Boyfriend Will Be Out Of Town For a Week Or So

[AnyTakers]

I have posted a thread not long ago about my boyfriend saying that he will be going out of town for his birthday and he will be gone for about a week. He left yesterday. We are already in a LDR. When we talked prior to him going out of town, there was no assurance from him whatsoever that I will hear from him at all while he's gone. If a week goes by and he doesn't even talk to me at all, should I consider just calling this whole thing off or what? Would any of you do that if that happened to you? How would you handle that? Thanks.

[Keenly]

You are already considering breaking up with him for something that hasn't even happened.

 

You are WAAAAAY Overthinking this.

[d0nnivain]

Personally I assume I will not here from people when they are away from home. I hardly call that a break up worry offense.

[TaraMaiden2]

I juat read your last thread.

I don't know how long you've been together but I'm sorry, you sound very insecure.

You received good advice in that thread of letting things be and trying to do something for yourself, and here you are contemplating breaking up with him.

 

Over his decision to spend his birthday doing his own thing?

Seriously?

 

I'm sorry, but you sound very clingy and demanding, and as it's LDR, it's not surprising he's taking himself out and about to do stuff to celebrate.

If he was with you, and you were seeing him all the time, I'd understand your disquiet, but give the guy a break!

 

You'd really break up over this?

 

Wow.

Just, wow....

[AnyTakers]

I juat read your last thread.

I don't know how long you've been together but I'm sorry, you sound very insecure.

You received good advice in that thread of letting things be and trying to do something for yourself, and here you are contemplating breaking up with him.

 

Over his decision to spend his birthday doing his own thing?

Seriously?

 

I'm sorry, but you sound very clingy and demanding, and as it's LDR, it's not surprising he's taking himself out and about to do stuff to celebrate.

If he was with you, and you were seeing him all the time, I'd understand your disquiet, but give the guy a break!

 

You'd really break up over this?

 

Wow.

Just, wow....

Well for the past couple of weeks we have barely talked and I have said nothing to him about it. I've been understanding and everything. It's not like we live in the same town. It's been bad enough that we have hardly talked when he was in his town, but to go a whole week and not hear anything? I'm insecure because of that? Why? I can understand if I want to hear from him every single hour. But to not hear from him for a whole week? Again, why am I insecure about that? I've been afraid to even tell him how I feel about anything, but when I do, he always questions whether or not I want to have a relationship with him. Even on my birthday, he made it about him, when it was MY Day, yet I forgave, but he can't keep in touch with at least a text message, but I'm insecure about that? The fact you would use my previous post against me when I feel like I am being reasonable for not being alright with not hearing from my boyfriend for a whole week, doesn't make sense. He expects me to make time for him and not blow him off and go all this time without talking to him, but when I expect the same, I'm being clingy? Really? Just wow, back at you! He's not my FRIEND. We are in a relationship, and a long-distance one at that, which is very difficult in itself.

[d0nnivain]

AnyTakers

 

 

This LDR is not working for you. You want more attention then this man is willing to able to give. I am not faulting you for wanting it. I'm suggesting that you are barking up the wrong tree & he's not the best match for you.

 

 

Consider what would make you happy in a relationship. Think realistically about whether your BF can deliver. If you have doubts, just get out & go look for somebody closer.

 

 

It's not a fault or failure . . . it's just not working so go find something / someone better suited to you.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well for the past couple of weeks we have barely talked and I have said nothing to him about it. I've been understanding and everything. It's not like we live in the same town. It's been bad enough that we have hardly talked when he was in his town, but to go a whole week and not hear anything? I'm insecure because of that? Why? I can understand if I want to hear from him every single hour. But to not hear from him for a whole week? Again, why am I insecure about that? I've been afraid to even tell him how I feel about anything, but when I do, he always questions whether or not I want to have a relationship with him.

 

Even on my birthday, he made it about him, when it was MY Day, yet I forgave, but he can't keep in touch with at least a text message, but I'm insecure about that? The fact you would use my previous post against me when I feel like I am being reasonable for not being alright with not hearing from my boyfriend for a whole week, doesn't make sense. He expects me to make time for him and not blow him off and go all this time without talking to him, but when I expect the same, I'm being clingy? Really? Just wow, back at you! He's not my FRIEND. We are in a relationship, and a long-distance one at that, which is very difficult in itself.

