21st Century Long-Distance Dating Situation...

[paigej91]

I'm navigating an interesting situation to say the least, but it might be more common than I think. It's just that online dating is still taboo to some extent so I wouldn't hear about this kind of situation occurring

 

I was traveling not so long ago to a city near-by comparatively to other destinations I could have chosen (about 350 miles away). While I was on my solo-vacation, I decided to open my Tinder app because I guess I subconsciously wanted to see what my new selection of guys was like and see what might happen. I wasn't thinking very logically but it's harmless. I didn't go on any Tinder dates when I was there. However, I started talking to someone and clicked quite well. I could tell from the moment I saw his profile we had a decent chance.

 

When I got home was around the time the first date would've happened. We kept talking while I was still there and then one day the app said there was over 300 miles of distance between us so he asked about it and I explained that I was traveling/thinking of relocating there so I came to check out some places (which is true).

 

Fast forward a month to today. We are talking all the time every day. We click very well, have the same priorities, passions/interests, and even work in the same field. We both feel like we already know one another. We Skype when we both have the time at night, so I know there's SOME kind of interpersonal chemistry in addition to the texting/photograph attraction. Because of this, I don't feel that our first in-person date/meeting will be awkward the way I've experienced it in the past after great "textual chemistry". The thing is... one of us will be traveling for this and we both really want to make this trip happen because we've been getting along so well.

 

I guess, this really shouldn't be much different than another Tinder guy I'm talking to, but it is because a) he's the best match I've encountered (in 5+ months of using this app) and b) the distance can make not only our first date more significant, but making decisions about what to do next. So in terms of approaching this, are there things we should communicate about before making the trip? (By the way, I'm going to make him come here, just because that's what I personally feel more comfortable with in this context). I've already decided I'm willing to pursue a long-distance relationship of 300 miles if it's mutual and things are as magnificent in-person as they are on Skype/text/social media platforms. But it's a way until we get there. I've been pretty level-headed about this whole thing despite the spectacular chemistry. I'm not head-over heels the way I've gotten in the past from players/douchebags.

Edited October 10, 2014 by paigej91

[cerridwen]

I'm impressed by how grounded you sound, and how much forethought you've given the situation.

 

I suppose I'm wondering what planning has gone into where he'll stay; if you're splitting cost of flights and/or accommodation; and what his expectation is for a future relationship.

I read that you're willing to do a LDR of 300 miles, but for how long? Do you have a timeline for a possible move to the location you were scouting?

Has he communicated specifics on these points too?

 

Things are accelerated in LDRs. So, while it might be too early to discuss such things in a conventional RL, it's not in a LDR.

 

Excited for you! It sounds very promising.

[paigej91]

I'm impressed by how grounded you sound, and how much forethought you've given the situation.

 

I suppose I'm wondering what planning has gone into where he'll stay; if you're splitting cost of flights and/or accommodation; and what his expectation is for a future relationship.

I read that you're willing to do a LDR of 300 miles, but for how long? Do you have a timeline for a possible move to the location you were scouting?

Has he communicated specifics on these points too?

 

Things are accelerated in LDRs. So, while it might be too early to discuss such things in a conventional RL, it's not in a LDR.

 

Excited for you! It sounds very promising.

 

I haven't asked him about what he sees for a future relationship directly yet, which I always think is a necessary talk to have. I wanted to lightly ask him on Skype last night and then it just slipped my mind. I don't know if we'll have the real "talk" until we're in person, though. Would you suggest anything different? I don't have many doubts he's looking for a relationship, but I don't trust instinct when it comes to this topic.

 

I'm actually planning on having him stay at my apartment - obviously I could always change my mind on that if needed, but as of now paying for accommodation doesn't make that much sense if he can just stay here for free. As for costs, we're planning on doing an "every-other" kind-of thing. Luckily travel is fairly cheap between our 2 cities because they're close in comparison to the rest of the country/world.

[justwhoiam]

in terms of approaching this, are there things we should communicate about before making the trip?

Well, I guess so.

I would try to understand the following:

- how much time does he want to devote to this first date?

- what would he like doing?

- is he expecting sex?

- where would he like to stay?

- what is he expecting out of this trip?

- has he done this before? how often?

- is he a morning person? or?

- is he a guy who can be in charge and make decisions or just going with the flow and following you like a puppy?

