i need to talk to him somehow

[IfiKnewThen]

so heres the story...after feeling neglected and treated poorly by him in contrast to how i thought a man should treat a woman, i finally ended it with him. but still he and i talked everyday as we had, just not me saying things like i love u etc. or me planning a future, etc. he said it tho . that he loved me and wanted a future with me still. i told him i was way too old (which i am but we do over look this to him as an excuse) to not break his spirit and heart on another level because he used to talk of killing himself so much. not because of us but he always felt this was with stresses and life...long b4 i met him and its what made to me strike up a conversation with him to begin with, when he said he wanted to kill him self once in a game. i knew he was distressed. anyway, so i said it was only the age thing. and he tried to convince me the age was up to him not me if i was worried about his feelings on that and that we wanted to show me love and kindness and was sorry he hadnt always expressed it like he should have.

 

just to let u know we never met in person due to us both, having no cars...money for traveling..ups and downs etc. living 100 miles away. paying billing. seaching for homes..u name it. and both with touches of insecurities i am sure. so while i was under a great amount of stress...and i felt i wanted to do right by God and him..i said im ending it as we knew it. i tried to be friends. he said he couldnt it would pian us both too much if any were to meet another. he asked me if i loved him and i told him foolishly i didnt. but he knew i did...even more than i did. because he did know me a lot too even though we didnt talk as much about me as we did him. we played internet games a lot and watched tv together just as some background.

 

lots of his depression with us early on was him worrying to himself..how he couldnt afford to take care of us because he could barely take care of himself financially etc. telling himself he wasnt good enuff. thru the years i really tried to boost that self worth and self esteem in him and i finally did it...or he did it. so now he was finally telling me ...we should meet. and to lets fix this. etc.

 

one day he would say to me..i know u love me , even if your not saying it. he knew b.c i would i would slip call him honey and he would say...see? but i was more mentally detached then b4..since i made a stand to end it. then he started to give up trying and he started bonding with a girl at work who he'd asked questions to and advise on me with. and she had an x boyfriend on their job who he asked permission of him to go on a date with her. when he told me all this one day...(and not trying to get me mad it was innocent how it came out) he was doing a facial on himself and i asked ...going anywhere? because i was thinking if hes so upset or depressed about me and he not being his usually self of crawling in a ball and hibernating any more. he doing a facial. and trust me i didnt want this for him, crawling up in a ball. i know pain wouldnt want that for him. thats not love to expect that. and he was always talking about suicide since the day i met him. having nothing to do with us. he suffers from depression, if i didnt mention that..so this was a red flag indeed. he seems almost semi happy. so i first said thats good ur getting over me and going on a date...he got mad and hung up. so i called him back but all phones were off at date time. and for 2 days after that. so i ended up writing him a letter and called him and said i thought the loved me and said he was waiting for me...but now looks like your on a date. did i meantion to any readers here i still loved him tho i didnt tell him? and when the phones was off for days...my concerned escalated and i told him i thought he was sleeping with her in a message to him. he broken it off in the past too with me a few times and i went right back to him. we speak on the one being LD and so we would get back right away. it would only be for a day or 2 of NC and i knew he was just saying he was ending it because he gets frustrated and mad and acts out a lot..like that. i never really worried as i am now and no one or friend at work was ever in the picture. but in the end he interpreted that as just jealousy. when we finally spoke, by him calling back.

 

so when he finally responded to my texts and all, and email b/c he didnt know i was calling earlier...because he shut all that down and blocked me..., when he finally heard and read everything...he called me up yelling at me saying "what do you want" you dont want me? he said to me.. you didnt and couldnt even say you loved me.

 

i explained i was under deep stress and i do love him and want to go back to the way it was. ( i never broke up with him b4 this) 3 years together. then he said, ( i think im not even sure because i was so upset) that it was jealousy that brought me back to him...nothing more. sighs. and not that i loved him.

 

then i said that wasnt true. i have been wating to tell him. and he admitted he knew i loved him. when he called me i didnt speak of his date, or him having phones off for over 2 days. he never brought it up either nor to reassure me he wasnt in bed with someone or getting closer to them even or just hung out with them all night...... nothing......0. this from a person who would know i would want some reassurance on some minor level even and who tried so hard to get back with me for a month. and acted like he would do anything to heal my heart whatever it took. now this was 100% turn around and he was even yelling at me.

we only talked...or he yelled about...me not loving him this past month or 2 and his thinking im only jealous. then he said he had to go... he didnt call from his home phone he called from his cell. he said he read all the long email from his phone too. and it took him forever.

