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an unusual situation.


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about a month ago, i reconnected (first via the evil facebook) with a guy i went on one date with two years ago while i was living in a different city. and we started talking. it turned out we had both enshrined this date in our respective minds as The Best Date Ever. and then we started talking A LOT. and then, though i am 29 and he is 35 and neither of us is a starry-eyed romantic type, we got kind of carried away with compliments and high expectations of a glorious reunion weekend etc.

 

he got carried away especially. i'm a pretty shy person and i'm overly cautious about Relationships. during one phone conversation he told me that he was afraid he was falling in love with me and i was like WAIT WHAT. but that was certainly an exciting thing to hear! and i thought, wow, for once in a relationship i get to have the upper hand. this guy is way more into me than i'm into him.

 

anyway, so last weekend i went to stay with him and we had our glorious reunion. and it was in fact pretty glorious. and intense. and we both acknowledged this. and we made plans to meet again. but we've hardly talked at all this week that i've been back---and after spending time with him in the flesh, well, you know, obviously i feel more strongly about him than i did---and i miss him---and i'm not sure that i do, in fact, have the upper hand---and i know he's not doing the writing-every-day thing because he has been really busy with his work, not because he's suddenly indifferent or anything like that---but i'm pretty sure it's also because he has two kids (joint custody) and he's concerned about things getting too serious too fast with me or anyone else---which of course makes sense!---and i also get the sense that he's a little scared of his own feelings.

 

all of which i get. so i have exerted myself and pretended to be extremely mature and calm and not pestered him for contact (yay me) though it's been like going through withdrawal. my job is pretty boring and i don't have a lot of friends in my [new] town---i have many hours each day that i can easily spend obsessing! as i am obviously doing now.

 

anyway, basically i just wanted other people to post about how they + their partners in LDRs felt/acted just following the dreaded "first visit." or following any visit. or maybe i just want to vent and reach out to other love or "love" struck people out there so i don't go crazy.....so hello.

 

:bunny: :bunny: i don't know what emoticon this is, but i like it. :)

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Well I am still awaiting my first ever LDR visit. Though, I think we know each other pretty well not to be disappointed. Just I don't know if we'll ever keep from being so passionate once we see each other.

 

Having such a connection, as you know, does not take much to make a moment of seeing each other, thee moment.

 

Glad you realized there are second chances, and yes it is OK to be reserved. y SM is but by being with me, we both rub very well on each other. Just allow time to settle in. Once everything gets accepted between you both, things seem so smooth like butter. Hehehehehe!!!

 

Since you are restarting... never allow expectations to get in the way, and be sure to allow for discussion about issues. Whether they be small or big. The sooner you get to them the less trouble they are in the long run. Trust is your biggest allie .

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yay, a reply! wow, you haven't met your person yet. how long have you been waiting?

 

my unusual situation---it's not entirely a second chance, because we really liked each other when we went out---the timing was just bad. i was about to leave the country for a while and he was in the process of finalizing his Big Epic Tragic Divorce. i guess the big tragic divorce probably makes him cautious (and maybe easily spooked?) too.

 

i never expected that we'd see each other again. it's all sort of surreal and it's such a hollywood kind of setup, it makes it hard to stay realistic.

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yay, a reply! wow, you haven't met your person yet. how long have you been waiting?

 

my unusual situation---it's not entirely a second chance, because we really liked each other when we went out---the timing was just bad. i was about to leave the country for a while and he was in the process of finalizing his Big Epic Tragic Divorce. i guess the big tragic divorce probably makes him cautious (and maybe easily spooked?) too.

 

i never expected that we'd see each other again. it's all sort of surreal and it's such a hollywood kind of setup, it makes it hard to stay realistic.

 

Outside of naysayers, mine feels the same way... too surreal, yet every emotion is alive and kicking at every cell in your body.

 

We started out as very slow and never expected anything but casual friendship. After 3+ years we finally know each other and see who we are in video chats. Long story, just two shy people who by chance found each other and accepted what we have as an intense LDR. We may never see each other in person, so we give each other open and unconditional love. That nothing cannot be talked about, and every issue seems like it is just a thought. She is married, which peeves peeps here, as very few accept A relationships that are on going. She has family as well, and will not divorce. So it allows me to feel comfortable in that I know she is responsible and never wanted a relationship. But our love is so deep that SM seems to fit more than a bunch of words in explanation.

