be casual, even when you're exclusive. Especially at a young age.

 

When I finally told her I had enough money to go, she was worried that it wouldn't be the same with me there

Uhm, yes, travelling with a boyfriend and travelling alone are two different things. You're open to flings if you travel alone. That's the main difference. Maybe she also dreams of being with some Australian guy or have her Australian adventure of a lifetime with some stranger. Look at the chosen verb with which you described her reaction: she was worried. You'd get worried, if you started thinking your plans are gonna get messed up/ruined. No worries about leaving you behind or losing you in the process. That's so revealing.

 

her messages had gotten less affectionate after about 10 days.

Stop reading into her texts. She's there to have fun, you're home freaking out. I feel that if you'll be "cold" in return, things will precipitate.

 

I asked her 2 days ago if she still wants to be with me and she said "what kind of a question is that?.. Of course haha!".

She let you know that she's 200% sure about you and that you'll stick around no matter what. You let her believe that. Good? Bad? You be the judge.

 

she's met a male friend a bit older than her who told her he likes her but she told me that he's just a friend. She told me that she gets along with him the most though and he's going to travel in the same direction as her for the next month or so.

What a coincidence. So she finds a guy by chance after a few days she's been there and they're gonnna travel together. Oh, and she doesn't care about relying on another guy while travelling? Suddenly travelling with another guy a few days after getting there is not a problem anymore. She's giving up her freedom right away. Because, you know, when you travel with someone else, you need to compromise on what to see, where to go, etc. I have a feeling she might have been in touch with this other guy prior to her departure. I mean, who would travel with someone you don't really know and that you've just known for like a couple of days, for a long trip. Weird. So so weird. And unwise. He could be a raper or something.

 

I know she doesn't want me to meet her earlier than planned

No kidding. Especially now. You'd totally ruin the first part of her trip. Hopefully she won't play with this 'new' guy's feelings.

 

Her mum told me she still loves me, to give her the time alone and then I can pick things up when I go out there.

I think you should really stop talking to her mum and really mind your business, just like her daughter is doing. She doesn't need to justify her daughter's behavior. You won't need to justify yours.

 

Do you think she'll fall in love with me again when I see her?

Who knows what's going through her mind right now? There's the whole excitement of her trip to & through Australia, the rest can come from it. I had friends who went over there and were quite disappointed, seeing all those dead kangaroos at the sides of the road, hit by cars. They were not that impressed. But they had travelled quite a lot before then, while your girlfriend, I guess she doesn't have many parameters for comparison.

 

Stick to your plan of going there, unless something really bad comes up in the meantime.

[justanickname]

Hello,

 

If you do not have enough conditions (i.e money, some responsibilities that you have to have, etc.), then it is understandable for me that she would travel alone for a while.

However, what I see here is you can be able to go with her. Then I could not understand why you have to wait for 3 months? I know that it is not good to stick by 24/7, but I think about 1 month traveling solo is pretty long enough for anyone in a relationship, if they totally have the conditions to go together.

 

I had a coworker, who engaged already, but after 2 months staying in another country without his fiancee, well, they broke up, it was not because of any third person, but they simply cannot handle the long distance for that long (he would continue to go to another country without her for more time). It was sad, and I hope it would not happen to anyone in love. Thus, if you can, GO, TRAVEL WITH HER ASAP. Don't put your ego too high for the time 3 months.

 

Good luck.

[Crad]

She still messages me every day. A few days ago her message ended with "I love you loads" before I said anything, but this was when she'd just moved to a new hostel so was probably lonely.

 

I kind of get to speak to her throughout the day this past week but its usually over an hour wait before she replies to each message so its not a very great conversation.

 

I'm not worried about the guy, she only just met him and she's gone somewhere without him now, he'll meet her at the end of this month because he's in the same location then but they're just friends. He told her he likes her but she's probably not interested. She doesn't want to rely on anyone, she just wants to meet new people and do her own thing.

