Need for either moving on or keeping hope. Long distance major complication.

[Pussnboots72]

Hi all. My nearly 2-1/2 year long distance relationship just ended, but this is the second breakup and we've been slowly breaking up over the last month. We are finally entering the completely no contact stage.

 

Here is my story.

 

I met him in early 2012 in Costa Rica. I was on a trip with some friends and he was on an awards trip for work. It was a chance meeting and it was love at first sight. There was no denying the feeling. Which is how we ended up together.

 

As romantic as this was, there were a lot of complications from the beginning. I was newly separating from my x husband and he had already been divorced for about 3 years. He has 4 kids, one on her own, but sharing custody with his x for the 3 others. I was in the process of moving out and trying to establish a brand new life for myself and my kids. We live about 1500 miles apart ... At least a 12 hour drive or have to fly.

 

Eventually, I moved twice and finally settled into a purchased home within close distance to my x. My x had a hard time letting go and the divorce took some time. Throughout this process, my new boyfriend and I both thought it was too soon for he and I to be together, but he was the stronger one to attempt to try to make it right so he ended our relationship in early 2013 for about 3 weeks. I didn't think we would get back together, but after that period, he said he missed me too much and wanted me back.

 

Things were good for a while, but I had a lot of trust issues because of the first breakup. I think we both did because of the distance and because my divorce was in progress. I met my new boyfriend's kids and x almost right away, before the first break up, but we both knew it would take time before those introductions could take place on my side.

 

Ultimately, he met my kids, my parents, etc. and it was not always easy for folks to accept, but they started to. In the end, he never saw my side of the family as much as I saw his. I went on trips with his kids and x, and we were just getting ready to do the same with my kids before our recent split.

 

Throughout all of this, we were able to see each other quite frequently. He and I both have work from home jobs and can work while on the road so we saw each other just about every 2 weeks... But there were times we went longer.

 

Because of the distance, my recent divorce, our original breakup, I believe mistrust lead to poor communication and an erosion over time. And please forgive me because I am trying to draw conclusions while all of this is still so new. On top of all of this, I think he and I both discovered I am an extrovert and he is an introvert... And it's also caused communication issues. He's been on anti anxiety meds since his divorce and I don't think I ever realized how he handles conflict until just recently. Just to give an example, when I thought we weren't communicating well, I would address the issue head on. Many times he thought there wasn't an issue and would just shut down or not respond. I would do a lot of the talking. Because of his shutdown, there were times I would get very upset because we weren't communicating. These types of arguments started happening more frequently, even when we were together, because the more he shut down the more I became upset. He would end up taking Xanax in some of these cases because he became so upset, but I never knew about it until just recently.

 

So, ultimately, I think these types of communications lead to a break we took at the end of October. And then eventually he said he was deeply inlove with me but we should end it. So we completely ended it just a couple of weeks ago. Didn't speak for a week and then he ended up calling me. He didn't sound good and said he was just trying to keep busy. He was having serious issues with his oldest daughter who is in college and he was still struggling with what he was going to do in his career... I should add here. He attempted to get several promotions in his current company and find a new job outside of his company, but nothing has panned out in the time I've known him. We were both trying to find jobs in the southeast so we could eventually move our families there. When it wasn't looking like he was going to find a job quickly, I stated to propose the idea of me moving closer to his location or us spending weeks at a time in each other's houses. We were pursuing those options, but his job situation has been an issue for him and still is.

 

Anyway, he hadn't removed all of our Facebook pictures or anything and then started poking me again on Facebook. I thought he was really just trying to work through all of his emotions and that he might come back. Then, last Saturday, he changed Facebook and deleted most of our pics and changed his profile to some benign picture. At that point, I unfriended him and just sent him an honest and inquiring message. Letting him know I was confused because although we were broken up, it seemed like he missed me and there might be hope. I just wanted to know once and for all. So... This is what he sent on Sunday and we haven't spoken since.

 

I do miss u. I do still love u, but your reaction earlier this week made me realize I cannot remain in contact with u. When u got upset, all it did was make me hurt more. You getting upset is the exact reason why I didn't want to continue our relationship in the first place. For me to be healthy, I must get away from you, most likely forever. I cannot be around you when you constantly get offended by my words or actions. That is not the right way to live, for either if us. Although we had a lot of great times and memories, I should have never agreed to get back together with you knowing your separation from ... "My xs name" was so new. I knew it was trouble but could not deny the love I have for you. I know now there must be much more than love. In my opinion, you took out his abandonment on you and the girls on me. Maybe I'm wrong on my theory but regardless, we were unhealthy. It's definitely not something that can be sorted out with the distance. I hope someday we can be in touch and our words do not hurt each other. Now is not that time. I do love you and hope you find happiness.

