LDR of 10 months wearing me down

[tart6245]

I met a girl about 10 months ago about 200 miles away from me during homecoming at my university. We started talking and eventually went out on Valentines day of 2014 (cheesy I know). After that, a month or so passed. We saw each other intermittently throughout the summer as I was studying for the bar exam.

 

After that ended, we started seeing each other every two weeks and got closer and closer. She had told me during the summer she loved me, and I told her I did too, but I never really thought about what our relationship was. I was so stressed out that all I could think about was the bar exam.

 

She tends to deal with insecurities and has never fully trusted me. She constantly accused me of cheating on her in the first few months when she'd see me talking to other girls on social media who I had known for years and years and never dated. She'd get angry at snap chat too even though I never had done anything wrong. I eventually agreed to stop talking to them and followed through with that.

 

This past week, a girl from Tinder who I had talked to about 7 months ago but never solicited for a date or sex, before I really thought about my current girlfriend as a girlfriend, texted me asking if I had passed the bar. I told her I had and that was the conversation we had, and that was it. I went with my girlfriend to New Orleans for New Years. On the last night, she saw the girls name on my phone and asked who it was, and I told her, and she flipped out and demanded to go through my phone. I told her who she was and what we had said, and she almost dumped he right there, claiming I was cheating on her despite our conversation being pleasantries and me ending it. I even told the girl I had a girlfriend.

 

We fought for almost two days until she finally told me she loved me and wanted a life with me again. She then told me she was basically planning her entire future around me moving closer to her, which might happen, but won't as long as my grandfather, who is 92, is sick. I am the only family he has here and I can't just leave town.

 

I don't know what to do. I am incredibly stressed over this, and she is having tendencies to pit me against my friends to prove to her I am loyal. I love her and I have been nothing but loyal to her for a long time. I am also stressed that she told me she wouldn't stay in the city she's in if she didn't think I was moving there. I don't want that kind of pressure on me.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. I have gone back and forth between breaking up or just trying to make it work, but there are massive issues I have with both of us that she just doesn't want to address.

[melell]

I am going to be blunt.

 

Unfortunately this behavior is very common, and very unhealthy.

Perhaps your girlfriend had previous experiences that planted this seeds, but it doesn't make it ok.

 

As a rule unless you have done something disloyal, you shouldn't be accused. Don't allow yourself to be treated that way, ever.

I highly doubt this person will come to a sudden realization and stop acting/thinking/feeling this way, people don't often do imo.

 

It can't be fun for her either, but regardless, don't continue things without acknowledging that it might get worse.

[tart6245]

I am going to be blunt.

 

Unfortunately this behavior is very common, and very unhealthy.

Perhaps your girlfriend had previous experiences that planted this seeds, but it doesn't make it ok.

 

As a rule unless you have done something disloyal, you shouldn't be accused. Don't allow yourself to be treated that way, ever.

I highly doubt this person will come to a sudden realization and stop acting/thinking/feeling this way, people don't often do imo.

 

It can't be fun for her either, but regardless, don't continue things without acknowledging that it might get worse.

 

Well, I felt bad at how upset she got over me responding to the girl, but I am being completely honest when I say I have never once solicited sex or asked to meet up with anyone since we started dating, and I have turned down girls during the time we have been together when I could have easily cheated and gotten away with it.

 

This has been an issue for a long time with her, and she has a lot of anxiety and other issues, and takes them out on me. I don't think there is a way to fix it aside from breaking up. She claims she wants to work on it, but she never has when we discuss it.

[melell]

Well, I felt bad at how upset she got over me responding to the girl, but I am being completely honest when I say I have never once solicited sex or asked to meet up with anyone since we started dating, and I have turned down girls during the time we have been together when I could have easily cheated and gotten away with it.

 

This has been an issue for a long time with her, and she has a lot of anxiety and other issues, and takes them out on me. I don't think there is a way to fix it aside from breaking up. She claims she wants to work on it, but she never has when we discuss it.

I understand.

People will say plenty of things to justify it, even completely acknowledge it is their problem etc, but even that is muuuch different than changing it.

 

The way I see it is that you shouldn't be trying to give yourself the best chance of happiness that you can, do you see yourself finding that with this person??

 

If I were to proceed in the relationship I would logically expect more of the same...unfortunately.

