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Is he giving up on me?


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My boyfriend of a year lives an hour away from me, we see each other maybe once every other week.

He works full time, and on his days off he is now too tired to come see me.

 

Yesterday he said "It's hard you know. The relationship. Not the relationship. Just trying to get time together"

and I said, "Well I'd be completely fine with it if you just wanted to be friends since it is hard" and he goes "I dont want to think about it right now"

 

A couple hours later he says "What's up bae?" (I hate the term too :lmao:)

Such mixed signals? I thought he was insinuating a break up with what he said. Also, he goes hours without replying to me while he is active on social media :rolleyes: He's no longer romantic or sweet in text messages to me, and he hasn't called me in about two weeks. Thoughts?? I just hate not knowing where we stand.

Edited by Ara-bella
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"Well I'd be completely fine with it if you just wanted to be friends since it is hard".

 

If that is the case, why wouldn't you just stand by that statement and enforce it for yourself knowing that you haven't been happy and content with the relationship? Why are you allowing him dictate the relationship and how you feel?

 

Did you say that because you wanted to provoke fear in him or was that your way of passively trying to find out if he wanted to end it because you don't have the courage to do it yourself?

 

Also, are all your threads since May 2014 about this guy?

Edited by Zahara
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An hour is not an LDR. Many people travel an hour or more just to go to work.

 

Can you go to him once in a while so he's not always the one traveling?

 

He was complaining / lamenting that he didn't have enough time / energy & you immediately took that to be a break up speech when all it was was a desire to spend more time with you.

 

In any relationship the lovely dovey texts & romance cools off. That stuff takes a lot of effort & energy. When the newness wears off & the adrenaline cools so does some of the romance but the lessening of the fairy tale aspects does not mean he no longer cares.

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Zahara, I said that because I wanted to see if he cared at all enough to fight for me. I would be content if we weren't together anymore, although I'd miss him very much.

 

I'm also afraid to end it, I'd never want to live with regret in the future. At least I'd take comfort in knowing it was his decision. Is that weird?

Also yeah they are, we've been through a lot of ups and downs - it must sound absurd.. I tend to overthink things

 

donnivain, Yeah I sometimes do. The reason why I took it that way is because I can tell we are both not happy in this relationship anymore. We don't talk even half as much as we used to, the effort is not there and I feel we're spiraling downward. I guess you're right though and maybe I was jumping to conclusions

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I wanted to see if he cared at all enough to fight for me. I would be content if we weren't together anymore, although I'd miss him very much.

 

You are playing games. You are testing him & then getting mad because he failed some test he didn't know he was taking.

 

Either work with him to fix your relationship or get out but stop playing head games with the poor guy.

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I've tried several times - asking him if I could call him so we could talk it out and he says he's too tired to talk. I just feel like he's beyond the point of trying in this relationship honestly.

I wouldn't play games if I knew where we stood in this. I don't feel as if I'm on solid ground with him and it's scary. He won't tell me how he feels, only thing he has to say is that the relationship is hard, which is why I assumed he wanted out.

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It's really very simple. You say we have to talk. Can I come over tomorrow?

 

Then you go over there & you lay out the problems AND some potential solutions. You can't just go complain. You have to be constructive about fixing whatever is wrong.

 

Right now what is wrong is partly that you don't know where you stand. Tell him that.

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Zahara, I said that because I wanted to see if he cared at all enough to fight for me. I would be content if we weren't together anymore, although I'd miss him very much.

 

But doesn't it say something rather significant when you have to passively provoke to see if someone wants to fight for you? Isn't that a sign that you are in a relationship that isn't making you feel loved and cared for? And this is the guy from all your other threads that has seemed to treat you consistently this way. What do you think is going to change?

 

I'm also afraid to end it, I'd never want to live with regret in the future. At least I'd take comfort in knowing it was his decision. Is that weird?

 

That isn't weird but it sounds like a statement that is made from fear and dependence. Not fear from regret but fear from being alone and lacking the courage to do what's best for you. You'd rather he be in control because you don't have the ability to do so for yourself.

 

Also yeah they are, we've been through a lot of ups and downs - it must sound absurd.. I tend to overthink things

 

In all your threads, his behavior is consistent. Up and down never works. It will always remain up and down. It doesn't get better just because you stay, it just gets worse because it only tears you down little by little and leaves you defeated.

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BF sees you once every two weeks.

 

 

You mention he works full time. What do you work?

 

 

Someone asked why don't you go see him? No answer that I see.

 

 

So, exactly what are you trying to save. Sounds like a pretty minimal relationship.

 

 

BTW he is not tired from working, he is tired from the drama. He probably comes home from work and wants a GF who made some supper and wants to cuddle on the couch with him as he sucks down a pabst blue ribbon. You are not that GF, you are never nearby.

 

 

at the very least, you need to be at his place every weekend.

Edited by spanz1
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In all your threads, his behavior is consistent. Up and down never works. It will always remain up and down. It doesn't get better just because you stay, it just gets worse because it only tears you down little by little and leaves you defeated.

 

 

This ^^^^^

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I work on his days off which are Tuesday and Wednesday so it hardly works out. At this point he seems uninterested in seeing me at all, though.

 

Should I just ask him what he wants to do and if it's worth saving?

Or not cause any stress-inducing drama and just let him be..

I just keep crying because I feel like I know where this is going but there's just never a solid answer.

Edited by Ara-bella
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Should I just ask him what he wants to do and if it's worth saving?

 

I think it's a decision you should be brave enough to make for yourself versus placing all control over you fate in his hands. Is he showing you he wants to save it? His actions are very clear.