 

he said hed get back to me. he was on a store and had to leave. he still hasnt . its completely unlike him when hes fearful of losing me. its been 4 days of hell now. i am sacred he's thinking im a jealous person and nothing more...which im not and never have been. and im feeling this has killed his attraction for me and he might want his freedom to not ask about her or get complicated with her in the picture. but i cant be sure hes really with her either. i just dont know. but he works with her too and he always was lonely at work and called me and spoke to me thru-out his work day. he drives.

 

he is a person who wants to get married and i truly believe that. but had no fatith in himself as a provider or something. he used to say i was too good for him. he has a real short temper. he doesnt want to be alone tho. in life who does?

 

i dont believe no contact is the answer here ...in this case it will not heal my heart at this junction in the timeline of things. i cant be doing that. i need contact to heal my heart. ive been down this road b4 and i feel i knew when N/c was instrumental. plus i havent been contacting him since i acted jealous on that date fiasco. when when i wanted to tell him i loved him he said....it wasnt the time to talk. (before his date) and im so upset because i always gave contact to him when he needed it .. good bad or indifferent. it didnt matter how i felt. i never cut him off. not even with a supposed break up on my part this time. never.

 

i was much more of a friend to him than him me. but its ok . he helped me in ways where he didnt have to give. trust me. i cant explain this would take too long. he wasnt obviously from the same background as me as giving goes. but im fearful theres 2 senarios ..either he thinks i really dont care....or he doesnt care anymore. which do u guys think it is? i want to convince him i care by writing an appropriate letter to express that...thats that is not attacking and is more real to who i am then the night i looked like a jealous person. something better than the night of the dating fiasco thing i did that throw him of who i am. although from the last call we had i thought he got a little inkling how much i cared.

 

i dont know. is it that now hes not worried about losing me? or is it that he doesnt think i love him for real anyway.? i always used to show him i love him..before stresses this past month. how do i get to him to open up or talk to me on any level whatsoever or miss me or call and text even a "hi". its so horrible to not have that contact flow with him and be normal as we knew it again. but i cant be complacent ..time runs out faster in a LDR, thank u

 

ps im hoping this makes sense and is clear. im so sad for days on end now that i cant think straight and im even too tried to read this back.

Edited October 29, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for the pain and confusion that you are feeling regarding this relationship. Have the two of you ever considered counseling? The truth is that several "red flags" pop up in my mind as I read your post. What is it that you do want from this relationship? Are you positive that what you have for this man is love and that it isn't loneliness or jealousy? You do understand why he would be confused - don't you? There isn't anything you can do about the fact that he is refusing to contact you. He may need some time to cool down and get his thoughts together. Continuing to push and push when he is not responsive may have the opposite effect then you are hoping for. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[FitChick]

You've never met.

[IfiKnewThen]

goblue wow you were a kind person to have read that not easy to read post. im lucky anyone would read that wall of words. thank you doing that and for your kind and thoughful reply.

i do love him. i am lonely. not jealous. but thought i was doing him a favor for ending it with him. and i dont think i can truly give him what he needs. but i do love him. no doubt. i dont like a lot of things about him. and i dont think he has any real relationship skills. seeing as how i messed things up tho... i dont think i have them either. : )

BUT, i do have empathy and more patience than he has. its a long story but he might not have a true empathy gene in his body. i mean really. im not sure. he has highs and lows and he really seems to battle depression.

when i met him online i was sad and extra sensitive to others sadness and pain. i could empathize. he was at a low point in his life when i met him. he was attractive and lots fun though, and made me feel a live again. he fills a very big void in my life.

he himself was just out of a relationship for a few months. and it helped me to help him and let him know he wasnt alone.

we helped each other. but the bottom line is i felt it had to end. times he too much without empathy and when i had problems i felt i couldnt turn to him and it further drained me.

