Really need others s on this :(

[Hayls]

I'm 21 and my LDR partner is 35. We've been in a long distance relationship for 6 months, and i won't say that it's been perfect, because i had to cancel my flight to meet him back in april due to family problems, and it really upset him, but we worked it out and it's been amazing, we skype everyday for hours, and go on cam together, exchange pictures, and we've fell madly for eachother, and we're supposed to be meeting for the first time this month. However, there's a big problem that's been affecting the relationship very badly this past month, and it's causing so much stress for me, that i've been crying almost everyday, and having panic attacks and anxiety. His ex girlfriend who apparently cheated on him and moved to germany with another man, months before we got together, is constantly calling him, sending him hearts, kisses, and saying that she misses him so much and asking if he still loves her, and saying that she is going to get a flight home to him. i want to add that she and him have 2 children together, who he is raising on his own, so that makes it even more hard. i accept the fact that they have to keep in touch so that she knows how the children are doing, but she's calling him literally every hour, because she either has "problems" or wants to send pictures of herself to him, and he ends the call we're in, sometimes without telling me, and goes straight into a call with her that lasts between 20-40 minutes. one day last week he re called me and said that he was worried that she would come back home because he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore, and would have to cut contact with me, and that left me so confused and i felt hurt by it, and i told him that she couldn't just come waltzing back into his life like that, she left him, and he moved on, and then he said "i'm not sure if she left to germany with him now, but she thinks that me and her are still together" , i'm confused because he told me that he had told her about me, and that he was happy and had moved on back in march, and she had accepted it, but it seems he has not told her. the other night she kept calling him, and demanding him to pick up, and sending crying faces, and he said that he was talking, and she asked who to, and he said "a friend" , and said that they would talk the next day, and they sent eachother a kiss, and i went into a panic attack, he tried to calm me down, and kept promising me that there's nothing going on between them, and that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, because i make him truly happy. he also says that she's making him uncomfortable, sending him hearts, kisses, and pictures of herself and saying that she's coming home, because he no longer has feelings for her, and i said to him "then you need to make it clear to her that you've moved on, and are now happy where you are" and he just nodded. he won't tell her about me and he won't tell her he's moved on, and he still drops everything he's doing with me to go in a call with her every hour. my mum personally thinks they're still together and she could be away for work, but i doubted her opinion, because he introduced me to his family via cam on skype, they all know about me, even his kids, so i don't think he'd do that if he was still with her. but i just feel something isn't right somewhere, and it's making me unhappy, i'm crying alot, fearing that he'll take her back, or that he's still with her, i honestly can't stop this negative thinking now this has happened, what are your opinions on this? and how should i handle this insecurity? (and yes, i do suffer from anxiety)

[CarrieT]

You have never met.

 

Until you actually spend time in each other's company, all bets are off.

[Hayls]

what do you mean "all bets are off" ?

[CarrieT]

It isn't a real relationship.

 

At all.

 

Period.

 

End of sentence.

[Hayls]

To be honest, i don't think you understood. i said that we've been in a long distance relationship for 6 months, and we're meeting this month, all i asked for is opinions on the problem with his ex girlfriend, not opinions on the relationship.

[CarrieT]

Have you ever met him before at all?

 

Honestly, you are 21 years old. You have half-baked brain syndrome which means you aren't going to know what you want for your life for another six or eight years. He is established with children (why are you entertaining that sort of life when you haven't lived yourself yet?)

[Hayls]

No, we met online, but what's wrong with that?

 

and way to make me feel better, saying i have some mental problem...

i may have anxiety and panic issues, but i'm not mentally retarded.

[CarrieT]

No, we met online, but what's wrong with that?

As I said before, until you meet in person you have NO IDEA if you two are actually compatible.

 

I have been there - and many here on this site have been there as well. There are basic things in getting to know someone that you can't know until you see them IN REAL LIFE.

 

Like how they smell. Bathroom habits. Sleeping habits (do they toss-and-turn or hog the covers). Pick their nose. Scratch their ass. Have a twitch that annoys or endears you. It is minute things that you can't quantify in an online relationship.

 

Also, what happens in an online relationship is that your mind is filling in all the things you WANT the person to be and so your fantasy relationship and how things are going to be with both of you once you are together are good.

 

It rarely works out that way.

 

and way to make me feel better, saying i have some mental problem...

i may have anxiety and panic issues, but i'm not mentally retarded.

