Question about lingering travel romance...

[violetdiamond]

Let me just preface this by saying I'm not really in a LDR with this person; I actually have no idea what we are. Hence the reason for posting in this forum for second opinions, lol.

 

I met this guy through a dating app while traveling in Europe this summer. We went on four dates and REALLY hit it off (and we did have sex). I assumed that it would be over after I left but he asked for my contact info from the USA and seemed to be really interested in keeping in touch so I gave it to him. I sad I'd love for him to visit someday, and he said he would love to come too.

 

For the next three weeks while I continued to travel throughout Europe, we messaged each other every day on whatsapp (he initiated most of the time, but I did sometimes too), he called several times, and we texted pictures/videos of what we were up to. In several conversations he said he definitely wanted to come and visit me this fall, and mentioned the end of October/November as a time when he'd be able to come.

 

When I got back to the USA, he continued to message me. It was less frequent, but I wasn't surprised (there is a six hour time difference, he works weird hours, and I no longer am using an international sim card in my phone). Sometimes we go a few days without messaging, but if I initiate he always responds and he has apologized for long gaps with seemingly legit reasons (in a place with no service, broken internet connection, etc.). We also spoke on skype once, and have sent whatsapp voice messages to each other. He consistently says things like "I like you so much", "I think of you every day", "I miss you","You're always in my head", and "I will be with you soon". We have been in contact for two and a half months now.

 

The problem is, I have steadily felt myself falling for this person. It is to the point now where I am constantly checking my phone, checking his whatsapp, and wondering if he sent me a message. It is making me crazy! We never discussed being exclusive or anything like that so I have no idea what we are or how serious I should take it. Sometimes we go a few days without messaging and I get really sad and assume that he has lost interest and that I will never hear from him again. But then when I least expect it he'll send me a message! We don't have long conversations, but he will text things like "I miss you". Also, it is getting close to October, the time when he said he wanted to come and visit, but it still seems like he hasn't bought a ticket or has any concrete plans.

 

Do you think that this guy is just leading me on or does it sound like something more serious? Should I be more proactive in sending messages, sending one every day? I just don't know why a guy would bother to keep in contact for this long if he didn't really have feelings for me/have plans to visit. Thanks for your input!

[La.Primavera]

Message him whenever you feel like it. You haven't set any rules so for now you should just go with the flow.

 

However in saying that, I think it would be wise to try and keep your feelings in check (easier said than done) but you don't want to set yourself up for heartbreak. You are not technically in a relationship and there are no concrete plans for his visit yet. When/if he comes to visit will be a good time to talk about taking things to the next level or deciding what you want to do.

 

For now enjoy the attention and getting to know each other. If it is meant to be you will find a way to make it work, but if it doesn't you will still have some special memories from your travels.

 

I hope it works out.

[justanickname]

Hi VioletDiamond,

 

Wow, your story is somewhat like mine! But you have somethings more serious from the guy than I do. And it is even better when you two both think of seeing each other with quite a clear time, although it is, as you wrote, not very concrete.

 

So, if I were you, I will let thing go as it should go. You of course can initiate first for few times, but I think it should not come every day immediately. May be for couple of days as trial first to see how he is into the convo. If he is, great, do it for a week, and then let him start! If not? Leave it aside until he initiates.

 

And maybe, somewhere in the chit chat, ask him more about his visit plan.

 

I really wish you luck, I can say I have a great sympathy for this situation!

[violetdiamond]

Thank you both so much for your advice! La.Primavera, I totally agree that I need to try and keep my feelings in check (although it is really hard!!). I really don't want to get hurt in this situation, and I need to try and just take it easy and not get too wrapped up in it.

 

Justanickname, I took your advice and tried to initiate messaging a little bit more frequently; so far, it is had been working out well. Good luck to you too in your situation as well, it can be so tough when you have feelings for someone who lives far away !!

[justanickname]

Good to hear, violetdiamond. I hope I will hear another positive update in later time (take it slow, no need to rush with this kind of "relationship").

 

However, I wonder, what do you think if this turns out as a long-distance friendship, will you still keep it? (this question is actually for my reference...).

[craw]

omgggg girrrrrrrrrrrl you are so lucky! At least he is still messaging you!

[justwhoiam]

Do you think that this guy is just leading me on

Nothing points at that.

 

or does it sound like something more serious?

Nothing is pointing at that either.

 

Should I be more proactive in sending messages, sending one every day?

