Bf broke up with me 3 times in one year

[TheHellWithHim]

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 times in less than a year. The first time was two months into our relationship. He lives in Ohio and i live in New York. The first couple of months of our relationship were great. He even told me he wanted to move to NYC. It was HIS idea, not mine. I was happy of course! And life could not be better. When the move became apparent, he got cold feet and broke up with me out of the blue. I was heart-broken. I even begged for him to reconsider his decision but he told me he was 100% sure he had made the right call, so i let him go. Two months after that, he called me and asked me to take him back, he told me he had made a mistake. I was still very much in love with him, so i took him back on the spot. We dated for another 7 months without problems. I mean we had fights like every couple but nothing out of the ordinary.

He had to go to Asia on a Volunteering trip. The day before he left we got into a stupid fight and he broke up with me. I literally begged the whole night for him to reconsider, i told him i loved him more than anything. But he had "made up" his mind. He was leaving me and there was nothing i could do. He left me in tears (after i let him spend the night at my place since he had to flight out of JFK). I could not help myself, i called him a couple hours after he left. And he picked up the phone and told me he had made a mistake (again) and that he wanted us to be together. I was thrilled, i loved him! I wanted to be with him!. He left and everything seemed to be normal, a week later, while skyping, he told me he was unsure again and that maybe we shouldnt talk for a couple of days. Again, my heart broke into a million pieces. I begged on the phone and he was cold to me. He told me we would talk in a couple of days. When i got to work that day, he sent me a message asking me about my morning commute. That infuriated me, and for once in our relationship, i realized he thought i was a punching bag. He thought he could push me away and two hours later he could talk to me like nothing ever happened. I broke up with him. I felt horrible but i did it.

That night he sent me an email, saying that deep down he knew it was the right thing to do because i was not "the one" and that he would never move to NYC and that he was terrified of commitment. He just needed to twist the knife a bit more, you know? For old times sake.

The following day, i checked me phone as soon as i woke up and i had another email from him. This time apologizing to me. He told me that yet again, he had made a TERRIBLE mistake. That he could not stand the idea of being away from me. I was not going to reply. But then, my phone rings. It was an unknown number. I pick up and all i hear was his voice telling me how sorry he was for everything. After about one hour on the phone, i decided to forgive him. I wanted to believe things were going to be different. Boy was i wrong.

About two months after that (like 3 weeks ago) he broke up with me again. And let me tell u, dear reader, i did not know what pain was until then. He said i was not the one, that he ALWAYS had had doubts. Oh! Im forgetting a little detail. He asked me to move in with him. So i put in a request at work to be transferred to Ohio. So anyways, going back to his speech, he told me he wasn't ready to move in with me (after we looked at two different apartments in Ohio). My heart was on the floor again, because of him. He pushed me away for two weeks. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep. All i wanted was for him to "snap out of it". I told him to please let me help him because i thought he was just freaking out. Nope. He pushed ME away, and I like an idiot, kept begging him to reconsider his decision (yes, again). After two weeks of that torture, i finally decided to have some dignity (the little bit i had left) and walk away from that toxic relationship. The following morning he texts me and ask for forgiveness, telling me he had made a HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake, and that this time it's for real, he really wanted to be w me for ever. I thought "maybe this time he's being honest with me" and took him back. I know, please understand i am madly in love with him. It's been exactly a week since we got back together. He even went to NYC and spent an entire week w me. However, he did tell me that he's still afraid of commitment and that he wants us to take things slow... We had talked about the future together, he told me he wanted to have kids w me, we even named them! We looked at places together, everyone at work and my family think I'm moving to Ohio... If we decide to take things slow now, it'd be like walking backwards. We have been dating for over a year. And now he doesnt want me to move to ohio and he doesnt want to move to NYC, all he knows is "he loves me"... He says we should wait and see what the future holds for us. I'm still in love w him, but i cant live in uncertainty anymore. I dont know when he'll have another freakout. I can't live like this but I'm so in love with him. Beside his freak outs, he's a nice guy. He's into volunteering, likes cooking for me, he is sweet... But when he has those episodes, he becomes another person. He doesn't yell or anything, he just completely shuts down and pushes me away. I need some serious advice. Please help.

[windows]

Let's try to be positive for a moment. After breaking up and getting back together so many times - what concrete plans or actions have you taken to work through the problems plaguing your relationship?

 

I know a couple who was on and off again, but they got married because when they got back together for the last time, they consciously decided to work on the things which made them break up before. Are you working on those things?

 

This has to be more than making empty promises of "I'll do better next time".

 

If you're not, and the two of you are just trying pot-luck to see if your car won't break down for the fourth time without having done anything to fix it - then you need to walk away for good.

 

Edit: Though I have a feeling many others may say your relationship is already past its expiry date. I'm being generous here in my advice.

Edited September 22, 2014 by windows

[ExpatInItaly]

Dear lawd, OP. Has this guy already got a local girlfriend or something?

