he thinks i am too good for him

[lamaga]

I wonder what this means…

My boyfriend has only been gone for 3 weeks. We haven't had much contact and I recently wrote on here about that and how things have gotten better the past few days, after I openly told him I need more than once a week for Skype time…

He's been super sweet since then, we are skyping twice a week now and he's been actually calling more often than that now and sending snippets of his life here and there. Sunday we had our Skype date and afterwards I realised how much i missed him and wrote him a text saying that I "miss him so ****ing much". he then tried calling me yesterday but i was too busy to answer. today he wrote back that he misses me too and that he really wants to call. so later on he called me and even though i was busy i made some minutes time to talk to him. he said he realises now that he misses me a lot, now that he has settled in and isn't so busy at the moment. i had to go to a seminar so i had to hang up and he said goodnight. i later sent him a song i wrote about us. he called me then on my phone (i was already on my way to uni) and told me that it was so very sweet and that he just wanted to call to tell me he loves me (he had not said it for a whole month…).

So of course this made me very happy. he said good night again (sleepy time for him already) -- but now, 2 hours later, i receive an email from him saying

"this is the most moving thing i have ever gotten. i don't even deserve you - you are too good to me!"

I am super confused. i have been sweet, yes… but really… he doesn't deserve me? what's that supposed to mean? does he mean this in a positive way or is this bad? i am starting to get anxious. do i really have the ability to turn something positive into something negative, just in my mind?

when he had called me he said "we'll talk again tomorrow,ok?"

 

whats happened to this guy? why does he want to talk to me so much all of a sudden? i feel like roles have been reserved, now i am busy and calm and don't have much time to miss him and he's coming after me.

 

what do i do?

i feel i should now pull back a bit even more, let him do the work?

or does he really think i am too good for him and he wants to break up?

ahhh. i hate long distance - you can't just call the other person when you feel like it to talk about such things, because they are sleeping or because you feel like you're nagging…

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

If he left what he said to you as is... nothing more, I'd take that as a complement. I have that about me as well. Though I say it diff.

 

He is telling you that his admiration of you is very very high. Like you are too good to be true.

 

That I hope is what things are for you... after all I have been crossed by the lack of proper emphasis with how the other actually does or does not do when questions arise.

 

Until he shows less than what he has given, I would sit back and enjoy. Though you do need to let him settle in to how you touched him.

 

I am sort of like you, so my SM gets a wee overwhelmed and takes her good time before coming back with what she feels. Some peeps and even I, will want to deny high praise, as no other has made such comments. After all we think of ourselves as average at best.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're heaping all your insecurities and anxieties into this one comment and you're reading too much into it. I'm not sure why you're confused about his increased contact - you told him you needed more, didn't you? He's taken your concerns to heart, it seems. Relax, or you will drive yourself (and eventually him) crazy.

[bastus]

He just being modest (or too modest) ,may be he just trying too hard in givin' you compliment..

[amaysngrace]

When a guy says you're too good for him, believe it.

[lamaga]

I think you're heaping all your insecurities and anxieties into this one comment and you're reading too much into it. I'm not sure why you're confused about his increased contact - you told him you needed more, didn't you? He's taken your concerns to heart, it seems. Relax, or you will drive yourself (and eventually him) crazy.

 

Thanks, I know that my anxiety over losing him is putting me into this never-ending cycle of self-doubt.

 

I know he means well…

[justwhoiam]

he doesn't deserve me? what's that supposed to mean?

I don't know, but when I get that statement, it's usually because he had a sudden a-ha moment, when he realized he was a jerk somehow or about something that happened, and aware of how good I am or I've always been. It's a way to acknowledge that and make it up to you.

 

When he says I'm too good, I say: I know.................

 

What do you do? Relax!

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks, I know that my anxiety over losing him is putting me into this never-ending cycle of self-doubt.