I read that you did do that, but it shouldn't affect his feelings at this point.

 

I just don't know why a guy would bother to keep in contact for this long if he didn't really have feelings for me/have plans to visit.

Why not?

 

Can you tell us where this guy is from? What country? And did you meet him in his country or while he was abroad? And was he alone or with friends?

 

All that might help us see the bigger picture.

[violetdiamond]

Thanks for your input justwhoiam. As you can tell, I definitely am very confused at this point lol. And Craw, I agree that I'm lucky that he is still messaging me, I just wish I could enjoy the situation more and not be so worried about about where it is going!

 

To answer your questions justwhoiam, he is Sicilian and I met him in Sicily. I met him near the city where he lives; not while he was on vacation or anything. I didn't meet him with friends, when we went out it was always just to two of us. I speak Italian (pretty well, but not perfectly lol) and he speaks English (probably about the same as my Italian), so when we communicate we use both languages. I'd love to hear more of your opinion given this additional info!

[violetdiamond]

Good to hear, violetdiamond. I hope I will hear another positive update in later time (take it slow, no need to rush with this kind of "relationship").

 

However, I wonder, what do you think if this turns out as a long-distance friendship, will you still keep it? (this question is actually for my reference...).

 

Thanks Justanickname! To answer your question, I'm not sure if I would keep it up it is turns into a long-distance friendship since we started out being romantically involved rather than friends. Since I've developed some feelings for this person I can imagine that if we decided to "just be friends" and still keep in touch I would still think of him romantically and my feelings would be constantly hurt. Hope that helps!

[violetdiamond]

Also he is 39 and I'm 31. Thought I should add that in there as well, to better explain the bigger picture of the situation.

[craw]

Omg he's italian - sexy.

[justwhoiam]

Thanks for your input justwhoiam.

You're welcome.

 

As you can tell, I definitely am very confused at this point lol.

We can all be, when it comes to men...

 

To answer your questions justwhoiam, he is Sicilian and I met him in Sicily. I met him near the city where he lives; not while he was on vacation or anything. I didn't meet him with friends, when we went out it was always just to two of us. I speak Italian (pretty well, but not perfectly lol) and he speaks English (probably about the same as my Italian), so when we communicate we use both languages. I'd love to hear more of your opinion given this additional info!

Ok... well, this just makes me ask more questions...

 

First of all, him being 39, he must have his share/past of relationships. What went wrong? You know anything about his past relationships? Is he single or? Are you free to call him at home at any time of day or night?

 

As it was always just the two of you, did he ever mention anything about you meeting his family? Did you ask to meet his family? I mean, I know it's quite early, but it's just the talk that matters and how comfortable he is with that. You know, it's like talking about babies, when you're not even close to looking for a baby.. (if it makes sense). It's just that you'll know if he likes children.

 

Depending on his family situation right now, conditions could be very favorable for you and this relationship. Sicilians are usually very open people, and generally speaking, guys are very passionate. As Sicily might not have many opportunities, especially for some careers, people are often willing to relocate, even abroad, if that means having a better life. That doesn't mean they will forget their homeland, they actually like returning now and then, keeping in touch with family, etc.

As they have access to the sea in almost no time whatever town they live in, they'd suffer in a place with no sun and no beaches. I'm not sure where you live in the US. Or he may be a white fly hating all of that. Ha!

 

Regarding your question: why would he keep in touch? America is still fascinating for most Italians, no matter how harshly they criticize the country, right, left and center. Obviously he needs to be attracted to you first. Then comes the exotic feeling of being with an American girl.

 

I can't tell how serious he is, especially not knowing his current sitution and how much you know about him right now. Some guys can be real flirts and maybe just taking a chance with an easy girl, or what is perceived to be an easy girl by a Sicilian's guy standards. But I guess he's a bit too old for that. That would more easily happen with a guy in his 20s. This guy is 39, so I expect him to be after something more stable than running after girls.

 

So, this is what I think for now.

[violetdiamond]

Wow thanks justwhoiam! I really appreciate your feedback, it is good to hear some second opinions about this confusing situation, lol.

 

Regarding your follow-up questions, I didn't ask to meet his family or anything (I was only in Sicily for a week), but he did talk about them a lot and showed me pics of his nieces and stuff like that (he is a very proud uncle, it is so cute!) He also asked me a lot about my family.

