I need desperate advice. I'm falling apart

[alostguy]

Hi guys, I really need some advice as soon as possible, as my emotional state is not very good right now.

 

I've been talking to this girl online for 2 years. We fell totally in love with each other and talked every single day since we met. We skyped so much and stayed up late so often. A few months ago I was diagnosed with bipolar and during the past few months I sometimes decided to skip my medication. This led to horrible fights with her and I said the worst things imaginable to her on texts. She knew it was all to do with bipolar so she always forgave me, but it happened so often that our relationship was all fights and never really good. Sometimes we would stop texting each other for a few days and I would wonder if she was ever coming back. But she would always text me after the 5th or 6th day saying she misses me and asked can we talk. It was like this for a good few months, until two weeks ago when I went into "crazy mode" again and text her a million things, calling her the worst things possible, mostly because she was ignoring me on purpose.

 

A few days later I apologized to her and she talked to me, but she told me how hurt she was this time. We went on skype and she told me that she wanted to take a break from me. I was really hurt because I knew it probably meant that she wasn't going to come back. But I agreed on the break and it lasted 5 days until I text her out of desperation. My mind just kept imagining that she was going to meet someone else and forget about me because I'm such a nasty person because of my bipolar. So I text her telling her I love her so much and to please come back. It was a big mistake because she told me to come on skype. She was so angry and yelling at me and telling me this is exactly the reason why she needed a break, because I was so needy and she felt suffocated by me. I understand her completely, I do...but it hurt so so much hearing her speak this way, telling me that she doesn't have the same feelings for me like she used to and it's due to all the sh*t that went on this past few months. She finally told me that she didn't want any contact until she came back from her vacation.

 

She doesn't go for another 4 weeks, which means we wouldn't be in contact for 6 weeks. We've never gone longer than a week without missing each other and texting each other, but this time it really seems like she's over me, like she really wants to get away from me...And it's breaking my heart because I literally can't imagine my life without her. I have nothing good going for me in my life. She WAS my life. She was the best thing I had for so long, and now I feel like it's gone and I feel so alone. I don't know how to "move on" without her. I don't know how to wake up each day and find meaning in the days ahead, knowing that she may not even come back to me after 6 weeks. If anything she is probably going to forget me by then. What do I do? How do I find happiness with myself? Because all I feel is utter pain and a tightening in my chest. I feel like I need her to breath and now I can't do anything about it because nothing I say to her will bring her back to me right now. Do you think she will miss me before the 6 weeks are up? Please help me...

[lovesick123]

You probably really hurt her feelings. My bf did the same thing. He would say the nastiest hurtful things when upset. I would forgive him, but words do hurt, ya know? I don't understand how someone can be so mean and cruel to the person that they claim to love and then be filled with remorse later. I know you suffer from bipolar disorder, but you have to get consistent help and learn ways to better channel your anger or you won't be able to maintain any healthy relationship. Depending on the things that you've said would be a determining factor of her coming back or not. I REPEAT: WORDS DO HURT!!!!

[Lois_Griffin]

I hate to say it, but your erratic behavior is EXACLTY why I'd never even consider getting involved with anyone who is bipolar. This particular brand of crazy - over and over and over - is exactly what I've seen some of my friends tolerate with their bipolar (now ex) spouses. No thanks.

 

If you haven't scared her off yet (which would be a miracle) then that day is coming REAL soon. Obviously, your biggest problem (which was ALSO the same problem my friends all had with their bipolar ex-spouses) is your inability to STAY on your medication. That's what doing you in.

 

While a computer romance may have been your 'life,' the sad truth is that this couldn't have gone on forever. This young lady has a real life to live and so do you. Surely you didn't expect your entire love life to be conducted on the computer and cell phone for the next 50 years, did you? That's just not realistic.

 

I think you need to find someone who will make sure you take your medication every single time you're supposed to so that you have a fighting chance to live a normal, happy life, NOT a fantasy life conducted on the computer.

 

Good luck to you.

[alostguy]

Ok I have so much bigger problems now.........

 

I befriended her on a fake account and she started talking to me (not knowing it was me), and she told me yesterday that she was going out with a friend and her friend wanted to set her up with this guy that was also going with them. Today she told this "fake me" that they had a great time and the guy asked for her number and she said she would definitely like to hang out with him again. I'm hurting so much. How can she do this a week after ending things with me. She is never going to text me again. She will never miss anything that we had...She will never text me to catch up. I feel like she's leaving me so far behind and not even thinking about me anymore. I can't bare the thought of her going on a real date with a guy who can touch her and do things with her......Is there ever a chance she is going to text me anymore...

[TMichaels]

Trust is an essential part of any relationship and critical in LD ones.

 

You sent up a fake account because you didn't trust her and wanted to know what she was up to. You know now -- consider your self lucky even if you don't like what you learned and you had to find out by your own means. She's not the sort of person you need in your life -- right now or for the long haul. Trust *me* on that.

 

OP, as other posters have already advised, the problem isn't between you and this girl. The problem is YOU. If you hope to be happy and have a relationship with *any* girl, you need to get your bi-polar condition under control.

 

Are you seeing a counselor? If so, you need to share what has gone on with him/her so that he/she can help you sort this all out. You also need to be vigilant about taking your medication OR finding the right medication for you. Sometimes you have to try several or experiment with dosages and/or combinations. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. But you, and no one else, has to take the first step.

 

If your counselor isn't doing right by you (or you're not seeing someone), then you need to find another to get the help you deserve. Until you do, things won't change or improve. Some girl can't fix you -- only you with the help of a qualified medical professional can help you do that.

 

Please quit torturing yourself and get the help you need.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[isolatedgothic]

After having worked in the mental health field for a short time, I cannot tell you the number of bipolar people who go on medication, start to feel better, then decide to "wean" themselves off. It seems to be something very common with this condition. Sweet lost guy, please don't do this. Please know that this is a condition that won't go away without the continued use of your medication and meeting with your counselor. It's like being insulin dependent - you need your medication and your doctor, even if you feel better. I hope that you're working with a very good counselor who will try to help you see how important that is going to be so you can have a happy life.

 

The pain of rejection and a break up after a long term relationship is so very hard to get through. I am going through it right now, too. There is a "no contact" guide in the break up section, and it will walk you through healing. I've had to use "no contact," or NC, before in another break up, and it is truly the only way you're ever going to feel better.

 

I totally understand the need for answers, such as setting up the fake account so you could satisfy your curiosity on what is really going on with her. However, I really urge you to remove it, and remove yourself totally from her life. If you want to heal, this is the way to do it. Invest time in yourself, and stop giving your precious heart away to someone who doesn't want to accept it anymore.

 

It is her loss, and it is your gain, and the gain of someone who will really appreciate you. You cannot meet someone good for you if you are hanging on to someone who is no longer available. You have a very sweet, generous, loving heart. I can tell by the careful words you've chosen to describe the girl and your feelings. Please stay true to your meds, to your counseling, and to your own personal healing. You deserve good things.