I never said you were mentally retarded. I said you had half-baked brain syndrome which is actually stating - scientifically - that the frontal cortex of your brain is not finished attaching itself and it is these synapses which help a person make intelligent decisions. Did you read the article I linked to? You won't be a whole person until your late 20s. Until then, you aren't qualified to make intelligent decisions for yourself.

 

I don't mean any disrespect. I suggest you print out this thread and put it away for ten years. If you are still with this guy when you are 30 years old, I will be shocked. You are too young for the drama of a middle-aged man with children. His Ex is just an example of how you aren't ready to handle these things.

[hoping2heal]

So,

 

I will avoid commenting on the online part of the relationship. Before even addressing the part where you two have not yet met, there a zillion signs here that this isn't a good situation to involve yourself in.

 

Whether he is or is not "together" with the ex is irrelevant because he behaves as though he were and you get dropped the minute she comes running. It wouldn't matter if you'd met in person or not - THIS is a big, big problem. You are crying and having anxiety because deep down you know this is so very wrong too. You know there's something wrong with a man running to tend to his exes every need. You know there's something wrong with a man dumping off his phone calls to you to stop mid way for an "ex".

 

Now, you can certainly choose to meet up with him and involve yourself in this further and let it play out until it's an even bigger mess than it already is or you can spare yourself the even bigger hurt and just cut this guy off now because he doesn't treat you in any way you deserve to be treated.

[darkmoon]

hopefully they will have an argument some time, you can not do or say more than you have, if he is smitten with you he will show it

[moys]

It seems like he's not ready for a relationship with you because his relationship with his "ex" has not been resolved.

 

If he's dropping you to talk to her as soon as she calls, that's a huge issue. Imagine when she decides to come back? He should be devoted to you. Age may also be an issue, he might not be taking this as serious as you. From past experience, when you meet guys who claim a woman "left" them recently, be cautious, let them have time to sort things out and truly be over it. He could just be using you as distraction to get over it. And if there are already big warning signs in your long distance relationship, run... Don't invest anymore time, resources and energy than you already have (I know from past experience).

[Lois_Griffin]

I get it. It ain't rocket science.

 

But it's a whole LOT of bullcrap this rodeo clown is serving you.

 

He claims he's raising their two kids 'all on his own' because his girlfriend DESERTED them to move to Germany. What a load of manure.

 

Don't you find the timing extremely convenient that the same EXACT month you're supposed to fly off to him to meet him in person, his 'old girlfriend' is suddenly back in the picture with a vengeance and he's now he's claiming that he may have to cut off all contact with you if she magically shows up at his door?

 

Boy, if THAT isn't setting you up for his upcoming hasty exit from this 'relationship' then I don't know what IS.

 

This guy is such a freakin con artist. Listen to your mother because she's RIGHT. Either this guy's girlfriend works during your Skype time with him and he has to take her calls from work when she calls, or she really is away on business or family matters and is coming back home very soon - thus the sudden nonsense story about being afraid she's gong to 'just show up' out of the blue. What a load of crap THAT is.

 

And Carrie is right - someone whose 21 years old is still developing intellectually. Where you got that nonsense that she was calling you 'retarded' just kind of proves what she was trying to tell you - that you don't have the emotional and intellectual maturity just yet to know what you're getting into.

 

Do you know how many lonely married men/committed men are out there looking for attention on the internet and building these fantasy lives with women they're able to dupe into believing their nonsense stories? the LOOK for naïve women like you. You're only 21 years old and have literally no real life experience at all and therefore, wouldn't be able to know that his story is SO full of holes it resembles Swiss cheese. Your mother surmised CORRECTLY that Romeo isn't really 'single' like he claims.

 

And the supposed family members you 'met' on Skype could be his next door neighbors or friends of his. Just because someone made a quick appearance on camera and claimed to be his sister or mother doesn't make it so. Jeez.

 

I guarantee you that you will NOT be making that flight out to LaLa Land. Romeo is ALREADY setting you up for his sudden 'disappearance' with his nonsense story about the girlfriend whose "suddenly" about to show up 'unexpectedly' at his door. This guy is SO full of sh*t that I'm laughing out loud at his ridiculous stories.

 

Now that it's time to actually MEET you and it's no longer some cheesy fantasy internet Skype 'romance,' he's looking to shut it down. And quickly - before you show up on his doorstep and he has to explain you to his girlfriend. But he probably didn't give you his REAL address anyway, because this has all been a fantasy for him, not reality.

