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Is she a Catfish?


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Hey people.

 

I met a girl on a dating website about 9 months ago and I want to get to the bottom of if she is who she says. Before I start we are 4 hours away from each other. We began to chat every couple of days, but, as she works long hours it was hard for us to text more than that. I eventually asked her for her mobile phone number which she gladly gave to me and I rang her a couple of days later just to talk casually and see how she was doing. Everything was going great until I mentioned meeting up somewhere and she went all defensive and told me that she 'Was visiting a relative in another state' which I totally understood as this is a normal thing to do.

 

She text me a couple of hours later explaining how sorry she was but her Grandmother isn't in the best shape and she needed to go see her which I was fine with. She went on to say that she would love to meet up so we arranged to meet the following week and I was thinking that this would develop into something great. I went to the meeting place, feeling nervous as hell, and I waited for 1 hour until I got a phone call from her and she was crying telling me how her grandmother had died. I was shell-shocked on the phone, comforted her and gave her the space she needed. She seemed appreciative of this.

 

After this, we talked more and more and she told me how much she was falling for me and I said the same. I then asked her if she had a webcam because I just wanted to see her face, she said 'It is broken but I will get a new one as soon as possible'. Which I replied with 'Don't worry, whenever Is best for you. I understand how stressful your life is right now.'

 

I asked her to send me a Selfie from her phone to mine and she happily obliged, I noticed her hair looked different, but she looked even better than the previous pictures she'd sent to me. Our relationship continued to develop the following weeks.

 

Eventually, I said, 'I really need to meet you and spend some time with you to discover how deep my feelings actually are'. She said 'I understand and I do want to meet you, how about next Saturday'. I thought this was for real and she wouldn't mess around with me again but the same thing happened and I didn't hear from her for the following two days until I received a text with a picture. It wrote 'I was involved in a car crash, I'm so sorry, I have been in hospital for the past two days.' This came with a picture of her car. I had a mixture of emotions to this because 1. I thought how convenient of the day of meeting that she had a car crash, who is this girl? 2. I felt sadness when I also received a picture of her injuries. I asked her why she didn't ask me to visit her and she said that she didn't want to put me under more stress because my work-life is hard was hard at the time.

 

In the end, we started talking regularly again and I noticed how much her voice sounded like the girl in the pictures (which is probably a stupid thing to say). I said to her until I meet you and spend time with you that we can't become more than friends. She said that she was in love with me and after everything I've done for her that I am the only one for her and I said 'Skype me then' and she said 'I am busy with work, sorry'. To which I became distant and frustrated but I went back to her.

 

We've been gradually getting closer since this but I'm scared to ask her to meet me (or even Skype) because of her constant excuses. I know it may sound silly but I have fallen for this girl's personality and I don't care how she looks but it will take time to heal things IF she is lying about who she is.

 

What do I do the make her come clean? I have image searched all her pictures and nothing came up other than a Facebook profile of a girl with the same name and from the same city. Should I message the profile, I thought it'd be rude of me to do so because she never mentioned Facebook? Should I move on now, or should I keep at this?

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited by livealittle1
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Tell her to message you when she's ready to meet and greet, and then do not speak to her until then. In the meantime, start dating other women. Stick to local women too. Less headache.

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Hey people.

 

I met a girl on a dating website about 9 months ago and I want to get to the bottom of if she is who she says. Before I start we are 4 hours away from each other. We began to chat every couple of days, but, as she works long hours it was hard for us to text more than that. I eventually asked her for her mobile phone number which she gladly gave to me and I rang her a couple of days later just to talk casually and see how she was doing. Everything was going great until I mentioned meeting up somewhere and she went all defensive and told me that she 'Was visiting a relative in another state' which I totally understood as this is a normal thing to do.

 

She text me a couple of hours later explaining how sorry she was but her Grandmother isn't in the best shape and she needed to go see her which I was fine with. She went on to say that she would love to meet up so we arranged to meet the following week and I was thinking that this would develop into something great. I went to the meeting place, feeling nervous as hell, and I waited for 1 hour until I got a phone call from her and she was crying telling me how her grandmother had died. I was shell-shocked on the phone, comforted her and gave her the space she needed. She seemed appreciative of this.

 

After this, we talked more and more and she told me how much she was falling for me and I said the same. I then asked her if she had a webcam because I just wanted to see her face, she said 'It is broken but I will get a new one as soon as possible'. Which I replied with 'Don't worry, whenever Is best for you. I understand how stressful your life is right now.'

