Met a guy online...

[teaspoon]

OK so I've got this guy friend that I met online. We've seen each other on Skype so I know he's not a catfish. We message each other every day. We're pretty flirty.. we've had cam sex. We've also admitted having developed strong feelings about each other. He was depressed last year because he couldn't find a job. I've been struggling with my own depression too. We really helped and supported each other last year. We planned that he would come here in April, when my house is going to be free.

 

Anyway, end of December he finally got a job!! I was so happy for him. I'm not a religious person but I actually prayed that he'd get the job, because I knew it would make him happier. Then he looked at plane tickets and saw that they were cheaper than usual, and said he was ready to book the flight to come here. He said he was going to book it that day. Then later he said he had a conversation with his brother who said he should wait and find out what his vacation policy at work is.

 

His brother (from away) is now visiting him since Xmas. He's been really busy, going out every day with his brother and their friends. We had a very intimate skype session (cam sex) early this month. Then he started his job a couple days later. He texted me saying that he couldn't stop daydreaming about me, and that he'd let me know how much vacation time he can get as soon as possible.

 

We planned to Skype again that weekend (a real conversation, not sex). He bailed on Friday, then on Saturday night he said he smoked too much weed and that he wouldn't be able to have a good conversation. I expressed disappointment. For the following week he was really busy, going out with his brother or with friends every night after work. He kept saying he could Skype "maybe tomorrow" but then kept having to bail because he was so busy. I started to get frustrated with this and expressed it, I said if he wants to visit me we need to talk more first.

 

Last week I told him I've been struggling more lately. The lack of communication has been making me more insecure about everything and I want reassurance that he still has feelings for me. I didn't say that, but I probably gave off that vibe. On Wednesday there was a 30 minute window between when he got home from work and going out with friends. He said he could Skype then, but it was so last minute that I wasn't prepared. I told him it's a very brief window of time and he'd have to try harder.

 

The next day he sent me a long text saying that it's been a bit of a shock for him suddenly having a job and being able to go out everyday when he used to be home all the time. He said he's trying to take advantage of all the opportunities he can get to go out while his brother is there. He said he thought about what I said, and that he isn't sure anymore if he could be there for me as much as I deserve. Because of time differences, work, and not being able to stay up late chatting anymore. We talked it out a bit, he said sorry a lot. He said it wasn't because he liked me any less. I asked him if the April trip is off, and he said he isn't sure if he would be able to get enough vacation time by then. He admitted he was starting to think it was unrealistic. I said something like "You still haven't told me about that daydream." and he responded with "Lol :p"

 

So what the heck should I do now? Is he trying to let me down easy? Did I act too needy and put pressure on him? I told him I wasn't sure if I could wait any longer than April, and he didn't seem disappointed, he said he didn't think it was fair for him to expect me to wait. Granted this has all been over text message because he's been too busy to Skype.

 

I have such strong feelings for him at this point. He still messages me every day and he says good night every night. Is this his way of stringing me along? Maybe he was just using me when he needed emotional support last year?

 

Should I wait until his brother leaves and see if he has time for me then? Maybe he's just pulling away because we're starting to get too relationship-y, as guys usually do?

 

Or worse, maybe I'm a backup plan until he meets someone in real life?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

With all you've shared here, I cannot stress enough, that this is NOT in any way a reflection on YOU, or your worth as a person/romantic-interest.

 

So very much of all you describe is the effects OF somebody suddenly having income, and with it some amounts of freedom to more actively participate in life all around him.

 

It also makes sense that a brother from out of town would indeed be drawing this guy's attention more toward the world outside of his home.

 

I wish that you could view this guy completely independent of yourself... and not see it as any measure of your own appeal, that he is now seeming to fill-up more of the space immediately around him, at the expense of still investing himself in the world outside his bedroom, as practiced when he could not afford to do much else aside from channeling his interest and feelings toward the online world.

 

 

I'm sure it sucks to feel it from your end, but if you raise a fuss and follow some of your likely impulses it would likely drive him further away from your interactions.

 

 

I cannot drum it into your head enough, that this surely has little or nothing to do with your own social worth, or of his diminished sense OF your social worth to him.

 

Nor does it reflect his worth as a decent-seeming person. Allow your mind to understand that this is normal and natural based on his newfound financial freedoms and let yourself remain hopeful...

[teaspoon]

Thank you for your response.

 

I'm just wondering, should I do anything to change my behaviour? Maybe pull back and give him space to explore this change. And maybe stop asking if he wants to visit me and give him the chance to bring it up when he's ready?

 

I've been considering dating other men.. would this be a bad idea?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi again,

 

 

"In a perfect world..."

 

you would have various invitations already in-play, and 'ideally' you might just accept one of those, and create a nice relationship of it.

 

 

In reality, I suspect it is challenging to get yourself up for taking interest in other suitors, even if they are lined-up to have a chance with you.