 

Either way as our lives move on, I am very happy and accept what we have. Though my heart wants to be with her as much as hers for me. If we ever meet, it will be something far beyond a first meeting. It is as if we had been given everything we ever dreamed of set in our laps. Even if it is for just one day, we'd make the most of it. That being said, I dare not see her while she is married.

 

I am not a jealous man, but when i see the few topics about people meeting in an LDR, I get teary eyed, by my own wants tugging at me. I appreciate what you have, and am glad you know what you have, as many don't want to believe such things exist. Funny thing we have in common, that we both did not expect anything for some time in the relationship. That goes to show, it is best to leave expectations to the way side, and just go with your feelings, accept and trust what happens.

 

I cannot say enough about allowing trust to guide you, and to allow everything to be open for discussion even them wee issues as soon as they come. As once you kick every wee issue's arse out the door, less and less troubles will haunt you.

Edited by sdrawkcaB ssA
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I don't get what you get out of being in a so called 'relationship' with a married woman you've never met?! It may feel all spiritual to you, but it's not, she's married, you are both deceiving someone else. She's not being open with her husband. It's not ok to cheat no matter how wonderful you try to make it sound.

You won't truly know her unless you meet her, it's all fantasy unless you meet her.

I feel sorry for her kids :(

I can't think of anything more dissatisfying than never hugging a partner or spending time with them, bonding with them, holding hands, sharing time together, it's time *together* which bonds you.

 

 

Outside of naysayers, mine feels the same way... too surreal, yet every emotion is alive and kicking at every cell in your body.

 

We started out as very slow and never expected anything but casual friendship. After 3+ years we finally know each other and see who we are in video chats. Long story, just two shy people who by chance found each other and accepted what we have as an intense LDR. We may never see each other in person, so we give each other open and unconditional love. That nothing cannot be talked about, and every issue seems like it is just a thought. She is married, which peeves peeps here, as very few accept A relationships that are on going. She has family as well, and will not divorce. So it allows me to feel comfortable in that I know she is responsible and never wanted a relationship. But our love is so deep that SM seems to fit more than a bunch of words in explanation.

 

Either way as our lives move on, I am very happy and accept what we have. Though my heart wants to be with her as much as hers for me. If we ever meet, it will be something far beyond a first meeting. It is as if we had been given everything we ever dreamed of set in our laps. Even if it is for just one day, we'd make the most of it. That being said, I dare not see her while she is married.

 

I am not a jealous man, but when i see the few topics about people meeting in an LDR, I get teary eyed, by my own wants tugging at me. I appreciate what you have, and am glad you know what you have, as many don't want to believe such things exist. Funny thing we have in common, that we both did not expect anything for some time in the relationship. That goes to show, it is best to leave expectations to the way side, and just go with your feelings, accept and trust what happens.

 

I cannot say enough about allowing trust to guide you, and to allow everything to be open for discussion even them wee issues as soon as they come. As once you kick every wee issue's arse out the door, less and less troubles will haunt you.

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HeavenOrHell

We're not together now, although still good friends, together 4 years, we didn't dread the first visit, we were excited about it, but also nervous.

After most of our visits we were very talkative and happy for having just seen each other, sometimes though one or both of us could go a bit quieter as we felt a bit low about being apart again after having such a wonderful time together, our way of dealing with it sometimes was to withdraw a bit, but we still spoke on the phone and online every day no matter what.

 

 

 

 

anyway, basically i just wanted other people to post about how they + their partners in LDRs felt/acted just following the dreaded "first visit." or following any visit.

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sdrawkcaB ssA
I don't get what you get out of being in a so called 'relationship' with a married woman you've never met?! It may feel all spiritual to you, but it's not, she's married, you are both deceiving someone else. She's not being open with her husband. It's not ok to cheat no matter how wonderful you try to make it sound.