 

So far I feel like she wants to be with me but right now she wants to be alone, so it's like im on the backburner until I see her in December (2 months away now)

 

I hope I can pick things up again when is see her

[OnlyHonesty]

Hello

My girlfriend told me when we got together she had already been saving for a long time, to travel Australia for a year as it's her dream. We've been dating for 8 months and in that time she encouraged me to join her. When I finally told her I had enough money to go, she was worried that it wouldn't be the same with me there but she still wanted to be with me, so the plan is for her to leave in without me and I join her 3 months later.

 

Its been 26 days without her and her messages had gotten less affectionate after about 10 days. The first 5 days she was desperate for me to come earlier, she told me that she loves me and only me with hearts and loads of affection.

 

She still messages me every day at least once but she just tells me about her day, asks about mine and ends with a line of x's but it feels like the love has gone. I asked her 2 days ago if she still wants to be with me and she said "what kind of a question is that?.. Of course haha!". I know also that she's met a male friend a bit older than her who told her he likes her but she told me that he's just a friend. She told me that she gets along with him the most though and he's going to travel in the same direction as her for the next month or so. I trust she wouldn't cheat on me but I'm worried she'll fall for him while she's in her dream country and wish that she was with him instead of me.

 

I know she doesn't want me to meet her earlier than planned as she said she's worried she'll just rely on me all the time.If I went out earlier I would probably push her away!

 

When she was with me we had plans to move out after travelling and even talked about eventually marrying! I have just over 2 months until my flight and I'm finding it so hard to deal with the emotional distance. She phones me about once a week but I have to ask her to, the timezone makes contact difficult for messaging. I usually get a couple messages in the morning, 1 or 2 at lunch and then 1 or 2 at midnight. She says "i love you too" at the end of her messages to me but she doesn't say without me saying it first.

 

I'm probably being stupid worrying and I understand we're likely to drift apart a bit during this time but I'm worried she'll fall out of love with me and then split up when I get out there. Her mum told me she still loves me, to give her the time alone and then I can pick things up when I go out there.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Should I be worried about this guy? Do you think she'll fall in love with me again when I see her?

 

 

Ive highlighted a few key points. In summary, I would say it's all over. The minute you have to tell your own gf or remind her to give you a call, it's done with. She does not want you on holiday with her because she thinks you will cramp her style and she will not be able to ''have fun''.

 

Trust your gut instincts and don't be naive. Either she will have fun on holiday and then marry you or she will have fun on holiday and string you along or dump you. You care more about her than she cares about you and you need to stop ignoring your instincts.

 

Your instincts are telling you that she will cheat. They are telling you that the older man she has met will be having fun with her for the few months. Your first mistake is thinking that having such thoughts are stupid.

[OnlyHonesty]

She still messages me every day. A few days ago her message ended with "I love you loads" before I said anything, but this was when she'd just moved to a new hostel so was probably lonely.

 

I kind of get to speak to her throughout the day this past week but its usually over an hour wait before she replies to each message so its not a very great conversation.

 

I'm not worried about the guy, she only just met him and she's gone somewhere without him now, he'll meet her at the end of this month because he's in the same location then but they're just friends. He told her he likes her but she's probably not interested. She doesn't want to rely on anyone, she just wants to meet new people and do her own thing.

 

So far I feel like she wants to be with me but right now she wants to be alone, so it's like im on the backburner until I see her in December (2 months away now)

 

I hope I can pick things up again when is see her

 

Just imagine the situation was reversed. You were the one on holiday and she was the one you told to hold out for 3 months. What do you think she would have said if you told her you had met an older woman and that she was traveling in the same direction. That the older woman was interested in you but you were just friends.

 

What do you think she would do when she knew that the exact time you told her to stay away was the same time the older women would be around.

 

When I was with my gf, there is no way I would even think about spending my holiday with another women or telling her to wait 3 months. It is disrespectful and an insult. As far as I am concerned, you accepting this sends a clear message to her about your boundaries and self esteem.