 

I asked her to send me a Selfie from her phone to mine and she happily obliged, I noticed her hair looked different, but she looked even better than the previous pictures she'd sent to me. Our relationship continued to develop the following weeks.

 

Eventually, I said, 'I really need to meet you and spend some time with you to discover how deep my feelings actually are'. She said 'I understand and I do want to meet you, how about next Saturday'. I thought this was for real and she wouldn't mess around with me again but the same thing happened and I didn't hear from her for the following two days until I received a text with a picture. It wrote 'I was involved in a car crash, I'm so sorry, I have been in hospital for the past two days.' This came with a picture of her car. I had a mixture of emotions to this because 1. I thought how convenient of the day of meeting that she had a car crash, who is this girl? 2. I felt sadness when I also received a picture of her injuries. I asked her why she didn't ask me to visit her and she said that she didn't want to put me under more stress because my work-life is hard was hard at the time.

 

In the end, we started talking regularly again and I noticed how much her voice sounded like the girl in the pictures (which is probably a stupid thing to say). I said to her until I meet you and spend time with you that we can't become more than friends. She said that she was in love with me and after everything I've done for her that I am the only one for her and I said 'Skype me then' and she said 'I am busy with work, sorry'. To which I became distant and frustrated but I went back to her.

 

We've been gradually getting closer since this but I'm scared to ask her to meet me (or even Skype) because of her constant excuses. I know it may sound silly but I have fallen for this girl's personality and I don't care how she looks but it will take time to heal things IF she is lying about who she is.

 

What do I do the make her come clean? I have image searched all her pictures and nothing came up other than a Facebook profile of a girl with the same name and from the same city. Should I message the profile, I thought it'd be rude of me to do so because she never mentioned Facebook? Should I move on now, or should I keep at this?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

She's a catfish.

 

Here's how you find out if she's truly a catfish:

 

Make a short video with your cell camera and upload it to your YouTube channel. Only give her access to the video--no one else. Say something in it that she will have to have viewed the video to find out, so she can't say "oh yeah I saw it", but can't answer a question you ask in it. Once she's satisfactorily answered the question, wait about 3 days and then go into the google analytics on your YouTube account page... it's the world icon. It will tell you where it was viewed (what country, city, etc) and how long it was watched and how many times. You will find out for sure where she is because only she has the url for the video.

 

If where the viewing isn't where she says she is, then you are dealing with a catfish.

 

Their MO is to use catastrophe to manipulate you. She probably stole the pictures from someone--the person who catfished me was using pictures that I couldn't find online until I found a site on romance scammers and there were his pictures. Are you using the plug in "who stole my pictures? for Firefox? It's better than TinEye. This mess happened to me about a year ago. The video thing is what popped his ugly behind out of his hiding place. Try it.

Edited by kendahke
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Yes she's a Catfish!

 

Anybody who won't video chat after 9 months of chatting is definitely hiding something.

 

Walk away.

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Sounds like classic catfish but easy way to find out.

 

You tell her that you are done speaking to her until and unless she can live cam or meet up. Explain that you do care about her but you need to know for your own peace of mind that she is who she says she is.

 

A rational person will get their arse on cam and actually, if she has a cell phone to take a selfie then she has capability for video chatting via phone (if webcam is broke).

 

Also, a rational person who is not lying will be understanding of you needing to see them and won't hold it against you that you came to this ultimatem. The fact that you threatened "just friends" once and went back on your word has demonstrated that you can be manipulated. Time to put up or shut up and demand she do the same.

 

Best of luck, I know that is easier said than done.

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Michelle ma Belle

Sweetie, don't be so naive.

 

This is Catfish 101. Plain and simple.

 

Okay, so she may not be lying about everything but she clearly does not want you to see her in person which begs the question, why not? What is she hiding?

 

It's admirable to say you're in love with the person and don't really care what she looks like BUT reality isn't quite as forgiving unfortunately. Besides, can you still love someone who's been lying to you all this time? Who knows who else she's been playing or what other kinds of lies she's been telling.

 

Tread carefully my friend.

 

I'm in agreement with some of the posters who've suggested cooling things off until she's finally serious about meeting in person. Until then, keep yourself busy and continue making contact with other women. Don't put your life on hold for someone who isn't willing to at least meet you half way.

 

Good luck.