 

Or not cause any stress-inducing drama and just let him be..

 

Then you exist in the relationship under his terms and you cannot complain.

 

I just keep crying because I feel like I know where this is going but there's just never a solid answer.

 

The solid answer is you knowing where this is going. You're just too afraid to make a decision and take control of your own fate.

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If you want it to work & you are willing to work for it, talk to him.

 

If you simply are willing to go along with what he wants, just end it because you aren't passionate enough about it.

 

If you want him to change, recognize that probably won't happen & walk away.

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I didn't read all of your threads but I looked through your old threads enough to know this has been going on like this for quite some time and that this has been an ongoing state of affairs.

 

 

I am a guy and let me clue you in on a basic fact about men - guys do not formally break up with women the way women break up or the way that women expect them to.

 

 

Guys don't formally break up with women and call it off like the final buzzer of a ball game. Men just kind of withdrawn over time, stop calling and then just fade away like a fart in the wind. Every now and then during that process they may show up for a booty call or give you a call in the middle of the night some late night nookie when they're bored, lonely or horny but for the most part they stop making any future plans, stop chit-chatting about nothing, stop sharing their thoughts, feelings and experiences and just slowly stop coming around.

 

 

Heck I have a few girls from my younger days 25 years ago that I suppose I am technically still involved with, I just haven't called them in a couple decades. I see on Facebook that they are married and their kids are getting ready to graduate from college
so
I assume they aren't waiting by the phone for me to call any more..

 

 

....and that is what you should do too.

 

 

Stop waiting by the phone (which is a term people my generation used to use when the phone was something that was attached to the wall inside the house and not something we carried everywhere)

 

 

Anyway, stop waiting for him to make any grand declarations and just start moving on with your life (because I assure you, he is moving on with his. )

 

 

Start going out and doing fun things with fun people. If some handsome hunk asks you out for coffee, go for it. If he asks you if you are seeing someone say, "it's complicated" he will know what you mean and will take it from there.

 

 

If your "
BF
" calls after a month of radio silence and wants to come over in the middle of the night, just tell him you are "tired."

 

 

If he wants to have a meeting to formally discuss the terms of your break up, go ahead and hear him out and feel free to add whatever you want to the discussion.

 

 

but my point to all of this is men speak through their actions and behaviors and not through their words. Men break up by not calling and not coming around as opposed to verbally saying, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee."

 

 

My Mamma always used to say, "breaking up is as breaking up does."

 

 

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This post actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the extra insight!!! I'll definitely focus on my life so I won't be as devastated if things end up not working out.

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He said he thinks we should "hang in there" and the best we could do is try. I truly think he just doesn't want to be alone because his feelings for me seem so limited.

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He said he thinks we should "hang in there" and the best we could do is try. I truly think he just doesn't want to be alone because his feelings for me seem so limited.

 

Ara-bella, this is not out of the ordinary though. This has been a pattern in your journey with him. This is nothing new.

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He said he thinks we should "hang in there" and the best we could do is try. I truly think he just doesn't want to be alone because his feelings for me seem so limited.

 

 

 

so do you want to be his loneliness insurance policy or do you want to have a real full-service relationship with someone who feels actual passion for you and wants to be with you?

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....and I want to add one more thing. If you believe in your heart of hearts that he is simply not into you and you are wanting a real relationship and believe your best chance at love is without him and with someone else, you don't need his buy-in and his cooperation and assistance to split up.

 

 

Since he's not really investing anything in to this, he can keep this up indefinitely.

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Maybe he is tired of having a one-sided relationship.

 

 

Doesn't seem that you reciprocate very much.

 

 

Do you expect him to carry the brunt of the relationship work on his back while you do whatever?

 

 

 

I apologize if I am wrong, I don't know your whole back story. But sometimes guys get really tired of being the ones to do all of the heavy lifting in a relationship while their girlfriends just sit back passively.

 

 

I hope that I am wrong but I have noticed that you have "danced" around the question of do you go to see him.

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I think people should tell the truth, man or woman. It is not right to leave someone hanging or guessing.

Edited by Perrier
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Anyone have any thoughts on this long text I plan on sending?

 

 

Everything that I was concerned would happen in this relationship is happening. It seems to be playing out exactly how the first break up went. The slow fade that demonstrated you weren't interested. The first break up was terrible and I remember crying nearly every day. Honestly, I cry now because I'm in a relationship with someone who treats me like a friend. Think about how things have been and wonder if you think I feel cared for or appreciated. I remember in the beginning of this you said I needed to put more effort to work this out so I did. Now, I don't feel like you are. I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive to you being tired, but if you can't cope with the communication levels I hope for and the way you used to when you were truly excited to be with me, I don't know if I can cope with it much longer. I woke up and realized I might be overly caring for, and romanticizing someone who might not see me in the same light at all. I can't stress how much I think you're right for me (again, romanticizing), but definitely not as of late. I believe you stopped caring, and I fear you have stopped caring a long time ago. I've not told you how I've been feeling lately, which is unhappy, to avoid drama and stress, but I think about this very often and I believe I've held it long enough. So please let me go if you choose, you don't seem to care a large deal or invest much of your feelings any longer so it should maybe be easy for you. I won't hate you or dramatically delete you from my life like I once did. I would completely understand. I will grieve, and then I'll be fine, I wont have any hard feelings and I won't regret anything about the last few months. So consider it

 

 

Too dramatic?

(for clarification: we broke up once for two months and he came back saying he had changed and things would be different. The same thing is happening as the first time - distancing etc)

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