 

I closed it on a positive note and said I would walk away and not cause him hurt any longer... Because I love him.

 

But my question to all... Is... Will time heal these wounds? I almost know the answer and even though my bf says it takes more than love, I still hope some things will fall in place in the universe and our time apart will make us both see how strong our love is. I honestly am afraid I will shut down after a month and cut off my feelings... But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

Obviously, I am just hurting right now and want some reality checks. Comments or similar experiences please...

[Pussnboots72]

Please help if you read my post. Thanks!

[Million.to.1]

i'm sorry you are hurting... Long distance is hard.. especially with kids in the mix. I think it is unfair to uproot them to pursue a relationship anyway.

 

How fresh is your divorce?

 

what was the story with how your marriage fell apart and why does (ex)BF think you are taking it out on him?

[Pussnboots72]

Thanks for responding.

 

You are right with the kids. They are all going through so much. His kids and mine. Mine more with the divorce and his kids are going through various issues. Emotionally and physically. Although some of their issues have now turned out to be ok. Which is good news. Like his one son was being tested for A long term illness and eventually it turned out he didn't have it.

 

My divorce is fresh. Within the last year. We were very much inlove. I knew him for two years and then we got married at the ages of 29 and 31 so we were pretty established. After having two kids, some of the issues in our relationship got worse. He is Italian and much of what he does is with men only and outside of the family. He spent a lot of money and took at least 5 guy trips a year. We had only one family trip a year. After having my girls, he continued with the behavior, especially when they were infants. It just wore me out. I continued to work because he wanted me to. I have a great career, but really wanted to dedicate myself to my family. But I eventually began hardening my heart and our marriage started falling apart for a period of 5 years. Then. That's when I decided to leave and my Costa Rica trip was in the heals of the whole situation.

 

Now. My x realizes everything. Would do anything for me.

 

This could have created abandonment issues with me, but my parents were divorced when I was young so I could attribute my fears to that.

 

Regardless... Part of me believes this wasn't the problem with my bf. I feel like he is attributing our conflict to my fears, and that's partly true, but he should take responsibility for some of his actions causing my fears. It was a two way street. At times, I felt like he was taking his job situation out on me and couldn't enjoy my company when I was visiting him because he received bad news. If I tried to address issues like this with him, he would just shut down and then started saying every argument or conflict like this was a result of my paranoia. There were times I was worried about other women, and I think that resulted from his shutting down. Looking back, he tried a lot of things to reassure me... But then there were times I didn't trust him. It really was a two way street. We both made mistakes. But I don't think he sees he has contributed to any of our issues.

 

I address concerns head on. He doesn't believe there should have been any concerns.

 

I hope that helps explain more.

[justwhoiam]

Where there's no will, there's no way. He decided he doesn't want you anymore. Too bad for him.

 

We've been on the verge of breaking up more than once. It's life. There was tension. Sometimes it resurfaces. How do you handle 6,000+ miles, two families, bad economy, his layoff, his subsequent depression (he was on meds too at a certain point) and other high and lows that life has to offer? We're just human. There have been times when he thought we didn't fit, but it's easy to think that we don't when we're so far away from each other. But then the truth is that we do fit together, we're perfect, despite any logics. We support each other, we're always there for each other even with the distance inbetween, we are like magnets, emotionally, sexually, everything. We both made steps forward to be nearer each other.

 

Anyway, even if he doesn't want you anymore, and you established a good relationship with his kids, don't forget about them. I'd stay in touch with them if they like it. Even for Christmas, for example. If you still love them, give them a present to let them know you still love them. That's what I'd do. But I come from a different culture, I know Americans would probably cut off everything.

[seducelove]

Thanks for responding.

 

You are right with the kids. They are all going through so much. His kids and mine. Mine more with the divorce and his kids are going through various issues. Emotionally and physically. Although some of their issues have now turned out to be ok. Which is good news. Like his one son was being tested for A long term illness and eventually it turned out he didn't have it.

