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BF trusts me, but gets made at me when I get hit on.


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Hi all, just joined the site in hopes to relieve some anxiety.

 

Been in an LDR w my boyfriend for over 2 years now. He's studying back home & I'm studying in another country. Really looking forward to what this semester has in store for the both of us - we're both growing really well as individuals I think. Also I know that we can totally make it through another few months apart because we've been doing this for a while now. So I'm not worried about how long we'll last as a couple, etc etc.

 

But... There's this one problem I can't seem to shake. Backstory: we're from a fairly conservative country. Although we like thinking we're much more liberal than what our parents & schools raised us to be, we've definitely kept some of the values we deem important. However, where I study, these values don't seem to be as commonplace. I DO believe the people I am surrounded with when I'm abroad mean well, but to be honest, the image that the media projects of this country I'm studying in is not the best. So, whenever I go out, my boyfriend gets anxious. He says he trusts me, but he doesn't trust the people in this country (bec hookup culture is common, flirting is common, etc). So whenever I'm at a bar and some guy tries to strike up a conversation, I'll tell him about it, but he'll get so mad. I NEVER instigate any of these things w other people, but I always get the short end of the stick. Whenever I plan on going out at night w my friends, I'm always scared that I won't get to message him on time or I won't get to tell him where I am and stuff, and at the end of a good night out he'll be angry. We've talked about this SO many times before and he KNOWS that I get the short end of the stick but nothing changes at all.

 

He says he can't control these "monsters" and he hates that they always take over his mind whenever I go out. He's really been trying to do things differently but I still don't understand why I have to be the one that gets hurt even though I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.

 

Sorry, that was long. But I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to even go out to school events and stuff by myself because I'm afraid he'll think I'm with someone else. :( All I think about is that I wish he were there with me enjoying all these new experiences. Have you guys experienced anything similar? What did you do? Any piece of advice to offer? :(

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It sounds like he genuinely can't control what goes through his head. That being said, it's not fair for you to be blamed, or to be made to feel guilty for having a social life.

 

I've never experienced quite to your extent (no long distance part) but I had an ex who was similar in regards to getting really aggravated and jealous if i was out and told her that girls had approached me. Nothing ever happened but it got to the point where i just wouldn't tell her in an attempt to save her feelings.

 

Im not suggesting lying to him per say, but it seems like you spoke with him about it so many times. Ignorance is bliss, perhaps he just needs to stop asking about those types of things or insisiting you "message him on time" as that is never healthy.

 

My most recent partner liked going on many nights out, I was more than happy to stay out of contact and let her enjoy the night, but requested a text at the end of the night to let me know she was home safe.

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ExpatInItaly

I dated a guy like him. He would become irate if I didn't check in "on time" and if he discovered any other guy approached me, I would get a tongue lashing. On every occasion, I had done nothing wrong and I always felt tense and upset.

 

I told him to knock it off or I would walk away.

 

He didn't knock it off. I walked away.

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Every time you text him or check in with him, you are giving him a payoff for his behavior.

 

Instead, say "I am going out. I will talk to you in the morning." and let him sweat it out.

 

The next morning, call him and be VERY happy to talk to him. Be kind and loving. Give him the payoff for WAITING and being trusting.

 

There's no need to tell him about every loser that hits on you either. You know you aren't doing anything, so don't feed him info that is just going to worry him for no reason.

 

This is a perfect example of "You teach people how to treat you."

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Why are you checking in with him? He's not your parent? Stop creating that dynamic.

 

I don't feel an urge to tell my boyfriend when some guy hits on me. It's not relevant to anything. It was unsolicited and I had zero interest. It's a fleeting experience that has no bearing on my life. Is it an omission or deception? No! He's well aware that guys hit on me and/or attempt to flirt with me. I don't need to tell him that. I don't need to rub every encounter in his face just to prove I'm attractive.

 

If I'm not with him, what we're doing might come up in general terms. But a blow-by-blow? Neither of us really cares about the nitty-gritty minor details. No thank you.

 

Your guy sounds insecure. But it's largely because you're feeding that insecurity and making it worse. That's not conducive to a healthy and sustainable relationship, unless something changes.

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I would add that you need to explain to him that you tell him about this because you want him to know that you have nothing to hide but you don't appreciate him getting angry. Point blank explain that if can't say simply "thanks for letting me know" you will stop telling him. Especially because he can't do anything.

