Don't know how to be myself anymore.

[MissLilly]

I apologize in advance my english because it's not my first language.

 

I've posted here a few times, in other sections, and i'm in a LDR.

 

I'm about to go back to his house and we are planning to get married in March or April. If you visit my other threads you can see a bit of our history, it's a very complicated and rocky road.

 

The current status of our relationship is that we are trying to work this out the best we can.

 

He is working hard in there, and is very busy most of the time. He takes an hour of his day for us to talk, I always call him in the morning to say hi (he likes when i call everyday). We are talking a little less because he is working all day and night, right now, because he needs to save some money and is grabbing every opportunity to work. I do my daily chores so I can have a free time to talk to him as soon as he makes himself free.

 

After a lot of problems, arguments, crying, screaming, ugly fights, jealousy and etc, from both sides, the past year, I decided to keep things light because i am truly tired of having always an argument every two days. I wanna live and let him live LIGHT, I know I love him and want him. And I make this clear all the time with words and actions. I wanna be a nice partner, friend, lover to him, and help him and myself to grow together, like any couple in a relationship should be doing. I can do anything in my power to make this happens, so i started therapy to work on my issues and i'm taking antidepressants and will go on until it's necessary.

 

We had a long talk and I shared this, I'm not doing anything without communicating him about how I want to face things now or how i approach things. I made it clear i wanted a TRUCE (yes i used this word) because i was tired of our insane way of talking and dealing with things... I wanted a normal, healthy life. Again, I made it clear I would be calmer and focused more than ever. This was a week ago more or less.

 

Yesterday already he was hinting he felt me distant... lightly, tho, and I just noticed because he asked straight to my face today. He was hinting "Oh I don't see you in cam (skype) for a lot of days now!" "oh, it seems if i break up you wouldn't give a s#$%" etc etc... i ignored.

 

Well i called him today this morning and before his cell went down he mentioned he feels me a bit distant. Later on he continued talking about this, that he feels me distant and I truly don't know what he is talking about. I only answered that I'm not distant, I call him everyday as he likes and we both talk the time he has for free and wants, and everything. But I know he's busier than ever, so I try to stay out of the way but show him all the time I'm THERE. I say I love him, i miss him... I don't know why he is bringing these things up now.

 

I got truly insecure. I'm about to move back to our home, and I asked him if these questions are not because HE IS UNSURE now, and he said no, apologized and stuff, that maybe he is feeling this because he's working too much and has no free time almost anymore. He also mentioned he feels himself insecure. Oh boy.

 

I ask for advice... as I don't know what to do!!! When I was clingy and annoying he complained, it made us fight all the time (he is kinda clingy too himself)... when i chill, again i seem to create a problem. He asked so many times for me to CHILL!! I did, why this then? I'm so stressed out, because I don't know what to do, or what to be to make this relationship works. I'm such a mess that I don't know what to BE anymore.

 

I'm sorry this is getting too long.

 

I talked to him today and asked, said first... "listen, i'm trying to be the best partner I can to you. I'm trying to be understanding, calm, patient, I listen to you, I'm available when you need, i'm here for you and in a month I will be there for you as well, in person. I understand you need to work and I'm letting you do things on your own pace. Meanwhile i'm taking care of my own things and myself. But you seem annoyed about this. I dunno how to make you happy... because if i nag you become unhappy and we fight... if i let things run their way, you too seem unhappy and is complaining about... then what is it? what can i do then or BE?" he replied "just be yourself"

 

I know I can have many problems but I'm not a dumb person, and I know I should never ask these kind of things to someone, I just needed to chill and truly be what I want to be... but I think I reached such a desperate point in my life I end up needing to ask the person I love how he wants me to be. I sometimes feel sorry for myself, so much, because I feel tied to a situation I normally wouldn't accept or let me live. Sometimes I hate being in love. So much.

[preraph]

I don't know how else to tell you this. You would be making a mistake marrying this guy. He sounds like a nut. He's never satisified or happy. You can't make him happy. People are either happy type people or they are people who make themselves miserable. He is the latter. He is sabotaging this and then he will say it's your fault. Why would you want a life of fighting with someone irrational. Come on now.

[MissLilly]

I don't know how else to tell you this. You would be making a mistake marrying this guy. He sounds like a nut. He's never satisified or happy. You can't make him happy. People are either happy type people or they are people who make themselves miserable. He is the latter. He is sabotaging this and then he will say it's your fault. Why would you want a life of fighting with someone irrational. Come on now.

