Long distance and insecurity

[thedills05]

I have written on the forum before, unfortunately in the break up section (if you look up former posts you will see). Long and short, my current gf and I broke up last year, due to her cheating with a uni friend. After around 5 months of virtual no contact, she realised the error of her ways and I decided to give her another chance.

 

Since getting back together, we have had our ups and downs, on the whole though, we have been pretty good. We are now back in a place where we almost function as if nothing bad has ever happened.

 

My reason for coming here is, she has just embarked on her final year of university. In the lead up to this final year and the final 'distance', she was VERY loving and caring. She would be in very regular contact and often tell me how much she missed and loved me, even when only apart for a matter of days.

 

As she is now back at uni, we will most likely only be seeing each other twice a month. My concern atm is, her interest level seems to have plummeted. This is what happened prior to all our problems leading to the cheating incident and break up.

 

She doesn't seem bothered to hear from me, never mentions she loves/ misses me, unless I say so first and rarely calls.

 

This coincides with us not having sex on our last meet up. This is something which has never happened before.

 

Finally, there has been more and more mention of one of her guy friends and how much time she has been spending with him. This is a guy who she previously said she would not allow herself to get close to as he would be likely to 'try it on' with her. I have brought this guy up with her and she said she DOES NOT in any way see him in anything other than a platonic way.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? I recognise that it is her last year at uni now and that there are stresses that go along with this. I also (think I) know that come the end of term, everything will be fine and back to normal. I don't want to go OTT with her and cause a problem where maybe there isnt one.

 

I mean, only 2/3 weeks ago, she had me in her arms and was saying she loved me SO much and was so happy with me.

 

HELP!

[Michelle ma Belle]

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? I recognise that it is her last year at uni now and that there are stresses that go along with this. I also (think I) know that come the end of term, everything will be fine and back to normal. I don't want to go OTT with her and cause a problem where maybe there isnt one.

 

HELP!

 

I can't speak for her but I will tell you that you CAN NOT sustain a LDR and be insecure. It just doesn't work. There is no sugar coating it.

 

You obviously can see there is potential for disaster by your OT so you need to get a grip on things once for all.

 

You either trust in your relationship and in her or you don't. If you don't then why would you white knuckle your way through this next year and drive yourself mad?

 

Until she shows you she can't be trusted, let it go.

 

Good luck.

[thedills05]

Thanks for the reply! I guess, with the fact she did cheat on me last year, I do kinda get a little worried sometimes. She has gone out of her way to regain my trust though. This is a difficult final year for her and she has a lot going on. Thinking from an objective point of view, this is why she isn't in contact so much!

 

So, trust everything is ok until it isn't? I will get working on that !

Edited October 8, 2014 by thedills05

[d0nnivain]

There is so much to do when you are at college. There are always live people to talk to. There's always something going on.

 

You don't have much time for people who aren't right there. It takes an extra effort to make time for them.

 

Since you are home without all of those social outlets you have time on your hands & resent that she's not filling the hours for you. Meanwhile she is off having fun you can't participate in. Fun doesn't mean cheating but it's still time away from you.

 

You have to adjust your expectations to relishing the time you do get & not demanding more than she can give.

[thedills05]

d0nnivain, thanks for your reply. You are absolutely right. She has so much going on and deep down I know that. I just get an incredibly insecure feeling when its like this. It literally dominates my thoughts all day, no matter what I try to do to distract myself. As you can probably Imagine, it becomes very draining.

 

I really need to find ways to focus my thoughts and not end up pushing her away. Difficult stuff!

[d0nnivain]

What do you do for fun when she's not around? Join a sport. Play a game. Go to non-singles meetup groups. Fill your own social calendar & your anxiety will lessen.

[thedills05]

This is the problem atm. I work A LOT and when Im not working, I go to the gym, play rugby and see my mates. i think I just find it hard, going from a situation where she is very full on and in 'I love you' mode to simply appearing distant and not bothered.

 

I think I should find one or two more things to occupy my time!

[umirano]

As she is now back at uni, we will most likely only be seeing each other twice a month. My concern atm is, her interest level seems to have plummeted. This is what happened prior to all our problems leading to the cheating incident and break up.

