Saying "I love you" First

[sami2005]

I know this is long, but I feel as though everything is relevant. I would very much appreciate any feedback. Thank you for your time.

 

I am 26 (27 in ~1 month), and my boyfriend is 24. We're both college educated, come from loving families, no children, live independently, maintain good jobs, are financially responsible, and physically active/healthy.

 

Prior Relationships: He had 1 HS gf & 1 college gf. He's never just casually dated girls (I'm the 3rd person he's slept with). I've also had 1 HS bf & 1 college bf, but I also casually dated several guys in the short-term (not sex - dating) (online dating + meeting guys while going out - whether at bars or the bookstore).

 

I have only said "I love you" to the 2 men who I was in a bf/gf relationship with. And in hindsight, still believe I loved them. I am an emotional and sentimental creature. Not overly, but I believe life is too short to not be honest with your self and feelings.

 

His experience w/"I love you": His HS gf said it to him, & he said it back (although in hindsight, he believes he did not love her and felt pressured to say it in return). She cheated on him & he wanted to work it out. She eventually broke up with him (dated ~1.5 yrs).

 

Neither his college gf or he said those words in their 3 yr. relationship. He claims he never really saw himself with her, but since it wasn't a "bad" relationship, he thought his feelings could possibly change (in hindsight, he says he realizes this was selfish). She eventually broke up with him, from what I can gather, bc she wanted something "more" (probably "love"). She is now married to a woman though... not sure if that plays any type of factor.

 

In Sep., 2013, he & I began communicating via text, and continued to do so until we officially met in person. I won't get into details about that, but we were "introduced" through mutual friends. We live in different states.

 

In Dec., 2013, he visited family for xmas (near me), and he asked me out. We went out 3x that week, and at the end of the week, he asked me to visit his state for Valentine's Day. We became monogamous/exclusive starting in December, & had the official bf/gf "talk" in Feb. when I visited. In our minds, we agree we've been dating 1 yr.

 

We agreed we'd wait until June, 2015-December, 2015 to discuss moving in. As we don't want to rush, but neither of us obviously wants to do long distance for forever.

 

We text, skype, or call every day, but only get to visit about every 6 weeks due to $ of airfare & the # of vacation days from work. We've met each other's families and have fun together.

 

Let me say that he is wonderful. Treats me lovingly & respectfully. He never hesitates to help me, act selflessly, and make sure I feel special from afar and when with me. I can provide examples, but I feel as though that would just take up space. My point is, he is the kind of man I can promise any girl would want to be with.

 

I realized I loved him this past May. I didn't say anything b/c I know men aren't as emotionally aware of their feelings as we are sometimes, so I was trying to give him time.

 

This past weekend, we were at a wedding for those same mutual friends of ours. Another friend of mine got drunk, pulled him aside and told him that he should tell me how he feels about me, & that you never want to live with regrets. He said he agreed and that he cares for me (I had nothing to do with this).

 

She ended up telling me this, and so the next day, I felt like my only option was to finally have the talk I've been wanting to hold off on.... (because of course I didn't want it to happen like this... I wanted it to be a beautiful moment, not silly he said/she said drama). B/c, all along, a part of me was hoping he hadn't said "ILY" b/c he was just nervous. Suddenly, it didn't seem like that was the reason any more.

 

So, the next day, we sat on my bed and chatted. I was emotional, but calm. He held my hand. I asked him what the difference was btwn caring for someone and loving someone. He said he didn't know. He admitted to not knowing what love means. He admitted to asking people and googling it. He's still not sure. He says he doesn't know that he doesn't NOT love me, but he doesn't know that he does either. He says he cares "deeply" about me. He admitted he wished he was more emotional. That he is envious of those who are, bc it seems a lot easier to navigate through life if you understand your feelings. He says he doesn't remember always being like this, but can't exactly remember when it changed for him. I implied a once during the conversation that he doesn't love me (not dramatically, but it was in relation to what I was trying to express). He stopped me and said, "I didn't say that. I could very well. I don't know if these feelings I have for you are in fact that. It's something I need to figure out."

