My boyfriend and his family

[sillyjay]

Me and my bf have been dating for about a year but we have known eachother for about 5 years. He is in the army and I honestly feel hes the one. We are even talking about marrriage and looking at wedding rings.But his family and the way he is so close with his family is making me have second thoughts.

 

My bf and I have been through alot but we have been willing to pull through every obsticle. We really love eachother. But whats bothering me is that he is SO overprotective of his family I litterally can't say anything about them even if I am upset about something they did. Hel always have their back I mean I know I sound stupid but hes really overboard on it where he will stick up for them when it comes to me welll thats how I feel at least. Anyway So his family all knows spanish and no english And I am the opposite i know english and no spanish.

 

So i already know they dont like me. last december when he was on leavehis mom called mebossy and that honestly hurt cause she disnt even know me good enough to call me bossy and back in december I wasnt bossy at all but now I sorta am. i just thought she had no right judging me like that. His family is way different from mine they are real touchy and lovey. I mean my family is to but they go over board expecially my bf includig the fact that he has all sisters and one little niece whos 3 I know it sounds stupid but I feel jealous I know I shouldnt but he just always wants to be with them and I wanna be with him.

 

I just want him to want me as much as I want him. There is also this girl who is. a friend of his families and himself and she knows spanish and they always invite her to family vacations. And I feel so uncomfortable. he sees nothing wrong with this of course because its his family.

 

I think im just getting overly sensitive because iim more attached to him then he is to me I only get to see him like 2 times a year so thats why he only gets to visit twice a year for about 30 days. Shouldnt he be excited to see me to tho he says he is but he is way to attatched to his family and I think this is going to ruin our relatonship he says he feels bad that they never had money or anything so he joined the army to help them out.

 

I mean I understand that family first and all but that was before me and him started dating now he has me and we are talking about getting engaged he is purchasing the ring right now but he seems like he wants to marry his family instead hes always wanting to see them play with his niece whos 3 and his sister whos 12 and ugh I know I sound pathetic but hey I have the right to feel the way I feel right? his family has given me many more reasons to not like them. anyway the main idea is what can I do to make him want to be with me more.

 

I want him to love me just as much if even more. How do I handle this if we get married. I wanna be the only woman in his life why cant he realize that. No rude comments please

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

When you get married, your spouse becomes your family & each person's family of origin is supposed to take a back seat to the new union. But don't think that you aren't marrying into the family.

 

Instead of being upset, work to improve your relationship with your future ILs. Get to know them. Perhaps ask the mom to lunch. Make the effort to show her you are good for her son.

 

You will never be the only woman in his life. He will always have a mom, sisters, nieces, female friends & female colleagues. Yes you should be one of the most important but your expectation that he ignore every other woman on the planet is unrealistic.

[emi]

Why dont you learn Spanish? show them you trying to be part of the family

[Fleur de cactus]

"he says he feels bad that they never had money or anything so he joined the army to help them out"

 

You have to understand where he comes from. If I understand this type of culture, they help each other. The family is lucky to have someone who speaks english, who can go to the army to help them. That is part of their culture, that is who they are. If his family was not with him, if they were in different country, he could work and send money back home (not sure where you are now) but it is common. Maybe they even had a meeting before he went to the army. To them what you want is to change him. That is why they will not like you.

 

Do you visit your bf's family when you bf is away? Show them that you want to be part of them instead of waiting for the bf to come back from his deployment?

To be honest I did not see anything wrong he is doing. Only thing I got is that he loves he family.

[sillyjay]

"he says he feels bad that they never had money or anything so he joined the army to help them out"

 

You have to understand where he comes from. If I understand this type of culture, they help each other. The family is lucky to have someone who speaks english, who can go to the army to help them. That is part of their culture, that is who they are. If his family was not with him, if they were in different country, he could work and send money back home (not sure where you are now) but it is common. Maybe they even had a meeting before he went to the army. To them what you want is to change him. That is why they will not like you.

 

Do you visit your bf's family when you bf is away? Show them that you want to be part of them instead of waiting for the bf to come back from his deployment?

To be honest I did not see anything wrong he is doing. Only thing I got is that he loves he family.