[tart6245]

I understand.

People will say plenty of things to justify it, even completely acknowledge it is their problem etc, but even that is muuuch different than changing it.

 

The way I see it is that you shouldn't be trying to give yourself the best chance of happiness that you can, do you see yourself finding that with this person??

 

If I were to proceed in the relationship I would logically expect more of the same...unfortunately.

 

It has been the same since we started dating. She used to go out with her friends and whenever she'd drink, she'd start in on me about how awful I was and then apologize the next morning. I'd always forgive her. Now she's stopped going out with her friends when I'm away and relies on me all the time for entertainment, and I'm not sure that's a good thing either.

 

I guess I need to really talk to her about these issues. Whenever I bring it up, she gets defensive and accuses me of things. Maybe I need to write her an email so she has to read it before she can respond.

[melell]

It has been the same since we started dating. She used to go out with her friends and whenever she'd drink, she'd start in on me about how awful I was and then apologize the next morning. I'd always forgive her. Now she's stopped going out with her friends when I'm away and relies on me all the time for entertainment, and I'm not sure that's a good thing either.

 

I guess I need to really talk to her about these issues. Whenever I bring it up, she gets defensive and accuses me of things. Maybe I need to write her an email so she has to read it before she can respond.

You have identified the things you are not ok with, and are trying to resolve them, it is a good thing. I think she is lucky you are willing to try and solve these problems.

 

I would write an email an draw your conclusions from her response.

 

Just remember you shouldn't have to deal with someone relying on you for their happiness, and you shouldn't have to deal with being accused of things.

 

good luck

[d0nnivain]

Examine the evidence. You haven't done anything wrong yet she doesn't trust you. The things she expects you to do to prove your love are unrealistic. You can't drop half the population of the world just to make her happy. Faced with that evidence and your growing unhappiness, you know what you have to do. Put your foot down & if she doesn't stop being ridiculous, walk away.

[tart6245]

My biggest issue now is she's made me feel like I am the bad person. Responding to that girl I hadn't talked to in forever was wrong, but I don't think I did something that reprehensible by just telling them how my exam went.

 

After all, in the past, she has gone out with plenty of guys, but her excuse is they know she has a boyfriend so she's okay. She's refused to stop doing cocaine when I asked her to several times. She even let a girl give her oral sex and acted like it was no big deal.

 

The more I look at this relationship the more I don't understand it. I shouldn't feel like a bad boyfriend. I just spent a ton of money for her to go on vacation New Years Eve and now she's angry I won't turn around and come to see her in 3 days for her birthday. I am interviewing for positions right now at law firms and don't have unlimited income.

 

I guess I will just email her and see how she responds and lay it all out there. I want this to work because we're great when we are together, but I just am not sure she can handle being away, and I have put up with a lot from her.

[d0nnivain]

You told somebody you passed the bar. You didn't ask her to come over for a threesome. You are not the bad person here. However, until you stick up for yourself she will continue to torture you.

[tart6245]

You told somebody you passed the bar. You didn't ask her to come over for a threesome. You are not the bad person here. However, until you stick up for yourself she will continue to torture you.

 

She's told me in the past I am the only guy ever to stand up to her in her life and that's why she loves me, but you're right, I haven't been standing up for myself enough. She's now flipped the page and painted me as a bad person and her as some innocent do-gooder. Because I've always given her the benefit of the doubt, she probably feels that way.

[mariekatie]

Hmm i glanced through some of your old threads. You mentioned meeting another girl last month? Are you sure you didn't cheat on her?

[tart6245]

Hmm i glanced through some of your old threads. You mentioned meeting another girl last month? Are you sure you didn't cheat on her?

 

What? I haven't met any girls since we started dating.. and no, I have not even come close to cheating on her. I've never cheated on anyone in my life.

[mariekatie]

What? I haven't met any girls since we started dating.. and no, I have not even come close to cheating on her. I've never cheated on anyone in my life.

 

I'm sorry i mistaken the year you posted your threads! :/

 

Anyway, what she did is wrong but i do understand why as well. She have been hurt WAY too much in the past i guess.

You're like my ex, you didn't stand up against her & thus causing her to be worst. You need to tell her what is wrong before you eventually just fade away from the relationship. It's suffocating. I used to be like her to my ex and he left me suddenly because he can't take it anymore. I didn't even realise i was that bad till he left.