 

I know he means well…

 

Ask yourself where that anxiety stems from. I understand it because I think we have all experienced it from time to time. But what is the absolute worst-case scenario? The relationship doesn't work out, it hurts like heck for a while, but eventually you would be okay and move on. All relationships involve a certain amount of risk. You have to learn to be a bit more comfortable with that risk. and trust in yourself that no matter what, you would eventually be fine. You won't get the certainty you are looking for by analyzing every detail. There are no guarantees. But looking for the negative in everything will certainly spell the demise of a relationship.

 

Granted, given your past threads, I do think you have valid concerns. He does appear to have made some effort to meet you half-way. You need to weigh up his actions and decide if it's going to progress in the direction you want. Always takes two to make a relationship work.

[lamaga]

ok, i am freaking out.

he's been contacting me constantly. told me he's been listening to the song i wrote for him on constant repeat and how it is driving him insane, and that all he does is think of me. and he's been texting me just to say good night - something he hasn't done ever in the 10 months we have been together.

 

can someone tell me whats going on with this guy? did he really have an a-ha moment?

sometimes i even wonder if he cheated on me and feels guilty about it or something … this is so not him…

 

i really should be happy about this - this is what i wanted for 10 months, this is what i have been hoping for and working towards by being an amazing girlfriend…

 

should i finally be this lucky…?

[Els]

ok, i am freaking out.

he's been contacting me constantly. told me he's been listening to the song i wrote for him on constant repeat and how it is driving him insane, and that all he does is think of me. and he's been texting me just to say good night - something he hasn't done ever in the 10 months we have been together.

 

can someone tell me whats going on with this guy? did he really have an a-ha moment?

sometimes i even wonder if he cheated on me and feels guilty about it or something … this is so not him…

 

i really should be happy about this - this is what i wanted for 10 months, this is what i have been hoping for and working towards by being an amazing girlfriend…

 

should i finally be this lucky…?

 

Obsessing about 'what if's doesn't benefit anyone. IMO, if there are no red flags, just enjoy and appreciate it! If you react negatively to this, he's going to be stunned - you ask for more contact and he actually steps up and does it and now you're thinking it's because he cheated?

 

Have you spoken to a professional about your anxiety issues?

[ExpatInItaly]

ok, i am freaking out.

he's been contacting me constantly. told me he's been listening to the song i wrote for him on constant repeat and how it is driving him insane, and that all he does is think of me. and he's been texting me just to say good night - something he hasn't done ever in the 10 months we have been together.

 

can someone tell me whats going on with this guy? did he really have an a-ha moment?

sometimes i even wonder if he cheated on me and feels guilty about it or something … this is so not him…

 

i really should be happy about this - this is what i wanted for 10 months, this is what i have been hoping for and working towards by being an amazing girlfriend…

 

should i finally be this lucky…?

 

You asked him to step it up. He has. And now you're freaking out about this, too? If you don't have any reliable, solid evidence that he's cheating, you need to give your head a shake.This relationship won't last unless and until you gain control over your anxiety. You're putting him and your entire relationship into a no-win situation, and sabotaging what you have. You will eventually push him away. Have you always suffered from anxiety? It might honestly be time to think about speaking to a counselor, because this level of turmoil is not healthy for you.

Edited September 18, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[lamaga]

Ehm, yes, I do have a counsellor and I do talk to her about my anxiety issues, doesn't mean I am healed after one session though, especially because I have been dealing with anxiety issues my whole darn life.

 

I am not sabotaging my relationship, I am doing my best to not let him show my anxiety - it is something I am fighting with deep inside of me.

 

But I think that I will be better if things will continue the way they have been = I really am improving, trust me

 

But you are right, I need to sit back and relax and let him do the nice work and give him heads up for being wonderful. I will try my very best.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ehm, yes, I do have a counsellor and I do talk to her about my anxiety issues, doesn't mean I am healed after one session though, especially because I have been dealing with anxiety issues my whole darn life.

