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How do you deal with Facebook in an LDR?


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I am starting this thread because I want to know how you guys' deal is concerning Facebook during an LDR.

 

My boyfriend and me are friends on FB but not 'in a relationship'. There are a few photos of us on FB, but nothing that clearly shows that we are a couple, or anything. These photos are slightly disappearing into the abyss, since he now, while being abroad for 4 more months (5 total), is being tagged in a lot of photos with new people he meets.

And I must say, I am jealous of how many women he meets.

I can't see his friendlist so I am not sure who he is meeting (no stalking for me…), but girls do post photos with him in it, and he never tells me about them when we Skype… only talks about guys he does activities with.

 

Personally, I wish we wouldn't be Facebook friends at this point, because I can see everything he does on there first, usually even before he tells me about it - it's a bit frustrating. But then again, if we wouldn't be, I could still see it through mutual friends' profiles, if I really wanted to (basically, if my stalker spirit comes through).

 

DO you have this too? Facebook jealousy? Jealousy triggered by the stupid Facebook? It's driving me insane. I wish social media would disappear for the next 4 months…

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Hey Lamaga,

I can't really chime in as far as FB and LDRs go, but didn't you mention in your last thread that your boyfriend had changed his status to "in a relationship"? I might be confusing you with someone else, apologies if so

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Hey Lamaga,

I can't really chime in as far as FB and LDRs go, but didn't you mention in your last thread that your boyfriend had changed his status to "in a relationship"? I might be confusing you with someone else, apologies if so

 

 

He did, and then he changed it back to private again. Weirdo.

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If you don't have the umph to confront him about it, then unfollow him so you don't see his posts anymore. He won't know. Alternatively you can avoid FB for a few months.

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If you don't have the umph to confront him about it, then unfollow him so you don't see his posts anymore. He won't know. Alternatively you can avoid FB for a few months.

 

I wish it was that easy. Unfollowed him already and still checking his facebook all the time… And I can't avoid facebook… A lot of communication for my study is taking place on Facebook - unfortunately. ;(

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So, hypothetically, if you did speak to him about the pictures and why he's hidden his contact list/relationship status, and your fears...what do you think you would say? And how do you predict he would respond?

 

I feel for you, Lamaga. This whole situation is creating a lot of anxiety and making the LDR experience even more unpleasant than it already is. You mentioned before you'd seen a counselor about your anxiety - what did he/she suggest? Did you get any tips about coping in such situations? I think there's only so much you can do. The other party - ie. your boyfriend - needs to be wiling to meet you half-way to address the problems and improve things. This hot-and-cold can't go on. It will cause irreparable damage.

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If you don't have the umph to confront him about it, then unfollow him so you don't see his posts anymore. He won't know. Alternatively you can avoid FB for a few months.

 

So, hypothetically, if you did speak to him about the pictures and why he's hidden his contact list/relationship status, and your fears...what do you think you would say? And how do you predict he would respond?

 

I feel for you, Lamaga. This whole situation is creating a lot of anxiety and making the LDR experience even more unpleasant than it already is. You mentioned before you'd seen a counselor about your anxiety - what did he/she suggest? Did you get any tips about coping in such situations? I think there's only so much you can do. The other party - ie. your boyfriend - needs to be wiling to meet you half-way to address the problems and improve things. This hot-and-cold can't go on. It will cause irreparable damage.

 

I know! But everyone I know (and who also knows him, speaking mutual friends), say that I am worrying for no reason, that he loves me and will come back in 4 months and be with me, and even though he might meet women overseas and flirt a lot, maybe even get close physically with some of them, he won't cheat on me, and he won't leave me.

He's been so good at keeping in touch, we skyped for two hours yesterday, even watched a movie together (or tried to until his internet made the movie no buffer anymore), but anyway, he used to only call every second or third day, now I get daily snaps, whatsapp, emails, phone calls, Skype calls… everything. i should not complain…

I know it sounds all too good to be true, and yet I have this fear.

 

I am not very fond of my therapist. i am thinking of finding a new one…

 

Oh, and I think that if I would talk to my boyfriend about this, he'd just shut down, say that I am being negative and he'd rather talk about positive things with me… That's usually his sort of response.