 

Yeah yeah yeah - I'm sure you'll tell me I'm wrong, just like your mother. Dumb older adults - what do THEY know about love, anyway?

 

PREDICTION: Either Romeo is going to suddenly disappear within the next few weeks, or he's going to find a reason to 'postpone' your flight to see him.

 

It's going to be one or the other. Guaranteed.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry, OP, but I don't think this guy is actually single. I would bet that this "ex" isn't his ex at all - it's his girlfriend. Or his wife. You don't really know him, and you have no idea what he has really told other people about you. For all they know, you're an old friend.

 

You really need to listen to the warning bells here. There are too many red flags which suggest he's not being honest with you about his current status or who this other woman really is to him. I think there's unfortunately a lot you don't know about him.

[justwhoiam]

I'm 21 and my LDR partner is 35.

Wait until you meet him in person before you start calling him partner, boyfriend, lover, whatever. Seriously. It's just wise.

 

We've been in a long distance relationship for 6 months

And when did you start talking to him exactly? Just for good measure. I hope the answer won't be: 6 months.

 

i had to cancel my flight to meet him back in april due to family problems

Your family problems? Or his family problems? This is unclear. And what problems were they?

 

we skype everyday for hours

What does he do for a living? I can't but wonder about this, especially after you comment about being on cam so frequently. Can he be on cam with you any time of day or night? Note down his schedule.

Is he unemployed?

 

we're supposed to be meeting for the first time this month.

Oh yeah? Tell us about it. How long would you be with him? Is he coming to you or are you going to him? Where will you be staying at? Who arranged everything? Tell us the details and we'll understand your situation better.

 

His ex girlfriend who apparently cheated on him

Apparently? Does that mean that's your own assumption? Explain.

 

moved to germany with another man, months before we got together

So she's in Germany. And where's he? And where are YOU?

 

is constantly calling him, sending him hearts, kisses, and saying that she misses him so much and asking if he still loves her, and saying that she is going to get a flight home to him.

1) Have you ever wondered why he's telling you all those details? Like getting hearts from her? And kisses? He could omit those details to you, especially knowing you suffer from anxiety. And please don't tell me it's because you are honest with each other. If he were discreet, he'd be saying that she's pestering him with messages, but not blurting out all the smilies she's sending.

 

i want to add that she and him have 2 children together, who he is raising on his own

For what reason on earth, would he agree to being dumped by his partner, not asking for a dime and paying for everything to raise two children? If you asked for a family certificate, would her name still appear on that, maybe just because no one had the time to make the change on official papers? You need to prove your maturity level with facts.

 

she's calling him literally every hour

So, in the first 6 months, you almost didn't know she existed, and now she's pestering him every hour? Is that so?

I might even think his life situation changed (work, job, job location, whatever), and he might fake her presence. Besides, what you claim also makes me realize you're online with him non-stop all day, otherwise how would you know about her calling every hour? And that is not good. And not something sustainable in the long run.

 

he ends the call we're in, sometimes without telling me, and goes straight into a call with her that lasts between 20-40 minutes.

I would say that is not acceptable, unless you keep him busy all day and he needs to get things done. So:

1) you can't be talking to him non-stop all day

2) you shouldn't accept him leaving like that; if you do, you accept a bad pattern and allow him to disrespect you with implicit consent

 

last week he re called me and said that he was worried that she would come back home because he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore, and would have to cut contact with me

So, with that, he warned you: if I cut contact with you, you know why. His family status is really foggy. I can't say for sure they're still together, all I know is she twists him around her little finger. Hence, it's either that they're still together or he's still in love with her and behaving to unimaginable levels to have her back. But when you please a woman so much, I don't think it's her who cheated. Maybe he has a thing or two to be forgiven, so he's accepting anything. Maybe the house is hers too, so if they split, he'd have to pay half the house, therefore he's avoiding that like the plague.

 

he said "i'm not sure if she left to germany with him now, but she thinks that me and her are still together"

And why would he let her believe that? Didn't you ask? What's the point in letting her believe that he's still in love with her? Unless he is? Why is he ready to trample on his own dignity? Ask him and see what he says. Don't ask any of this while typing to each other. Do it when you're on cam with him, and before starting the call, let him know he's not allowed to just leave without warning and that the call will be at least 15 minutes. So set up a time that works for you both and you won't be interrupted.