 

I am not sabotaging my relationship, I am doing my best to not let him show my anxiety - it is something I am fighting with deep inside of me.

 

But I think that I will be better if things will continue the way they have been = I really am improving, trust me

 

But you are right, I need to sit back and relax and let him do the nice work and give him heads up for being wonderful. I will try my very best.

 

The only reason I said that is because in another thread you mentioned that he felt you two spent a lot of time on Skype rehashing certain things and being assured by him that all is well. That indicates he senses your anxiety and knows you have some uncertainty. That's not a terrible thing, because it's important he understands where you're coming from and what your mindset it. But it if kept up, he would be banging his head against a wall. A good counsellor will be able to suggest coping strategies when you feel your anxiety creeping up, so it's a great step you've found someone neutral to talk it out with. The next 5 months will be a challenge but with the right communication between you it is workable.

[lamaga]

The only reason I said that is because in another thread you mentioned that he felt you two spent a lot of time on Skype rehashing certain things and being assured by him that all is well. That indicates he senses your anxiety and knows you have some uncertainty. That's not a terrible thing, because it's important he understands where you're coming from and what your mindset it. But it if kept up, he would be banging his head against a wall. A good counsellor will be able to suggest coping strategies when you feel your anxiety creeping up, so it's a great step you've found someone neutral to talk it out with. The next 5 months will be a challenge but with the right communication between you it is workable.

 

 

4,5 months by now

[ExpatInItaly]

4,5 months by now

 

I'm curious though, as you haven't yet addressed my other question: what's the worst that could possibly happen? And are you afraid you wouldn't be able to cope with that?

[lamaga]

I'm curious though, as you haven't yet addressed my other question: what's the worst that could possibly happen? And are you afraid you wouldn't be able to cope with that?

 

 

I don't know. I guess I am still scared we will go crazy not having sex. Or that we will stop talking as much or that we stop missing each other. But right now we miss each other a lot and things are great so my fears are not as present.

[ExpatInItaly]

What I really meant was, what's the worst that could happen if the relationship doesn't work out? I'm not saying this because I think you're doomed, but only to help you visualize yourself being comfortable and happy even if he's no longer in your life. You seem very afraid of losing him, and I used to be you. I was very anxious and afraid that the relationship woyld end, and I couldn't imagine myself without him. One thing that helped me was to remind myself that in the event of a break-up, I'd be hurt and sad but would eventually be alright again. Slowly my anxiety started to ebb a bit. Might work for you

[seekingpeaceinlove]

THIS advice is perfect. By bf and I have recently reconciled after he broke up with me last year and we were apart for 7 months. Before we broke up I had the worst anxiety with the relationship. I was riddled with fear of losing him every time we had an argument, if I felt his affection was waning, if this, if that...it was really the worst feeling to deal with. I would re read texts, wonder if I had said something wrong if his mood changed...I mean it was really out of control.

 

In this second go around with my bf the biggest change I've made was to realize that I'll be okay no matter what happens. Though the pain of breaking up was excruciating, I survived. In fact, I thrived after the initial grieving stage and came back into the relationship with confidence. Do you know how empowering that is?

 

All you can do is be the best person you can be, love yourself, love and support your significant other and the rest is out of your control.

 

Remember, no matter what happens...you will be just fine.

 

 

 

What I really meant was, what's the worst that could happen if the relationship doesn't work out? I'm not saying this because I think you're doomed, but only to help you visualize yourself being comfortable and happy even if he's no longer in your life. You seem very afraid of losing him, and I used to be you. I was very anxious and afraid that the relationship woyld end, and I couldn't imagine myself without him. One thing that helped me was to remind myself that in the event of a break-up, I'd be hurt and sad but would eventually be alright again. Slowly my anxiety started to ebb a bit. Might work for you

[lamaga]

thanks, you guys.

