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I desperately need an advice. I have been in a LDR for about a year and a half now. We live in different countries, about 2 hours by plane. Quick background info: We met through a friend during my summer holiday. We added each other on Facebook, but that was about it at the time. After about 8 months from our initial meeting, we started talking more and having fun, mostly on Skype. We started seeing that this could be more than friendship and after about two months, he asked me out to come and see him and try and see if we could work. Everything was a dream for the first 6 months I'd say. He was very attentive, romantic, would call me few times during the day, write poems, send thousand emojis in every text, cute drawings... I enjoyed all the attention (especially after a few bad breakups in the past) and of course, reciprocated. I am kind and sweet by nature and even more to anyone I have feelings for; I love to make them feel special - I buy and make gifts, leave cute notes, give sincere compliments, act sexy, try to get to know and join their hobbies if I like them... Even before we got the chance to spend some quality time together in person, he said that he just knows I'm the perfect girl for him, we even jokingly planned out our wedding, which he seemed to be serious about (which kind of scared me in the beginning to be honest, it was too early).

 

However, over the course of few more months, things started changing. I noticed that communication is not as sparky as it was and is becoming less and less interesting. Sexting happens one in the blue moon, usually initiated by me. Compliments, 'i love you's and other romantic words and gestures are becoming increasingly rare too and I just have this nagging feeling that he is not even thinking about me that much anymore. I tried voicing my feelings and explaining how I feel, but he says I'm complaining too much, that he's busy with work, that nothing changed and that he loves me as much as before and still has the same plans for the future. He did introduce me to his parents and family as well as dear friends (to my knowledge, I am the first girl he brought home). Yet I can't shake off the feeling of being taken for granted. I think relationships, especially LDRs, have to be maintained with dates, compliments, sweet gestures and expressions of affection often or they quickly become too mundane and fall apart.

 

I tried talking to him over and over about this, he just doesn't seem to understand that I need constant reminder that I am loved and cared for. I appreciate every gift or any deed he's done for me, I know that he does that out of love, but I just need to hear it more often too!

I tried giving him more space and time for other activities he enjoys, then he says I could call first sometimes too and not wait for him to get in touch.

I tried being sexy and flirty more often, instead of complaining. I kind of get shut down with the response "That's nice" or so... It's very hard NOT to nag or complain and act playful, carefree and fun when you're just so unhappy. At this point I just feel unappreciated and not loved.

 

We see each other every 2-4 months and when we're together we don't really have these problems to this extent. We agreed that once I obtain my BA, I would move to be with him. As of recently, I wanted to get a job, which would mean I would not be able to travel and see him this often; he said that I should "focus on myself for now". I just do not know how to interpret that. I love him, trust him and generally like almost everything about him (as opposed to my exes) and think he's a good guy. I just can't help but feel taken for granted, like I'll always be there no matter what. I don't want to lose that spark we had in the beginning.

 

Am I making mistakes that lead him to be like that? Am I overreacting?

Any advice is highly appreciated as I am seriously wondering what to do.

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Look, you guys are college-age, and if you think there's a guy in his twenties alive who's sitting around doing nothing but wishing you were there, then you are very naive. It's a tribute to him that he has spent as much LDR time on you as he has, because guys want sex and it's hard for them to focus on a girl who isn't in front of them over a long period of time. I guarantee you he has found someone or a variety of someones to fill that gap. His telling you to focus on you is his way of telling you that because he isn't just sitting around focusing only on you. You're demanding commitment without even being together. That's just not feasible. You haven't been face to face long enough to even know if what you feel has any basis in reality. It's super easy to idealize someone who isn't in front of you leaving his socks on the floor, not showing up for dates, or hiding his texts from you.

 

Please move on with your life. Don't tell him anything. Just move on. Keep him on the back burner in case he ever materializes. Realize you're both too young to probably be married forever anyway. Go have fun with friends and meet guys. Don't waste your time. At your age, it is too precious to waste. Good luck.

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The Like Fairy

Please move on with your life. Don't tell him anything. Just move on. Keep him on the back burner in case he ever materializes. Realize you're both too young to probably be married forever anyway. Go have fun with friends and meet guys. Don't waste your time. At your age, it is too precious to waste. Good luck.

 

Great advice. By all means, please move on OP. Go no contact. Once you move on, you will meet someone wonderful and be so glad you did.

 

Long distance relationships very rarely work out and are far too often a big waste of TIME TIME TIME and end in heartbreak. Not always, but far too often.

 

You are young. Move on, go out and enjoy life! You never know who you will meet once you free yourself and go no contact. Give it a try, read the No Contact guides here on this site, they are great advice. Good luck :)

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Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy post and put your two cents in! I had been in one LDR a long time ago and I was aware that it wasn't serious at all and that it wouldn't work in the long run. But with this guy I do feel like it could actually work, as crazy as that sounds. I never felt like that about any of the guys I dated, who lived much much closer - I always knew it was going to end somehow and that it can't be 'it'.

 

I'm not delusional, I know guys need sex and all hence why when I am around him I don't let a day go by without some sort of action. I don't want this to come off as bragging or anything, but I know how skillful I am in the bedroom and I know the extra effort you put in pleasing your man pays off. I occasionally send a racy photo here and there just to keep the magic going. He's never been a ladies man, used to receive little to no sex in the past, doesn't even know when someone is coming on to him and despises one night stands. I never once stumbled upon anything suspicious anywhere and he is not hiding any of his devices, accounts (eg. logging out when going to the bathroom or work, not reading texts and answering calls beside me etc) when around me. We usually spend three weeks to a month, month and a half at times together. So I have no doubts or insecurities about all that. And I do have a history of being an insecure mess when it comes to guys that do appear like players and possible cheaters so that's why I think I might be overreacting about this...