 

My current guy knew about my issues BUT he will tell me off when i'm wrong. I know he's afraid to lose me but he still stand up for himself & i would snap out of it & realise how ****ty i was.

 

I'm partly like her and i'm sad to admit this fact because it's not healthy. I often plan my schedule around my guy as well & sometimes it makes me needy as we have "nothing to do". Till now, i still plan my schedule around him but i make more efforts not to. You need to talk to her.

[TylerTyrone]

Dump her..she doesn't sound like a keeper....things will only get worse.

If there is no trust, the relationship is doomed to begin with.

[tart6245]

I'm sorry i mistaken the year you posted your threads! :/

 

Anyway, what she did is wrong but i do understand why as well. She have been hurt WAY too much in the past i guess.

You're like my ex, you didn't stand up against her & thus causing her to be worst. You need to tell her what is wrong before you eventually just fade away from the relationship. It's suffocating. I used to be like her to my ex and he left me suddenly because he can't take it anymore. I didn't even realise i was that bad till he left.

 

My current guy knew about my issues BUT he will tell me off when i'm wrong. I know he's afraid to lose me but he still stand up for himself & i would snap out of it & realise how ****ty i was.

 

I'm partly like her and i'm sad to admit this fact because it's not healthy. I often plan my schedule around my guy as well & sometimes it makes me needy as we have "nothing to do". Till now, i still plan my schedule around him but i make more efforts not to. You need to talk to her.

 

It's okay, I was seeing a girl November 2013, far before I met this current girl, maybe that is confusing you.

 

But yes, this isn't healthy at all. I can't be in a relationship where I am never trusted and where the other side always has an excuse for their behavior and never admits fault, and that's all I am getting with this girl. If she does something wrong, she basically shrugs it off and tells me I'm the crazy one.

[preraph]

deleted it myself

[mariekatie]

It's okay, I was seeing a girl November 2013, far before I met this current girl, maybe that is confusing you.

 

But yes, this isn't healthy at all. I can't be in a relationship where I am never trusted and where the other side always has an excuse for their behavior and never admits fault, and that's all I am getting with this girl. If she does something wrong, she basically shrugs it off and tells me I'm the crazy one.

 

Maybe this time you should tell her harshly, tell her everything that you've been afraid to say all along. Tell her that if she don't change it, you're gonna leave. I feel that it's hard because she doesn't even see that she is at fault. She's the crazy one, everyone knows that. I think you deserve better.

 

Communication is the key, especially in a LDR. Just look at everything she done. Just because she had "sex" with a girl, doesn't mean that she's not cheating. She WAS cheating & she keep accusing you of cheating.

 

I admit that i would be super jealous when my bf talks to any girls but i know that is wrong. BUT in your case, you already stopped contacting those girls. I'm pretty sure my bf would had dumped me if i snooped on him, that's always one of the reason why my trust issues is improving, especially when he didn't do anything to betray my trust.

 

Talk to her! good luck!

[tart6245]

The thing is, this girl has never trusted me. I am starting to think I am a fool to think she ever will. I just think that's who she is.

[mariekatie]

The thing is, this girl has never trusted me. I am starting to think I am a fool to think she ever will. I just think that's who she is.

 

Well i'm on the fence about this. In the beginning, i had less trust for my guy. But he knew i had trust issues & have been really patient with me. And slowly i start to trust him more. It wasn't his fault at all but he took the responsibility to help me recover.

 

But for your case, it's obvious that she have an issue. if your mind is already set up, you should just break up with her. It's hard for me to give advice as it will be contradicting as well. I've never left anyone because i'm too forgiving and i just not ruthless enough to do it.

[hoping2heal]

Well, you have been dating less than a year. You are not engaged or married and she is already forcing you to choose between her and your friends to prove your feelings?

 

Hmm, imagine what she is going to harp on you to do if you were to get married.

 

She seems to have the idea that she is the center of the universe and reacts to how everything affects her while not really being considerate of how things affect you. If she can tell you she loves you, then she sure as hell better be capable of thinking about your feelings and your best interest too. Instead, she's part of the "me, me, me" club.

 

Try to communicate with her but if she can't be reasonable now, there's no guarantee she is ever going to "grow" into being so. Rather, she'll probably assume she gets you to dump your friends, pick her over other people, etc. once she can do it anytime she wants.