 

deep inside i know that.

but there is a part of me that fears so much…

just now we had a quick Skype call.

it was 7am for me and 1pm for him. he just slept out a hangover and i was still a bit tipsy. we both went out in our respective cities and we both were jealous of each other's endeavours. i told him finally how i am so jealous of the women he meets and that it bothers me that he never tells me about his night outs and who he meets and stuff. sometimes i feel like he doesn't really stand by us, that he won't tell people he has a girlfriend or something like that. part of me knows he is super loyal and would always say the truth but another part of me doubts (based on past experiences)… and i asked him even whats the deal with him not being able of being in a relationship with me on facbeook… i know it sounds stupid that this is even an issue for me, but i told him it would give me some peace of mind that if i knew the girls who he meets and who add him to Facebook would see he is in a relationship and would possibly be less likely to try to get with him… he is a hot guy after all and i know how girls react to him.. but i kept saying it and even after he said he'd change the relationship status he said he had to hang up to meet with some guys for hiking and then he just hung up on me even though i was crying.

its always like that. the moment it gets a bit too intense,a bit too difficult, he chickens out. and just leaves the conversation. and there is nothing i can do. if he was here he'd walk out the door. there is nothing i could do to keep him. i don't know whats happening now. i hate when he does that. it makes me just the more insecure. he said "lets talk about this when you are not drunk" and i said "i'd still feel the same when i am not drunk. i'd just not have the guts to speak up about it. because i just too often hide my true feelings because i know bow you react".

i know that he was scared of that. me being jealous and him having to defend himself. but its part of a long distance relationship isn't it? and i am not crazily jealous making him a scene or anything. all i did was tell him "i see you add all these girls on Facebook. i know you've been out last night. yea, and of course i wonder, my mind wonders, what do you do,who do you meet? and i just wish that you'd share at least part of your experience, just a bit of it, at least"…

 

i don't know. i am miserable now. it was too much for him, he couldn't deal with me being overly jealous and overbearing and he hung up.its 8 am in the morning and i can't sleep.

of course i didn't call him back because i know running after him is the worst thing i could do. so i just go to sleep now and hope that tomorrow he'd call me and things will be ok again? i don't know.

 

i hate being jealous, but at the same time i think being honest about it and telling him i sometimes am a bit jealous and wondering, isn't that ok? i don't know. its not like i was saying stuff like "who is that girl, what does she do, what did you talk about, why who what when?", no, i simply said "babe, i am a bit jealous, i wish you'd be standing by me, i hope you do, i want to be able to trust you"…

 

[CrystalCastles]

Holy crap. You are so overbearing, the poor guy is probably suffocating. You need to take a step back and stop piling your issues onto him.

 

Many people go through LDRs. I'm in one right now. Not once have I freaked out because my bf was out late. Its on him to be responsible and not get into bad situations. I trust him. Why don't you trust your bf? Has he done anything to make you doubt him? He doesn't know how to deal with your issues, ok? That's why he hangs up, because he's tired of it. And "I want to be able to trust you"? That's kind of a big blow to the gut. What has he done to make you not trust him? Does he have a shady past or something?

[justwhoiam]

I don't need to psychoanalyze your fears to know why you feel the way you feel, what is wrong with you or if you need a therapist.

 

You're both the flirty/social type. You go out at night and get drunk. Getting drunk means not being in control. We can talk for 3 days in a row about this, but it doesn't change things. Also, not knowing is - in my opinion - one of the worst things. I know it's not like that for everyone, but for many it is.

 

So that's the origin of your problems. Being with someone who sleeps until 1 pm because he got drunk the previous night is not comforting. But you're like that too. Birds of a feather flock together.

Edited September 20, 2014 by justwhoiam

[ExpatInItaly]

The problems in this relationship are not all you and your issues. You two are on different pages. After all I posted about trying to regain control over your anxiety, and how you're going to push him away, and how he appeared to be trying..well, after this update and his reaction to your concerns, combined with your other threads about him, I can only really say this:

 

You're far more invested than he is.

