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Am I crazy? Both crazy? Idk anymore...


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First time posting on here...might be more of a vent but just need some perspective on this ldr of 7 months. It's been a dream of a relationship, 95% of the time...but we are both very passionate individuals and when a disagreement or a sense of being disrespected, things quickly escalate into going nuclear as neither wants to give in, we are both very competitive. Over the 7 months we have averaged seeing each other for about a 5 days per month...visits are great, we have done some really fun things, bonded, have become very close in spite of the occasional knock down drag it out style. The fights are usually things that are misconstrued feelings of being disrespected, like other girls, her ex-boyfriends, an ok Cupid profile I spaced on disabling...I realize all things that have the ability to erode stress, but after a day or two and the dust clears as realize the connection we have and how we are both struggling not being as close as we'd like. We have plans to move in with each other next month in a new state for both of us...

 

However, the issue came up this past visit of sex. All the previous visits it's been great, hot, passionate relationship building material. But on this visit it seemed stressed and besides the first night and subsequent morning, there was nothing besides one half hearted handiwork after I expressed my needs. Essentially 5 days with not the slightest of intimate physical connection. We had some great conversations, moved forward in that area but I became slightly distressed at the lack of affection, voiced it to her in a calm manner outside of the moment and it blew up into a nuclear fight. I realize she is going through lingering hormonal issues w birth control, work stress, etc, but she didn't communicate any of that to me, that's only things I could anecdotally glean from the situation.

 

I'm really not sure what to do as she is now saying completely different things than she said 2 days ago. 2 days ago we were planning our future together looking at houses to rent, today she is saying my sexual needs are too much for her (which is just a need that I'm a physical male who enjoys intimacy and touch, especially when we won't be seeing each other for a month).

 

Basically, I love this girl so much, we have a connection that I've never had with anyone else, and she says the same thing too...but this feeling of being friend zoned is very hard on me as I feel rejected and not nurtured and loved by more than just words.

 

Am I needy for thinking that? Should I just give her time? I don't even know any more which is why I'm putting this out there, would love to know any of your thoughts.

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May I ask something?

Do the "going nuclear" incidents worry you in their severity and/or frequency?

 

You describe a somewhat dysfunctional and turbulent relationship.

I understand it has its wonderful moments but

I ask because the sex issue (though serious) strikes me as secondary to the extreme drama that seems to exist.

 

Do you envision marrying this person?

Perhaps starting a family and establishing a household?

Edited by cerridwen
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Hi OMilkman..

 

The fights are usually things that are misconstrued feelings of being disrespected, like other girls, her ex-boyfriends, an ok Cupid profile I spaced on disabling...

 

 

Are you saying that these "Fights" are mainly about jealousy /insecurity?

 

We had some great conversations, moved forward in that area but I became slightly distressed at the lack of affection, voiced it to her in a calm manner outside of the moment and it blew up into a nuclear fight. I realize she is going through lingering hormonal issues w birth control, work stress, etc, but she didn't communicate any of that to me, that's only things I could anecdotally glean from the situation.

 

I'm really not sure what to do as she is now saying completely different things than she said 2 days ago. 2 days ago we were planning our future together looking at houses to rent, today she is saying my sexual needs are too much for her (which is just a need that I'm a physical male who enjoys intimacy and touch, especially when we won't be seeing each other for a month).

 

Can you define what a calm manner is? What exactly did you say to her?

 

And by touch, do you mean you didn't hug, kiss, hold hands or anything for 5 days? Or you just didn't get touched in a certain place?

 

I'm just going to say that as a woman, i'm not generally interested in sex after any sort of fight. When things are a bit rocky or i've been hurt, I need a couple of days to "get the feeling back". My BF is all into the make-up sex, (well sex anytime really) but I like space.

 

.. if she has outright said that your sexual needs are too much for her, then I would guess that you are just assuming that her needs are like yours. Woman are complicated, and can have up and down patches in their libido depending on hormones, stress, whatever... and if she just wasn't feeling it for a day or two and you were humping on her leg like a chihuahua, that would have only turned her off more.

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All the previous visits it's been great, hot, passionate relationship building material. But on this visit it seemed stressed and besides the first night and subsequent morning, there was nothing besides one half hearted handiwork after I expressed my needs.
How? What are your needs?

 

Essentially 5 days with not the slightest of intimate physical connection.
So, you usually see her for 5 days in a row each month? And there was no sex during this week this time?