[tart6245]

I just dont know.

 

Like tonight. Her birthday is this weekend. My best friend from my childhood, who I only get to see twice a year and is essentially my brother, is supposed to come to the city where I live late Saturday for an interview Monday and is staying at my house instead of getting a hotel.

 

Instead of trying to compromise, she is asking me to just leave him a key under the matt when he gets here and come spend the weekend with her. Yes, it's her birthday, but I just spent a ton of money to take her on vacation last week for New Years. She doesn't seem to give me any credit for that. Now I need to figure out how to handle this weekend.

[justwhoiam]

I met a girl about 10 months ago about 200 miles away from me during homecoming at my university. We started talking and eventually went out on Valentines day of 2014

That means you met her around 11 months ago, as it's January now, and you went out with her in February last year.

 

during the summer she loved me, and I told her I did too, but I never really thought about what our relationship was

Odd.

 

She constantly accused me of cheating on her in the first few months when she'd see me talking to other girls on social media

I can't blame her on that. Facts might not speak in your favor.

 

She'd get angry at snap chat too even though I never had done anything wrong

Only you know that. Anyone getting caught tends to claim they didn't do anything anyway (you should know that pretty well), so what worth is your word?

 

a girl from Tinder who I had talked to about 7 months ago but never solicited for a date or sex, before I really thought about my current girlfriend as a girlfriend, texted me asking if I had passed the bar. I told her I had and that was the conversation we had, and that was it. I went with my girlfriend to New Orleans for New Years. On the last night, she saw the girls name on my phone and asked who it was, and I told her, and she flipped out and demanded to go through my phone. I told her who she was and what we had said, and she almost dumped he right there, claiming I was cheating on her despite our conversation being pleasantries and me ending it. I even told the girl I had a girlfriend.

A pretty poor defense. Anybody knows tinder is used to hook up. And that's probably the main reason why you were using it to begin with.

 

1. Did she message you through tinder or did you give her your phone number and she texted you?

2. Do you still have an account with tinder?

3. Is the discovery feature still on?

4. Are new people still liking you?

 

I mean what should a girlfriend do? She's 200 miles away, while you get in touch with girls in your area through a hook-up app. Come on.

 

She then told me she was basically planning her entire future around me moving closer to her, which might happen, but won't as long as my grandfather, who is 92, is sick. I am the only family he has here and I can't just leave town.

a) What about your parents?

b) Where are they?

c) Does your grandfather only have one son/daughter?

d) Does he only have one grandson?

e) Does he live on his own?

 

she is having tendencies to pit me against my friends to prove to her I am loyal

Can you make examples? If she were making you fight on purpose, she'd be evil.

 

I am also stressed that she told me she wouldn't stay in the city she's in if she didn't think I was moving there. I don't want that kind of pressure on me.

People need to make plans and decisions. It sounds as if you're not ready to commit. Not ready to settle down. Be honest with yourself.

 

I felt bad at how upset she got over me responding to the girl, but I am being completely honest when I say I have never once solicited sex or asked to meet up with anyone since we started dating

Sorry, but you're doing it wrong. If you had nothing to hide, in a girl's mind you'd be open about it and tell her. Like: I've been contacted by a girl that liked me on tinder. I told her I have a girlfriend now. (A plus would be you blocked her, but I guess you didn't do that, did you?). But no, you didn't say a word about that, your girlfriend found that out on her own, and that just put you in a bad light.

 

and I have turned down girls during the time we have been together when I could have easily cheated and gotten away with it.

That doesn't make you sound nicer.

 

Now she's stopped going out with her friends when I'm away and relies on me all the time for entertainment, and I'm not sure that's a good thing either.

It got more serious, and that's scary. I guess it's not healthy to stop being in touch with friends or going out with them. But what kind of friends are they anyway? Did she use to end up getting drunk? If that was the case and she stopped the bad habit, you should just be happy and not annoyed. Maybe you love her, but are you in love with her?

 

My biggest issue now is she's made me feel like I am the bad person.

You feel you're right, but that doesn't automatically mean you behaved well.

 

Responding to that girl I hadn't talked to in forever was wrong, but I don't think I did something that reprehensible by just telling them how my exam went.