 

We were both very upfront about past relationships. I told him about mine (I'm divorced) and he told me about his last long term relationship as well. He is definitely single right now; we don't really call that much because of the 6 hour time difference, we mostly message.

 

I appreciate your insight!

[justwhoiam]

he did talk about them a lot and showed me pics of his nieces and stuff like that (he is a very proud uncle, it is so cute!) He also asked me a lot about my family.

That's positive.

 

We were both very upfront about past relationships. I told him about mine (I'm divorced) and he told me about his last long term relationship as well. He is definitely single right now

You can't just go with what he told you. You want to be sure that all of that is true, right?

 

we don't really call that much because of the 6 hour time difference, we mostly message.

Sorry, but if you want to go on with him, you really need to get used to doing crazy things, like hopping on a plane to see him, or he will have to... My man lives on the East Coast, so we're 6 hours apart most of the time, but we do talk on Skype. You need to see if you can call him any time, or if that's a no no. Especially at night. You don't want any bad surprise, do you? So make sure he's really free. Sicilian can have dinner at 9 or 10 pm, so it shouldn't be a problem to call at 5 pm (11 pm for him). You figure it out with him. Or you can even call him when it's midnight for you and 6 am for him. That wouldn't establish a pattern, but you'd make just sure he's not sleeping with anyone.

 

Also, there are differences between say people from Palermo and people from Catania or Messina.

[justanickname]

Violetdiamond,

 

So we are at same age, lol.

I believe that South European men are very open about families. I have few online male friends from Spain and Greece, they talk about their families to me pretty much with some pictures too, lol. So yeah I think it is good to know your guy talked about his, but don't take it as something very special.

I think what justwhoiam said about his relationship is deserved to concern. Skype and talk as well. I have recently been aware of the importance of that. So, even with 6 hrs difference, I think you two can try sometimes.

Fyi, my crush and I we are also about 6-7 hrs differences, but we tried to talk at least once-twice a month via skype, and we have never said any words of romantic stuffs... your case should be more serious, so should have even more talk. Think about it, really.

 

 

Last, thanks for the answer for my question... I can see the differences of our stories, at least you started already with romantics, while mine is as travel mate only.

 

Update sometimes!

Edited October 2, 2015 by justanickname

[violetdiamond]

Thanks so much justanickname and justwhoiam! I took the advice you both gave and we have both talked on the phone and skyped since the last time I posted---I agree that talking is really important, and not just sending messages! And both times we talked were pretty late at night for him (11 PM and 2 AM, he was on his way home from work) so all seems ok in terms of him being alone at night...

 

Any ideas about cute text messages to send in between? I am a hopeless texter, and I am horrible at sending cute "thinking of you" messages. What do you guys think? Is it annoying for me to send a message like "miss you" or "thinking of you"? And how about sending pics? I wanted to send a pic of me smiling and say something like "thinking of you makes me smile :)" because he always says he likes when I smile, but I don't want to come off as too needy/crazy. It's so hard, where I live, women who initiate texting too much/send cute text messages/send too many pics come across as desperate and needy. I don't want to come across like that...

[justanickname]

Good to know you are doing well in your "relationship".

 

I think it should base on what are your interests. Best if you have common interests, maybe some nice songs, quotes, etc; then when you see it, you can share it with him, with a cute message, maybe?

Regards to self-pics, if you want to do, then do it. But do not make it often. I think once or twice per month is enough.

 

Keep doing well!

[Gosh]

Hello!

Are stories are so alike! Im glad yours is moving smoothly! I dont wanna hijack your thread, will make a new one probably, just wanted to pop in and say hi!

 

I really really know how you feel!

[violetdiamond]

Thanks for your comment Gosh! It is reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who is in this type of situation. I'd be interested to hear your story as well, maybe we can bounce ideas off each other about how to proceed with our lingering travel romances! lol

[violetdiamond]

So an update (and more questions haha). Since the middle of October, we have been skyping 3-4 times per week. He always initiates, because I have the skype app and I'm always online and he only goes on skype on his computer when he talks to me. It's amazing being able to talk on skype, and we have definitely gotten to know each other even better through our conversations. We talk for about 2 hours each time, and it is really late for him where he is (like 3 or 4 in the morning). Our conversations are always positive and we seem more connected than ever when we talk...