 

I'm going to make him come here, just because that's what I personally feel more comfortable with[...] I'm actually planning on having him stay at my apartment

In my book, this is slightly worse than taking home some guy you just met at a bar. Because you've talked to the guy at the bar in person for some time and had some kind of close interaction with him. In your case, that would be totally skipped. So you'd be having him home without really knowing him. And then he would have your address and can stalk you, etc. Maybe I'm being paranoid. But hearing about such a wide variety of stories, it just makes sense that a woman is guarded when meeting with a stranger for the first time. There are predators out there, no matter how long you talked to someone on the phone or through a computer screen.

 

I've already decided I'm willing to pursue a long-distance relationship of 300 miles if it's mutual and things are as magnificent in-person as they are on Skype/text/social media platforms.

Typical case of putting the cart before the horse. I sense that you've had your fair amount of daydreaming about this all already.

 

I haven't asked him about what he sees for a future relationship directly yet, which I always think is a necessary talk to have. I wanted to lightly ask him on Skype last night and then it just slipped my mind. I don't know if we'll have the real "talk" until we're in person, though. Would you suggest anything different?

Well, that's probably something I would ask him in person, while talking about the hundred things we'd be talking about. Especially if the trip is going to happen soon.

 

as of now paying for accommodation doesn't make that much sense if he can just stay here for free.

How is it your problem? Wouldn't you want to see how far he's willing to go for you or for this potential relationship? Or are you just planning on providing him with free entertainment and some easy sex?

[paigej91]

Well, I guess so.

I would try to understand the following:

- how much time does he want to devote to this first date?

- what would he like doing?

- is he expecting sex?

- where would he like to stay?

- what is he expecting out of this trip?

- has he done this before? how often?

- is he a morning person? or?

- is he a guy who can be in charge and make decisions or just going with the flow and following you like a puppy?

 

In my book, this is slightly worse than taking home some guy you just met at a bar. Because you've talked to the guy at the bar in person for some time and had some kind of close interaction with him. In your case, that would be totally skipped. So you'd be having him home without really knowing him. And then he would have your address and can stalk you, etc. Maybe I'm being paranoid. But hearing about such a wide variety of stories, it just makes sense that a woman is guarded when meeting with a stranger for the first time. There are predators out there, no matter how long you talked to someone on the phone or through a computer screen.

 

Typical case of putting the cart before the horse. I sense that you've had your fair amount of daydreaming about this all already.

 

You do have some really great points in here and safety is always important when using apps like this. And I do think it's important to establish answers to several of the questions you mentioned even before even solidifying the details of the trip being made. In fact, a few of these I didn't even think of. However, love doesn't always happen in a sequenced order or timeline so I don't really think this is a case of "putting the cart before the horse". I used to think there was a more structured timeline and approach to dating, but I've realized things can just happen and individuals are very different. One size doesn't fit all.

 

How is it your problem? Wouldn't you want to see how far he's willing to go for you or for this potential relationship? Or are you just planning on providing him with free entertainment and some easy sex?

Jumping to the "easy sex" conclusion with slut-shaming language. Hosting someone does not equal sex.

Edited October 13, 2014 by paigej91

[FitChick]

I always make the man stay in a hotel, at least for the first night. If we get along great and there is chemistry, anything could happen!

 

When I'm the one traveling, I've stayed with the man only if he had a house with a guest room and my own bathroom. If we got along great and there was chemistry, anything could happen!

[justwhoiam]

Jumping to the "easy sex" conclusion with slut-shaming language.

No shame if that's what you really want. I just hope you won't be the nth poster coming here to complain about how he's being uninterested/uncaring etc. after the FWB unspoken deal, because there was no deal of any kind beforehand between two people having sex.

 

Since I've been reading threads on here for over 3 years, I can tell that when someone comes to the LDR section of the LS forums, it's because they usually want a LDR or they expect one to happen. Leapfrogging stages or cutting corners rarely helps get you what you want. That said, you're free to do what you want the way you want.

 

Hosting someone does not equal sex.

Not in his mind... if you're not telling him sex is out of the picture, he'll very likely bring condoms. That's a guy's mind.

[paigej91]

No shame if that's what you really want. I just hope you won't be the nth poster coming here to complain about how he's being uninterested/uncaring etc. after the FWB unspoken deal, because there was no deal of any kind beforehand between two people having sex.

 

Since I've been reading threads on here for over 3 years, I can tell that when someone comes to the LDR section of the LS forums, it's because they usually want a LDR or they expect one to happen. Leapfrogging stages or cutting corners rarely helps get you what you want. That said, you're free to do what you want the way you want.