Again, it's not that. It's the rest I listed above that was wrong. Most girls wouldn't like it. So you'd better face it for what it is.

 

She's refused to stop doing cocaine when I asked her to several times.

Now, that's pretty bad. You wrote "I think she's the one". Is that what you need? Don't underestimate that. Though you might find many doing cocaine in the upper class you're going to be part of.

 

She even let a girl give her oral sex and acted like it was no big deal.

And how did you react to that? Are you OK with her having sex with other people? Do you give her oral? Do you like it?

 

I just spent a ton of money for her to go on vacation New Years Eve and now she's angry I won't turn around and come to see her in 3 days for her birthday

Did she know that being with her on New Year's Eve meant being alone on her birthday? You need to be clear about these things. And she had a right to choose when she wanted to be with you if it was one or the other. That's what a good boyfriend would do. And a good boyfriend would never rub in his girlfriend's face the money he's spent. Nor would he bring that up with anyone else.

 

Her birthday is this weekend. My best friend from my childhood, who I only get to see twice a year and is essentially my brother, is supposed to come to the city where I live late Saturday for an interview Monday and is staying at my house instead of getting a hotel.

 

Instead of trying to compromise, she is asking me to just leave him a key under the matt when he gets here and come spend the weekend with her. Yes, it's her birthday, but I just spent a ton of money to take her on vacation last week for New Years. She doesn't seem to give me any credit for that. Now I need to figure out how to handle this weekend.

Bad planning. That's bad planning. Didn't you know it was her birthday? And when did you know about your friend coming to your house? When did you plan that? Did you completely disregard the fact that your girlfriend's birthday was on that same weekend?

[d0nnivain]

Her birthday is this weekend. My best friend from my childhood, who I only get to see twice a year and is essentially my brother, is supposed to come to the city where I live late Saturday for an interview Monday and is staying at my house instead of getting a hotel.

 

Instead of trying to compromise, she is asking me to just leave him a key under the matt when he gets here and come spend the weekend with her. Yes, it's her birthday, but I just spent a ton of money to take her on vacation last week for New Years. She doesn't seem to give me any credit for that. Now I need to figure out how to handle this weekend.

 

 

No matter what you do, you lose. If you blow off your friend she will know she can manipulate you even more than she already does plus that makes you a lousy friend.

 

 

I would invite her to your house & plan a lovely dinner out Saturday night for the 3 of you. Tell her it's important to you that she get to know your buddy because he is your BFF.

 

 

If that isn't good enough for her, tell her you will celebrate her birthday next weekend.

 

 

She is not going to like this & will blow a gasket. However if you remain calm & just observe her going on and on like a crazy person you will get a good look at the real her. Make a note of how attractive that isn't.

[tart6245]

First of all, my friend's medical school residency interview wasn't planned around her birthday. The medical university doesn't care about her birthday, so it wasn't poor planning on my part, it was just bad luck. All I know is my best friend would never leave me alone if I came to the city where he lives to hang out with a girl, and he was engaged and dated someone far longer than I have dated this girl.

 

I'm going to tell her I won't leave him on his own, offer to come Thursday through Saturday and celebrate Friday night, or invite her here for the weekend. I'm sure she will reject both and tell me I just don't love her, but I'm not going to hurt my friendships for her. It isn't worth it, and if we do break up someday, I'd prefer not to lose her and all my friends because of her.

 

Second, I did talk to her about not being able to spend $700 on New Years Eve and then another $200 on her for her birthday, and at the time, she said New Years was much more important and we didn't need to celebrate her birthday if I came. She, of course, claims she never said that now when I reminded her last night and told me I didn't have to come "if you have better things to do, just stay there and forget me."

 

This is a girl who has had me pay for everything since the first date, and I am at the point where I can't afford to keep paying for her for everything anymore until I get a job.

 

When I express this to her, she ignores it or gets angry. She even promised to help pay for the hotel and cover the gas driving back if I bought the plane ticket (we went to a city close to where her family is, so I flew down and she drove us back), and I ended up paying for the entire hotel and half of the gas along with the plane ticket. She even had me write her a check for $20 because she paid for my dinner one night.

[justwhoiam]

my best friend would never leave me alone if I came to the city where he lives to hang out with a girl

That says it all, in a nutshell. She's nothing more than a girl you hang out with. You just put your foot in your mouth.