 

I wish I could say you are wrong but you aren't. This sounds like him very much

 

You see, I was living with him for 9 months. We had huge, constant fights, like two days normal, a big fight (some HUGE, police went to our house once etc) the third day. For 9 whole months. I will never say I was perfect and did all right and was all his fault, I provoked some of them of course BUT it came to a point in which I knew everything was wrong and decided to spend a little time with my parents, at my place, but I didn't break up the relationship. I wanted to break the mess we were living, fighting, making up, fighting, making up... I planned to go to therapy and work on MY issues and asked him to please do the same because I wanted to come back very soon and that we could have a better and calmer life together.

 

Thing is he never accepted I came back to spend a little time with my family and take care of my health, physical and mental, here (I was going to stay only 3 months here to sort myself and he sort too himself there. Work, have his time alone, the house to himself and etc). The day I left he even encouraged me to go and see my family, spend a good time and take care of my things but was waiting for me to come back! But then, in every kind of argument we started through skype after this, he brought this up with so much resentment as if it was an act of LACK OF LOVE to him.

 

I can't say a thing ("please don't go out to drink too much because it's bad for you" >>> "YOU WANTED TO GO THERE RIGHT? so deal with it") and he brings this thing up, like anything he does against me was kinda a punishment for me to be in here and not there.

 

And now this. In 1 month I'm going back... when I only said I would be calm and focused, I didn't want more drama... and it seems he simply can't live without drama. I keep thinking this all the time. Is he addicted to drama?

 

As far as I know his previous relationship was the same way, but the girl was the "always silent" kind, and had a bunch of friends. So she didn't take the BS as I do because I'm a more of an introverted type and don't have an active social life.

[MissLilly]

Honestly... as I was writing that I felt a strange feeling like "Why should I worry anymore?". I don't feel this way for a very long time, maybe tomorrow I feel differently but... WHY am I caring about something that is making me feel so bad?

 

I don't know, I love LS to read, learn. But I started to wonder, why do I need to spend so much time trying to figure my relationship's problems in here, asking help, opinions, when I'm doing this all by myself? Like, he's sleeping right now and I'm here for 4 1/2 hours nonstop trying to figure what have I done wrong today to this guy. Oh no, this will stop now.

 

I'm just venting! I honestly will just leave him a message on skype saying to take it easy because I am... and if he continues with the drama will let this thing die by itself. I don't wanna risk my health anymore because of a relationship (i smoked 15 cigarettes just because I was too tense before) :mad:

 

If it's meant to be it will! That's all.

[Blehh]

I can tell you're trying really hard to hold on to this relationship but the fact that it seems so stressful - arguing, fights, etc. you need to reconsider if you actually should marry him. The person who replied above about people who like to make themselves miserable is pretty true, and sometimes they may be looking for people to fill that void of their misery or negativity and like to take their anger too. Although I'm sure the anger comes from both sides. I think you should get some kind of relationship counseling if you truly want to commit to a marriage, unfortunately if things don't get better you might see a divorce in the future which nobody wants at all. Just be careful with your choices.

I might have missed this but how long has the relationship been going on? You lived with him for 9 months but has it been longer knowing him or?

[OnlyHonesty]

 

If it's meant to be it will! That's all.

 

It doesn't matter whether its meant to be because it needs to end. You have self esteem challenges, you are disregarding your health, are probably afraid of being alone, are possibly attracted to dramatic relationships where you have to ''fight'' or struggle to win peace. The fact is, if you get married, it will be a mistake and if you continue with this relationship it will be a mistake.

 

You need to find out why you would continue investing in something so negative and you need to work on your self from the inside. The only relationship you should be focusing on is the one with yourself.

[MissLilly]

I might have missed this but how long has the relationship been going on? You lived with him for 9 months but has it been longer knowing him or?

 

We are dating for 1 1/12 year now, and lived together 9 months.

 

I woke up this morning a little less angry but i'm annoyed, pretty much, not at him but at this whole situation. I had bad relationships before, but I for sure never felt this way, so down and always struggling like I am now.

 

No recipe I know but I'm sure I'll never be happy and he neither. Because he never is happy, when I look at things I see he's never happy about what he has, achieved, wants... I'll think a bit and act out of desperation. Will need a few days thinking, thinking... will maybe talk, not sure yet... because I know anything I say will create a huge drama.

 

Will take care of myself first.