 

My divorce is fresh. Within the last year. We were very much inlove. I knew him for two years and then we got married at the ages of 29 and 31 so we were pretty established. After having two kids, some of the issues in our relationship got worse. He is Italian and much of what he does is with men only and outside of the family. He spent a lot of money and took at least 5 guy trips a year. We had only one family trip a year. After having my girls, he continued with the behavior, especially when they were infants. It just wore me out. I continued to work because he wanted me to. I have a great career, but really wanted to dedicate myself to my family. But I eventually began hardening my heart and our marriage started falling apart for a period of 5 years. Then. That's when I decided to leave and my Costa Rica trip was in the heals of the whole situation.

 

Now. My x realizes everything. Would do anything for me.

 

This could have created abandonment issues with me, but my parents were divorced when I was young so I could attribute my fears to that.

 

Regardless... Part of me believes this wasn't the problem with my bf. I feel like he is attributing our conflict to my fears, and that's partly true, but he should take responsibility for some of his actions causing my fears. It was a two way street. At times, I felt like he was taking his job situation out on me and couldn't enjoy my company when I was visiting him because he received bad news. If I tried to address issues like this with him, he would just shut down and then started saying every argument or conflict like this was a result of my paranoia. There were times I was worried about other women, and I think that resulted from his shutting down. Looking back, he tried a lot of things to reassure me... But then there were times I didn't trust him. It really was a two way street. We both made mistakes. But I don't think he sees he has contributed to any of our issues.

 

I address concerns head on. He doesn't believe there should have been any concerns.

 

I hope that helps explain more.

 

 

 

Hi, well a long distance relationship is surely hard to handle and maintain strong and healthy, but when one of the two decides it's over i think that there is very little you can do about it.

[Maggie4]

I'm new. Was just about to write about my problem, then I started reading yours. There are many similarities. We are also long distance, and he would shut down whenever I am upset with him. I also didn't trust him. Then I broke up with him. Now trying to get him back.

For you, I wonder if you shouldn't have asked him on Saturday. Some people interpret every little thing as confrontation. If you are really incompatible, then he may be right to move on. We don't always fall on love with people who are right for us.

It's true that he also contributed to the problem, but we can only be ourselves. when we change, it is just changing to a better version of ourselves. We can't change our basic nature. If you look at your past relationships, do you think you have been yourself with your bf?

Me and my ex have been broken up for three months now. It takes time.

[Pussnboots72]

Hi All. Thank you so much for the comments. Just writing and sharing in our stories is helping me. For the person going through something similar, obviously my thoughts go out to you and I hope you find peace soon.

 

My ex and I communicated on Thanksgiving throughout the day. He talked about missing me and my kids. He shared pictures of he and his kids sitting around playing games throughout the day. And then we joked around throughout the evening. He texted later saying I must have blocked him from Facebook. I said I didn't. But I did unfriend him. He said he couldn't comment or anything. I said I would check in the morning.

 

The next day, he texted me early in the morning. I took my kids to an amusement park that he had been to previously with his kids. He shared his recommendations and suggestions with me throughout the morning. I then stopped texting. By 10 pm that evening. I returned home and he texted me asking how the day went. All and all, I told him it was a great day and thanked him. I then told him about the parts that were a little old for my kids. He eventually changed his mood and was sorry if his suggestions weren't appropriate. I told him it was fine. To be expected because his kids are older. And my kids had a good time anyway. He seemed upset with himself after a few more texts. I really was taken aback. I was encouraging. I told him his youngest is naturally more mature than my kids because of the dynamics of having all and a lot of older siblings. My kids are in a different environment. He said he was sorry because all he thought of was what his kids would have liked. I told him it was not an issue. I wanted his opinion and I wanted his influence. He didn't respond. In texted him hugs and sweet dreams. And he texted Xoxoxoxoxo. That was Friday and the last I've heard.

[justwhoiam]

You need to rekindle things. And bear the distance won't be easy. It can be done. But it takes two. And it takes patience and constance.

[Pussnboots72]

Thank you for your insights. I am still blogging about this. He and I are still communicating and this week it's been more than usual. I started a new job and he is asking lots of questions about my life. He has been reaching out to me and has told me he loves me, misses me and adores me on several occasions. But we are not back together. I am just going with the flow. Focusing on my health and state of mind, while remaining open to whatever happens happens.