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Never felt in love like this! Recommendations?


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Hello everyone!

 

This is a very long story, but I'll keep it as short as possible and give you any details if you need them.

 

Last year I lived abroad for 6 months, where I became close friends with a girl. Close to the end of my trip, I fell MADLY in love with her. Earlier this year, she came to my country with another friend, and we met up (they crashed at my place). Right after we said our last goodbyes, as I was about to leave, I turned around and quickly confessed what I feel for her (I told her she would always be the girl of my dreams). Her eyes immediately filled with tears, but I had to leave... so we couldn't talk. After a couple of days she wrote me "don't forget me, you're very special, I'm sorry it has to be this way but distance is not good and I wouldn't like to hurt you".

 

I've given it lots of thought, and talking with lots of people, and we seem to agree that she probably feels something for me too, but is in no way willing to try LD. What do you think? Also, I would be willing to do anything to be with her. What would you do next? What do you think I should do or say or think next?

 

I know I wouldn't like LD either, but I would DEFINITELY go to her country and give it a shot... but I need to be certain.

 

Thanks a lot!

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Thank you very much! So do you think she has feelings for me but just isnt' willing to try long distance? Because if it's that way... I have a very good plan to be with her!

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If it makes you feel any better me and my girlfriend are also in a long distance relationship, she lives on the other side of the country.I'm getting ready to spend a fortune just to see her in December for a week, but I honestly wouldn't want to be with anyone else. If you really like her and have a plan to be with her someday and truly believe she is worth it, then by all means follow your heart and make it possible. The only thing I can say is that this not going to be easy. It's not impossible either if you believe. As people we seek instant gratification, so if you can hold out then it might just work.

 

Good luck

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HeavenOrHell

I think you're getting too carried away, how much time did you actually spend with her? If you spent months with her and she still doesn't want to be in an LDR then at least she is being honest with you.

It's a bit unrealistic to say to her she would always be the girl of your dreams.

Did she have feelings for you, or just friendship?

I don't see any evidence here from what you've said that she thought of you as more than a friend.

Most people would not get into an LDR as they are hard and painful.

It always worries me when people are barely in a r/ship, or actually not in one, and one of them is talking about moving already.

Don't race ahead with enthusiasm which might possibly amount to nothing, give it time instead and see how things go, but as it stands she doesn't sound interested in an LDR, she's told you that.

 

 

Hello everyone!

 

This is a very long story, but I'll keep it as short as possible and give you any details if you need them.

 

Last year I lived abroad for 6 months, where I became close friends with a girl. Close to the end of my trip, I fell MADLY in love with her. Earlier this year, she came to my country with another friend, and we met up (they crashed at my place). Right after we said our last goodbyes, as I was about to leave, I turned around and quickly confessed what I feel for her (I told her she would always be the girl of my dreams). Her eyes immediately filled with tears, but I had to leave... so we couldn't talk. After a couple of days she wrote me "don't forget me, you're very special, I'm sorry it has to be this way but distance is not good and I wouldn't like to hurt you".

 

I've given it lots of thought, and talking with lots of people, and we seem to agree that she probably feels something for me too, but is in no way willing to try LD. What do you think? Also, I would be willing to do anything to be with her. What would you do next? What do you think I should do or say or think next?

 

I know I wouldn't like LD either, but I would DEFINITELY go to her country and give it a shot... but I need to be certain.

 

Thanks a lot!

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First of all, thank you for replying!

 

Now, there are 2 very important things I would like you to take into account and hope you continue to give me your opinion:

 

1) I told you the story in the shortest possible way. For thos 6 months we practically lived together, we saw each other every day, we spent almost every weekend together. I never made a move because I saw her as a friend only, it was only about a couple of weeks before I left that I started having feelings for her. By that time, at the end, on the last night she spent the night with me, lying on my chest and she asked me "do you want me?" I didn't answer because I did not want to fall more in love with her, so she just stayed and slept on my chest the entire night. I know I could've done better. After that, we kept in touch, sending messages everyday for the first month or so, and then about once or twice a week. This year, after I told her she was always going to be the girl of my dreams, she started texting me stuff telling me she wished I lived closer, how much of a comfort I am for her, and she occasionally sends me songs with that are way too suggestive (one of them specifically talked about wanting to be with someone but thinking it's impossible). So I sent her a letter telling her what I felt and asking her to tell me if she felt the same way, then I would find a way to give it a shot. She told me I made her cry, and that she needed time to answer.

 

2) I understand she doesn't want an LDR and i do not want a LDR either. Also, I would not move to her country out of the blue. My plan is to go there to study my master's next year, and then we could give it a shot.

 

Now that you have a better idea, which is still lacking on a lot of details, what do you think I should do? And what do you think she might feel?