 

You never mentioned any of the bolded bits above, so how is anyone supposed to know the general state of your relationship, if you don't give information?

 

in which case, I agree with d0nnivain.

 

It sounds basically as if he's immature, and you're incompatible.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Hi AnyTakers,

 

This is something I've been thinking about as well. The main thing I see different in our situations is my SO and I have talked about our communication habits. He doesn't particularly like talking on the phone and would rather text, whereas I find that impersonal primarily because we are in a ldr. I sensitively explained this to him. I'm not one of his friends or a local girlfriend at the moment so while I'm not asking him to call me daily, I do need to be able to hear from him somewhat regularly.

 

You need to communicate this to your boyfriend in a manner that is confident rather than in a nagging and insecure way. I think holding in your feelings actually causes more issues in both spoken and unspoken ways. If he can't agree to compromise with your needs then you aren't compatible with him and I'd seriously consider finding someone who can meet your needs more closely.

[justwhoiam]

I have posted a thread not long ago about my boyfriend saying that he will be going out of town for his birthday

I read it, but I'm still wondering: is it a virtual relationship? Have you ever met this guy? Because while I would expect to spend time with my boyfriend for his birthday, if it were a virtual relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if he felt like not spending time with a virtual lover.

 

And, if it were not a virtual relationship, I would expect him not to decide on a one-week vacation without me. Do his friends even know you exist? They didn't seem to care about you in the least.

 

And no, it's not fine cutting contact for a week. There are smartphones nowadays, and I assume he has one. And with wi-fi, he can drop a line from so many places (bars, restaurants, hotels, etc.) But it takes a willing person to do that.

 

Anyway, you're being too passive in this relationship and I don't think it can work that way.

[OnlyHonesty]

I have posted a thread not long ago about my boyfriend saying that he will be going out of town for his birthday and he will be gone for about a week. He left yesterday. We are already in a LDR. When we talked prior to him going out of town, there was no assurance from him whatsoever that I will hear from him at all while he's gone. If a week goes by and he doesn't even talk to me at all, should I consider just calling this whole thing off or what? Would any of you do that if that happened to you? How would you handle that? Thanks.

 

 

Yes, I think you should call the whole thing off so he can be with someone that wouldn't call the whole thing off for something that hasn't even happened yet.

[AnyTakers]

I read it, but I'm still wondering: is it a virtual relationship? Have you ever met this guy? Because while I would expect to spend time with my boyfriend for his birthday, if it were a virtual relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if he felt like not spending time with a virtual lover.

 

And, if it were not a virtual relationship, I would expect him not to decide on a one-week vacation without me. Do his friends even know you exist? They didn't seem to care about you in the least.

 

And no, it's not fine cutting contact for a week. There are smartphones nowadays, and I assume he has one. And with wi-fi, he can drop a line from so many places (bars, restaurants, hotels, etc.) But it takes a willing person to do that.

 

Anyway, you're being too passive in this relationship and I don't think it can work that way.

 

 

It's virtual, I guess you can say. I've known him for a while though before we started having a relationship. He says that the friend that he went out of town for week with knows about me and has told him about me on a few occasions and referred to me as his 'girl'. And I have told him before he left that if he really wanted to talk he would find a way to hit me up somehow even if it's by email. I sent him an email yesterday wishing him a happy birthday. I also mailed him something for his birthday, but sadly it didn't get to him before he left so he will get it when he gets back. I am glad you're understanding for the most part that I am not out of my mind for feeling the way I do, but I don't see how I'm being passive when I thought I was being as forthright with what I wanted from him before he left. It's been five days now and I haven't heard anything from him. Last time I heard anything from him was Friday and that was him telling me that he told his friend I said hi.

[AnyTakers]

Yes, I think you should call the whole thing off so he can be with someone that wouldn't call the whole thing off for something that hasn't even happened yet.

 

It's been almost a week and I STILL haven't heard anything from him. So with that being said, still think I'm being unreasonable?