 

they sent eachother a kiss, and i went into a panic attack, he tried to calm me down, and kept promising me that there's nothing going on between them

If you are having these reactions with him and being 21, you'll just make him think that you are very depending on others, and he will be turned off. He might realize little by little how young you are, and that the age difference is not a piece of cake. He might second guess his feelings and what he's doing. The moment you stop being entertaining, he might drop you. And you're there, right now. And he might do that with no regrets, thinking he's doing you a favor.

 

he introduced me to his family via cam on skype, they all know about me, even his kids

1) To what family members exactly?

2) How old are the kids?

 

He could have just told them that you're a friend. Or have you been introduced as his girlfriend (that being something you personally heard live)?

i'm crying alot, fearing that he'll take her back, or that he's still with her, i honestly can't stop this negative thinking now this has happened, what are your opinions on this?

I think you shouldn't get any crap from anyone. Stand up for yourself. Don't accept deals that mean disrespect to yourself, or disrespect will escalate to the point you'll feel constantly humiliated and worthless. Don't let that happen to you. You're young, which - believe it or not - is one of your greatest assets and won't last forever. Don't misuse it. I hope you also have other great qualities, such as intelligence, intuition, etc.

 

If he likes being around a woman's little finger, offer him yours, and treat him like that too. Maybe it's what he needs. If you go on being understanding and accepting of all the BS he's giving you, he will soon walk all over you, and then cut contact with you without further warning, leaving you heartbroken. Be prepared. Show him you're smarter than that.

Edited July 6, 2015 by justwhoiam

[Perrier]

OP there is SO MUCH WRONG with your post. I just kept shaking my head.

 

What is a young woman who has everything going for her doing with a much older man who has kids, unresolved domestic problems (which will affect you) and lives miles away?

 

His ex comes running and he drops you. He can't make up his mind whether he wants to see you or not. Your flight to him was cancelled because of family problems (which is a blessing if you ask me).

 

What other no-no's do you need?

 

You are stressing yourself for no reason by crying every day.

 

You have not met this man, you skype endlessly and fill in gaps to suit your lovey dovey imagination. Are there no suitable guys where you live?

 

What worried me is your flying to see HIM for your FIRST DATE. Women who want to be taken seriously (and men who want to take the woman seriously) do not allow the woman to fly to meet the man for a first date. You will set yourself up for laziness on his part.

 

I did not like your post at all, VERY worrying. I would listen to the other posters telling you to forget this man. Married? On fence about his ex? Is she really an ex?

[Hayls]

Thank you all so much for your replies, and advice, it has really helped me think through the whole thing properly, and i've realized some things. And CarrieT, i really am sorry for the way i spoke to you, even though i was so frustrated at the time, it was a little out of order, i realize that you didn't mean any disrespect, and i know that everything you wrote is the truth. his ex found out about us today, and she contacted him on skype and said that she's going to have me beat up, and got very nasty with me in the chat room, he told me not to worry, but then he got really weird with me after, the call went silent and he was answering me in one word to everything i said in a slightly angry tone of voice, then i stopped talking, he hung up and went offline, it's been over an hour and he came online about 10 mins ago for about 5 seconds then went offline again, and to tell you the truth, it has upset me, and i couldn't hold back the anxiety, so i don't know what to do, but i do hope that this goes away over time, and that i'll forget he ever existed... =/

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl, this guy is up to no good. He's toying with you. And did this woman say directly to you that she wants someone to hurt you? Or did he tell you she said this? I ask because I don't believe a lot of what he's told you.

 

Stop all contact with him. You don't really know who you're dealing with and the whole situation sounds toxic and an incredible waste of your time and heart. You won't want to hear this now, but believe me when I say that you will eventually realize it's a good thing if he forgets you existed. He's not who he says he is and he is a low-quality candidate for a boyfriend. I wouldn't spend another hot second on a guy like this. So not worth it.

[ohnoo]

Hayls, you're just 21. The unnecessary drama this guy is bringing to your life is definitely not worth your time. Don't even meet up with him this month. He has 2 kids with her, you'd be dealing with her for the rest of your life if you end up with him. She will not just disappear. I mean look at your position now, the ex isn't home yet but you're already getting brushed aside which means that you're number 2 and the ex is still number 1 which makes sense since they have kids together and he doesn't sound like he had completely moved on.

 

one day last week he re called me and said that he was worried that she would come back home because he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore, and would have to cut contact with me

 

Clearly, you're just a backup. I hope you can see this! Save your ticket money, he is so not worth it. He doesn't have the guts to defy her and he needs to be told what to do. What a douche! Aside from the ex drama and his excess baggage (kids), do you seriously want a guy like this?