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HeavenOrHell

I will try and reply later, sorry if I sound jaded at times, relationship break ups have made me quite jaded the last few years, maybe I now assume too much that things won't work out. I worry that people in LDR's don't realise how hard it is, I've seen so many all excited in the beginning and then reality of the situation sets in.

But I've only been in one (4 year) LDR.

Maybe there is some hope for you.

 

 

 

First of all, thank you for replying!

 

Now, there are 2 very important things I would like you to take into account and hope you continue to give me your opinion:

 

1) I told you the story in the shortest possible way. For thos 6 months we practically lived together, we saw each other every day, we spent almost every weekend together. I never made a move because I saw her as a friend only, it was only about a couple of weeks before I left that I started having feelings for her. By that time, at the end, on the last night she spent the night with me, lying on my chest and she asked me "do you want me?" I didn't answer because I did not want to fall more in love with her, so she just stayed and slept on my chest the entire night. I know I could've done better. After that, we kept in touch, sending messages everyday for the first month or so, and then about once or twice a week. This year, after I told her she was always going to be the girl of my dreams, she started texting me stuff telling me she wished I lived closer, how much of a comfort I am for her, and she occasionally sends me songs with that are way too suggestive (one of them specifically talked about wanting to be with someone but thinking it's impossible). So I sent her a letter telling her what I felt and asking her to tell me if she felt the same way, then I would find a way to give it a shot. She told me I made her cry, and that she needed time to answer.

 

2) I understand she doesn't want an LDR and i do not want a LDR either. Also, I would not move to her country out of the blue. My plan is to go there to study my master's next year, and then we could give it a shot.

 

Now that you have a better idea, which is still lacking on a lot of details, what do you think I should do? And what do you think she might feel?

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Since you previously went to her country for reasons having nothing to do with her because you hadn't met her yet, if she didn't exist, would you go back to her country?

 

If yes, go. Get settled & when you get there, look her up.

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I would really appreciate if you could reply! And don't worry about sounding jaded, I'm looking for the most honest answers. I'm a very pessimistic person, but somehow this whole thing makes me feel quite optimistic... I've talked about it with all my friends who met her when she was here and they all tell me she most likely has feelings for me and not to give up, I've posted in lots of forums and 90% of the times I get the same answer. So pessimistic and more realistic answers help me get down to earth.

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Well... yes and no. This is an interesting detail. My father's side of the family is from the same country as she is, so I have dual nationality (my second nationality being from her country). My sister actually lives there, in another province. I've always liked it better there than where I live. However, I'm pretty sure I would not have the drive and will to go there if it wasn't for her. Also, if I go there I would go to study my master's degree, so we can give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, I finish my master's and return home. If it does, then I could stay. But for me to do this, I would like to know she would like to try! What do you think?

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. But for me to do this, I would like to know she would like to try! What do you think?

 

If you are only going for her, this will end up in disaster because you will pin too much of your happiness on her. That's not fair to her. She's not responsible for you. You will cling to her. She will resent you for it & poof, there goes your happiness & you will be stuck for a while.

 

If you wouldn't go independently, stay home. Think of her as your exotic foreign fling, a great memory that will always put a smile on your face but nothing more.

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I actually agree with you on that one. That's why I haven't told her I plan to do my master's degree there... I do not want to pressure her or to pin too much of my happiness on her, as you said it. That's why it's so important to me to know if she does have feelings for me too, because if she does then I can go for it, for the sake of pursuing someone who makes me feel happy. If she doesn't feel anything for me, I will go do my master's anyways... but maybe not in her country. Something else worth telling you is that we actually have intentions to continue to meet and travel together every year or two, so it's hard for me to just leave it behind. Any suggestions?

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I sent her a letter telling her how I felt, that I would really like to find a way to give it a try because I felt that it could work out very well and asking her if she felt the same and if she would like to try. She told me my letter made her cry and that she would send me a letter with an answer but she needed some time... This is the current status. What do you think of what I did and how she responded? Any recommendations on how to move forward?

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Had you asked me before hand I would have told you not to send the letters. This isn't Victorian England & modern people do not tend to respond well to these overt written declarations. You are already putting too much pressure on her. The fact that she can't answer you immediately tells me she is looking for the right words to let you down gently because you are over the top.

 

My advice was to ask her if she'd date you if you lived closer.

 

These declarations of love and whatever else you told her were too much & now they are backfiring on you.

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I think you might be right! There are only 2 things that don't make sense to me... why would she have cried both times? Why would she send me love songs every now and then? And why would she continue to maintain contact with me as before?

 

Anyways... I did what I felt was right, can't blame a man for trying! Thanks for yiur advice and opinion. If anyone else has advice or opinions I'll appreciate it too!

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She cried because it is the stuff fairy tale romances are made of & it is a beautiful / sweet gesture but that stuff never works out so well IRL.

