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She's pulling away as I get closer


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So I have been talking to this girl aabout 4 years now, but it was only a bit over a year and a half ago that we admitted we have feelings for each other. Even she said that we'd pretty much been in a relationship without being in a relationship for a while.

 

She lives in the city where I have wanted to live for a long time, while I'm in a dead end town.

 

The problem is, every time I get closer she backs away. In the 4 years we've been talking, we haven't gone 48 hours without texting, and even thats unusual. We send hundreds of texts a day usually, and I understand her like I've never understood anyone else. I know that her backing away is caused by a combination of her depression, low self esteem (even though shes beautiful) and a bad relationship she had years ago, where her scummy ex pretty much turned into a stalker, which has given her a fear of commitment.

 

The best example of her pulling away is when I was going visit her she cancelled at the last minute out of fear. A few times she has pulled away when things got serious, said she never wants a relationship, then everything's been back to normal within a day or two. The first time I was upset, but I have come to accept it and never pressure her.

 

She has always said she doesn't want a "relationship" because she's not ready, but admitted that that's what we essentially have anyway, even though she's afraid to show affection.

 

But because of this, I always knew that she would start backing away when it came time for me to move.

 

The problem is, I expected to just find a place and move within a few weeks. It's been about 3 months, due to a combination of the froend I'm moving down there with (I can't afford a place with a yard for my dog by myself) screwing up the first month of forms and the fact that we can't legally move into a house without inspecting it first - but we live over 1000 miles away, she's too busy with work and uni to inspect more than 2-3 houses a week while so many others are competing for each rental house.

 

This means instead of just backing away a little as our meeting looms, it's been intimidating her for months. She has backed away to the point that she said shes not sure if she even has feelings for me anymore as anything but friends. That was about two or three weeks ago, and I STILL don't have a place (I'm ready to move as soon as I get one).

 

Like I said, she's backed away before when we've gotten too close, but that was for a day or two.

 

I have gotten desperate. Today she texted me and I figured since she gets scared when we get too close, I'd ignore her texts. it's honestly the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

Is ignoring her the best thing to do? I can't act like I'm not moving anymore to reduce pressure she feels, because I can't possibly move without her inspectiong houses anyway. I also couldn't ignore her for long even if I wanted to for the same reason.

 

So my question is, other than a few days of ignoring her and backing off on my sappy goodnights and stuff, is there any way I can redice the pressure on her? She knows I'd want to move there even if it weren't for her, I'm good friends with both her father and sister if that helps.

 

I think I love this girl, and I have accepted her issues long ago, but what I always kew would be the most trying part for us has proven so much worse. I know that as long as there's still a spark left by the time I get there I can salvage it, but I'm terrified that spark will go out.

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As I said in my post, she has said that we're essentially in a relationship but without it being called that. I also said that her pulling away has only been for a day at a time, when she is stressed, and 99% of the time it's not like that. I also said I knew this would happen.

 

She has also said that I am perfect for her, that she could never want anyone else, that she could spend her entire life with me, and that she has feelings for me but part of her tries to suppress them because of her past - which is what causes the current problem.

 

As I stated, she has also been doing real estate inspections to help me move down there. She only has one day a week free to do them though.

 

Now I'd appreciate it if someone who's actually willing to read my post and not just be a dick would give some advice.

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Honeybunnies

Have you two met in person? I can't tell if this is just an online meeting so far.

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Honeybunnies

In no way was Satu being a dick! She gives great advice on Loveshack! From what you are telling us, it seems like this girl does not ultimately want a committed relationship with you.

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No, we haven't met in person. We were going to but it was at a bad time for her and she backed out.

 

I have made it clear though that even after I move, we can meet up when she's ready rather than right away. She had said that if we do make it an official relationship it would have to be after we meet and she gets comfortable

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Honeybunnies
No, we haven't met in person. We were going to but it was at a bad time for her and she backed out.

 

I have made it clear though that even after I move, we can meet up when she's ready rather than right away. She had said that if we do make it an official relationship it would have to be after we meet and she gets comfortable

 

This just screams red flags. People who cancel on meeting are usually hiding something. Have you called each other? Heard her voice? Seen her on webcam? Talked to her friends and family?

 

For her, this may be just a fantasy that she does not want to come true.

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Also I made it clear that I would respect this and remain friends if it doesn't work. Truthfully it would hurt like hell, but I would do it.

 

But she has also said she sees no reason it wouldn't work once I'm there.

 

 

As for her cancelling, it was at a stressful time for her (mainly a lot of stress due to studies), but she admits that her depression puts her in moods where she feels all is hopeless, the worst possible outcome is inevitable etc, but has aid that I should disregard anything she says when she's in one of those moods.