[AnyTakers]

Hi AnyTakers,

 

This is something I've been thinking about as well. The main thing I see different in our situations is my SO and I have talked about our communication habits. He doesn't particularly like talking on the phone and would rather text, whereas I find that impersonal primarily because we are in a ldr. I sensitively explained this to him. I'm not one of his friends or a local girlfriend at the moment so while I'm not asking him to call me daily, I do need to be able to hear from him somewhat regularly.

 

You need to communicate this to your boyfriend in a manner that is confident rather than in a nagging and insecure way. I think holding in your feelings actually causes more issues in both spoken and unspoken ways. If he can't agree to compromise with your needs then you aren't compatible with him and I'd seriously consider finding someone who can meet your needs more closely.

 

Right. I definitely wasn't expecting him to talk to me daily while he was gone because we talk daily when he is at his place of residence, but I was hoping he'd at least find a way to email me or something while he was gone, but so far nothing. It's been almost a week (five days) and still nothing from him. I email him yesterday and still heard nothing back.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Right. I definitely wasn't expecting him to talk to me daily while he was gone because we talk daily when he is at his place of residence, but I was hoping he'd at least find a way to email me or something while he was gone, but so far nothing. It's been almost a week (five days) and still nothing from him. I email him yesterday and still heard nothing back.

 

This is what everyone means by you being passive. Saying this:

 

And I have told him before he left that if he really wanted to talk he would find a way to hit me up somehow even if it's by email...... but I don't see how I'm being passive when I thought I was being as forthright with what I wanted from him before he left.

 

Is not being forthright in telling him what you want. I'm not sure if there is something else you've said in your other posts but if you haven't clearly said "I'm uncomfortable and not okay with not having contact for a full week with my boyfriend," then everything else is passive. Clearly, he doesn't want to talk during the week he's away since he has said that to you and is actively demonstrating his wants. Now, it's your turn to say exactly what you want and then if he can't compromise to meet your needs, then you'd have to consider if you're ok with being with someone who won't respect your needs or compromise.

 

I told my SO along the lines of what I said above and he asked me what I wanted. I want him to contact me a little more often, when it's possible for him, of course, even if it's by text, email, snail mail, something! Just not silence from someone I'm supposed to be close to. I've also tried to say this to him without making him feel like he's burdened to have to talk to me every minute of everyday. That's when compromising becomes crucial. I just needed him to know that talking is how I feel closer to him. He gets that now because I've explained how I feel about it and he knows that he's open to share with me his wants so that we can compromise.

[emi]

Yes what you want is totally reasonable.

But the question is why dont you break up with him?

[justwhoiam]

I don't see how I'm being passive when I thought I was being as forthright with what I wanted from him before he left.

 

This is being passive:

we have barely talked and I have said nothing to him about it.

...

not hear from him for a whole week? ... I've been afraid to even tell him how I feel about anything

...

Even on my birthday, he made it about him, when it was MY Day, yet I forgave

...

He expects me to make time for him and not blow him off and go all this time without talking to him, but when I expect the same, I'm being clingy? Really? Just wow, back at you! He's not my FRIEND. We are in a relationship, and a long-distance one at that, which is very difficult in itself.

 

I know where you come from. We have expectations. Your reasoning is not wrong. If he wants X, won't he give me X? Because otherwise, it'd be double standards. But no, some details are just overlooked, they go unnoticed. Men are self-centered.

 

It's virtual

And here comes the root of all evils (so to speak). This guy never had the chance to be phisically with you, intimate with you, he never touched your skin, he doesn't even know how you smell, how you carry yourself. Basically he just doesn't know you to the extent any lover would know you. And even if he has feelings for you and agreed to being a couple without meeting you first, it will never feel the same as having been together for real. I always say it's a bad idea to get together, or be bf/gf, without meeting one another first, and for a good reason. From a distance, you might feel chemistry is there, but then in person chemistry might not be there at all. This thing happened and still happens to a number of people. And for the most part, men feel the 'virtuality' of the situation doesn't bind them as much as a real relationship they'd have locally.