 

Back off for a while. Power down & then in a few months see where her head is at

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Thank you very much for your interest and honesty! I may seem a bit desperate and it's because I don't know what to do or think. I used to be the kind of guy that laughed at romantic gestures (like letters), and never actually looked for anything more than just quick flings.

 

I'm a master of backing off, and I've ruined some good friendships because I backed off when they told me they wanted to be more than just friends or casual dates. It's just really hard this time, because I actually really wanted this and I really felt like something was going to happen, but I just never acted on it out of fear of getting hurt by distance... So I will try to back off for a while then.

 

Just one more thing... Do you think there's any possibility that she actually would want to be with me but is just absolutely certain that it won't work because of distance and that's what's making her hesitate?

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ThorntonMelon
Just one more thing... Do you think there's any possibility that she actually would want to be with me but is just absolutely certain that it won't work because of distance and that's what's making her hesitate?

 

Sure, it's a possibility. It's also a possibility she's actually an alien from a yet undiscovered planet in the outer solar system.

 

Go with what she's saying. Which is, stripped down, not interested. And as far as tears go - every single person on here has gotten tears from someone before. It means NOTHING. Except you touched an emotional nerve. Very different than being in love with you.

 

Sounds to me like she's a little dramatic and liked the attention but it isn't more than that

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It could be, yes. But I'm almost 100% certain that she's not dramatic or seeking attention, over time you learn to spot these kind of girls and she's definitely not one of them (which is why this is all so confusing). However, I will take it into consideration, because it could actually be true. Thanks!

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what do you think I should do?

First of all, I too think you shouldn't have asked about her feelings in a letter. In fact, now you're left wondering about this and that, etc. You should have asked her in person or on the phone. And keeping it lighter, because at this stage, there's nothing between you two.

Secondly, what to do. I'm no walking oracle. I can only use my knowldge to think of what could possibly work with this girl. But as that's very personal, it may or may not work. There are too many variables involved.

 

So, here's my script.

You put back on your old good friend shoes. Nice, kind, understanding. You stop being too eager. You drop the intense contact back and forth. You take it easy. You answer her calls, if she calls; you answer her texts, if she texts. If she makes no contact at all, then you drop her a text now and then (one in 4 or 5 days is enough or even just once a week, but don't let it be on the same day each time or at the same time). You make no mention of your letter, no talk about feelings, mushy stuff or anything. If she sends links to love songs, you answer: Cool. I like that singer!

You let a few weeks go by like this, while going on with your active city life. Then, towards the end of the month, beginning of next month, indicatively (or when you deem fit, aka when time is ripe), you call her and make sure you are talking to her when she has some time to devote to you. Like: hey, do you have some time, or is this a bad moment to call?

You talk about this and that, you ask her about school etc, and then, in the middle of it, when she least expects it, you catch her off guard: XXX (where XXX is her name), do you have any feelings for me?

And she will have to give you an answer. Leave no room for interpretation, if it's not crystal clear: You know, when you asked me if I wanted you when I was there with you, I was hesitant, because I didn't want it to be a one-night stand. I already had feelings for you. But I'm still not sure if you asked me because you had feelings for me too. Or was it for a different reason? I need to know about this.

See what she says. I know it's very straightforward, but necessary. Also, she had the guts to ask you if you wanted her, now show her you have the balls to ask her all that confidently.

 

And what do you think she might feel?

Hard to tell. I guess she kind of friendzoned you when you showed not to be attracted to her that night you were alone and she asked you if you wanted her. She probably got mixed signals from you. But she put her mind at rest after that incident. Then, she visited her dear buddy and found a guy with a crush on her. Surprise effect. Now, that said, people are weird and come in a variety of different shapes and mindsets, but I would think: how odd is it for a girl to ask a guy if he's attracted to her if she were not in the least into him? Why in the world would she ask? Unless she's some kind of nympho looking for gratification just by anyone around, but how likely would it be? 0.001% chance. So, that tells me something:

1) she imagined herself with you in a sexual way, at some point

2) she was ready to give it some serious thought because she was attracted, but only as long as the attraction was mutual

It didn't happen. It turned out the interest was not mutual. And now, after months, there you go. So now, it just makes sense she's not dropping at your feet.

But all this doesn't tell me if she's still interested or attracted. Months went by, she might have met someone else in the meantime. Though the fact that she traveled with a female friend would make me think that's not the case.

Anyway, now just play it cool.

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Hi justwhoiam!

 

Before anything else, thank you very much for taking the time to go through the entire post and giving me such a detailed and helpful advice and opinion! I want to share a couple more details with you, and hope you'd like to reply and tell me what you think.