 

And yes, we have talked many times. I am also friends with both her father and sister over xbox live, which is how we met.

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Also, Satu - sorry for snapping at you, it seems my original post wasnt clear enough about the positive aspects of the relationship or her feelings towards me 99% of the time.

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Honeybunnies
But she has also said she sees no reason it wouldn't work once I'm there.

 

Then why all the drama? Look, this whole situation just screams red flags, and I guarantee I won't be the only person on here who thinks this.

 

She is comfortable with how you two are now. Forget what she says, focus on how she acts. Someone who "finds no reason it wouldn't work once you're there" does not act hot and cold.

 

She knows what she's doing - she has you on a leash, and she is manipulating you. She is pushing off meeting for as long as possible.

 

Figure out how to move there - why should your move even be based on her? You two aren't in a relationship. She says you two basically already are, in her words, but this is not how a relationship works, even long distance.

 

Please meet new people, especially if you move. Do not get hung up on someone who does not respect you enough to meet or even be sincere.

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I'm 26, shes 22.

 

As for moving because of her, I was planning to move to her city for years. My town is a dead end, middle of nowhere town. She lives in a city that happens to be the capital for all the things I dream of.

 

I honestly believe she doesn't intentionally do any of these things that confuse me so much. She had depression and very, very low self esteem, and one of the big factors in not wanting to meet is her fear that I'll find her unattractive. She's also very innocent though, and very inexperienced as she so rarely socializes. In my job I have met a lot of girls over the years (no I'm not saying I'm a super-stud) but none have been anything like her, and im most ways she is the perfect girl for me. I never thought I'd be interested in someone so far away but despite our problems, we understand each other on a level I have never had with anyone before (generally, at least), as I had low self esteem myself when I was younger, as well as similar social anxieties, but my life followed a path that got rid of them.

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In four years she's never been ok with meeting in person? Have you met her father or her sister in person? Or are these just people you've only met online also? How do you know she's a real person at all? I honestly think she's just "backing off" because she's not a 22 year old girl at all. Maybe she's the wife of this man who claims to be her father. Have you skyped or something to see who she really is?

 

If you're planning on moving to her city for reasons besides her, go for it. But if you're planning to move there thinking it's going to change anything in this relationship I wouldn't do that. If a girl is interested at all and also a real person, there's no way that in four years she hasn't gotten past this depression or anxiety to meet in person.

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Well we only admitted our feelings for each other a year and a half ago, and they developed maybe two years ago. I was planning to move a lot sooner, but industry fell apart in my town, one of the places I work closed and I didn't have the cash to move. It kept getti g put off again and again, then it finally picked up about a year ago and I started saving. After a few months I was ready to move, but couldn't find a housemate to move with so I decided to organize a holiday to visit, but she canceled just before I booked flights. For the next few months I just saved, found a friend who also wants to move there, and then 3 months ago I started looking for a place, but aussie real estates require tenants to inspect a property before they'll lease it out, which makes it almost impossible to move to a new city.

 

And yes, we have skyped even though she doesn't like to because she is so convinced she's unattractive (she's beautiful, and I make sure I tell her that, but anyway). In addition to this, my oldet brother (who was friends with her family before I was), has met them all in petson before I started talking to them, when they were on holiday to the city he lives in (he lives in sydney, they live in Melbourne, we all play xbox live together - if that clears anything up). Some other mutual friends who live closer to them and would have no reason to lie have also met them several times. We are also all facebook friends and there are plenty of photos of everyone on there. And on xbox live you can have up to ten-way voice chat, and me and her father often play a game that the others don't play. The family can often be heard clearly in the background. So despite never having met, they are a very real family.

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I think this may be one of those complicated issues with too many factors to accurately explain to anyone not involved.

 

Thank you anyway

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ExpatInItaly

OP, have you seen her live on webcam before? I mean on Skype, FaceTime, whatever.

 

I agree with the others that she seems to be hiding something. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that. But after four years, including a canceled meeting, I think you should be looking at the red flags and assuming something is off.

 

She's made it clear you are only friends. Listen to her. Don't involve her in any plans to move to her city. If and when you go, don't get your hopes up for meeting then either. She is putting you off for a reason, I think. And I don't believe it's all down to low self-esteem and fear.

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We have skyped before.

 

As for people saying shes made it clear we're just friends, please read past the first post. Even when she said she's not sure about her feeling recently, she literally said she isn't sure. She didn't say she is sure we're just friends. She said she isn't sure how she feels.

 

And also;

 

"As I said in my post, she has said that we're essentially in a relationship but without it being called that."

