I need some guidance

[snowydove]

Hello, I just joined here now because I need someone to talk too or Im just going to lose my mind. over two years ago I got involved in a friendship with a married man from Pakistan who lives in another country for work. We fell in love very hard and have spent every day morning and night together since we met literally. The bad part is a year ago I discovered that he had put his profile back up on the site where we had met, I confronted him and ended it and he worked all day to get me back to him. We moved forward. Then one day on his google plus page, I found he had added a woman and he told me this long story about her being a friend of his at work that was a man, well I checked her page, and she is a woman with a net business so I asked him again, he still insists its a man so then we moved forward and then one day while showing me his phone, I saw another woman's name on there and I flipped out on him and he said that she has nothing to do with us and that it was just one thing after another of stories. He did delete his google plus page and did delete his contacts. But the point is when I have asked him in the past so many times why he did things or what his reason was or what was wrong with me, I get no answers, he dodges and diverts and the one day not long ago when I asked him if he was talking with any other women, his response was "well how do I know you aren't talking with someone else"? He always diverts and dodges, he never answers a question with a straight answer and now I feel like all Ive done is play the fool all this time and I feel used and hurt and stupid honestly. I feel like all ive done is replace the wife and now am in her shoes. I have met her on video and we get along great, he has even introduced me to his entire family especially his daughter who is his pride and joy. And all I can think was why introduce me to everyone if all he was ever going to do was cheat on me.

Being without him for any length of time hurts like hell so badly that i can't breathe and I need help from someone to break this cycle so i can walk away from this without it literally killing me. I love him so much.......and my heart is very much tied to him and I don't know what to do or even how to leave when I love someone this much.

[cerridwen]

Wait.

I don't understand.

His entire family knows about you and your being his mistress?

Including his wife?

 

Or were you introduced to them in some other capacity?

[snowydove]

yes his whole family knows. Ive been introduced to his brother his sister in law, his mother, his other sisters, his wife, his daughter his sons. all of it and yes they all know he's in love with me.

[snowydove]

and last night something was bothering him about one of his relatives and he wouldn't talk to me about it and said he would share it with me in the morning and be with me this morning and he's not and I feel like Im going to break in pieces. this is how badly he affects me and Im tired of crying like this

[cerridwen]

Okay. Got it.

So culturally it's acceptable where you are. Thanks for helping me understand.

 

So, honestly, I don't know how to advise you.

This sounds like a question better fielded in the OW/OM forum or the Cheating forum.

Because your dilemna is less about long-distance and more about unfaithfulness.

You can ask the Moderators to move your question to either forum, since cross-posting isnt permitted.

 

Good luck.

And Im sorry for your pain.

[evanescentworld]

Why did he cheat on you?

Because he can.

 

He cheated on his wife, with you, and as that is apparently completely acceptable to his whole family - including his wife - then why should his cheating on you be any different?

 

In his eyes, it's not cheating.

It's doing what he wants, when he wants, with the blessing of everyone else.

 

Except you.

 

Forgive me if I sound blunt, but, given everything you have told us, what makes you think you have any entitlement to his fidelity?

As things stand, you have no entitlement.

You are one of some, possibly of many.

 

Just because you give heart, love, life & soul to this man, there is no guarantee, or even assumption that he feels you deserve the same form him.

 

So, you have a choice:

 

Either free your heart and find a man who will be exclusively faithful to you, or stay with this man, with the full knowledge and understanding that he is not the kind of man who can remain with one woman.

 

If he were, it would be his wife - not you.

[snowydove]

This has been a long distance relationship for a long time now. I was hurting when he met me and I feel like I let myself get hurt again. You are right, I shouldn't expect anything but the same. I always had told him words never mattered to me as much as actions did. Someone can tell you anything but its what they do that really shows you where you stand in their life. I guess now my problem is how to do this my way so that he can't play the victim.

[snowydove]

And I just want to say thank you also for answering me at least. I lost my best friend to cancer two weeks ago and that has made my life even harder not having anyone to reach out and talk too. I have felt like I couldn't go on another day. All of this has been really hard on me.

[evanescentworld]

This has been a long distance relationship for a long time now. I was hurting when he met me and I feel like I let myself get hurt again. You are right, I shouldn't expect anything but the same. I always had told him words never mattered to me as much as actions did. Someone can tell you anything but its what they do that really shows you where you stand in their life. I guess now my problem is how to do this my way so that he can't play the victim.

It's going to rip your already broken heart to shreds, but - the only way you can survive this with your dignity intact, is to completely disappear and cut him off at the knees.

 

Frankly, it little matters how he plays it. Of course, being the selfish lothario he is, he will naturally seek sympathy and understanding from those who appear to tacitly condone and support his attitude and behaviour.

 

But you need to not give a fig about that. So what if he plays the victim? More fool them for falling for it. Let him do what he likes.

You need to look to yourself, care for yourself, and just get on with your life, and refuse to be drawn back in and sucked into an existence which you know has - and will - make you feel wretched, miserable, unvalued, unloved, used and optional.

 

And I just want to say thank you also for answering me at least. I lost my best friend to cancer two weeks ago and that has made my life even harder not having anyone to reach out and talk too. I have felt like I couldn't go on another day. All of this has been really hard on me.

 

I'm very very sorry for your loss. THose are easy words to say, but I DO feel for you. Although it isn't recent, I was with my dad when he passed away, and surely, a little flame goes out in our lives. I hope you manage to come to terms with your sadness, and be happy at least for the friendship you had.

 

I'm sure your friend would tell you to not be a push-over to this guy, and while of course, I wouldn't dream to presume to be in her shoes, I feel sure we'd see eye to eye on this, for you.

Be strong, and do not let this man chew your heart up and spit it out. It's far too valuable to be treated in that way.

 

You deserve much better, for the love you are willing to give.

 

With much Metta to you.

[snowydove]

Thank you sooooooo much for your words really, I mean it. Thank you....you are a really good person I can see that much in you.

[FairyTale33]

Dear snowydove,

 

I am in long distance relationship with married man also,i am not going to talk about details here but in such cases we need to ask ourselves frankly, are we in love? ok perfect, our partner do love us or not? yes he does! ok great , the question here is what next? what does this Pakistani man want from you? just having some nice time online then one day he will say good bye to you or he tend to waste your life and feelings on keyboards and cams!

 

How come you say he introduced you to his wife as lover? I cant understand this and it is not about culture! what kind of woman would ever agree with this, I guess he told them you are just a friend!

 

The man I love plan to invite me to his country and let me meet his family and he asked me if I would like to meet his wife or I would be upset so after long thinking I told him I don't mind ,but of course he will introduce me as a friend (he didn't say that to me but it is understood!) he cares about her feelings and this is actually part of why I do trust him,because he respects his wife evenif he is not happy at all with her.

 

please cheer up and be strong, if you need any help,i would be happy to share thoughts with you anytime

[justwhoiam]

In Pakistan, polygamy is legal. For men only, as far as I know.

 

So that means that he can marry more than a woman, and of course he's supposed to get to know women in order to find the right ones......... so that sort of implies dating women.

 

Anyway, have you ever met this man? It's not clear if this is just some online/virtual relationship.

 

Do you share the same culture/religion? Your profile says you're from Alaska. Not sure if that's real info or a joke. Anyway, I guess that looking for exclusivity with a potentially polygamous man is kind of a lost cause. You'd have more chances of successfully climbing the Himalaya to the top just eating one bar of chocolate (small serving). Just saying.