 

 

Yeahh but he is talking about getting married starting a family we are getting engaged soon! so hes gonna have enough money to support us both? When we get married if we do anyway. which right now its not looking good at all but hed have to support us first its one of the commandments of marriage and I dont think hes gonna do that

[madjac74]

When we get married if we do anyway. which right now its not looking good at all but hed have to support us first its one of the commandments of marriage and I dont think hes gonna do that

 

commandments my butt! Marriage is 50/50! Maybe that is why they don't like you. You know his family has money troubles yet you fully expect him to support you financially.

[d0nnivain]

Yeahh but he is talking about getting married starting a family we are getting engaged soon! so hes gonna have enough money to support us both? When we get married if we do anyway. which right now its not looking good at all but hed have to support us first its one of the commandments of marriage and I dont think hes gonna do that

 

 

 

Oh boy! You can't marry this guy. Your concepts of family obligations are too different. He will never stop supporting them. You will be expected to contribute to support them. Clearly that is not something you want.

 

 

You want him to sever ties with his family & that is not going to happen. You aren't of the mindset to share him with his family forever & in the absence of your ability to do that this marriage would be doomed because it would be a constant tug of war & you have no hope of winning it.

 

 

Sorry.

[Fleur de cactus]

When you get married he will not stop supporting his family. I don't want to scare you, but when joining this family, you will respect his culture and values. You and your husband will work together to help his family in needs. Whether he has money or not , he will help with little he will have. Don't be worried to much , if you reaLly love him you will find a way to negotiate and compromise. Good luck.

[justwhoiam]

Me and my bf have been dating for about a year but we have known eachother for about 5 years. He is in the army and I honestly feel hes the one. We are even talking about marrriage and looking at wedding rings.But his family and the way he is so close with his family is making me have second thoughts.

You come from two different cultures, and two different countries. Am I right? Are you in the US? Is he from South America?

 

My bf and I have been through alot

Like what? Problems in the couple or external ones? Can you make examples?

 

whats bothering me is that he is SO overprotective of his family I litterally can't say anything about them even if I am upset about something they did.

Big red flag: if he's not siding with you in the honeymoon stage, just expect it to get worse. It's not normal.

 

his family all knows spanish and no english And I am the opposite i know english and no spanish.

Time to learn some Spanish. Think about it. He speaks your language, but it's not his native language. Right? So you should feel like learning some of his language, at least the basics.

 

i already know they dont like me.

You didn't tell us why though. I guess they see you like the one who will take him away from them.

 

last december when he was on leavehis mom called mebossy and that honestly hurt cause she disnt even know me good enough to call me bossy

1) Do you live in different countries? I mean you and his family?

2) When he's on leave and with you for a month, where is he staying?

3) Where is he for the rest of the year?

4) What do you do for a living?

 

Before talking about rings, wedding, marriage, you need to be independent, have some money or have a job. You need to know enough about his culture and his family. Then, if everything looks fine between you two and you have the same goals in life, only then you think about a family together. You need to see first if you can accept him for who he is, and not for the sides you've got to know about him so far.

 

There is also this girl who is. a friend of his families and himself and she knows spanish and they always invite her to family vacations. And I feel so uncomfortable. he sees nothing wrong with this of course because its his family.

Why are you uncomfortable? Is he there during this family vacations? And not with you? Then it doesn't feel right, because you're not invited. Also, I don't like fixed things, like obligation to spend a specific time of the year with family, unless it's Christmas. And well, you'll have to decide what you're gonna do in those cases, or you'll end up arguing about that.

[sillyjay]

You come from two different cultures, and two different countries. Am I right? Are you in the US? Is he from South America?

 

Like what? Problems in the couple or external ones? Can you make examples?

 

Big red flag: if he's not siding with you in the honeymoon stage, just expect it to get worse. It's not normal.

 

Time to learn some Spanish. Think about it. He speaks your language, but it's not his native language. Right? So you should feel like learning some of his language, at least the basics.

 

You didn't tell us why though. I guess they see you like the one who will take him away from them.

 

 

1) Do you live in different countries? I mean you and his family?

2) When he's on leave and with you for a month, where is he staying?

3) Where is he for the rest of the year?

