Should I give up on any hope of a relationship?

[lovesfool]

I am currently seeing a guy on and off for the past few months. We've only gone on maybe 4 or 5 dates (he has been quite ill and we were not able to meet as much as we would have liked), but we're always messaging each other and we get on really great. I very rarely fall for someone, but this guy seems great and I see a strong relationship with him. He feels the same way too.

 

The only problem is that he is going away for a year travelling. He had this planned since before he met me and always wanted to do it, so of course he should go. But I get the feeling that he has the travelling bug and I can't imagine him settling down in one city/country for a long time.

 

Should I just give up on this guy now? Is there any point in pursuing any future with him? The sane part of me says to just move on and find someone else (which I don't have much luck with), and the crazy part of me says to hold out in hope that he might come back, or even go visit him abroad (even though he will be on the other side of the world.

 

What should I do?

[d0nnivain]

I'd keep it light & fun until he leaves. Let him go with NSA. Tell him to look you up when he gets back. If you are still free & still interested fine. While he's gone, live your life.

[justwhoiam]

he has been quite ill

How ill? That sounds serious. If he's been ill for months, how can he go around the world for a year? On his own?

 

I see a strong relationship with him. He feels the same way too.

Did you say that to him first? Or he did? Who came up talking about feelings?

 

I get the feeling that he has the travelling bug and I can't imagine him settling down in one city/country for a long time.

How did you get this feeling?

 

Should I just give up on this guy now?

I'm not sure what kind of conversation you had with him. What did you say when he mentioned leaving for a year?

 

I think *HE* had to tell you what he was wishing to do regarding you. Like resuming contact when he's back next year, or keep in touch casually and then continue dating when he's back, or something more... I would have asked him "How do you see me in your life?" or something similar, so that you could understand if you wee just going out with him for company or what. By the things you wrote, it looks like nothing came from him, and it sounds more like nice casual dating. I don't even know how far you went with the dating (besides the number of dates).

 

Is there any point in pursuing any future with him?

For what you wrote, I don't see it. He didn't show enough interest. If he didn't want to lose you, know you better and not just let you go that easily, he'd do something, he'd offer some solution or let you know. But he didn't, I guess, did he? It's more you fantasizing about being with him, but he's not pursuing you. Was there casual sex between you two?

 

The sane part of me says to just move on and find someone else (which I don't have much luck with), and the crazy part of me says to hold out in hope that he might come back, or even go visit him abroad (even though he will be on the other side of the world.

Did he openly invite you? Or is it you fantasizing again? Or you bringing up the idea with him?

 

What should I do?

If I were you, I'd sweetly tell him something like:"I've loved the time spent with you. I loved our dates and all the things we shared. I enjoyed every moment with you, so I'm sorry this came to an end. Send me a postcard from abroad, if you feel like it. I wish you well."

It was his decision not to pursue you. By what comes next, you will know what you mean to him. See his reaction when he realizes he's losing you. Don't stick around just because while he's around the world having fun. Not worth it. Unless he's going to offer something worth it.

[ohnoo]

Is there any point in pursuing any future with him?

 

There's none.

 

Well, to be honest this trip is his "ME" time so I doubt he wants an exclusive relationship. Is he going to be a first time backpacker jumping from hostel to hostel? Then it's not worth pursuing simply because he will be a completely different guy when he returns. Traveling changes people. You two will be strangers. There's also a chance that this trip will make him want to be a full-fledged backpacker and you'll only get glimpses of him or none at all. Unless you want to travel with him, there's no point in pursuing this.

 

I suggest you watch the documentary A Map For Saturday to see what his life could be like and how he might possibly react when he gets home after a year of traveling.

Edited July 28, 2015 by ohnoo

[lovesfool]

How ill? That sounds serious. If he's been ill for months, how can he go around the world for a year? On his own?

 

It wasn't life threatening, but he was in hospital for a while. He is fully recovered now.

 

Did you say that to him first? Or he did? Who came up talking about feelings?

 

No, he is always the first to bring those kind of things up. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings!

 

How did you get this feeling?

 

He has told me that he loves travelling and always goes abroad at any opportunity for vacation.

 

I'm not sure what kind of conversation you had with him. What did you say when he mentioned leaving for a year?

 

I think *HE* had to tell you what he was wishing to do regarding you. Like resuming contact when he's back next year, or keep in touch casually and then continue dating when he's back, or something more... I would have asked him "How do you see me in your life?" or something similar, so that you could understand if you wee just going out with him for company or what. By the things you wrote, it looks like nothing came from him, and it sounds more like nice casual dating. I don't even know how far you went with the dating (besides the number of dates).

 

I am worried if I ask him where he sees us in a years time that it would sound very needy and scare him off that I am thinking that far ahead.

 

For what you wrote, I don't see it. He didn't show enough interest. If he didn't want to lose you, know you better and not just let you go that easily, he'd do something, he'd offer some solution or let you know. But he didn't, I guess, did he? It's more you fantasizing about being with him, but he's not pursuing you. Was there casual sex between you two?

 

I don't know what he could do to fix the situation. He was always going to go away, there's no avoiding that.

 

Did he openly invite you? Or is it you fantasizing again? Or you bringing up the idea with him?

 

He did say it a couple of times, but I don't know if he was joking or if he was serious about it so I just laughed it off.

 

If I were you, I'd sweetly tell him something like:"I've loved the time spent with you. I loved our dates and all the things we shared. I enjoyed every moment with you, so I'm sorry this came to an end. Send me a postcard from abroad, if you feel like it. I wish you well."

It was his decision not to pursue you. By what comes next, you will know what you mean to him. See his reaction when he realizes he's losing you. Don't stick around just because while he's around the world having fun. Not worth it. Unless he's going to offer something worth it.

 

Do you think I should break all contact with him then, or should I try to stay in touch to keep lines of communication open when he comes back?

 

There's none.

 

Well, to be honest this trip is his "ME" time so I doubt he wants an exclusive relationship. Is he going to be a first time backpacker jumping from hostel to hostel? Then it's not worth pursuing simply because he will be a completely different guy when he returns. Traveling changes people. You two will be strangers. There's also a chance that this trip will make him want to be a full-fledged backpacker and you'll only get glimpses of him or none at all. Unless you want to travel with him, there's no point in pursuing this.

 

I suggest you watch the documentary A Map For Saturday to see what his life could be like and how he might possibly react when he gets home after a year of traveling.

 

He has traveled quite a bit before but I think he will be staying in one location for most of the time. He has lived in a different city during the summer break when he was in university.

 

I would love to do something like he is doing and travel for a year, but to throw away my current job is a huge risk that I don't think I can take right now.

[ohnoo]

Where does he get the money to travel? Doesn't he have a permanent job like you?

 

If he wants you to wait for him, he will be vocal about it and you will know. But if you really must know, just casually ask him if you two are ok with dating other people while he's gone. It's not needy, you just need to know where you stand and it's better to know than be in a limbo. You will not scare someone who is truly in love with you. If he says you're not exclusive, then don't wait for him.

 

If he wants to be exclusive, then you can tell him your concerns, the things you said here, then you can decide if you want to pursue this based on his answers.

[Lois_Griffin]

Ugh. Don't wait for anyone whose traveling for a year. That's ridiculous. Especially when it wasn't even a serious relationship. There's no sense to that at ALL.

 

Enjoy the time you had, the memories you made, and keep in touch with your world-traveling friend.

 

If you believe for one second that he's not going to take advantage of any opportunities he has for romance with women he meets in his travels, that would be incredibly naïve.

 

Cut the cord, move on, and enjoy your life.