 

its true that i did re-evaluate things when my heart was crying out for him again. and it just so happened to be at the time he finally trusted me enuff to open up to me to tell me about this new friend of his. i then started to express my feelings because he had been asking me to tell him i loved him for a month straight .

 

i didnt want to say it because...i was trying to stick to just ending it...i was exhausted from so much stress in my life. and when i wasnt giving 24/7 emotionally is when he finally became more respectful to me and attentive. it reminded me how he used to treat me nicer in the beginning.

 

bottom line. i am lonely. i do miss him. i dont want to push...but i dont want to to end up the way it did. on such an ugly note with him reducing me to just being a jealous person and not wanting him. so i was thinking on trying to explain something. let him know he was truly loved at least and missed dearly. anyway i do think i have to learn to help my loneliness. thank u for ur insightful reply. again i pray this makes sense when i hit the send bottom. im so very drained...i cant sit up anymore nor review this

Edited October 31, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[IfiKnewThen]

@fitchick yes thats true. never met him in 3 years. but we each know we really exist. whatever that means. but u know what i mean

[justwhoiam]

You've been talking for years to a man who was not able to travel 100 miles to meet you at least once. So, is he a keeper?

 

Plus, suicidal thoughts. Very negative. Plus, too much gaming and wasting time around. Double negative to me.

 

Let him do his thing with that girl. Go no contact.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi sorry i was away for the weekend and didnt have internet. ty all for responding. im so upset i can barely type at all. i made a typo hes 1000 miles or more away from me. not 100.

 

bottom line of this story. i broke it off. i regret it big time. he tried for 1 month to get me to change my mind. i first told him i didnt love him when he asked me. YES im a jerk and i hate myself it wasnt true. i wasnt playing games. i had reason...so i thought. ok, so then he asked me a few times and i finally said i did but i said it like a robot. we talked everyday still. by the time i was finally out of my MAJOR MAJOR stress i was dealing with ...i wanted to tell him my true feelings. that i really LOVED him..as in IN LOVE. and it was THAT horrible day i i wanted to say he ...i also.was going on a date and i turned him off when i reacted to it apparently. and never got to tell him. NOW i know he had a perfect right to be mad. BUT what i didnt know (because he told me otherwise) was that he wasnt waiting for me and was gonna date. he told me he loved me and was still trying prior to my finding out about her, so i had no reason to think he'd meet someone and vanish all feelings and communication. the night he went on this date i left messages when i thought he didnt come home all night. i didnt hear from him for 2 whole days/ phone blocked or off. so i thought he slept over with her. even if it was cudding. and why wouldnt he . afterall he hasnt had physical sex in 5 years. we were together for 3 years LD . and he thought in his mind i no longer wanted him. then i called him and told him i wanted to be with him the way we were he said u dont want me your just jealous. i tried to explain that wasnt the case. he didnt sound convinced tho by the end of the conversation he told me he really knew i loved him. when i asked him to go back to the way it was he said not now. i think its "not now" because someone else is in the picture and he figures he wants to check it out. but he wont tell me. i then went and wrote him a long email telling him i was wrong and dont blame him and that im not giving him ultimatums. and that i wish he was still my man again. i dont hear from him. (this is NOT like him). then i write trick or treat happy Halloween and it isnt till the next day he text me "you too". thats it. when a man is into u he calls ...write...smoke signals something ..especially when he wanted u back so bad and seemed so changed. but when i hurt him bad and he tells me i destroyed him and he tells me F U for making me stopping thinking of us" the night of his date. im thinking i am sunk now and why go with me when i talked him out of us for a month prior...even stupidily told him i was tooo old for him. i not am devastated. i cant eat...think...sleep....or see straight. i seriously cant see straight my vision is effected. i feel im major cut off. i want to ask him to just tell me if i should move on. but i fear, because i wouldnt answer all of his questions when he wanted me too, that he wont tell me where i stand now in his life. however i tried to and spoke to him daily and called him and answered all of his calls, when he needed me there. whereas he just cut me off completely. i want him back . i love him. i want to fix this or need closure and truth. thanks what do i do to get his attention to talk to me again ...and open up. hes been bipolar like in the past 3 years ....and doesnt like to talk ..as men dont usually..and being mad at me...and probably having a girl to date now..i just dont know where i stand and cant think anymore. need answers what do i say to him. i pray this makes sense again. im tired and really at a low point.

im convinced he has a person making him stronger to stay away from me.. he acts like i dont exist anymore. please tell me what to text or write to him. because the mere words "you too" said to me in 8 days is horrible and maddening. and i want him back and never wanted him to leave and i love him and want to express it. without making him more mad or scaring him . i dont want them to bond and i go N/C and hope he calls. hes been shown no love for 1 month...no contact would be deadly now as far as killing this further. he needs to know hes loved and will he even care if someone is int he picture?