 

A part of me is telling me to run. Bc a lot of people (esp. those online apparently) seem to think, "if he's not sure by now, he never will know!" But... I'm not sure with this one. He is not the playboy giving me the runaround. He is cautious, accountable and smart. He says when he says it to someone, he wants it to mean that he will be with them for a "very, very long time." I said, some people view "love" as an emotionally loaded word. But some, I think mostly men, view it as something bigger - a word that involves commitment. He said yes, he would agree with that, and that's why he wants to make sure before he says it. He said that part of the reason he is unsure of "forever" is probably due to the distance. I agreed, and said I am not saying I know that I want to marry you. Mainly, also b/c of the distance. I am saying I feel a certain way about you.

 

He thanked me a couple times for being honest and bringing up the conversation. He said he will definitely think about everything we've talked about.

 

Things were a little weird for us the following say (yesterday), but I've tried to resume to normal behavior today. My thing is, as unnatural and painful as it may feel, I am either in this or out. And if I am in, I need to be the same gf he's had - not more distant (no worries, I am not saying "ILY" to him, we're just returning to "normal" & seeing how things evolve).

 

I' m not ready to give up yet... but I do know I am almost 27, and I do know that I want love, a marriage & kids all w/in the next 7-10 years (I didn't say that to him, but he openly talks about wanting a marriage and kids - more so than I talk about it). So, I'm concerned this is my red flag. The other part of me is telling me to relax and don't ruin the best relationship you've had over some words, when they could come, and his actions speak volumes.

 

Lastly, I'm super close w/my dad (who is super smart & rational) & I know he reads people well (businessman for 30+ years). Plus, he knows my bf. My dad wants nothing but the best for me, and he seems to think this is OK. He thinks I should continue to wait and resume as normal.

 

Thoughts/advice? Thank you to everyone.

[LittleTiger]

Hi Sami. I realise this might not be the response you're after but, it's up to you to decide if you want to wait or not.

 

It seems to me that it's not really the 'I love you' words that you need, as much as the long term commitment. Since he is only 24, it's possible you may have to wait a while.

 

Personally, I wouldn't remain in a LDR without a long term commitment but everybody is different.

[sami2005]

Hi Sami. I realise this might not be the response you're after but, it's up to you to decide if you want to wait or not.

 

It seems to me that it's not really the 'I love you' words that you need, as much as the long term commitment. Since he is only 24, it's possible you may have to wait a while.

 

Personally, I wouldn't remain in a LDR without a long term commitment but everybody is different.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Well, he is committed to me in that we're in a monogamous relationship. But, even I am unsure if he is the man I am to marry and have children with. I think that unfortunately, the distance does influence that decision for me. That, and the fact that I was in a 3+ yr relationship before (19-22), and we were LD.... We were planning on getting married and he broke up with me instead. So, I think I am just a bit more cautious about that all that now (shouting from the rooftops that I will marry a man after knowing him 1 yr).

 

You're right, I do need to make a decision. To me, it just seems a little bit less than smart to walk away from a man who, in every other aspect aside from being 100% that I am the one, is great for me. I am not one to believe that there aren't other great guys out there for me, but I will say, I dated A LOT in the 3-4 years I was single lol, and... it was a frightening experience.

 

I guess the "I love you" would comfort me in helping me know we're on the same page somewhat, entering into another year together. Without that, I'm kinda at a loss. To be blunt and vulnerable, I just feel pretty sad. We're still together and trying to resume to normal behavior, but in my psyche, I'm afraid I'm preparing for a break-up that I don't want

 

Thank you for the response... now I'm just rambling....

