His mom hates me

[esmeralda]

I've been with my boyfriend for a coming up to a year (we're both 25). This is the guy I want to marry. Met in college. I have a year left, but he moved back home. He moved in with his mom because we wanted to figure something out when I finish college, and he could be more flexible. His mom needs the money, and also having just finished grad school he can't afford anywhere by himself just yet. I'd met her once before and we seemed to get on ok.

 

Cut a long story short. I was planning to visit him and then his mom said I wasn't welcome to visit, ever. No real reasons given. A few of, he can't have a relationship under her roof, she doesn't like me, etc etc. She said a lot of things to him that were pretty bad, talking trash about me and telling him he is a terrible son. They have a weird relationship in the first place, she seems to treat him as her slave. Also made him pay rent money through college whenever he went home. Anyway, they had a big fight about it which went on for about three weeks, and eventually stopped speaking.

 

A couple weeks later him and I also had a fight. Something small that escalated, but ended with him thinking we were over and telling his mom about it (since we are long distance, and I guess she is the nearest person to talk to). We sorted the fight, but he then sent me the harshest email to me ending it. I mean it was really awful. Ended with "leave me alone forever".

 

Two weeks later he got in touch with me, basically saying that he'd made the biggest mistake, he loved me, wanted forever etc. So we talked and worked through it. We're gonna take it slow. However. During these two weeks his mom made him promise that he wouldn't talk to me for three months. And it turns out she made him send the email and break it off with me. A lot of the really harsh stuff in it didn't sound like him - it wasn't. She's basically blackmailing him that she will kick him out if he is with me.

 

I don't understand it. We are going to sneak around for three months and then he's going to tell her, and I know the **** is gonna hit the fan then. Can anyone enlighten me on what is going on with her? And what should I do? I'm at the point now where I don't think I'll ever forgive her for this. Help!

[Art_Critic]

At 25 he is a full blown adult, it sounds like his Mom is toxic and he needs to get away from her and start his own life.

 

There isn't anything you can do to make whatever it is between you and his Mom better other than be supportive of him and hopefully guide him into getting some distance away from her.

[d0nnivain]

Don't worry so much about it now, while you are still in school. She is his problem. But don't bad mouth her or give him grief.

 

When you graduate, after you & he figure out what to do next, get her to sit down & talk to you. Ask her to tell you what's wrong. Your BF should be there too & you can't lose your cool. It may be fear of losing him.

 

Meanwhile be nice to her from afar. Send flowers for Thanksgiving, send her a Christmas gift. If you know when her birthday is, send her a card.

[Standard-Fare]

This mother/son relationship sounds really unhealthy.

 

Does your BF have a job? If so, he needs to move out. If not, he needs to find one -- so he can move out. It doesn't matter if he'll be broke, living with roommates, whatever. This is part of growing up -- branching out and standing on your own two feet.

 

Nudge your BF in this direction, expressing to him that you're not sure your relationship can survive under the current conditions.

[justwhoiam]

Can anyone enlighten me on what is going on with her?

For whatever reason, she doesn't like you. And it looks like a major thing that won't go away. I experienced something like that, but to a minor extent. But I know of two other cases of relatives being in that situation. It stayed that way even after marriage.

 

And what should I do?

You need to talk to your boyfriend in person, very seriously. If he's going to be a puppet in his mother's hands, you should run. He needs to decide what he wants to do, but ASAP. It's not you or her, but if he allows her disrespecting you and himself, his life will be ruined. And you need to make it a point not wanting to be disrespected or having to witness her walking all over him like that. If he has no dignity, there's no ground to grow together or build a family. But he needs to be firm. And not giving in. She needs the money, and she won't get any from him. On Thanksgiving day, she'll be alone. At Christmas, she'll be alone, if she cares anything about that. Maybe she will rethink things.

 

I'm at the point now where I don't think I'll ever forgive her for this. Help!

You might resent her and all, but never call her names, never disrespect her, no matter how bad she behaves. You want to be in the right. So always be fair. If anything, you will set a standard for him on what women are really like.

[Tayla]

I agree With D0nnivain.

 

When in the presence of the person, open up the topic and get resolution. First you are not hearing it directly from her lips, so you are assuming certain things, even if its from your BF. Secondly their relationship is a two way street. Its time you be open minded to the fact that he is only sharing his side. Maybe the Mother has good reasons for the home life matters. You do not know til you openly discuss.

 

Be fair and willing to garner your own objective opinion without the muddy waters filling up the relationship.

 

Some people simply need an opportunity to be decent, allow that to be the case.