 

She doesn't seem bothered to hear from me, never mentions she loves/ misses me, unless I say so first and rarely calls.

 

This coincides with us not having sex on our last meet up. This is something which has never happened before.

 

Finally, there has been more and more mention of one of her guy friends and how much time she has been spending with him. This is a guy who she previously said she would not allow herself to get close to as he would be likely to 'try it on' with her. I have brought this guy up with her and she said she DOES NOT in any way see him in anything other than a platonic way.

 

Pretty much what happened in my recent LDR. It didn't work out. The signs were there.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? I recognise that it is her last year at uni now and that there are stresses that go along with this. I also (think I) know that come the end of term, everything will be fine and back to normal. I don't want to go OTT with her and cause a problem where maybe there isnt one.

Where there's smoke, there's fire. The signs you mentioned up post are not to ignore. Why does interest level change so drastically? What are your ages? I think your GF is back at uni and taking time to reconsider everything bc she'll have to decide about her new life once she's done with the semester. A good opportunity to throw out the old BF and find something new cool. Or just let it fade out somehow, hoping you'll get "it".

 

I mean, only 2/3 weeks ago, she had me in her arms and was saying she loved me SO much and was so happy with me.

 

HELP!

 

Nothing unusual, happened in my LDR quite a few times. I could never wrap my head around it, but it made me mad as hell and fncked with my mind a lot. Do you like being treated like that? I've tried to reason with my GF and explained to her in detail how her phases of disappearing made me feel. She could understand this intellectually, I guess, at times, yet it didn't have an effect on her behavior.

 

In the end she realized herself (about 6 months ago) that she was not ready for a RS (serious LDR for the time) and broke up with me just a few days after I took her back from breaking up with her over the 756th episode of vanishing / sketchy behavior. Later she tells me she's seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with depression. Now a lot of things make sense. She was too young, too unstable (familial, psychological, economical problems) and just not in a good enough place to be in a serious RS.

 

I'm actually proud of her now. She has figured out her own problem and started to deal with it. But it was better to end this RS.

 

So... my impression is, you're in a very similar situation with your GF. The behavior that you're describing does not seem to be one that a normal healthy RS would require / result in.

[Frank2thepoint]

My honest opinion. You should of just broken up with her before she left. She cheated on you, and now you will always have that in the back of your mind. You will never fully trust her. I'm not saying this as a way to get back at her, but as a way that benefits both of you.

[justwhoiam]

If my man told me he sees any woman in a "platonic" way, I would ask a lot of questions...... and that's in the best scenario. Maybe it's just that I perceive the word in a different way than Americans... but I would make sure about it. It's something that I definitely wouldn't like.

 

As I see it, platonic is love lacking either sexual desire OR any sexual component. Why sex is out of the question is what one should ask themselves. I mean, if it's just because someone doesn't want to cheat, then IT IS A PROBLEM to me. In better words, if the person were single, it wouldn't be platonic at all. I'll definitely ask him about this.

[thedills05]

Thanks for the replies guys. This weekend was our 5 year anniversary and I found out that she did infact sleep with him (guy from last year) again last weekend. I am truly gobsmacked and heart broken.

 

At the same time, it is kind of a relief to know, as I thought I was going slightly mad and picking up on signs that weren't actually there.

 

It is such a shame that after 5 years, it had to end in this way. I just wish she had the courage to end things in as amicable way as possible, before feeling the need to get back into bed with him again :'(.

[justwhoiam]

she did infact sleep with him (guy from last year) again last weekend.

Sorry to hear this. And when did she sleep with you last time?

[thedills05]

The weekend she slept with him, I visited her and we didn't sleep together. She slept with him, blind drunk, the evening of the day I left.

[justwhoiam]

You didn't answer, but I guess your last post was enough information. Move on for good.

[umirano]

The weekend she slept with him, I visited her and we didn't sleep together. She slept with him, blind drunk, the evening of the day I left.

 

Well, I guess, there's no room for debate anymore...

[thedills05]

Sorry. The last time we had sex was the weekend previous. I don't know why, but part of me wants to sort this. She is truly sorry and constantly contacting to say she is confused and doesn't know what to do. Says she misses me and in no way has any feelings whatsoever for this guy, it was just a big mistake. She isn't eating or sleeping and constantly cries on the phone so I'm.inclined to believe she is truly miserable about this.