Edited November 3, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[justwhoiam]

Do you seriously want to run after him?

 

If he loves you, even a tiny bit, he will be back. If he won't be back, then you'll know what you mean to him. I'm sorry for being brutal, but it's time you start seeing the whole thing with different eyes.

[IfiKnewThen]

ty for replying. ugh i meant he was going on a date not me. im trying earnestly to contact him now. i feel hes dating someone and i need closure and a dialog with him of some kind. i pray i get some answers. *

[IfiKnewThen]

hi justwhoiam : ) ty again for ur input. i do appreciate the time it took to read this. i have to say....when i broke it off with him. he fought for me. he did come back. but i really gave him reason to think i would NEVER be with him again. it was during that time he opened up to her. and he hasnt bothered with me at all. except to txt me the words "you too" ...in total now of near 11 days now. this is NOT like how he acts. this is so horrible. i cant eat and sleep. all i do is think of him and how i can fix this mess. if it can be fixed. i pray he calls. i pray for answers and i wish, for anything positive to happen to heal this pain and loss.

[justwhoiam]

My dear,

 

Some more honest reply. I am not willing to support what you are doing.

 

I understand you're desperate, and it shows. You opened the same thread in 4 different forums of this board. And it's not allowed nor tolerated.

 

You are pining for some guy you've never met, who is 18 years younger than you, who likes smoking pot and gaming all day long, and bipolar (according to you, not sure if he has an official diagnose). What the heck were you expecting from all this? A lovely romantic fairy tale??

 

You made up your own movie with him in your head. He moved on. He's pursuing local girls, and I guess it can only be a good thing for him, if he does. Because his past lifestyle was not healthy. And what could you have offered?

 

Also, you wrote you don't have a job and you were living on your own. That means that - apparently - there was nothing keeping you where you are currently at. If you really wanted to date him, you could have moved where he's at and started dating him.

 

Please stop thinking of him. You've become unhealthily obsessive.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi just seeing your post now just who. yeah i didnt know what was the appropriate place to put this at...LDR, break up, etc. and thank u for ur reply btw : )

 

i have a child, who is older now of course with medical issues and thats why i didnt move. plus i didnt meet him. no one would do something radical without meeting anyone. i am a rational person. its why i didnt move fast or totally forward with him , plus all the reasons i posted 100 times b4.

 

however i know he loved me and the feeling was mutual. we have a very real relationship...though from afar for 3 years. the oNLY thing we didnt get to do was kiss and hug in person...etc. but we always spent days and hours on end togther for 3 years. i helped him get out a a major life change and crisis and he did the same for me. he wanted to meet me and marry me. period.

 

but he was just getting on his feet again financially and he was trepid about moving too fast too after a very bad and painful break -up where the girl he was with and lived with walked out in the middle of the night on him and left all her belongings behind. she cheated on him....had a child with him 4 years prior...didnt tell him about. this story runs deep. we are def not 2 immature children who got all dreamy online and live in a fairy tale like one poster kinda acted and i do not need counseling. what i know i need is to tell himt he truth that is WASNti the age that concerned me. he felt like if i was worried about that like i told him i was and said was the reason i was ending it...he said "i can NOT change ur age and that will always bother u" like we were then sunk because he cant fix age. when in fact it wasn't the age. it was major stress i was under and i couldn't deal with him at the time and his depression and i did a profoundly stupid thing and move i regret to the core. i dont want to break if off i MADE a BIG mistake and i can only hope and pray ot can be fixed and we can meet. thats all i want. i dont want to play games or do NO contact. now is the time to tell him the truth of it and let him decided. it may be too late. i get that. but i wanted any tips of how i can communicate with him on ANY level. thank u

Edited November 4, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[Zahara]

i am a rational person. its why i didnt move fast or totally forward with him , plus all the reasons i posted 100 times b4.