 

Now I realise the letter was a bad idea. I would have loved to say it in person, but it wasn't until she left and I talked about it with some of my friends who met her when she visited and told me I was being really stupid for not trying that I realised I was making a mistake. I told her she was the girl of my dreams out of impulse, but I wasn't seriously considering trying something. Then she started texting me things like telling me that she wasn't happy but I make her feel happy, that she wished I lived closer to her, and then the songs... and I started wondering how long it might take me to find someone like her again, if I ever did, and I decided I had to do something. I did it over a letter and not skype because she's a romantic dreamy kind of girl who loves details, and it was her birthday so I sent her a present along with the letter. I thought it was a nice idea, now I see it wasn't.

 

Anyways, I was very careful with the letter. I made sure it wasn't too much; it wasn't one of those cheesy poetry and "I would die without you and your eyes are stars" kind of letter. It was a heartfelt letter where I basically told her how I felt my life was much better when she was there, how I felt it could work out very well if we gave it a shot and I explained how I never acted on it out of fear. Also, I didn't exactly ask her to tell me what she felt, I only told her that I needed to know if she ever thought of me that way because I'd love to try to find a way to give this a shot.

 

I know I MESSED UP when I didn't do anything after she asked me if I wanted her. I seriously regret it. The thing is I had never felt that way before, and, from past experiences, I know what something as simple as a kiss can do to someone who already has feelings... so I was pretty scared. I thought it would all just go away if I gave it time, but it didn't. When I saw her this time, I never even considered giving it a try, since I knew how hard distance can be and that she probably wasn't going to be interested. However, she gave me lots of signs and she was very, very cuddly and touchy with me (she had never been like this before) and she knows I'm not that way... Somehow i felt completely sure that she wanted something. Everyone who met her here thinks she was definitely interested and have told me I'm really stupid for waiting this long.

 

Right now I'm keeping a distance and "playing it cool", because she suddenly stopped texting me, and I know exactly what this means. This actually hurt a lot, because I never wanted to ruin our friendship... Still, I'm extremely confused... she gave me lots of positive signs, everyone agreed with me and now she is cutting me off. Oh and... it has been almost a month after she got the letter, I've never mentioned it and I've been keeping it very light, so I really don't understand why she suddenly stopped texting.

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You're not in a position to judge her behavior, you know, don't you?

 

The letter was a bad idea. I agree, and others here agreed too. There would be so many things to consider, I should write a novel about it.

 

And the timing was bad. You waited for her to be back home again, far away from each other. When you had another chance when she visited you. Honestly, you don't make much sense. But I guess I would either see you as undecided, or pretty shy. But that would be associated to other things. So if you're not shy in general, it'd be hard to think you're shy only in that context.

 

Maybe I'm optimistic, but something would definitely be wrong if she cut you off like that. Unless she wants to start from scratch, like she met a guy she likes back home. I don't know. You were kinda cold in person and exposed too much from a distance. She has a right to wait and see what happens. Maybe she wants to see if it's just a temporary thing for you. Like it can fizzle out for you. You didn't prove to be consistent in your behavior.

 

She would touch you when she was there with you? That can be a friendly thing. But cuddly? Unless she thought you were gay, maybe she was treating you like her gay buddy, thinking nothing will ever happen with you anyway, because "he doesn't see me that way". What did you say again when she asked you: Do you want me?

Sorry for asking again.

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Thanks again for replying!

 

I know, and I'm not judging her behavior at all... I just said it hurts that she cut me off like that, because I really do care about her and the last thing I wanted was to ruin this friendship and I feel like I may have done just that, so I feel bad with my own decisions, but I'm never ever blaming her.

 

Well, I'm not a shy person in general, but I do have difficulty expressing how I feel, and she knows that because I told her back when we were getting to know each other. It may seem I don't make much sense, and the thing is I really badly wanted to try something, but just couldn't deal with the distance factor so I wasn't sure what to do. After she left, and I realised how much I miss her, and all my friends convinced me I should give it a try now I feel completely confident that there is a way we can make it work and I'm all in. I wish I came to this conclusion earlier, yes, but I didn't, so I want to focus on what's ahead.

 

Very cuddly and touchy yes... She knows I'm not gay, we talked about past dating experiences when we were getting to know each other. After living all that time seeing her every day, I can tell you I never saw her being cuddly like thay with anyone else. I could give you more details of this if you need them. And it's not just the touchy cuddly part, we flirted lightly almost everytime, lots of very long eye contact with smiles. And she knows I don't treat anyone else like that. I don't know how to explain it, I just felt it that way, but of course I could be wrong.

 

When she asked "do you want me?" she was lying in my bed next to me, I turned to face her and asked her "what did you say?". She just smiled at me, closed her eyes, got closer to me to lay her head and hands on my chest and we stayed quiet for a while.

 

I'm dying to text her and tell her I'm sorry for putting our friendship at risk, I don't want to lose her. I don't know how to treat her now that she stopped texting and all... and I don't know why that happened.

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