 

My questions, though, are the following: is it strange that we still haven't "defined the relationship"? It seems like he talks to me like a boyfriend would, but it never has officially been said if we are exclusive or not. Also, sometimes I'll message him on facebook and he'll read it and not respond, but then respond later on skype. Is this weird? Also, he had said in the summer he wanted to try and visit in the fall. In our conversations he has acknowledged that this obviously didn't happen, and said he wants to try and come in the spring when I have a vacation from work. It seems like he might be leading me on in terms of saying he is going to visit...but again, why would he bother to keep in contact for this long if he weren't interested, right?

 

And I again am finding myself in the trap of "is he going to skype me today?", just like I was with the whatsapp messages, lol, and it is frustrating to feel like I am not in control of it (since he only comes online to skype me and isn't online otherwise). Sometimes we won't skype for four or five days and I start to feel insecure again...

 

I guess my main questions is how serious should I take this "relationship? Any thoughts/answers/opinions would be appreciated

[Gosh]

Hey!! Im so happy for you!! Skyping that often is really good! Specially if he stays up so late to do so. In general i see really good signs. I too do not see why he would keep on contacting you with nothing else "shallow" to gain. I mean, and im so sorry for this, but you dont like send him naked pictures or anything right? So he does seem really interested.

 

About defining the relationship. Do you know what you want to be with him? if you knew he would agree on any definition, how would you define it? With my case, i dont want to define it at this point. Yeah, we talk, yeah ive got to know him better, but we are still LD. We still have only like 15 days more or less under our belt of physical connection. I dont want to commit before im 100% sure for him. From skype we both show our best sides. For me now, he seems PERFECT. I really am wondering what his bad side is, casue he does have one, as do i, but we will never find them out from LD and if we dont meet or plan on meeting, then there is no reason for any defining.

 

Relax and enjoy this phase. Its the best phase in any relationship and in LD ones tend to be more intense. Even the anxiety of waiting for texts and skype. SO good.

About the FB texts, if he replies on skype, i wouldnt worry. People have different reactions to texting. Most likely he isnt a texty type. Have you noticed him talking more when you guys are on skype than he does on texts? there ya go.

 

Serious? You can only answer that if you guys start meeting. So id give you the same answer as the defining one. Plan to meet and you will see. Up till then, continue with your life. Date even. For me, now, i dont want to date anyone else, but i am flirting, keeping my options and mostly my mind open.

 

Keep us updated !!

Cheers!!

[anna121]

Unfortunately, I think if he hasn't shown any interest in defining the relationship it doesn't look too good. I would try to meet as soon as possible, but until then I'd be careful about tying yourself down. 4 in-person dates just aren't enough of a foundation to base a relationship, and you are very far apart from each other and will face real challenges unless one of you is willing to move.

 

I'm sorry I can't be more encouraging.

[violetdiamond]

Thanks for your responses Gosh and Anna121! To your question Gosh, no I don't send/never have sent any naked pics so I don't need to worry about that being the only reason for our connection (Thank God! lol). And I agree that it is more important to look at the quality of our skype conversations (which are always amazing), rather than texting. I just need to chill out sometimes...

 

So literally a few days after I posted on here, during one of our talks, my LDR guy said that he considers me to be his girlfriend, and hopes that I look at him as my boyfriend too...so I guess that they relationship is now defined and I'm super happy!! I definitely do want to be with him and I am not really interested in dating anyone else seriously due to my feelings for him, so I am happy to know that we seem to be on the same page.

 

I am still trying to be cautious, though. There are no concrete plans about meeting in the future (although he mentioned the spring as a possibility of coming to visit me). I agree Gosh, that I just need to relax and try and enjoy our time together (I tend to be a worrier/overanalyzer by nature, unfortunately, lol). I don't want my heart to be broken, an I am trying to be cautiously optimistic as this point.

 

Hope all is going well with your LDR crush too Gosh!

[whenwillthisbeover]

This all sounds so exciting violetdiamond! How are things now?

[Gosh]

AHH YEAH!!!!

 

This is terrific news!!! Im so happy for you!!

You seem to be handling it well, happy and still a bit cautious. Hearts are broken only if you let your imagination go and fall in love with another person, not the one that is in front of you, but one that you create in your head. As long as you stick to reality and take only what he gives you, i never see a way that your heart can be broken. Be sad for a bit, sure, but broken? Nah.

 

I too have phases of insecuirities, but im sure they will pass once we meet and im sure that will happen for you too. By he way, mine's probably coming to visit for christmas! im SO excited!!

 

Hang in there and keep us posted! Im SO happy for you!!!!!