 

You're not a rational person. A rational person doesn't spend 3 years of their life on someone they've never met. At some point you realize that you're getting zero return, unless a relationship to you means one over technology. I believe you've been hiding behind this facade because it's much easier than having to deal head on with your issues.

 

however i know he loved me and the feeling was mutual. we have a very real relationship...though from afar for 3 years. the oNLY thing we didnt get to do was kiss and hug in person...etc. but we always spent days and hours on end togther for 3 years. i helped him get out a a major life change and crisis and he did the same for me. he wanted to meet me and marry me. period.

 

And after awhile, it gets old. It gets boring. There is no more incentive to keep hanging over a phone when there are women out there that he can touch, kiss, hug, hold, have sex with. I'm not sure why you see it realistic that just because you've spent 3 years supporting this man that he's going to be bound to you forever. After awhile, this sort of arrangement becomes difficult to sustain. Let's be real. I can't even imagine that he hasn't been with another woman for 3 years of his life. And don't tell me he's loyal to you because he's says so and because he hangs on the phone/skype with you.

 

but he was just getting on his feet again financially and he was trepid about moving too fast too after a very bad and painful break -up where the girl he was with and lived with walked out in the middle of the night on him and left all her belongings behind. she cheated on him....had a child with him 4 years prior...didnt tell him about. this story runs deep.

 

What has that got to do with two people in an LDR for 3 years having never met?

 

we are def not 2 immature children who got all dreamy online and live in a fairy tale like one poster kinda acted and i do not need counseling.

 

It is a fairy tale. It is an image you have created in your mind. An attachment you've made to him virtually. Granted you've developed feelings to him but the situation isn't realistic.

 

i dont want to play games or do NO contact. now is the time to tell him the truth of it and let him decided. it may be too late. i get that. but i wanted any tips of how i can communicate with him on ANY level. thank u

 

I believe you already told him 9 days ago that you want to be back with him, and he ignored it -- that is your answer. Stop chasing this man.

[d0nnivain]

Over the course of 3 years you have never managed to meet. You say he's 100 miles away but in another post you say that was a typo & he's 1,000 miles away. You mention a number of obstacles that will prevent you from ever meeting: including money & health reasons.

 

Its unrealistic to hold onto this dream because you & he will never be a couple in real life.

 

You also admit that he didn't treat you well.

 

Now a few days into your "breakup" you are having a version of buyer's remorse. The idea of never speaking with him again feels overwhelming but fight through it & it will abate. Once you are fully clear of him which should take about a month or two then you can truly start to heal. At that point you will be ready to find somebody locally who can provide you will a more fulfilling relationship.

[IfiKnewThen]

thank u for writing back all. thank u guys

 

i have to make this real clear. i sux hard core at typing. i made a typo. when i said 100 miles it was 1,000. i have been trying to say that so many times since. i guess u missed that post. i know i wrote alot. easy to miss. but YES ..typo. its 1000 miles.

 

this disability is so damn challenging. he and i never really text much or wrote to each other. because i sux so bad at typing. this stuff take me forever ...and having not eaten or sleeping and crying from grief...its even more of a challenge.

 

you all make sense. especially that i told him 9 days ago how i felt. i get that. but he didnt seem to believe it ...or maybe he didnt want to believe it anymore...OR maybe he was meaning it like this when he said to me :YOU DONT WANT ME. maybe he meant "you didnt seem to want me. its what i believed, and now im dating and you cant make me feel bad or barge back into my life" (disclaimer here: im not doing that but he could have thought that)

 

 

so i am trying to get to the bottom of and and let him know ...i DO WANT HIM. LETS meet etc. first off i was the one wanting to meet. he was scared at first and didnt have the money. i mean really didnt have the money all.