Edited September 20, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[lamaga]

The problems in this relationship are not all you and your issues. You two are on different pages. After all I posted about trying to regain control over your anxiety, and how you're going to push him away, and how he appeared to be trying..well, after this update and his reaction to your concerns, combined with your other threads about him, I can only really say this:

 

You're far more invested than he is.

 

 

Well, I know that. He told me that before. I am emotionally more 'active' lets say. He is equally invested, he's putting a LOT of effort into us. Just me being more emotional creates an imbalance. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me or that he doesn't want to be with me. He said he is just different in a relationship than I am, and that sometimes is difficult for the relationship we are having. He wanted to make the relationship work long distance. It was his idea, not mine. He is the one calling me every day and showing me he is making an effort. Things had gotten better.

 

Now there is this stupid set back of him being far away hitting me hard… And me thinking of bad things.

 

We just had a Skype talk for 40 minutes about the same issue (from last night). It's not ideal.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, I know that. He told me that before. I am emotionally more 'active' lets say. He is equally invested, he's putting a LOT of effort into us. Just me being more emotional creates an imbalance. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me or that he doesn't want to be with me. He said he is just different in a relationship than I am, and that sometimes is difficult for the relationship we are having. He wanted to make the relationship work long distance. It was his idea, not mine. He is the one calling me every day and showing me he is making an effort. Things had gotten better.

 

Now there is this stupid set back of him being far away hitting me hard… And me thinking of bad things.

 

We just had a Skype talk for 40 minutes about the same issue (from last night). It's not ideal.

 

Things had gotten better? This very thread (and other recent ones) indicates the opposite. I feel you are contradicting yourself, girl. There are issues in communication, in that you said he'd be online and not bother messaging you, you'd go a few days without hearing anything, you're concerned he doesn't want to make his relationship status known online, etc. You have been worried and thinking bad things because there are problems.

 

I'm not suggesting he doesn't love you. What I am suggesting is that you aren't on an even playing field, and his priorities in a relationship are quite different from yours. And your communications styles are vastly different, too. Him running away/hanging up on you when the talk gets serious isn't a good sign. It's disrespectful and extremely ineffective in problem-solving. That can't continue, and I would hope he doesn't do it again.

 

Why doesn't he want his make relationship status public? I know people say Facebook is silly and so on, but it's clearly something that bothers you. Does he have pictures of you and him on his profile?

[lamaga]

Things had gotten better? This very thread (and other recent ones) indicates the opposite. I feel you are contradicting yourself, girl. There are issues in communication, in that you said he'd be online and not bother messaging you, you'd go a few days without hearing anything, you're concerned he doesn't want to make his relationship status known online, etc. You have been worried and thinking bad things because there are problems.

 

I'm not suggesting he doesn't love you. What I am suggesting is that you aren't on an even playing field, and his priorities in a relationship are quite different from yours. And your communications styles are vastly different, too. Him running away/hanging up on you when the talk gets serious isn't a good sign. It's disrespectful and extremely ineffective in problem-solving. That can't continue, and I would hope he doesn't do it again.

Why doesn't he want his make relationship status public? I know people say Facebook is silly and so on, but it's clearly something that bothers you. Does he have pictures of you and him on his profile?

 

 

He said he doesn't want to, that there is no real reason behind it, only that he's a private guy and he is not hiding anything, he said he introduced me to his parents and family and close friends in his hometown and that should prove to me he loves me.

He has some pictures of us, yes, but he doesn't accept all tags (but not just from me, he's tagged in like 300 pictures but only accepted about 40 of them, he's selective).

 

When I said things have gotten better, I mean he's been very very attentive the past few days, calling every day and texting me throughout days, even sending good night texts, something he'd never done in 10 months relationship.

He also mentioned that today and I said that I cherish that…