 

I just wonder where all the attention I used to receive when we're apart went? I know he cannot be available 24/7 because of work, free time and other things he likes to do but I do think I deserve a bit more time with him.

 

Also, I never mentioned my age, we're in our late 20s, so not that young :p

 

I would love to hear a guy's opinion on this as well!

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Just because he is in his 20s and you are in a LDR doesn't mean he is cheating, at all, nor that your relationship wont work out and it will be a waste of time... I don't know where are they getting those facts from.

 

I'm not very sure what to say to you about your boyfriend's behaviour. Maybe all what is happening is because the honeymoon period is over? It could be a combination of that and that he feels stressed or is too busy. He should, though, make an effort. I understand your point completely, I would be upset as well. You could try to talk to him again, but if at the end nothing changes and you are not happy... You have to do what it's best for you. You deserve someone who tells you he loves you every day.

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I'm not a guy and I don't even know if I can give any advice on this.

 

I'm still working on the male/female different needs... because - let's be honest - we are generally different. I guess it's an on-going process with the other person (your partner), and when one of the two gives up, the relationship can go downhill. I also think that most men do the wooing in order to get you to be with them, but once they won you over, they feel comfortable and believe everything's fine and the relationship is not in danger, they just relax and enjoy what is there to enjoy. I have even been told this. I believe they know pretty well that a plant needs to be watered if they want to keep it alive. It needs light and water. Light and water. So simple. Right? Well, they at times forget about it, or are just lazy. Some learn along the way, growing up. Some stay like that forever, with this on and off pattern and you constantly nagging at them. So I say: if you can have a minimum of romance, go for it. If it's too much of a hassle, let it go. Because when you get married, over the years, it's bound to get 200% worse than what you're seeing. You've been warned.

 

Disclaimer: obviously we are talking about realistic minimum effort not fairytale expectations.

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HeavenOrHell

R/ships are very intense in the first year or two, they are hard to sustain at that level, if they work out they tend to go into a deeper phase, after the honey moon phase.

Even harder to sustain it in a LDR.

It sounds quite one sided with you putting all this effort into it.

It's a bit much to want a constant reminder of now much he loves you, no-one can do that.

It gets harder when you get to 2 years with no end in sight to the distance. Meeting every 2-4 months just isn't enough.

 

 

 

QUOTE=krissbrody;5938652]I desperately need an advice. I have been in a LDR for about a year and a half now. We live in different countries, about 2 hours by plane. Quick background info: We met through a friend during my summer holiday. We added each other on Facebook, but that was about it at the time. After about 8 months from our initial meeting, we started talking more and having fun, mostly on Skype. We started seeing that this could be more than friendship and after about two months, he asked me out to come and see him and try and see if we could work. Everything was a dream for the first 6 months I'd say. He was very attentive, romantic, would call me few times during the day, write poems, send thousand emojis in every text, cute drawings... I enjoyed all the attention (especially after a few bad breakups in the past) and of course, reciprocated. I am kind and sweet by nature and even more to anyone I have feelings for; I love to make them feel special - I buy and make gifts, leave cute notes, give sincere compliments, act sexy, try to get to know and join their hobbies if I like them... Even before we got the chance to spend some quality time together in person, he said that he just knows I'm the perfect girl for him, we even jokingly planned out our wedding, which he seemed to be serious about (which kind of scared me in the beginning to be honest, it was too early).

 

However, over the course of few more months, things started changing. I noticed that communication is not as sparky as it was and is becoming less and less interesting. Sexting happens one in the blue moon, usually initiated by me. Compliments, 'i love you's and other romantic words and gestures are becoming increasingly rare too and I just have this nagging feeling that he is not even thinking about me that much anymore. I tried voicing my feelings and explaining how I feel, but he says I'm complaining too much, that he's busy with work, that nothing changed and that he loves me as much as before and still has the same plans for the future. He did introduce me to his parents and family as well as dear friends (to my knowledge, I am the first girl he brought home). Yet I can't shake off the feeling of being taken for granted. I think relationships, especially LDRs, have to be maintained with dates, compliments, sweet gestures and expressions of affection often or they quickly become too mundane and fall apart.

 

I tried talking to him over and over about this, he just doesn't seem to understand that I need constant reminder that I am loved and cared for. I appreciate every gift or any deed he's done for me, I know that he does that out of love, but I just need to hear it more often too!

I tried giving him more space and time for other activities he enjoys, then he says I could call first sometimes too and not wait for him to get in touch.

I tried being sexy and flirty more often, instead of complaining. I kind of get shut down with the response "That's nice" or so... It's very hard NOT to nag or complain and act playful, carefree and fun when you're just so unhappy. At this point I just feel unappreciated and not loved.

 

We see each other every 2-4 months and when we're together we don't really have these problems to this extent. We agreed that once I obtain my BA, I would move to be with him. As of recently, I wanted to get a job, which would mean I would not be able to travel and see him this often; he said that I should "focus on myself for now". I just do not know how to interpret that. I love him, trust him and generally like almost everything about him (as opposed to my exes) and think he's a good guy. I just can't help but feel taken for granted, like I'll always be there no matter what. I don't want to lose that spark we had in the beginning.

 

Am I making mistakes that lead him to be like that? Am I overreacting?

Any advice is highly appreciated as I am seriously wondering what to do.

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