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She's only 4 hours away so one weekend plan a trip to her city and tell her about it, with the added demand that she either meet you or you're not going to talk anymore. Tell her if she's been dishonest about something you might be able to work it out but she has to meet you. And don't back down, go no matter what she says or what excuse she comes up with.

 

Have a backup plan with something fun to do just im case she doesn't show up. :p But the end result should be either the pressure forces her into finally taking that step or you end up feeling humiliated enough that you move on from someone who's not really available. Works either way.

 

Just to add too, not doing video chat can be a bad sign but it's by no means a smoking gun. I was in an LDR for a year and I never did it once, and she turned out just fine.

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She's only 4 hours away so one weekend plan a trip to her city and tell her about it, with the added demand that she either meet you or you're not going to talk anymore. Tell her if she's been dishonest about something you might be able to work it out but she has to meet you. And don't back down, go no matter what she says or what excuse she comes up with.

 

Have a backup plan with something fun to do just im case she doesn't show up. :p But the end result should be either the pressure forces her into finally taking that step or you end up feeling humiliated enough that you move on from someone who's not really available. Works either way.

 

Just to add too, not doing video chat can be a bad sign but it's by no means a smoking gun. I was in an LDR for a year and I never did it once, and she turned out just fine.

 

 

Is the forcing her really that good of an idea? This is such a tricky situation because you've developed real feelings for her.

I've always felt that when you give someone an ultimatum. It basically means you're having to force something. I don't know everything about love, however, I do know that if it's forced then there are some serious issues. It should progress naturally. I do agree however with you making serious decisions on whether or not to keep this relationship going.

Like suggested before. Have a serious conversation with her. No more bull****. Life comes at us fast. I was supposed to meet my LDR, the first time my family had a horrible car accident, the second time I lost my passport at the airport. However, we had Skype, FaceTime, sent tons of pics, talked on the phone. My family knows who he is, and vice versa. We decided it would be best to wait until we spent quality time with each other to be sure that we really had an amazing connection like we thought.

Good luck to you and I wish you the very best. Stay strong and I'm hoping this all works out in your favor. Call me corn, but I'm always hoping love wins in the end.

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Who the hell doesn't have a smart phone these days? She's full of it.

 

I'd do the YouTube vid bit to track, I'm super sleuthy like that though.

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She's only 4 hours away so one weekend plan a trip to her city and tell her about it, with the added demand that she either meet you or you're not going to talk anymore. Tell her if she's been dishonest about something you might be able to work it out but she has to meet you. And don't back down, go no matter what she says or what excuse she comes up with.

 

Have a backup plan with something fun to do just im case she doesn't show up. :p But the end result should be either the pressure forces her into finally taking that step or you end up feeling humiliated enough that you move on from someone who's not really available. Works either way.

 

Just to add too, not doing video chat can be a bad sign but it's by no means a smoking gun. I was in an LDR for a year and I never did it once, and she turned out just fine.

 

That's not practical. What will happen is she'll initially agree to meet him and then the day of, she will go incommunicado and it will be yet another made up catastrophe and he will be out of gas, money, time and wear and tear on his car.

 

I think that not doing a video chat is your proof that they are not who they say they are. Yeah, for some people they have no issues, but OP--you've got issues with this chick being who she says she is (if it's even a she--it might be a he). They're not going to feel pressure because they've never had any intention on meeting you in the first place. They're after attention or money.

 

I met a guy from the UK online. We talked for a while, I did the video thing and he as where he said he was, but there are catfish rings there, too. I then insisted that we video chat or else I was done and he did. They should have no problem agreeing to video chat and if they don't, you should have no trouble cutting them off.

 

The best piece of advice I've ever read on dealing with catfish is to just disappear and block them.

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Hey guys,

I have an update, I've gotta go to work so I'll post later. Thanks for the replies. Wow, this is crazy, I never expected this to happen....

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I confronted her about everything and we had a deep conversation about it. She said she would Skype with me and I waited patiently as she explained that she went through a trauma as a young girl which led her to push people away and she grew up alone. When she was 20 she finally decided to reach out for help and talk to somebody about what happened (I'd prefer not to say what It is) and for the past 5 years she has been getting her life back on track and been focusing on herself. She said she signed up for the dating website not expecting anything BUT she saw my profile and she was instantly interested in dating me because of my interests and she said she thought I was handsome. She told me that she lied about not coming to see me because she didn't know what type of interest I had in her, which seems genuine. She then said she was scared of 'letting me in' and I got quite emotional over her story. She said that she began to fall for me and how I comforted her at hard times and made her even more happier at good times. Any ways, after we talked about this we Skyped and she was so nervous on camera but I cheered her up and she was real, to my surprise (I thought the whole talk was leading up to her being a Catfish). She says she needs some more time before meeting up and I'm okay with this, I just hope there isn't another guy in the equation. In the meantime, I'm definitely interested in a relationship with her BUT do you people think that it's acceptable for me to date other women or not? I see it as perfectly okay myself but because of her personality she might freak out about it.