 

I became slightly distressed at the lack of affection, voiced it to her in a calm manner outside of the moment and it blew up into a nuclear fight.
How did you voice that exactly? What did you say?

 

I realize she is going through lingering hormonal issues w birth control, work stress, etc, but she didn't communicate any of that to me, that's only things I could anecdotally glean from the situation.
Generally speaking, when a man doesn't understand a thing, he will blame her hormonal issues, PMS or the like. I would be very careful with that. In most cases, that's BS. And it's the easiest way to put the blame on a female partner without addressing the real causes. Too easy, if you ask me.

 

I'm really not sure what to do as she is now saying completely different things than she said 2 days ago.
That's quite natural. You gave way to second thoughts.

 

today she is saying my sexual needs are too much for her
Again, I'm not sure what your needs are exactly. But I think that if there are issues outside the bedroom, they will also reflect in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. Also, I guess the way you demand things can make a difference, on top of everything.

 

this feeling of being friend zoned is very hard on me as I feel rejected and not nurtured and loved by more than just words.
She may feel the same way if you are not taking things seriously when you fight/argue. Never belittle their importance, or think it's not a big deal. It might be to her. Keeping your profile active on a dating website might be a major thing. Work on improving your behavior and the relationship before focusing on the sex. I think when things are great, passion and arousal come on their own.

If then, intimacy is still disappointing and unsatisfying, I guess you have the answer. She wouldn't be the right person for you.

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I love the internet. You guys all make excellent points and I'll try and respond best I can in order...

 

--yes, the severity has alarmed me for a while now. The fights almost always boil down to insecurity on both parts. As I look at it, it does seem slightly dysfunctional, not sure if the relationship is even fixable at this point as it seems on my end. I've given everything she wants, we have great times, she is satisfied, until I chime in and try to open up about my needs feeling ignored. I've been patient for a long time, but I've realized I don't want to be patiently waiting the whole relationship for my needs to eventually get met, I fear I may always be waiting while I cater to her needs, but I feel ignored.

 

-- and yes, we both talked about establishing a household together. It's not at all all bad times. Lots of great times, feelings of emotional connection, feeling secure and excited for a future together. But every time we get close, we find something seemingly minor to fight about and blow things up big time. Super frustrating, I know I'm accountable, but usually it's after me letting her know how I feel about certain aspects we could work on.

 

-- million to 1, you make many great points and I think you may have hit the nail on the head. During the 5 days we did hug, cuddle, hold hands, but it all seemed more friendly, didn't have any romantic vibe I could feel. And when I brought that up it was shocking to her. Hard to explain, but in all the other visits, it never was felt that way, I knew she was into me and I was into her romantically. That was an undeniable feeling, and when I approached her about how I was feeling, things blew up.

 

-- as for my needs, just needs of feeling close, intimacy emotionally and physical, or at least a conversation explaining how she's feeling. While conversationally she said she loved me and wanted me, her actions were totally contrary and it left me confused as can be. And when I mentioned I was confused and not knowing how she felt, so I tried to spearhead the convo explaining how I felt.

 

--yes, 4-6 days each time. There was physical intimacy first night and next morning and then nothing.

 

-- I voiced it by asking if there was something wrong. I was understanding for 2-3 days with her saying she was stressed with her work, tired, stressed out agin with work. We'd cuddle, but the feeling of distance kept growing inside me and I voiced that to her. We had a great time during the day. She'd say how happy she was with us together, grateful I was there, missed me when I would go on a run, how I was the best thing about her day...but then at night, she'd be distant and not necessarily showing me she loved me like she had in the past visits. It's not like I was expecting anything different than our relationship had been in the past and she didn't voice any concerns about how she was feeling...so when I did about how I was feeling about feeling neglected she took exception and I tried to explain how I felt and she was having none of it, made me feel incredibly neglected and invalidated.

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I've been patient for a long time, but I've realized I don't want to be patiently waiting the whole relationship for my needs to eventually get met, I fear I may always be waiting while I cater to her needs, but I feel ignored.

 

During the 5 days we did hug, cuddle, hold hands, but it all seemed more friendly, didn't have any romantic vibe I could feel. And when I brought that up it was shocking to her. Hard to explain, but in all the other visits, it never was felt that way, I knew she was into me and I was into her romantically. That was an undeniable feeling, and when I approached her about how I was feeling, things blew up.