[tobrieornottobrie]

That's a difficult situation, I think that anyone in your position would be asking the same questions and feeling the same amount of uncertainty. I think it's a good step that you sat down with him and had an open "heart to heart" discussion with him about how you are feeling. Open communication and honesty are crucial in this sort of situation. Do you think that your bf would be open to going through some sort of counseling? Perhaps a professional counselor/therapist would be able to help him work through some of his uncertainty regarding love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Itspointless]

Perhaps you focus to much on some words. In your story it seems like there has been put some pressure on him to say it. On the other hand I never understand that some guys are so flat with their emotions (I am a man). Funnily enough there are also woman who are like that. I woudn't say that it makes life easier to navigate when you are more emotional. There is a big difference between not knowing yourself and having lots of feelings at the forefront: both can be hard in different ways. It might be a insightful to do both a attachment-style test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Some people are due to their upbringing less in contact with there emotions. Certain attachment combinations could cause trouble as their needs are different.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Itspointless

[mariekatie]

For me, commitment is important especially in a LDR. Everything have to be "planned" early. For my LDR, we talk about who would move/do we want kids/future plans/immigration way early in our r/s. We both think it was necessary as we are looking towards long term. I guess both of us are realistic and don't want to waste time. If our values clash, it wouldn't work out in the long run too.

 

As for commitment, my guy was afraid of it as well. We dated half a year before we went official. But when we were only 2-3months, he already said "i love you" to me, he said it first. I guess there's a thin line between loving someone and wanting to commit. If he don't want to commit after 1 year, i think it will take a long time before it happens.

 

I guess you should had talk about this with him before it started. I understand your struggle and i was asking myself "why aint we official yet" but something happen, a blessing in disguise perhaps and we became official. I think sometimes you shouldnt be afraid to "lose" him. Tell him what you want. But don't force him into it.

 

I don't know what's stopping him since you guys had already met up. For my situation, it's kinda similar but the only difference is we didn't meet yet.

If you feel it's wrong, dont be afraid to speak up. If not it will become resentment towards him.

[SunnySide0418]

I think you should decide how much longer you are willing to wait for him to figure out his feelings. I believe love is one of those feelings where it's either there or it's not... the fact that he doesn't know if he loves you means he doesn't IMO.

[LittleTiger]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Well, he is committed to me in that we're in a monogamous relationship. But, even I am unsure if he is the man I am to marry and have children with. I think that unfortunately, the distance does influence that decision for me. That, and the fact that I was in a 3+ yr relationship before (19-22), and we were LD.... We were planning on getting married and he broke up with me instead. So, I think I am just a bit more cautious about that all that now (shouting from the rooftops that I will marry a man after knowing him 1 yr).

 

You're right, I do need to make a decision. To me, it just seems a little bit less than smart to walk away from a man who, in every other aspect aside from being 100% that I am the one, is great for me. I am not one to believe that there aren't other great guys out there for me, but I will say, I dated A LOT in the 3-4 years I was single lol, and... it was a frightening experience.

 

I guess the "I love you" would comfort me in helping me know we're on the same page somewhat, entering into another year together. Without that, I'm kinda at a loss. To be blunt and vulnerable, I just feel pretty sad. We're still together and trying to resume to normal behavior, but in my psyche, I'm afraid I'm preparing for a break-up that I don't want

 

Thank you for the response... now I'm just rambling....

 

I can understand you being reluctant to give up something that seems so special. Perhaps you could give your waiting period a definite time frame - say another six/twelve/eighteen months, or whatever works for you. That way, at least you won't just continue to drift along indefinitely.

 

I've been in a fully committed, very successful, LDR for five years. We're prepared to continue doing this for another ten years if that's how long it takes - but we're past the children/family stage so it's different for us. Even so, I do know we wouldn't have lasted longer than a year or so if we didn't love each other so much and talk about our future so often.

[justwhoiam]

You shouldn't settle for someone who's not in love with you. He cares for you. But when you're in love with someone, you know that.

 

I suggest you break up with him. Maybe it will help him clear his mind and listen to his heart. If he won't look for you, you will know how much you mean to him.