 

NO ONE in GODS country wants this and NOT to meet. NOT even us. but it was what it was all this time. and PLEASE i beg you not to forget he struggled with depression. but yeah he should have made the effort. and so when i said i dont want to go on with him. he FINALLY looked up plane fairs. ran to work........made more money.......and and called me and said lets meet. i will come to u. i turned him down like a fool. he begged me to meet and keep the promise to at least meet to see if this can be. and i broke that promise. because i was now depressed. and stressed in my life and i couldnt take him at that moment in time. but i just needed to step back. and i have its been a few weeks am i am ready to go forward. meanwhile he saw it as off and left me behind looks like. ugh its maddening i just want the contact . hes done. tell me. or let me tell him who much i love him and dont care about our stupid obstacle and go for the gusto and just fix this and meet.

[Zahara]

Then contact him. Do what you need to do.

 

This is going in circles. I don't think anything we are saying makes a difference because you want what you want.

 

Put your thoughts out to him and get it over and done with.

[IfiKnewThen]

i just dont know what thoughts to put out there so i have text him to pls call. but now see his cell phone is off. he pre-pays and maybe doesnt have the money or maybe he knows i am texting and wants to get another phone? or number now?

 

wow he must really want this other person? huh?

 

so if he wont call i can try to write but his internet might be off too from not making a bill...who knows.

 

likely hes just ignoring me.

 

but if i wrote ..what do i say? is the question?

 

so do i say...i lied about the age thing. i was stressed when i said it and didnt have a good excuse. so to get away from all stresses in my life i told u that? thats the truth but he may hate me more for it.

 

do i say i love and want you? will that make him run now b/c he wants her. or will he believe me. and that is NOT jealousy and he wont get hurt again? how do i approach this last letter to him. for any hope in fixing this or at least expressing myself. and as i told u i hate typing and im not seeming to really get my point across write. i dont want to mess this up more.

Edited November 4, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[Zahara]

but if i wrote ..what do i say? is the question?

 

I do not know what you say.

 

so do i say...i lied about the age thing. i was stressed when i said it and didnt have a good excuse. so to get away from all stresses in my life i told u that? thats the truth but he may hate me more for it.

 

All this immature game playing, insecure, round the bend drama is for you to figure out and resolve with him.

 

do i say i love and want you? will that make him run now b/c he wants her. or will he believe me. and that is NOT jealousy and he wont get hurt again? how do i approach this last letter to him. for any hope in fixing this or at least expressing myself. and as i told u i hate typing and im not seeming to really get my point across write. i dont want to mess this up more.

 

Just be honest and upfront. If a man wants you, regardless of what/how you say it, he'll be with you.

[d0nnivain]

Since you are committed to reaching out one last time try something along the lines of

 

I'm so sorry this has gotten out of hand. It's scary & getting expensive & it's real. I like you & I need you in my life. I was a fool to not immediately be thrilled when you said you wanted to buy a ticket to fly here so we could meet. I worry that my disability may be off putting to you IRL but I would love to meet. Please let's try to repair this. When do you think would be a good time for you to come?

[Zahara]

Since you are committed to reaching out one last time try something along the lines of

 

I'm so sorry this has gotten out of hand. It's scary & getting expensive & it's real. I like you & I need you in my life. I was a fool to not immediately be thrilled when you said you wanted to buy a ticket to fly here so we could meet. I worry that my disability may be off putting to you IRL but I would love to meet. Please let's try to repair this. When do you think would be a good time for you to come?

 

OP, this is perfect.

[IfiKnewThen]

this is all good. thank u both. for the time. the effort. for receiving and taking in what i'm writing here. for analyzing it. and putting yourselves into it. im sorry to have frustrated anyone. i am deeply frustrated myself.

 

i dont think there is much hope. or any hope. but i wanted to try and to at least have him call and give me what i call closure. to have been left up in the air 9 days ago with nothing. even if he says....its over. or i haven't decided. or i need space. i will get back to u. but this? nothing. is so horrible. and even if its supposed to speak volumes. i need HIM to speak. not guessing games. or indifference.

 

he seems to obviously be happy and have moved on. i think hes feeling guilty because he does know i love him and in the end said he knew. the thing he kept saying was YOU DONT WANT me. like i love him but dont want him and have NO plans to be with him and thats just not true. i was confused. in the muck of my personal stresses. so thank u. i will let him know somehow ..how i really feel. i just wanted to say it to him. not type it. i tried to just give him a subtle clue in a two liner email i wrote him. before i saw this.

 

i wonder if he knew i will see him now if he would want to. just like wwhat happened to himw ith me. or so i made him feel