 

Shortly after I got married & started participating on boards like these, I wondered if I had been doing something wrong all these years because when I was in a relationship & then married, if a guy hit on me, I'd be flattered, flirt back a little but make it perfectly clear that I was unavailable & not looking to cheat. Boards like these told me I was acting inappropriately & was disrespecting my marital vows. I was so upset to "learn" that. So next time some guy flirted with me, I went home & told my husband. He looked at me like I had rocks in my head. After a few moments he asked if I needed him to go "talk" to the guy or beat him up. Of course that isn't what I wanted. I explained about these boards. He laughed & said that he knows I'm a big flirt but that I'm very clear & trustworthy. In the future he only wanted to hear about it, if I couldn't handle the guy & needed protection. If I need protection I'm more likely to call a cop then my husband.

 

LDRs are about trust & communication. If Your BF wants to keep you in a guided cage & get angry when you have the audacity to go out, get a new BF or move back to your country so he can keep you under his thumb because that seems to be what he wants

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the image that the media projects of this country I'm studying in is not the best.
How is it negative? Can you explain? And are you supporting the media perspective by openly agreeing with it?

 

he doesn't trust the people in this country (bec hookup culture is common, flirting is common, etc)
What does "bec hookup" mean? What is this country? Can you tell?

 

So whenever I'm at a bar and some guy tries to strike up a conversation, I'll tell him about it
Why? Do you also tell him how many times you go to the bathroom? It sounds petty to me.

 

I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.
Maybe you are doing something wrong. Have you ever thought of that?

 

I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say, as I don't know the country/place you're at, and if it even has any weigh in the matter.

 

I'm afraid to even go out to school events and stuff by myself because I'm afraid he'll think I'm with someone else
I understand being bothered by excessive jealousy, nevertheless, I'm not able to tell if he's being excessively jealous.

 

Do you think your country is better than the one you're currently studying in?

 

Have you guys experienced anything similar?
I know that too jealous is bad, but even lack of jealousy can be bad, so a healthy dose of jealousy is good for me.
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ImmortalDracula

This is more complex than it would appear on info available.

 

1. Why tell him at all does he really need to know

2. why do you go to bars

3. Does he tell you of the hideous monstrosities that hit on him, or do only the most beautiful women, adorned in boots and corset and Newtonian defying attributes, hit him up

 

Here is where it gets a tad complex, and I never go to bars

1 . person goes to a bar, naked pillow fight club, etc, and then a man or women will hit on a she/he. It is allowed. Because they do so it makes none, well surely not all, of them monsters of the horny variety. So i would be worried about his terminology.

 

Solutions

1. Don’t tell him.

2. Examine the fact he does not mind, but believes only hideous monstrosities, of no value, will talk to thee and your worth – and that is where you should get rid of him, and the why.

3. Run away to the travelling circus.

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Clarence_Boddicker

Jealousy monsters are fun! I can hardly wait to date another one. The more jealous they are, the more they love you. Abusers love you even more. Are you from a country that has the stoning to death culture for wayward women that entice men to much by going out in public?

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This is more complex than it would appear on info available.

 

1. Why tell him at all does he really need to know

2. why do you go to bars

3. Does he tell you of the hideous monstrosities that hit on him, or do only the most beautiful women, adorned in boots and corset and Newtonian defying attributes, hit him up

 

Here is where it gets a tad complex, and I never go to bars

1 . person goes to a bar, naked pillow fight club, etc, and then a man or women will hit on a she/he. It is allowed. Because they do so it makes none, well surely not all, of them monsters of the horny variety. So i would be worried about his terminology.

 

Solutions

1. Don’t tell him.

2. Examine the fact he does not mind, but believes only hideous monstrosities, of no value, will talk to thee and your worth – and that is where you should get rid of him, and the why.

3. Run away to the travelling circus.

 

I have no idea what you are talking about but why does going to a bar always have to presume that it is a meat market singles club? I go to lots of bars where it is just about getting a drink and some food and hanging out with friends.

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wow this guy sounds like me. I had to move to another country.At first she used to go out with friends, uploading photos with male friends which i don't know. Then some skype call screenshots with male friends once again. The messages between us decreased , too. The fact that i was alone in another country without my friends and literally anyone, and she was all night long out with unknown beings was and is a shot through the heart. What i do now is letting her do w/e she wants. When she wants to speak ,she speaks and i am trying to find someone here.

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