 

"I also said that her pulling away has only been for a day at a time, when she is stressed, and 99% of the time it's not like that."

 

"She has also said that I am perfect for her, that she could never want anyone else, that she could spend her entire life with me, and that she has feelings for me but part of her tries to suppress them because of her past - which is what causes the current problem."

 

"But she has also said she sees no reason it wouldn't work once I'm there."

 

If it was as simple as her saying "I just want to be friends", I wouldn't be here. Instead she said she isnt sure. This is after several times of saying she wants to just be friends which were eaxh followed by her backtracking the next day and saying to disregard it any time she says that because its just her anxieties getting the better of her, each followed by several months of acting like a couple.

 

But, I suppose this is too complicated to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this specific situation with someone with clinical depression, social anxieties and self esteem issues.

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ExpatInItaly
We have skyped before.

 

As for people saying shes made it clear we're just friends, please read past the first post. Even when she said she's not sure about her feeling recently, she literally said she isn't sure. She didn't say she is sure we're just friends. She said she isn't sure how she feels.

 

And also;

 

"As I said in my post, she has said that we're essentially in a relationship but without it being called that."

 

"I also said that her pulling away has only been for a day at a time, when she is stressed, and 99% of the time it's not like that."

 

"She has also said that I am perfect for her, that she could never want anyone else, that she could spend her entire life with me, and that she has feelings for me but part of her tries to suppress them because of her past - which is what causes the current problem."

 

"But she has also said she sees no reason it wouldn't work once I'm there."

 

If it was as simple as her saying "I just want to be friends", I wouldn't be here. Instead she said she isnt sure. This is after several times of saying she wants to just be friends which were eaxh followed by her backtracking the next day and saying to disregard it any time she says that because its just her anxieties getting the better of her, each followed by several months of acting like a couple.

 

But, I suppose this is too complicated to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this specific situation with someone with clinical depression, social anxieties and self esteem issues.

 

I did read past your first post. I've read your whole thread. And I have dealt with people who have the emotional trouble you describe, so you cannot assume that it's too complicated for posters here to understand.

 

But my initial impression still stands: don't invest any more in her. She's made zero promises and at the moment, you aren't in a relationship with her. Her not being sure about her feelings after 4 years indicates that she is too confused for this. Don't get your hopes up and don't base any moving plans on her whatsosever.

 

I know you won't like this, but you might not be the only guy she talks to either. Unless and until you meet, you don't really know the girl she is actually is. Continue to get out there and meet other girls. She isn't committed to you, so you should feel free to date around. I don't know what more to tell you.

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todreaminblue

satu is one of the thoughtful posters on this site......his replies are always this way....thoughtful introspective...often blunt and to the point.....they are however always honest....you should appreciate all replies even if you dont agree with them....you couldnt be more wrong about satu...anyway.....

 

 

you have not met her in person i am gathering and to me online relationships that develop have that air of surrealness.....

 

sometimes issues such as you have described need professional treatment to get better...they sound pretty invasive and destructive for any relationship she forms......

 

i would suggest you stop contact with her......she needs to decide what she really wants....and at the moment it isnt really you she wants she is pushing and pulling you at the same time..thats a game....do you want to play that?.its not good for your mental health or hers........i wish you well....deb

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I did apologize to Satu. I want clear enough about certain things in my original post (things like her not being sure about us are usually taken as a no, for example, but she made it quite clear that it she literally isn't sure about her feelings. Confused)

 

As for her issues, I understand them quite well. Her short moments of pulling away had been enough for me to expect it, but they were by no means a common occurrence. There is no cure for clinical depression, but I accept it as part of who she is and only wish to help her find some happiness and minimize her low times.

 

I understand her better than I have ever understood anyone else. That is why I saw that she'd go through her longest and worst time of pulling away as my move got closer. The problem isn't he pulling away for a short time, it's the fact that this stressful time of "about to meet" had lasted months instead of a few weeks due to australias ridiculous real estate laws making it almost impossible for someone to move interstate unless they have enough money to either buy a house or fly 1500 kilometres every time a rental opens for inspection (or perhaps hire a hobo to inspect houses during the 15 minute windows they are open to inspection during weekdays when most people work).

 

But just as I always knew she would go through one of her stressed out, pulling-away times as the move got closer, I always thought that once I'm there we would be back to normal Street getting used to the change. The problem is that her pulling-away out of fear period has lasted so long, I'm scared she will pull further and further back intil there's nothing left to salvage.