4) What do you do for a living?

 

Before talking about rings, wedding, marriage, you need to be independent, have some money or have a job. You need to know enough about his culture and his family. Then, if everything looks fine between you two and you have the same goals in life, only then you think about a family together. You need to see first if you can accept him for who he is, and not for the sides you've got to know about him so far.

 

 

Why are you uncomfortable? Is he there during this family vacations? And not with you? Then it doesn't feel right, because you're not invited. Also, I don't like fixed things, like obligation to spend a specific time of the year with family, unless it's Christmas. And well, you'll have to decide what you're gonna do in those cases, or you'll end up arguing about that.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for taking time to see every obstacle in what I wrote and everything it means alot I was trying to edit this post but it wouldnt let me I wasnt finishes writing it so no one sees my side. and It makes me loook selfish and needy when its not that at all No we both live in U.S And we are both from california and the problems we have been having is dealing with the distance cause we are long distance since he is in the aemy but im willing to wakt for him! cause I love him but sometimes he just doesnt seem to understand me. hel never understand my side its always just his way or the high way and I feel that he should somewhat make me a prrority we usually fight because hes lied to me acouple of times about certain things And basically we do not have a good understanding in our relarionship but we are trying to work on that. But the thing thats really gettinf inbetween us is his family im being serious he is WAY too attatched to them and I see why now but he kinda has to pull back a little when we start our own family we are his priority and I feel he doesnt have the same morrals as me I was brought up different I guess Cause I know that when someone gets married they leave there family to join together as one! its written everywhere. I have never done anhthing to his family I took his lil sister shopping and his mom didnt even tell me thank you. I wanted to take her out cos I wanted to spend time with her and make her smile cause I knew my bf would love for us to hangout as well. They are judgmental and dont like me because I dont know spanish of corse they wont admit it but whatever I guess. I do know a bit of spanish I know how to comminicate with them but Im not fluent so I think they judge me off that. which they have no right to judge me at all im honestly really good with them! never gave them a reason not to like me and honestly not idc if they like me or not anymore. Iv tired and there not doing their part! I try to talk to them and all they do is just look at me dirty. and it hurts cause I feel my bf will not stick up for me when they talk bad about me and i know they do. they might see me as trying to take him away but its not like that I just love him so much and all I want to do is be with him. cause I never get to see him only what 2 times a year and where is usually? with his family Im sorry but all the other people above dont know how im feeling rn inside Or how many times iv been hurt before him I just want it to be right this time honestly I feel we wont be able to have our own life with his family. There ruining our relationship and I guess im letting them. and heres the answers to your questions

 

1. Me and his family live very close maybe 14 min away the most

2. he usually stays with them cause my parents are strict :/ and even if he could stay The whole time at my house he even said he wouldnt cause its awkward and he wants to be with is family. this argument we just had yesterday btw

3. he is stationed in another state Im in cali and hes like 2 states over.

4. I work 2 jobs and am working on getting another Im really independent and do mostly things for myself now. Im 19 hes 21 so Im proud of myself tbh

 

the girl is usually there at every family events and I feel that she likes him i have that gut feeling of course no one believes me but idc honestly cause I know what I feel and I feel his parents like her better for him just cause she knows spanish and all nd then blahhh theres me. iv never gave my bf family a reason to not like me tho so i know they are being judgmental! and thats not right i try to explain to my bf how i feel he said he understands but hel try to persue me thinking their way when i wasnt brought up the way they are. It seems like there family is very dependent they rely on other people for help and my family isnt like that yes we have money problems just as well but I get my stuff together and get jobs go to school and try to make it better. My mom always tought me to never depend on anybody not even family members cause I can stand strong alone. pretty much me and his family have wayyyy different morals and aspects on life.

[sillyjay]

commandments my butt! Marriage is 50/50! Maybe that is why they don't like you. You know his family has money troubles yet you fully expect him to support you financially.

 

I can support myself honestly I have family problems too but My parents dont make me pay for the mistakes they made to become unwealthy!Im working my butt off to try to make ends meet and they are just relying on him thats not right they are going to ruin our lives and if me and him are going to get married and all his money is going to his family. hows he going to support us and our future kids?