 

I've said we both need space to grieve. Where do I go from here? I've recognised that there were faults from me, lack of trust and neediness and have decided to seek the help of a therapist there.

 

But I really don't know what to do. I've had another long term relationship, longer than this one and never felt the regret or concern I feel with this one. It just seems like neither of us can truly let go. Could a little time and space allow us to both see the light? Or is it time to cut her off completely?

[thedills05]

There has been some contact from her over the last week, saying she loves me more than anything or anyone. She wants to be with me now, but worries that in 20/30/40 years we may be incompatible. What on earth am I to do? I have told her to go on and leave me alone but she keeps contacting me. One minute, I am ok with it all and turning my back on things, the next I want to try and make it work. Yet with offers of reconciliation, she says she needs time? How much (if any) time should I give her?

 

She also said earlier that she was looking at engagement rings and got terribly sad. I am so confused right now.

[justwhoiam]

Can you honestly live with her knowing that she can have sex with another man without having feelings for him? Think well about this all.

 

Also, she's giving you clues about how flaky she is, whether she likes it or not. I mean, I guess she's not proud of herself, she just does things that she knows do not make sense. And others might come up. She's telling you she's not sure what she will feel for you in 20 years. You know, when a girl is in love, she doesn't talk that way. So the thing is starting on the wrong foot for me, clearly.

 

She doesn't leave you alone, because you are allowing that. If she writes you, don't answer anymore. If she calls, you pick up the phone and tell her to please not call you anymore, because you need time to heal or to just move on. And if she calls you again, you won't pick anymore, and you can block her number. Give it at least 6 months. Chances are she'll be in someone else's arms in much less than 6 months.

[thedills05]

I stupidly met with her yesterday. We spent all day together having sex and it was like everything was back to normal. We then spent the night together because she couldn't say goodbye.

 

She left this morning in tears, saying she didnt want to leave me. She then text to say "I hope you don't feel used after yesterday". I said that I didn't as long as it helped her with her confusion. She replied " it helped a lot, I know I want to be with you, it just can't work whilst I'm at uni". I simply said to her that if that is the case, we cannot repeat yesterday again ever. She can only see me again if she wants to overcome all the perceived obstacles and make it work. Until then, I will be working on getting over her and I suggest she do the same. I said that this really is goodbye this time.

 

She didn't reply to that text. I'm guessing that even though she may love me and want to be together, that isn't enough.

 

Will I hear from her again? Or should I finally practice what I preach and move on for now and for good?

[Frank2thepoint]

She replied " it helped a lot, I know I want to be with you, it just can't work whilst I'm at uni".

 

Ouch. Isn't it wonderful that people can decide what they want to do with their lives, what to study, what career they want, yet they can't decide if they want to be with the person.

 

 

Will I hear from her again? Or should I finally practice what I preach and move on for now and for good?

 

Her admitting that it won't work while at uni, you can basically assume and insert any location concerning that statement. For example "it won't work while I'm on vacation", "it won't work while I'm at a conference for work", "it won't work while I'm living two hour drive away". Do you see the pattern? There is nothing stopping her from doing what her fickle heart and mind wants to do. The real question is, are you willing to go through all of that, just to have her for a few moments?

[TMichaels]

She then text to say "I hope you don't feel used after yesterday".

 

I suppose the fact that she even brought it up at all means she has a tiny sliver of a conscience, but that's not saying much.

 

Sorry, but that's exactly what happened -- she used you big time, and like she was on some of "catch and release" fishing trip, once she made her catch for the day, she threw you back in the lake.

 

Don't you have any pride?

 

She's self-centered, selfish, and a game-player who gets her jollies by proving to herself she can get what she wants no matter how badly she treats other people.

 

Understand what a bullet you'll be dodging by getting her out of your life once and for all. Block her, change your email/phone number/ messenger accounts so she cannot get a hold of you again. She doesn't deserve you nor one more chance no matter what she says. The sooner you do the happier you'll be and the quicker she'll be able to move on to her next victim.

 

Best,

TMichaels