 

So, yes, you have a right expecting things from a boyfriend, provided the relationship upgrades to a real relationship. You need to meet him, after that, if you both feel the same about each other, then you'll be able to face a LDR. Before that, it's just a virtual relationship where expecting anything is understandable but not demanded. I know you didn't voice your needs. You had a more passive attitude, as in 'let's be patient, he'll come around'.

[AnyTakers]

This is being passive:

 

 

I know where you come from. We have expectations. Your reasoning is not wrong. If he wants X, won't he give me X? Because otherwise, it'd be double standards. But no, some details are just overlooked, they go unnoticed. Men are self-centered.

 

And here comes the root of all evils (so to speak). This guy never had the chance to be phisically with you, intimate with you, he never touched your skin, he doesn't even know how you smell, how you carry yourself. Basically he just doesn't know you to the extent any lover would know you. And even if he has feelings for you and agreed to being a couple without meeting you first, it will never feel the same as having been together for real. I always say it's a bad idea to get together, or be bf/gf, without meeting one another first, and for a good reason. From a distance, you might feel chemistry is there, but then in person chemistry might not be there at all. This thing happened and still happens to a number of people. And for the most part, men feel the 'virtuality' of the situation doesn't bind them as much as a real relationship they'd have locally.

 

So, yes, you have a right expecting things from a boyfriend, provided the relationship upgrades to a real relationship. You need to meet him, after that, if you both feel the same about each other, then you'll be able to face a LDR. Before that, it's just a virtual relationship where expecting anything is understandable but not demanded. I know you didn't voice your needs. You had a more passive attitude, as in 'let's be patient, he'll come around'.

 

He called me today, but I was at work so he left a message. I listened to the message and he said he had a great trip and got my birthday card I mailed him, but said nothing about him not even calling me. I called him back a little later and he answered and we talked about his trip and I asked him flat out after thinking about the responses I've received from you all, if the reason why he hasn't felt the need to contact me was because we are in a virtual relationship. He said he doesn't feel we are in a virtual relationship. I told him that in a way we are because we haven't seen each other in person. He said it's true that we haven't seen each other. Since he insisted that to HIM it isn't a virtual relationship, I went ahead and told him that lately I have been feeling taken for granted and this not hearing from him at all while he was gone has made me feel like we aren't even in a relationship. I also told him that I have felt that I have been giving more of myself than he has (i.e. my time, sending pictures of myself to him, being available when he wants to talk on the phone or the computer or seeing each other on the webcam) and I have felt like I haven't gotten much of that in return and that isn't fair. He said "That's not good". I told him rather than just telling me that that isn't good, that he needs to do something about that to where we are BOTH feeling like our needs are met and not just ONE of us. Do you feel I've came on too strong or would you say this qualifies as me communicating what I want? Did I sound a bit too harsh?

[justwhoiam]

Well, I'm not surprised to hear that he denied feeling like you're a virtual lover. The dynamics between you two are a certain way because the relationship is virtual. At times, some couples still live it as virtual even after they have met, because they are not able to handle the distance for extended periods of time and still feel the closeness. Something gets lost in the distance. But obviously, it's a lose lose situation if he told you that.

 

I warned you not to demand anything before meeting. But OK, let's suppose he's genuine in what he told you and to him you feel exactly like the girlfriend next door. Then, how would it have been OK for him to leave for a week without celebrating with you? I mean, going on vacation with friends depends on the type of couple, for some it's normal, for others it's unconceivable. But regardless of that, most lovers celebrate birthdays together. If it's not possible on the exact day, it usually gets postponed. I guess you didn't beat his friends on time. Guess if you had managed to arrange something special for his birthday. He shouldn't have missed it to do something else, because you're the girlfriend, right? Well, maybe you should try that next time, but well, that means a year now.

 

However, how come you did not meet one another? And most of all, is there any plan for you to meet up? Have you talked about that? Has there been any talk at all on the subject?

 

I hope for you he's seriously willing to meet you, because unfortunately, many virtual lovers do not have any intention or will to turn the virtual relationship to a real in-person relationship. And although it apparently makes no sense, there might be many reasons for that.