 

-- as for my needs, just needs of feeling close, intimacy emotionally and physical, or at least a conversation explaining how she's feeling. While conversationally she said she loved me and wanted me, her actions were totally contrary and it left me confused as can be. And when I mentioned I was confused and not knowing how she felt, so I tried to spearhead the convo explaining how I felt.

 

...but then at night, she'd be distant and not necessarily showing me she loved me like she had in the past visits. It's not like I was expecting anything different than our relationship had been in the past and she didn't voice any concerns about how she was feeling...so when I did about how I was feeling about feeling neglected she took exception and I tried to explain how I felt and she was having none of it, made me feel incredibly neglected and invalidated.

 

 

Ok, i appreciate that you are choosing your words carefully... but can you be more specific? Is it lack of penis/vagina sex that you actually want? You are talking about love and intimacy, but i think you are colouring your words to not come across crass maybe?

 

The thing is... as Justwhoiam pointed out, problems outside the bedroom, reflect in the bedroom.

 

You can paint yourself as a sensative new age guy requiring "intimacy" to us all you want... but if to your GF, you are preoccupied with Penis/Vagina sex and seeing every other type of intimacy (kissing hugging etc) as a direct path to the sex that you need, she will keep other intimacy at a "friendly" level.

 

Don't want to make you feel bad or anything... but if the sex is not that great for her... she will avoid it too.

 

So, rather than appeasing us girls by saying you need love, tell us specifically, what your sexual needs are and what it is you want from your GF.

 

 

As for these fights... It really doesn't sound healthy to me and I would view it as a red flag. You've only known each other a few months and if your fights are getting nuclear already, It's really not a good sign. Maybe she is feeling that and doesn't know how to deal with it as she really likes you...

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First time posting on here...might be more of a vent but just need some perspective on this ldr of 7 months. It's been a dream of a relationship, 95% of the time...but we are both very passionate individuals and when a disagreement or a sense of being disrespected, things quickly escalate into going nuclear as neither wants to give in, we are both very competitive. Over the 7 months we have averaged seeing each other for about a 5 days per month...visits are great, we have done some really fun things, bonded, have become very close in spite of the occasional knock down drag it out style. The fights are usually things that are misconstrued feelings of being disrespected, like other girls, her ex-boyfriends, an ok Cupid profile I spaced on disabling...I realize all things that have the ability to erode stress, but after a day or two and the dust clears as realize the connection we have and how we are both struggling not being as close as we'd like. We have plans to move in with each other next month in a new state for both of us...

 

However, the issue came up this past visit of sex. All the previous visits it's been great, hot, passionate relationship building material. But on this visit it seemed stressed and besides the first night and subsequent morning, there was nothing besides one half hearted handiwork after I expressed my needs. Essentially 5 days with not the slightest of intimate physical connection. We had some great conversations, moved forward in that area but I became slightly distressed at the lack of affection, voiced it to her in a calm manner outside of the moment and it blew up into a nuclear fight. I realize she is going through lingering hormonal issues w birth control, work stress, etc, but she didn't communicate any of that to me, that's only things I could anecdotally glean from the situation.

 

I'm really not sure what to do as she is now saying completely different things than she said 2 days ago. 2 days ago we were planning our future together looking at houses to rent, today she is saying my sexual needs are too much for her (which is just a need that I'm a physical male who enjoys intimacy and touch, especially when we won't be seeing each other for a month).

 

Basically, I love this girl so much, we have a connection that I've never had with anyone else, and she says the same thing too...but this feeling of being friend zoned is very hard on me as I feel rejected and not nurtured and loved by more than just words.

 

Am I needy for thinking that? Should I just give her time? I don't even know any more which is why I'm putting this out there, would love to know any of your thoughts.

 

To be honest, you sound like a tool who is angry about not getting what he wants sexually. You say you love her, but it sounds to me that you are only interested in one obvious thing. I give a lot of respect to your gf for even staying with you this long. If it were me, I would have saw the signs and left as soon as you started crying about not getting any "love" or sex as it's meant in your head.

I would say more, but it seems everyone else said what i was going to say, and they are right about most things. I'm sure there's pretty good reason as to why she is being this way, or if at all. but all we hear is your side of the painted picture. If you aren't happy, stand up and do something about it. your way doesn't seem to be working out for you.

But giving you the benefit of the doubt, If expressing how you feel to her and all you hit is a brick wall, Then thats something you need to think about for your own consideration.

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