Edited by UnsureGuy
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ExpatInItaly
I did apologize to Satu. I want clear enough about certain things in my original post (things like her not being sure about us are usually taken as a no, for example, but she made it quite clear that it she literally isn't sure about her feelings. Confused)

 

As for her issues, I understand them quite well. Her short moments of pulling away had been enough for me to expect it, but they were by no means a common occurrence. There is no cure for clinical depression, but I accept it as part of who she is and only wish to help her find some happiness and minimize her low times.

 

I understand her better than I have ever understood anyone else. That is why I saw that she'd go through her longest and worst time of pulling away as my move got closer. The problem isn't he pulling away for a short time, it's the fact that this stressful time of "about to meet" had lasted months instead of a few weeks due to australias ridiculous real estate laws making it almost impossible for someone to move interstate unless they have enough money to either buy a house or fly 1500 kilometres every time a rental opens for inspection (or perhaps hire a hobo to inspect houses during the 15 minute windows they are open to inspection during weekdays when most people work).

 

But just as I always knew she would go through one of her stressed out, pulling-away times as the move got closer, I always thought that once I'm there we would be back to normal Street getting used to the change. The problem is that her pulling-away out of fear period has lasted so long, I'm scared she will pull further and further back intil there's nothing left to salvage.

 

This is a pattern, and it's clearly distressing to you. I think you need to emotionally distance yourself from her for a while because it's obvious you're wanting to pull closer but she continues to pull away. Stop imagining what you hope can happen and look at what is happening. Deal with the facts as they stand today.

 

And all this for a girl you've never met? It's not healthy for you either. Are you dating around at all? Or are you pinning your hopes all on her?

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todreaminblue
I did apologize to Satu. I want clear enough about certain things in my original post (things like her not being sure about us are usually taken as a no, for example, but she made it quite clear that it she literally isn't sure about her feelings. Confused)

 

As for her issues, I understand them quite well. Her short moments of pulling away had been enough for me to expect it, but they were by no means a common occurrence. There is no cure for clinical depression, but I accept it as part of who she is and only wish to help her find some happiness and minimize her low times.

 

I understand her better than I have ever understood anyone else. That is why I saw that she'd go through her longest and worst time of pulling away as my move got closer. The problem isn't he pulling away for a short time, it's the fact that this stressful time of "about to meet" had lasted months instead of a few weeks due to australias ridiculous real estate laws making it almost impossible for someone to move interstate unless they have enough money to either buy a house or fly 1500 kilometres every time a rental opens for inspection (or perhaps hire a hobo to inspect houses during the 15 minute windows they are open to inspection during weekdays when most people work).

 

But just as I always knew she would go through one of her stressed out, pulling-away times as the move got closer, I always thought that once I'm there we would be back to normal Street getting used to the change. The problem is that her pulling-away out of fear period has lasted so long, I'm scared she will pull further and further back intil there's nothing left to salvage.

 

 

 

can you tell me the parts of the relationship that are good and what exactly are you salvaging..........also are you only moving basically for her?....i have been clinically depressed....and pressure from anyone in a down period si the last thing that a clinically depressed person needs...it can cause you to sink further down.....due to not living up to expectations ..

 

 

 

 

often shrinks will tell a clinically depressed person dotn make any major moves ro decisions.....that includes makign or breaking a relationship..coudl eb why no clear message from her is given to you.....i know this...have heard it many times...too much pressure on a depressed person....with me for example.... i lose it....i stay away from anyone and everything till i feel half way normal and able to cope....normally hospitalised at some point.....if she is clinically depressed you are putting way to much pressure on her...you need to lighten the load and be there for her when she comes back out...let her know you will be there is she needs you and step back....has she got a therapist and does she have a mental health plan...........deb

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What seems to be missing here is hunger. Hunger for a person's presence, hunger for intimacy, hunger to know and be known.

 

Yes, it's there to some extent in the OP, but I can't see it in the other person.

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todreaminblue
What seems to be missing here is hunger. Hunger for a person's presence, hunger for intimacy, hunger to know and be known.

 

Yes, it's there to some extent in the OP, but I can't see it in the other person.

 

i think her issues are clouding any hunger she does or does not feel satu...deb

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So my question is, other than a few days of ignoring her and backing off on my sappy goodnights and stuff, is there any way I can redice the pressure on her? She knows I'd want to move there even if it weren't for her, I'm good friends with both her father and sister if that helps.

 

I think I love this girl, and I have accepted her issues long ago, but what I always kew would be the most trying part for us has proven so much worse. I know that as long as there's still a spark left by the time I get there I can salvage it, but I'm terrified that spark will go out.

You are in love with a fantasy. You need to work out why you are attracted to someone who is unavailable to you rather than finding a girl where you live. You probably have commitment/codependency issues.

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