[AnyTakers]

Well, I'm not surprised to hear that he denied feeling like you're a virtual lover. The dynamics between you two are a certain way because the relationship is virtual. At times, some couples still live it as virtual even after they have met, because they are not able to handle the distance for extended periods of time and still feel the closeness. Something gets lost in the distance. But obviously, it's a lose lose situation if he told you that.

 

I warned you not to demand anything before meeting. But OK, let's suppose he's genuine in what he told you and to him you feel exactly like the girlfriend next door. Then, how would it have been OK for him to leave for a week without celebrating with you? I mean, going on vacation with friends depends on the type of couple, for some it's normal, for others it's unconceivable. But regardless of that, most lovers celebrate birthdays together. If it's not possible on the exact day, it usually gets postponed. I guess you didn't beat his friends on time. Guess if you had managed to arrange something special for his birthday. He shouldn't have missed it to do something else, because you're the girlfriend, right? Well, maybe you should try that next time, but well, that means a year now.

 

However, how come you did not meet one another? And most of all, is there any plan for you to meet up? Have you talked about that? Has there been any talk at all on the subject?

 

I hope for you he's seriously willing to meet you, because unfortunately, many virtual lovers do not have any intention or will to turn the virtual relationship to a real in-person relationship. And although it apparently makes no sense, there might be many reasons for that.

 

We have been shooting for next spring. That should give me time to come up with the money. I followed up on the virtual relationship conversation last night with him and asked him if he doesn't think this is a virtual relationship, then what is this to him and he said a real relationship. I told him flat out that it hasn't felt like one and listed the reasons why.

[hippychick3]

Sorry to tell you that this is not a healthy relationship. Speaking from experience (I was in a virtual relationship myself years ago), there is no way you can consider each other boyfriend/girlfriend or in a "relationship" without having met. No way. All the skyping and talking and texting in the world is not a substitute for face to face, real human contact. Until you meet (and why are you the one having to save up money to meet?), you should be dating others and living your life. I know it's way easier said than done, but he is not meeting your needs and understandably you need more than this.

 

And as an aside, there is no excuse not to keep in contact with you for an entire week unless he was somewhere in the North Pole or Amazon Jungle or anywhere else there there is no phone service. I know it's hard to hear, but he blew you off most likely because he doesn't see this relationship as real as you do (despite what he says). You should BOTH be living your lives to the fullest and meeting other people right now.

[AnyTakers]

Sorry to tell you that this is not a healthy relationship. Speaking from experience (I was in a virtual relationship myself years ago), there is no way you can consider each other boyfriend/girlfriend or in a "relationship" without having met. No way. All the skyping and talking and texting in the world is not a substitute for face to face, real human contact. Until you meet (and why are you the one having to save up money to meet?), you should be dating others and living your life. I know it's way easier said than done, but he is not meeting your needs and understandably you need more than this.

 

And as an aside, there is no excuse not to keep in contact with you for an entire week unless he was somewhere in the North Pole or Amazon Jungle or anywhere else there there is no phone service. I know it's hard to hear, but he blew you off most likely because he doesn't see this relationship as real as you do (despite what he says). You should BOTH be living your lives to the fullest and meeting other people right now.

 

I have thought long and hard about your post, especially the part where you asked why should I be the one saving up the money to see him. I tried a different tactic because to be honest, after doing some thinking, I'd rather him come and see me first while I am comfortable in where I live, and I even asked him how he felt if we got a hotel room and he said aside from extra cost being a concern, he is fine with it, as long as I am comfortable.He was okay with me asking if he could come visit me first. If I came to visit him, he still would have helped financially, but regardless of that, I still feel better if he came here first. As far as him not talking to me for a week, he and his buddies went to Canada and he said it would cost 20 cents a minute to call from there (which I get) and there was really no way for him to email me since they were camping and sleeping in a tent during that whole time. I heard him out. I have been wanting this to work because we have been friends for a great number of years. Its not like we just dived into a relationship after talking to each other for a few days or weeks. We have set a time to meet, so now we just go on about life until that time comes, I suppose.