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I want to know how you guys' deal concerning Facebook during an LDR.

I don't like FB, I opened my account just for him, so I can log all the movies and stuff I see/watch, what I like, etc. As we're far away, that's going to be a permanent database. If I die tomorrow, he can go through my stuff. That's the idea. I seldom post anything. I don't use it for anything else.

Anyway, we're connected on FB and I also have his password. I can log into his account.

 

My boyfriend and me are friends on FB but not 'in a relationship'.
Him putting his status to "in a relationship" and then removing it without even telling you why he did so is in my opinion very disrespectful. I personally don't get crap from anyone. Especially from a "boyfriend". I know every relationship is different and yours is quite odd its own way.

 

1. Why don't you put your status to "in a relationship with him?

2. Why don't you post pictures of you with him and tag them?

3. Why don't you post pictures of you with other guys?

It looks like you're scared to do anything not to hurt his feelings, when in reality he doesn't give a .... if he hurts yours. So stop being so considerate and do your thing, regardless of what he likes/dislikes. If he doesn't like something, he will let you know or maybe realize he's not in a position to complain about anything.

 

I can't see his friendlist
He's not a candid guy.

 

Personally, I wish we wouldn't be Facebook friends
Unfriend him then. He will understand something's wrong, or maybe he won't even notice you're missing there. Another clue for you.

 

DO you have this too? Facebook jealousy?
It stopped when he started behaving. Flirting banned. But he has pictures with other women when he's being social, going to parties at work, etc. I'm fine with it.

 

Honey, FB is just a symptom, not the disease.

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I don't like FB, I opened my account just for him, so I can log all the movies and stuff I see/watch, what I like, etc. As we're far away, that's going to be a permanent database. If I die tomorrow, he can go through my stuff. That's the idea. I seldom post anything. I don't use it for anything else.

Anyway, we're connected on FB and I also have his password. I can log into his account.

 

Him putting his status to "in a relationship" and then removing it without even telling you why he did so is in my opinion very disrespectful. I personally don't get crap from anyone. Especially from a "boyfriend". I know every relationship is different and yours is quite odd its own way.

 

1. Why don't you put your status to "in a relationship with him?

2. Why don't you post pictures of you with him and tag them?

3. Why don't you post pictures of you with other guys?

It looks like you're scared to do anything not to hurt his feelings, when in reality he doesn't give a .... if he hurts yours. So stop being so considerate and do your thing, regardless of what he likes/dislikes. If he doesn't like something, he will let you know or maybe realize he's not in a position to complain about anything.

 

He's not a candid guy.

 

Unfriend him then. He will understand something's wrong, or maybe he won't even notice you're missing there. Another clue for you.

 

It stopped when he started behaving. Flirting banned. But he has pictures with other women when he's being social, going to parties at work, etc. I'm fine with it.

 

Honey, FB is just a symptom, not the disease.

 

 

I answered your questions on my other thread, but let's continue here for now, since this is about Facebook!

1. I did that about two months ago and he never responded to it.

2. There are a few from us from the past 10 months. He didn't add all of them to his timeline. he doesn't only do it with our photos, though, he is very selective, especially when he doesn't like how he looks in a photo. There is one of us kissing (used to be my profile pic) where I tagged him, but he didn't accept it on his timeline (although he DID accept the tag). He told me he doesn't mind that I post them but he is a more private person, and our relationship is something he likes keeping private. He also doesn't talk to his friends about our sex life, or something, he thinks its disrespectful. WE had a big fight once because I told a mutual female friend of ours about our sexlife. (Girls do that.. eek).

Anyway, shortly said, from the 20 picture we are tagged in together, he has about 10 on his wall.

3. Why don't you post pictures of you with other guys?

I don't know, I don't really post that many photos on Facebook, and people I know don't either, so nobody ever really tags me. If I would randomly start posting photos with other guys, that would be very odd, wouldn't it?

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You clearly do care, and there's nothing wrong with that. I think if his status said 'in a relationship' then you'd feel more secure, which I understand, especially if it said in a r/ship with you.

 

Facebook makes people over think, obsess, assume things incorrectly, brings up trust issues, it's not healthy.