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Michelle ma Belle

Phew!!! That was a close one ;)

 

I was pretty certain this was going to be a story or yet another stall tactic. I was already constructing my exasperated response and plea to you to GET OUT but thankfully it appears she was legit...or at least for now.

 

As for your final question about dating other women - YES!

 

You are NOT in an exclusive relationship and until you have that talk with her (or anyone else) it's fair game on both of you. Again, you can't wait around forever for this girl to build up the courage to meet you in person.

 

I would remain in contact with her whilst staying open to dating other women. I wouldn't bother letting her know anything for the reasons you mentioned as it might set her back even further (Oi vey).

 

At the end of the day you don't need to ask for "permission" to date other people since you're not an official couple. Until then, enjoy your life and let things unfold as they will.

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I agree with Michelle, but you need to keep your conversations very light, for the moment. If you start getting too deep into details of her life and her feelings, and her past, you'll end up being involved emotionally, and how then will you go out and date other women? Will you be emotionally available to them? If you go out with a woman and your mind's elsewhere, I guess you should at least tell the woman you go out with, and that would limit your chances with women.

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I dunno. I say you're not her therapist and if she has so much work she needs to do to get to the point where she can't even skype, then she's not ready to be in any relationship. She needs to be in therapy to resolve her issues. Many times people use boyfriend/girlfriends as their therapist instead of just going and seeing one when they're trained or equipped to help them sort out their problems.

 

Yes, by all means keep on dating.

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She told me that she lied about not coming to see me because she didn't know what type of interest I had in her, which seems genuine.

 

and she couldn't just ask you this before meeting with you?

 

Starting out one's involvement with a lie isn't a good thing. Why do so many people think lying is ok? Gaaaaahhhhh!

 

She then said she was scared of 'letting me in' and I got quite emotional over her story. She said that she began to fall for me and how I comforted her at hard times and made her even more happier at good times. Any ways, after we talked about this we Skyped and she was so nervous on camera but I cheered her up and she was real, to my surprise (I thought the whole talk was leading up to her being a Catfish). She says she needs some more time before meeting up and I'm okay with this, I just hope there isn't another guy in the equation. In the meantime, I'm definitely interested in a relationship with her BUT do you people think that it's acceptable for me to date other women or not? I see it as perfectly okay myself but because of her personality she might freak out about it.

 

If she is this fragile, you need to tread very carefully.

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That's not practical. What will happen is she'll initially agree to meet him and then the day of, she will go incommunicado and it will be yet another made up catastrophe and he will be out of gas, money, time and wear and tear on his car.

 

I think that not doing a video chat is your proof that they are not who they say they are. Yeah, for some people they have no issues, but OP--you've got issues with this chick being who she says she is (if it's even a she--it might be a he). They're not going to feel pressure because they've never had any intention on meeting you in the first place. They're after attention or money.

 

I met a guy from the UK online. We talked for a while, I did the video thing and he as where he said he was, but there are catfish rings there, too. I then insisted that we video chat or else I was done and he did. They should have no problem agreeing to video chat and if they don't, you should have no trouble cutting them off.

 

The best piece of advice I've ever read on dealing with catfish is to just disappear and block them.

That's the whole general point of the exercise. To either move things along or have an experience humiliating enough that it turns you off from the girl. That's how dating should naturally work. The guy should be bold and express what he wants.

 

Guy's have needs too and it should not always be about giving the woman total control over the pace, even if she's not meeting the needs of the guy. It's nice that he finally got the fact she's real out of her but if she's still not ready to meet she's probably not all that into a sexual relationship with him, and that probably won't change in the future. It's up to him to decide if that's something he can live with or not.

 

And no, them not doing video chat does not mean that. It's like the Salem witch trials all over with this catfish thing. Everyone wants to be part of the catfish club.

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She's a dude. she is sporting a package below, if ya know what i mean.

 

if you meet her in person, do it in a public place, and check out if she has an adam's apple.

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