 

Stop putting yourself through this. He isn't the one. Someone who is truly in love with you doesn't behave this way. It's making you look desperate and weak, my girl. He doesn't want you to come to him and he doesn't want to come to you. What does that tell you? It's not going to work.

 

In case I missed it in your first post - have you ever been to see him in Ohio? Have you met any of his friends or family? How did you meet him?

[TheHellWithHim]

First of all, thank you for the quick response. To answer to your questions. No, he does not have another girlfriend in Ohio, I am 100% sure of that. I do know his family and they like me a lot, just as much as I like them. His mom was thrilled I was moving in with him and was telling me how much she wants to have grandchildren. I have met all of his closest friends, and they all know me and we get along well... I have been to Ohio at least once a month since we started dating, and sometimes I stay there for a week as my employer has offices there and working from Ohio is not a problem. I just don't know why he acts like that, he is younger than me (he's 22 years old) but he is a working professional, he should not be acting like a child. It's ok if he doesn't want to move in together, i even told him i could move to Ohio and that I will get my own place, but nope, he doesnt want that either... What the hell does he want then? I'm exhausted and hurt by his actions.

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, thank you for the quick response. To answer to your questions. No, he does not have another girlfriend in Ohio, I am 100% sure of that. I do know his family and they like me a lot, just as much as I like them. His mom was thrilled I was moving in with him and was telling me how much she wants to have grandchildren. I have met all of his closest friends, and they all know me and we get along well... I have been to Ohio at least once a month since we started dating, and sometimes I stay there for a week as my employer has offices there and working from Ohio is not a problem. I just don't know why he acts like that, he is younger than me (he's 22 years old) but he is a working professional, he should not be acting like a child. It's ok if he doesn't want to move in together, i even told him i could move to Ohio and that I will get my own place, but nope, he doesnt want that either... What the hell does he want then? I'm exhausted and hurt by his actions.

 

He doesn't want to commit. Plain and simple. If that's what you're looking for, you'd best start looking elsewhere.

 

Think about the dynamic here: he's broken up with you multiple times, yet you're the one moving? That would not even be on my radar with this guy. He's telling you he doesn't want you there. Listen to him and move on with your life.

[jonsnuh]

First of all, thank you for the quick response. To answer to your questions. No, he does not have another girlfriend in Ohio, I am 100% sure of that. I do know his family and they like me a lot, just as much as I like them. His mom was thrilled I was moving in with him and was telling me how much she wants to have grandchildren. I have met all of his closest friends, and they all know me and we get along well... I have been to Ohio at least once a month since we started dating, and sometimes I stay there for a week as my employer has offices there and working from Ohio is not a problem. I just don't know why he acts like that, he is younger than me (he's 22 years old) but he is a working professional, he should not be acting like a child. It's ok if he doesn't want to move in together, i even told him i could move to Ohio and that I will get my own place, but nope, he doesnt want that either... What the hell does he want then? I'm exhausted and hurt by his actions.

 

I'm sorry Shirley, but he doesn't want you.

[justwhoiam]

It's not clear what led to the break up each single time.

What happens when you have a fight or an argument?

 

It seems to me that he doesn't want to lose you, for the time being. He probably needs the affection, having a girlfriend, etc. But he TOLD you more than once that you're not the one. I guess he doesn't have the guts to tell you to spend time together without planning the future. And for a reason. He knows that you would break up with him. You are wasting your time.

I'm not sure how old you are. Anyway, he's just 22. Most guys want to just have some fun at that age. Maybe he wants to get married later on, like at 27. And have some experience in the meantime. But he met you. And now he wants his cake and eat it too. He's torn and doesn't know how to go about what he really wants.

 

Whenever he has told you that you're not the one, have you asked why in detail? Because really, I would have wanted to know. If I'm not the one because I'm not blonde and tall, or because I don't like skiing or whatever, at least I know why I was rejected. And when he comes around saying he was wrong, I would definitely bring all that up. And how those reasons to leave where suddenly turned upside down. What made him change idea again. I understand you're madly in love, but if he's so impulsive and off his rocker, you need to be wise for both. You should have questioned him in detail whenever he got back to you.

 

Also, when you always take him back, you're end up taken for granted. So it's really counterproductive. When that happens, let him stew in his own juices for a while. He needs time alone to think, and you don't give him any, if you take him back right away. He's impulsive. And that's probably something that will stay with him. It might get better growing older. But you can change the pattern, if you give him a lesson. No matter how much you miss him, you need to keep the goal in mind.

 

All that said, you have the following options:

1) be with him, living your relationship one day to the next, with no plans for the future other than the next visit

2) break up

3) ask for space (like a couple of months break)

4) threaten that it's either commitment (but seriously this time) or you walk away

 

I'd strongly advise not to pick option #4. The chances that it can lead to a good result are scarce. I would also rule out option #1, because it will have a bad impact on your health.