 

I think without trust a r/ship (LD or not) won't work.

 

 

 

 

 

Mh, I don't really care. I am over the Facebook relationship status thing.
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he doesn't only do it with our photos
As a girlfriend, I wouldn't expect to be treated just like anyone else. What do you think? So you're just one of the bunch? I think you need to assess what kind of relationship you're having with him. What his priorities are. I don't buy this "I'm so concerned about my looks over the web", when he posts the first random picture with a girl he just met. Or is it that he looks better next to other girls than next to you? :confused: What kind of selective behavior is that? As I said, he's not candid.

 

If I would randomly start posting photos with other guys, that would be very odd, wouldn't it?
Why? He does whatever he pleases. Why shouldn't you? Go out already. And take as many pictures as you can. And befriend him without any explanation and do your thing instead. He thinks he doesn't owe you any explanation for his own behavior anyway. Drop contact. If he starts complaining, you'll have your list of things to mention.

 

You'd need to train this guy like training a puppy. Is it worth it? I don't know.

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Agreed, it would be odd if you started posting pics of you with guys, it would be petty and immature, and you're right to think it's not a good idea.

 

My ex was the same about being private, he is a private person, which included being private about our r/ship, although for a long time we did say we were in a r/ship with each other.

 

 

 

I answered your questions on my other thread, but let's continue here for now, since this is about Facebook!

1. I did that about two months ago and he never responded to it.

2. There are a few from us from the past 10 months. He didn't add all of them to his timeline. he doesn't only do it with our photos, though, he is very selective, especially when he doesn't like how he looks in a photo. There is one of us kissing (used to be my profile pic) where I tagged him, but he didn't accept it on his timeline (although he DID accept the tag). He told me he doesn't mind that I post them but he is a more private person, and our relationship is something he likes keeping private. He also doesn't talk to his friends about our sex life, or something, he thinks its disrespectful. WE had a big fight once because I told a mutual female friend of ours about our sexlife. (Girls do that.. eek).

Anyway, shortly said, from the 20 picture we are tagged in together, he has about 10 on his wall.

3. Why don't you post pictures of you with other guys?

I don't know, I don't really post that many photos on Facebook, and people I know don't either, so nobody ever really tags me. If I would randomly start posting photos with other guys, that would be very odd, wouldn't it?

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Mh. Well, at this point I don't really know what to do and where to start.

he is going to call me in an hour over Skype. How should I address these issues?Should I ask who the girl in the photo is? And if yes, how, without being nagging?

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What, you cant see his friends list?

 

If my SO hid his friends list from me, I'd be seriously bothered. Why would he do that to you if he had nothing to hide? And that thing with the rlship status, I also think it's disrespectful.

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Mh. Well, at this point I don't really know what to do and where to start.

he is going to call me in an hour over Skype. How should I address these issues?Should I ask who the girl in the photo is? And if yes, how, without being nagging?

If it was me, I'd have no problem with asking bluntly - after all he's your bf so you have a full right to know who are these girls and how does he spend time with them. If he has nothing to hide, he will calmly reply to you and tell you everything you want to know.

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He's not hiding his friend list from her, some of us keep our friend list private, I don't particularly want anyone to know my entire friend list, so mine is private.

 

I think facebook is so unimportant to some people that they've no need to put what their r/ship status is, it is after all just an online website, if the couple know they're a couple that's what matters most.

 

 

What, you cant see his friends list?

 

If my SO hid his friends list from me, I'd be seriously bothered. Why would he do that to you if he had nothing to hide? And that thing with the rlship status, I also think it's disrespectful.

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He's not hiding his friend list from her, some of us keep our friend list private, I don't particularly want anyone to know my entire friend list, so mine is private.

 

I think facebook is so unimportant to some people that they've no need to put what their r/ship status is, it is after all just an online website, if the couple know they're a couple that's what matters most.

 

true, but he only hid it after i sort of asked him who these girls are that he has been adding ever since he had arrived in Asia.

 

It's been a month long distance now. 4 more to go. I am torturing myself with trying to see what he is up to on Facebook etc.