You won't truly know her unless you meet her, it's all fantasy unless you meet her.

I feel sorry for her kids :(

I can't think of anything more dissatisfying than never hugging a partner or spending time with them, bonding with them, holding hands, sharing time together, it's time *together* which bonds you.

 

I am sorry you are a bit tainted in how you come to conclusions so abruptly.

 

Her kids are in college and live at home, and are doing nicely. There has been emotional abuse from her husband before and since knowing her. She could have divorced him during our first year knowing each other (Before falling in love with me). As I was her only comfort to her needs of feeling good about herself, as her marriage was pulling her down. By the time we had a full year of knowing each other, she had recovered her self esteem and outlook. We both realized that we both loved each other, even though we did not want to be in a relationship. In fact we purposefully kept ourselves very private until it took 3 years for her to come out and tell me she was married. Yes, three years of not seeing her let alone knowing her private life. We loved each other from deep trust and acceptance of just who we are. We could not live not having each other, as our love deepened further and further. We now both have strong attachment both physical and emotional. Sure she could have kept things secret, but in her mind some day, there will be a day when we'll see each other. She just wanted to allow my trust and understanding be at its full potential as she felt so guilty, from feelings of deceit. I looked at it as non-deception, as I always take online profiles on open forums as fake (It is just the way I am). Plus knowing we both did not fall in love for relationship reasons. We truly fell in love from a good friendship stand point. When you feel such a deep connection you cannot just turn and run away, you must accept it or it will forever haunt you. Call it what you will... Spiritual or truly unconditional love, we want each other without any reservation, but allow our lives to be separate because of personal commitments that must be met. Yes we have an affair, but without it, our lives would have been a mess long ago. Not that I am condoning such a thing to save a marriage. It just fits for us in such a way, that nobody may ever understand, nor I expect them to.

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HeavenOrHell

This doesn't make it right.

She could have divorced him but she didn't, therefore she is choosing him over you.

She didn't tell you for 3 years that she's married, this is not the definition of trust and knowing who each other is.

She did keep things secret all that time.

R/ships start off as friendships, that's normal.

I would turn away from someone if they were married and chose not to divorce them, especially if they had been lying to me for a long time about it.

You're under the illusion you have a great love and that no-one has experienced such a wonderful thing before, well plenty of us have, the only difference is we have been with them in real life, touched them, slept next to them, talked with them, bonded with them, shared everything with them, with the added bonus that they didn't have another partner/spouse at the same time, trust me it's a lot more satisfying being with someone who has only you as their partner and who you touch, see, hear in *real life*.

 

 

I am sorry you are a bit tainted in how you come to conclusions so abruptly.

 

Her kids are in college and live at home, and are doing nicely. There has been emotional abuse from her husband before and since knowing her. She could have divorced him during our first year knowing each other (Before falling in love with me). As I was her only comfort to her needs of feeling good about herself, as her marriage was pulling her down. By the time we had a full year of knowing each other, she had recovered her self esteem and outlook. We both realized that we both loved each other, even though we did not want to be in a relationship. In fact we purposefully kept ourselves very private until it took 3 years for her to come out and tell me she was married. Yes, three years of not seeing her let alone knowing her private life. We loved each other from deep trust and acceptance of just who we are. We could not live not having each other, as our love deepened further and further. We now both have strong attachment both physical and emotional. Sure she could have kept things secret, but in her mind some day, there will be a day when we'll see each other. She just wanted to allow my trust and understanding be at its full potential as she felt so guilty, from feelings of deceit. I looked at it as non-deception, as I always take online profiles on open forums as fake (It is just the way I am). Plus knowing we both did not fall in love for relationship reasons. We truly fell in love from a good friendship stand point. When you feel such a deep connection you cannot just turn and run away, you must accept it or it will forever haunt you. Call it what you will... Spiritual or truly unconditional love, we want each other without any reservation, but allow our lives to be separate because of personal commitments that must be met. Yes we have an affair, but without it, our lives would have been a mess long ago. Not that I am condoning such a thing to save a marriage. It just fits for us in such a way, that nobody may ever understand, nor I expect them to.