[sillyjay]

Why dont you learn Spanish? show them you trying to be part of the family

 

 

I try and I know enough to talk to them in spanish but sometimes I get stuck on words but they see me trying and still I dont feel excepted

[d0nnivain]

Ithey are just relying on him thats not right they are going to ruin our lives and if me and him are going to get married and all his money is going to his family. hows he going to support us and our future kids?

 

 

Theirs is a more collaborative culture then you are used to. Multiple generations live together or very close (like next door) and everybody pitches in. Your ILs would care for your kids all day while you work. Everybody would cook. It's not an insular system like most westerners have.

 

 

At 19 the last thing you need to be worried about is getting married. Get your financial feet under you. explore some of the world around you. At least wait until you are old enough to have a drink at your own wedding.

[justwhoiam]

You need to be flexible, and he needs to side with you and stand up for you. I wouldn't settle for less.

 

Ask him what the deal is with him before talking about marriage. If any vacation he gets, he'll want to be with his family or with you, or if you'll have to fight with him to get some time alone with him. If he marries you, will he still be giving money to his parents, or will that stop? Will he make decisions on his own or with you? You need to know right away if you're like a nice accessory, or 50% of his new family. Some children don't understand the step that their parents took, when they formed their new family, obviously leaving the old one behind and taking up their new role. Decisions need to be made, even difficult ones, and one of the two families gets priority. Culture, common sense, personal values and love will determine which of the two gets priority. You need to be able to count on him and trust him. If that's not possible, I suggest you part ways, no matter how in love you feel you are.

[brokensoul88]

Me and my bf have been dating for about a year but we have known eachother for about 5 years. He is in the army and I honestly feel hes the one. We are even talking about marrriage and looking at wedding rings.But his family and the way he is so close with his family is making me have second thoughts.

 

My bf and I have been through alot but we have been willing to pull through every obsticle. We really love eachother. But whats bothering me is that he is SO overprotective of his family I litterally can't say anything about them even if I am upset about something they did. Hel always have their back I mean I know I sound stupid but hes really overboard on it where he will stick up for them when it comes to me welll thats how I feel at least. Anyway So his family all knows spanish and no english And I am the opposite i know english and no spanish.

 

So i already know they dont like me. last december when he was on leavehis mom called mebossy and that honestly hurt cause she disnt even know me good enough to call me bossy and back in december I wasnt bossy at all but now I sorta am. i just thought she had no right judging me like that. His family is way different from mine they are real touchy and lovey. I mean my family is to but they go over board expecially my bf includig the fact that he has all sisters and one little niece whos 3 I know it sounds stupid but I feel jealous I know I shouldnt but he just always wants to be with them and I wanna be with him.

 

I just want him to want me as much as I want him. There is also this girl who is. a friend of his families and himself and she knows spanish and they always invite her to family vacations. And I feel so uncomfortable. he sees nothing wrong with this of course because its his family.

 

I think im just getting overly sensitive because iim more attached to him then he is to me I only get to see him like 2 times a year so thats why he only gets to visit twice a year for about 30 days. Shouldnt he be excited to see me to tho he says he is but he is way to attatched to his family and I think this is going to ruin our relatonship he says he feels bad that they never had money or anything so he joined the army to help them out.

 

I mean I understand that family first and all but that was before me and him started dating now he has me and we are talking about getting engaged he is purchasing the ring right now but he seems like he wants to marry his family instead hes always wanting to see them play with his niece whos 3 and his sister whos 12 and ugh I know I sound pathetic but hey I have the right to feel the way I feel right? his family has given me many more reasons to not like them. anyway the main idea is what can I do to make him want to be with me more.

 

I want him to love me just as much if even more. How do I handle this if we get married. I wanna be the only woman in his life why cant he realize that. No rude comments please

 

Ok. It may be his culture and it may be the way it works in his family, but if you already dont like his family, you will never like it. And he will never change. Trust me on this. I am in the same situation, but its already too late for me to do anything about it. They will always come first and you will always fell angry and things will get worse. Just believe me. Dont do it. and whats even worse, he is away all year, comes home twice for 30 days. Thats not the man and the marriage you want to have. Dont ruin your life. Trust me.