 

 

Dating other men (in situations where you are NOT officially tethered to one man) is never a bad move... because you get priceless perspective from so doing.

 

 

(Consider merely the fact that a typical person might have 4 or 5 significant relationships over the course of a lifetime... and note how heavily weighted those are, toward, say, partners who leave their socks all over the house (or other mundane little traits, more easily distributed randomly across the spectrum of one's dating experiences the more partners he/she evolves to have) )

 

 

Now of course lots/most of us don't have the luxury of potential partners growing on trees (that we can identify, short of us having to do considerable work toward availing ourselves TO them)... but since there is nothing that helps you take your mind off of somebody, like meeting somebody else, it is a good move to explore some of those options if they are within arm's reach.

 

The more typical move, by so many in a situation like yours, is to make a whole lot of overtures toward the (person who wanted the 'space') ... and cause/inspire a bigger battle to break-out, which too often ends any possibility of continuing the relationship.

 

IF you can feign being a strong and confident person... at least for a while, then go and pursue other social possibilities while keeping your own mind willing to have this important guy visit you at or near the scheduled time.

 

 

In the end, you will find yourself less significantly invested IN him... which will make any eventual 'goodbye' from him, easier to handle.

 

Yet if he decides that you were really worth exploring further, then you've not participated in any more friction between the two of you between now and then.

 

Psychologically, too, I would say that the most ideal way to impact him in the way of recognizing you as the cat's meow that you are... would be to become relatively silent, and leave him wanting more...

[kitkatleen]

OK so I've got this guy friend that I met online. We've seen each other on Skype so I know he's not a catfish. We message each other every day. We're pretty flirty.. we've had cam sex. We've also admitted having developed strong feelings about each other. He was depressed last year because he couldn't find a job. I've been struggling with my own depression too. We really helped and supported each other last year. We planned that he would come here in April, when my house is going to be free.

 

Anyway, end of December he finally got a job!! I was so happy for him. I'm not a religious person but I actually prayed that he'd get the job, because I knew it would make him happier. Then he looked at plane tickets and saw that they were cheaper than usual, and said he was ready to book the flight to come here. He said he was going to book it that day. Then later he said he had a conversation with his brother who said he should wait and find out what his vacation policy at work is.

 

His brother (from away) is now visiting him since Xmas. He's been really busy, going out every day with his brother and their friends. We had a very intimate skype session (cam sex) early this month. Then he started his job a couple days later. He texted me saying that he couldn't stop daydreaming about me, and that he'd let me know how much vacation time he can get as soon as possible.

 

We planned to Skype again that weekend (a real conversation, not sex). He bailed on Friday, then on Saturday night he said he smoked too much weed and that he wouldn't be able to have a good conversation. I expressed disappointment. For the following week he was really busy, going out with his brother or with friends every night after work. He kept saying he could Skype "maybe tomorrow" but then kept having to bail because he was so busy. I started to get frustrated with this and expressed it, I said if he wants to visit me we need to talk more first.

 

Last week I told him I've been struggling more lately. The lack of communication has been making me more insecure about everything and I want reassurance that he still has feelings for me. I didn't say that, but I probably gave off that vibe. On Wednesday there was a 30 minute window between when he got home from work and going out with friends. He said he could Skype then, but it was so last minute that I wasn't prepared. I told him it's a very brief window of time and he'd have to try harder.

 

The next day he sent me a long text saying that it's been a bit of a shock for him suddenly having a job and being able to go out everyday when he used to be home all the time. He said he's trying to take advantage of all the opportunities he can get to go out while his brother is there. He said he thought about what I said, and that he isn't sure anymore if he could be there for me as much as I deserve. Because of time differences, work, and not being able to stay up late chatting anymore. We talked it out a bit, he said sorry a lot. He said it wasn't because he liked me any less. I asked him if the April trip is off, and he said he isn't sure if he would be able to get enough vacation time by then. He admitted he was starting to think it was unrealistic. I said something like "You still haven't told me about that daydream." and he responded with "Lol :p"

 

So what the heck should I do now? Is he trying to let me down easy? Did I act too needy and put pressure on him? I told him I wasn't sure if I could wait any longer than April, and he didn't seem disappointed, he said he didn't think it was fair for him to expect me to wait. Granted this has all been over text message because he's been too busy to Skype.

 

I have such strong feelings for him at this point. He still messages me every day and he says good night every night. Is this his way of stringing me along? Maybe he was just using me when he needed emotional support last year?

 

Should I wait until his brother leaves and see if he has time for me then? Maybe he's just pulling away because we're starting to get too relationship-y, as guys usually do?

 

Or worse, maybe I'm a backup plan until he meets someone in real life?

 

 

I know how you're feeling right now.