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sdrawkcaB ssA
This doesn't make it right.

She could have divorced him but she didn't, therefore she is choosing him over you.

She didn't tell you for 3 years that she's married, this is not the definition of trust and knowing who each other is.

She did keep things secret all that time.

R/ships start off as friendships, that's normal.

I would turn away from someone if they were married and chose not to divorce them, especially if they had been lying to me for a long time about it.

You're under the illusion you have a great love and that no-one has experienced such a wonderful thing before, well plenty of us have, the only difference is we have been with them in real life, touched them, slept next to them, talked with them, bonded with them, shared everything with them, with the added bonus that they didn't have another partner/spouse at the same time, trust me it's a lot more satisfying being with someone who has only you as their partner and who you touch, see, hear in *real life*.

 

I am being rational and honest about our relationship and feelings towards each other. She told me the only reason she won't divorce is because the children are at home, and yet to make a life for themselves. Also since she has built up her self esteem and is able to manage, there is no reason for her to divorce. She just deals with is flare ups. After reading your reply, I think you think I am too young to know better. To be truthful, she knows me better than any woman I ever knew and I do for her as well. Go a head and feel that way, I don't care what you think, as you have not a clue to our relationship and how and what we share. You put physicals to high IMO. You don't even know me, and how my mind set works, as I am so different that most just wonder if I am lying, because they cannot fathom that a guy who does not have a physical sex drive, can be intimate with a woman, let alone be one in LDR. I was going to be more enlightening but you are obviously to hardheaded to learn two people who think out of the box, and the most difficult to understand by in the box thinking can be happy with each other.

 

Go ahead and believe what you will, as everyone has an opinion. I just find this discussion a bit hilarious because I don't take anyone's opinion seriously here. Mainly because I am not looking for anyone's help, even yours.

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HeavenOrHell

Sorry, we will have to agree to disagree on this.

 

Parents divorce even when there are kids involved, it's often better than staying in a loveless r/ship, (I don't know if their r/ship is loveless or not obviously), but it doesn't sound a healthy marriage from the little you've said about it and the fact she's having an affair means the marriage isn't ideal.

I think you said the kids are in college, so they'll be leaving home before too long anyway.

No, you didn't strike me as too young to know better, I thought you were old enough to know better to be honest.

I don't deny people can be close to someone they've not met, but I'm sorry but it comes nowhere near close to holding that person in your arms, and it's not all about sex at all, asexual people can be as close to each other as couples who have sex, it's mostly about emotional intimacy when you've spent time with them, sexual intimacy is part of emotional intimacy for me.

I just think you're selling yourself short being with a married woman for 3 years who you never see.

Life's too short.

But if you find it satisfying enough and it's enough for you then fair enough, I still don't know how you can be in something which is deceiving someone else though, even if they're not the nicest of people (no idea if he is or not).

But as I said we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

I am being rational and honest about our relationship and feelings towards each other. She told me the only reason she won't divorce is because the children are at home, and yet to make a life for themselves. Also since she has built up her self esteem and is able to manage, there is no reason for her to divorce. She just deals with is flare ups. After reading your reply, I think you think I am too young to know better. To be truthful, she knows me better than any woman I ever knew and I do for her as well. Go a head and feel that way, I don't care what you think, as you have not a clue to our relationship and how and what we share. You put physicals to high IMO. You don't even know me, and how my mind set works, as I am so different that most just wonder if I am lying, because they cannot fathom that a guy who does not have a physical sex drive, can be intimate with a woman, let alone be one in LDR. I was going to be more enlightening but you are obviously to hardheaded to learn two people who think out of the box, and the most difficult to understand by in the box thinking can be happy with each other.

 

Go ahead and believe what you will, as everyone has an opinion. I just find this discussion a bit hilarious because I don't take anyone's opinion seriously here. Mainly because I am not looking for anyone's help, even yours.

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i thought, wow, for once in a relationship i get to have the upper hand. this guy is way more into me than i'm into him.

...

i'm not sure that i do, in fact, have the upper hand

Well, I guess it got out of hand? I get that you:

- traveled to him for this first date

- had sex with him right away

- played cool after not hearing from him after the trip

 

And the combination of the three elements doesn't sound like a recipe for success to me. But I might be wrong and you get the best relationship ever out of it.