 

Not in his mind... if you're not telling him sex is out of the picture, he'll very likely bring condoms. That's a guy's mind.

 

I made it clearly to him before I made this post that I'm treating it the same way I would as a local first date - likely meaning no sex. Just getting to know each other to see if we click, are compatible in-person, etc. I'm too old to not be blunt about things.

 

What do you mean by "stages"? I don't think love/dating has a universal series of "stages". Sure, there are common things couples might go through, but to have a series of specific stages in mind to go through can just complicate things unnecessarily.

[justwhoiam]

What do you mean by "stages"? I don't think love/dating has a universal series of "stages". Sure, there are common things couples might go through, but to have a series of specific stages in mind to go through can just complicate things unnecessarily.

Any relationship goes through different stages, either we want it or not. It's not something we choose, rather how it naturally develops. Some develop faster, some slower, etc. I didn't have a series of stages in mind. But some might skip some stages, like for instance the "get to know the basics about the other" or "get to know his family" etc. It might sound stupid, but there are people who spend years online and, when faced with this kind of things, they come across as clueless or say "Oh, I never thought of it..."

 

But well, after your last post, it looks like you have clear ideas of what you want. Good luck.

[paigej91]

Any relationship goes through different stages, either we want it or not. It's not something we choose, rather how it naturally develops. Some develop faster, some slower, etc. I didn't have a series of stages in mind. But some might skip some stages, like for instance the "get to know the basics about the other" or "get to know his family" etc. It might sound stupid, but there are people who spend years online and, when faced with this kind of things, they come across as clueless or say "Oh, I never thought of it..."

 

But well, after your last post, it looks like you have clear ideas of what you want. Good luck.

 

They never thought about stages and relationship development you mean? Well, ours has been developing much like it would in-person, minus the physical aspect. We didn't skip over the basic "get-to-know-you" stuff. We're at the point where we talk on Skype before bed maybe 3-4 nights a week. So while I haven't physically met him, it's like we already know each other because of all the Skyping we do (strange, but cool I suppose).

 

I have a clear idea of what I want, I'm just unsure how to navigate this if I want to make it a reality. I'm not sure how practical this is yet - if I relocate in a year (or sooner) like I was planning, then I see a lot of potential, but maybe I shouldn't be thinking so skeptically (after all, it's only about 300 miles). Typically people end up in L-D relationships after having already dated for quite some time. This is a whole different zone. So far there's no one on this thread who has replied who seems to have experience with this kind-of situation so that's unfortunate.

[justwhoiam]

Typically people end up in L-D relationships after having already dated for quite some time. This is a whole different zone. So far there's no one on this thread who has replied who seems to have experience with this kind-of situation so that's unfortunate.

Are you kidding? I think that the kind of LD relationships you're talking about is true for many college students, but statistically - judging from people writing on this board - people first meeting online and then meeting IRL far surpass couples who knew each other in person before embarking in a LDR. Which is your case.

 

The rule is you should at least meet him once before considering a LDR. After the first meeting, you can either cut him off, or keep him as a friend, or start dating him regularly, dating him casually, dating him sporadically, or directly throw yourself in a LDR. We met twice before doing the latter. But we had years of talking online behind us. So every story is different and unique.

 

In your case, as everything's pretty fresh, I would treat it as some casual date for the first meeting. Like you said you'd do with a local date. No less no more. A distance of 300 miles is not much. Most of us in LDRs have thousands miles to fly to see one another. You're in a better place already than most of us.

 

You made it clear to him that you won't have sex with him. That is something I guess you wouldn't normally do while dating someone locally. But I can see how wise it is that you mentioned that, because a guy locally is maybe driving 20 miles, while he would be driving 300 miles already knowing how the night is going to end, so he needs to assess if that's something he feels like doing.

 

I guess a weekend would be OK for a first meeting. You can go out with him Saturday afternoon. If things go well, you can extend it to Saturday night. If there's chemistry, you also meet him the next day, on Sunday. Have plans for a date of just 1.5 hours on Saturday afternoon up to a whole weekend of activities. If things go well, you'd want to make the most of it and see yourself with him in a number of places and in a number of situations.

 

Also, before he leaves, you should know where you stand. Friend? FWB? Potential girlfriend? Many people return home without addressing that and have to face lots of issues afterwards, being kept in a limbo or getting mixed signals.