 

I have realized I have spent years overcompensating for a guy and I am tired of that. The way I see it is, if he is real about me, he will come and see ME instead of me going out my my way once again. True it was my idea to go and visit him, and he was cool with it, but I went ahead and changed that before it was too late, and he was okay with it, thankfully.

Edited October 5, 2015 by AnyTakers

[GunslingerRoland]

Wait... so he was camping for the week and you were mad that he wasn't going to be calling/emailing you?

 

I'm guessing you've never been camping before, eh?

 

In thread like this, I always recommend thinking really hard about why you are in a relationship with someone so far away from yourself. For you, I'd double down on that question, because it sounds like your expectations are really high.

[hippychick3]

I have thought long and hard about your post, especially the part where you asked why should I be the one saving up the money to see him. I tried a different tactic because to be honest, after doing some thinking, I'd rather him come and see me first while I am comfortable in where I live, and I even asked him how he felt if we got a hotel room and he said aside from extra cost being a concern, he is fine with it, as long as I am comfortable.He was okay with me asking if he could come visit me first. If I came to visit him, he still would have helped financially, but regardless of that, I still feel better if he came here first. As far as him not talking to me for a week, he and his buddies went to Canada and he said it would cost 20 cents a minute to call from there (which I get) and there was really no way for him to email me since they were camping and sleeping in a tent during that whole time. I heard him out. I have been wanting this to work because we have been friends for a great number of years. Its not like we just dived into a relationship after talking to each other for a few days or weeks. We have set a time to meet, so now we just go on about life until that time comes, I suppose.

 

I have realized I have spent years overcompensating for a guy and I am tired of that. The way I see it is, if he is real about me, he will come and see ME instead of me going out my my way once again. True it was my idea to go and visit him, and he was cool with it, but I went ahead and changed that before it was too late, and he was okay with it, thankfully.

 

I think letting him come to you first is a good idea (providing he stays in a hotel and not in your home). Let HIM show YOU that he wants to see you. Start living your life more and meeting new people until that time comes. Revolving your life around this person is not good for you. Until he comes to see you, act as if you are single and don't limit your opportunities to meet others. At this point, you don't owe him anything.

[AnyTakers]

Wait... so he was camping for the week and you were mad that he wasn't going to be calling/emailing you?

 

I'm guessing you've never been camping before, eh?

 

In thread like this, I always recommend thinking really hard about why you are in a relationship with someone so far away from yourself. For you, I'd double down on that question, because it sounds like your expectations are really high.

 

First of all, I wasn't mad. I have a right to not like that there was no communication whatsoever and to wonder if I was being unreasonable before making rash decisions (i.e. breaking up). Second of all, I've been in a long distance relationship before, but I've never dealt with a situation like this where I've gone a week without talking to them, so it was new to me and I was wondering if it's normal. Third of all, I don't need to think hard of why I am in a relationship. I know why. My expectations are not high. They are within reason. I don't ask him for much. But I don't know why I am explaining that to you anyway because you fail to understand that and all of this that I've written I've realized is also a waste because I think you've failed to understand it also.

[AnyTakers]

I think letting him come to you first is a good idea (providing he stays in a hotel and not in your home). Let HIM show YOU that he wants to see you. Start living your life more and meeting new people until that time comes. Revolving your life around this person is not good for you. Until he comes to see you, act as if you are single and don't limit your opportunities to meet others. At this point, you don't owe him anything.

 

It makes sense what you said. I am glad you gave me the advice you have given. Since he has returned, I have backed off, and a huge part of me is actually glad he went that long without talking to me because it has helped me realize that I do have a life outside of him. I have found myself not talking to him the same, but at the same time, I am still nice to him. I am just not as emotionally wrapped up in him as I once was. I have found out that he's "hoping to talk to me" or hoping to "see me online" via cam and being attentive as I have backed off quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I won't fall in that trap to allow those sweet words and all to get me all emotionally wrapped up in him again. I don't even "look forward" to talking to him, meaning I don't find myself any longer sitting by the phone waiting for him to call any more. If I'm busy I'm busy. If I'm not I'm not. No more putting my life on hold for someone else. I've missed out on too much doing that.