When i just met my LDR ex boyfriend, he was almost in depression as well. I motivated him, i did many things to show him i love and care for him. Eventually he recovered from his depression and started focusing on important things in life. He always said "i'm doing this for you". He had a hard time finding a job but i stuck with him despite knowing immigration is almost impossible as he don't earn enough to bring me over and he don't have qualifications to come over here. Eventually he got a job but the salary wasn't good enough but i still stuck to him, encouraging him that it will be better and we can keep trying.

 

Most of the time, i feel like i'm doing all the "chasing", i was tired of nagging on him to start doing long term plans and checking his vacation time so he can come to visit me but he keeps pushing it back.. Eventually i got super insecure and we kept fighting. It was really hard. He started his new job as soon as i left his country and all the communication just "stopped". We dragged it for months and he told me that he is not sure anymore, he felt bad but we are just drifting apart. In the end, he told me he stopped loving me because we kept fighting. I was totally destroyed, the guy who used to always say he won't leave me, left. I feel like eventually people change and they can grow apart.. It's not easy, especially with LDR. He will find out he likes the new life more. I was upset but happy for him that he made something for himself.

 

On the bright side, i met a new guy (LDR too lol...) He was similar, when i first met him, he was on summer break, he have no job. But i loved him more than anything, i was ALWAYS there. We talked so much, i was so happy. I felt loved, like i've never had. But i'm always afraid, im afraid he will leave me behind like how my ex does. He started getting a new job and now he goes back to school. From talking hours a day/texting non stop to only a short phone call everyday. It's good that he still calls and contact me no matter how busy he is, but obviously i feel neglected. I'm used to him giving me alot of attention. I'm needy due to my insecurities. I once told him that i'm afraid he will leave me behind after he succeed in life. Although he often reassure me that he won't do it, deep inside i still have fear and don't trust him.

 

It's unfair but i feel like your boyfriend is just feeling that way right now. When my bf first got a job, we had more fights about time management and we almost broke up but now i'm getting used to it. I guess it's either you get used to it or leave. See if he's worth it. For me, i'm staying because i know he is doing the right thing and he still does makes effort. I would suggest leaving him alone till he come to find you. That way, he would know if he will miss you. I understand your struggles, i'm like this too. Not saying you're wrong neither is your boyfriend but people life changes, we just need to adapt. IF he left you now, it shows what kind of person he is. You're lucky to dodge a bullet. Stay strong girl!

[teaspoon]

We're not officially going out and we're not exclusive. We decided we would "take it easier" and talked about how we valued each other's friendship.

He hasn't asked me to cam or anything. I asked him what his plans are for the weekend and he didn't even ask me in return. He doesn't flirt anymore and no longer seems interested in talking about sexual things either. I'm thinking this is ending or already over.

 

I really want to ask "Is this over?" but I guess I will avoid it because I'll seem clingy and push him away further. I think he's been trying to give me hints, though.

I wish there was some way I could find out if he still thinks about maybe being in a real relationship with me in the future? I'm getting sick of wasting my time being stuck on him.

 

A different guy (who lives here) asked me to go out for brunch on Saturday. I guess I will go.

I wonder if I should tell online guy and see what his reaction is? Or will it seem like I'm trying to make him jealous?

Edited January 30, 2015 by teaspoon

[Satu]

We're not officially going out and we're not exclusive. We decided we would "take it easier" and talked about how we valued each other's friendship.

He hasn't asked me to cam or anything. I asked him what his plans are for the weekend and he didn't even ask me in return. He doesn't flirt anymore and no longer seems interested in talking about sexual things either. I'm thinking this is ending or already over.

 

I really want to ask *"Is this over?" but I guess I will avoid it because I'll seem clingy and push him away further. I think he's been trying to give me hints, though.

I wish there was some way I could find out if he still thinks about maybe being in a real relationship with me in the future? I'm getting sick of wasting my time being stuck on him.

 

A different guy (who lives here) asked me to go out for brunch on Saturday. I guess I will go.

 

*Yes, its over.

[teaspoon]

A month ago he sent me a small xmas gift and was ready to get a plane ticket. It's crazy how quickly things can change. I guess I will try to move on.

[OnlyHonesty]

A month ago he sent me a small xmas gift and was ready to get a plane ticket. It's crazy how quickly things can change. I guess I will try to move on.

 

 

There is no point in asking if it is over because it definately is. A big reason why he was able to invest so much time online was due to not having a job or many outside interests but one could argue that he would still ensure you would spend time together if it was really important to him.

 

Unless you meet each other quite quickly, I consider most online ''relationships'' to be a fantasy. The strong feelings you had for him were more fantasy unless you had met. That was part of the problem and you would have started to see him in an ideal way too. Another potential problem is that local people can not compare to this fantasy.

 

My advice to you would be to cease all contact with the guy and move on. You should also be very careful with showing yourself on cam because it can be used against you. You need to think beyond your urges and emotions.