And he does post a lot of pictures at the moment from his semester abroad. It's been a month and he's been in tagged in 6 or so photos and the photos of us just wander into the bottom of his photo list and I feel less significant with every new photo that is posted. It sounds stupid, I know, it's JUST Facebook.

 

I dont know what is wrong with me. It is my intuition. I feel he is hiding something.

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Ok, that's different if he hid it after you asked him, that does sound dodgy, unless he's worried about upsetting you by having female friends even if you both know they are just friends, or doesn't want you to feel jealous as he's spending time with friends and not with you.

But if you truly feel he could be hiding something then that is a cause for concern :(

 

 

 

true, but he only hid it after i sort of asked him who these girls are that he has been adding ever since he had arrived in Asia.

 

It's been a month long distance now. 4 more to go. I am torturing myself with trying to see what he is up to on Facebook etc.

And he does post a lot of pictures at the moment from his semester abroad. It's been a month and he's been in tagged in 6 or so photos and the photos of us just wander into the bottom of his photo list and I feel less significant with every new photo that is posted. It sounds stupid, I know, it's JUST Facebook.

 

I dont know what is wrong with me. It is my intuition. I feel he is hiding something.

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true, but he only hid it after i sort of asked him who these girls are that he has been adding ever since he had arrived in Asia.

 

It's been a month long distance now. 4 more to go. I am torturing myself with trying to see what he is up to on Facebook etc.

And he does post a lot of pictures at the moment from his semester abroad. It's been a month and he's been in tagged in 6 or so photos and the photos of us just wander into the bottom of his photo list and I feel less significant with every new photo that is posted. It sounds stupid, I know, it's JUST Facebook.

 

I dont know what is wrong with me. It is my intuition. I feel he is hiding something.

 

It's not that there's something wrong with you. He's doing things that are suspicious. I wouldn't be ok with a lot of what you described either. He is content to do what he likes and sweep your concerns under the rug. It is very difficult to conduct a relationship like that.

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I wish it was that easy. Unfollowed him already and still checking his facebook all the time… And I can't avoid facebook… A lot of communication for my study is taking place on Facebook - unfortunately. ;(

 

Create a second account strictly for study purposes, with a very limited friend list. Stop logging onto your original FB while you two are apart.

 

I find his actions to be a huge red flag (changing status back; hiding friend list from you) but if you are determined to give the rel-ship a chance then a second id for you seems like the option most likely to prevent you from freaking out.

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I know! But everyone I know (and who also knows him, speaking mutual friends), say that I am worrying for no reason, that he loves me and will come back in 4 months and be with me, and even though he might meet women overseas and flirt a lot, maybe even get close physically with some of them, he won't cheat on me, and he won't leave me.

 

This is all very nice and supportive. You know that it's worth exactly zero in terms of what your BF actually might do. Right?

 

I would tend to rely on how he makes you feel, on balance. If it is more bad than good, don't ignore that feeling.

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This is all very nice and supportive. You know that it's worth exactly zero in terms of what your BF actually might do. Right?

 

I would tend to rely on how he makes you feel, on balance. If it is more bad than good, don't ignore that feeling.

 

You are right, I feel not good about a lot of the things. but at the same time I know I have a tendency to see the negative more than the positive, and often completely wrongly analyse situations based on this pathological worrying I am experiencing. My therapist says I am a chronic pessimist. I guess it's true.

 

But at the same time I feel as if every time I am being not 100% happy on Skype, that my boyfriend is unhappy with that. He easily seems upset, and then I ask if he is upset, but he says he isn't. I don't know, i read into things like crazy. But then again i feel as if my negativity spreads onto our relationship like cancer and he doesn't want to be with me anymore if I continue. I need to relax. I need to sit back and relax.

 

Anybody?

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It's not that there's something wrong with you. He's doing things that are suspicious. I wouldn't be ok with a lot of what you described either. He is content to do what he likes and sweep your concerns under the rug. It is very difficult to conduct a relationship like that.

 

 

I agree. But it seems though as if there is nothing that I could do at this point. I tried talking to him a week ago… it didn't work out. If I bring it up again he's just gonna pull back. Maybe in a few weeks I will bring it up again? I don't know. I don't want him to pull back.. :(

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