 

i just wanted other people to post about how they + their partners in LDRs felt/acted just following the dreaded "first visit." or following any visit.
I wouldn't have taken any spacing out very well, after any visit, especially after being intimate with each other. No matter how busy, we need to be in each other's life. No one is ever too busy, not even President Obama, to text a "hi, you ok?". So, luckily, it never really happened.

 

We may never see each other in person, so we give each other open and unconditional love.
Are you saying that unconditional love is what you get when you never meet the one you love? That's a stretch and I hope you realized that.

 

She has family as well, and will not divorce. So it allows me to feel comfortable in that I know she is responsible and never wanted a relationship.
You feel good about her not wanting a relationship with you? I somehow can relate to your situation, because both my partner and I have families, but if either of us did not want a relationship, then it wouldn't have even started. We want to be married and live together. That's the goal. But I understand every relationship is different, and at times unique. Yours seems more like a friend with virtual benefits kind of deal.

 

SM seems to fit more than a bunch of words in explanation.
What's SM? Shouldn't it mean Stepmother??

 

when i see the few topics about people meeting in an LDR, I get teary eyed
You obviously need more than virtual interaction. How long do you think you could bear the current situation? For the rest of your life?

 

it took 3 years for her to come out and tell me she was married.
This reminds me of someone else's experience, chatting online and talking on the phone with a woman who lied about her age, her job, her family status, not telling she had three kids, etc. Maybe not a full-on catfish, but very close to it (I don't remember if she even resorted to fake pics). It led to cutting her off from his life. And I think it was the right thing to do. But he was in the dark about all that for years too. Just like you. And it's difficult to tell what else she lied about, or what you don't know yet. So trust is an issue there, and you trusting her blindly is not going to help you in any way.

 

We now both have strong attachment both physical and emotional.
How do you have strong physical attachment if you've never even met her in the flesh? I don't get this. You're not using words correctly here.

 

she felt so guilty, from feelings of deceit. I looked at it as non-deception, as I always take online profiles on open forums as fake
I don't get this. You were expecting deception, so it was fine with you getting it from her? I mean, 3 years of that? Seriously? When you talk about intimacy, love of your life, deeper than deep connection? Come on......

 

When you feel such a deep connection you cannot just turn and run away, you must accept it or it will forever haunt you.
Toxic relationships do exist.

 

Call it what you will... Spiritual or truly unconditional love, we want each other without any reservation, but allow our lives to be separate because of personal commitments that must be met. Yes we have an affair, but without it, our lives would have been a mess long ago.
I guess your whole reasoning is a mess. And believe me, I'm not your regular person.

Unconditional love: I love you no matter what.

Conditional love: I love you as long as no one and nothing rocks the boat (in your case: as long as we don't meet and as long as we don't have any relationship and we mind our business regardless of the other).

No strings attached: everyone lives one's own life, separately, and the other is just background that can be replaced without notice.

 

She told me the only reason she won't divorce is because the children are at home
You said her children are college students, they will be probably out soon. Another max 3 years and she'd be free to divorce. But does she want to?

 

Also since she has built up her self esteem and is able to manage, there is no reason for her to divorce.
Aka, there's no reason for you two to be together, right? That's another way to look at it.

 

they cannot fathom that a guy who does not have a physical sex drive, can be intimate with a woman, let alone be one in LDR.
It's hard to read into this. A married woman with children, unsatisfied with her current marriage but who used to enjoy love making, would have a hard time settling for a man with no physical sex drive. So it makes sense she just keeps the virtual bond as a virtual bond and nothing more. You think people can't understand you, but if you think you know what intimacy is with a woman you deeply connected with but didn't make love to, then you'd be surprised what the additional bonus would be. It's like only knowing the Danish plains all your life long and then suddenly see the Grand Canyon. It's overwhelming.

 

I just find this discussion a bit hilarious because I don't take anyone's opinion seriously here.
I am serious, but I don't expect you to take me seriously. It's just talk on here, after all.
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