My grandma died and I feel at my very worst - and I can't reach him!

[lamaga]

I am writing here because I need to vent. I have been in this long distance relationship with my boyfriend now for 2 weeks. He has been TERRIBLE at keeping in touch (see my previous thread).

And it's really bothersome, I even worry that he will want to leave me.

 

I found out today that my dear grandma died. I am devastated. I have been on my couch crying for an hour and a half now, ever since I got off the phone with my mother, and I have been trying to call my boyfriend ever since.

 

These past two weeks I was really cool bout the communication issue… I pulled away and gave him space, hoping he'd come running after me as per usual… But no… Haven't talked to him since Saturday, and then he hasn't been online in 24 hours (!), something completely new.

Now I heard from his friend's girlfriend that they went out for his friend's birthday last night, and that his phone had died.. Today they had orientation day at the university, and now he is probably home sleeping or something.

I am hearing these things from his buddy's girlfriend? I should hear them from HIM! And now his phone is still off and I am completely lonely and I have nobody to talk to and I just want and need him right now and I can't bear this distance right now and the fact that I can not reach him.

 

I don't know what to do.

I messaged him a simple message, writing "I am not well. I need to talk to you. I have been trying to reach you for two days." -- So far nothing.

 

I am so sad right now and I miss him more than ever.

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is to lose a loved one and I am thinking of you. Lean on your family and friends now and remember the wonderful times with her.

 

Second, yes, your boyfriend has been awful about keeping in touch. No more excuses. This is among the many reasons communication between you two needs to be improved ASAP. He is being lazy about it and not prioritizing the relationship. What if something had happened to YOU, God forbid? Sounds like the distance is too much of a distraction for him. I'd say that you need to be more direct in what you need, ie "There has been an emergency in the family. Please call."

 

Side point, but how does his friend's girlfriend know his phone died? Is she there with them, or..?

[Tayla]

My sincere condolence for this loss.

 

Two weeks into ur relationship and you are relying on him as your emotional rock? Sunshine, call a living friend and be heard, you need comfort. You also need to lower ur expectations that he be reachable all the time for you. Are you concerned about his welfare ? Or looking that he be there whenever u call?

[d0nnivain]

Please except my condolences on the loss of your beloved grandmother.

 

Leave BF a text or an e-mail saying that your grandmother died & you need to talk to him.

[lamaga]

My sincere condolence for this loss.

 

Two weeks into ur relationship and you are relying on him as your emotional rock? Sunshine, call a living friend and be heard, you need comfort. You also need to lower ur expectations that he be reachable all the time for you. Are you concerned about his welfare ? Or looking that he be there whenever u call?

 

 

We are together for 9 months, but 2 months Long Distance.

[lamaga]

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is to lose a loved one and I am thinking of you. Lean on your family and friends now and remember the wonderful times with her.

 

Second, yes, your boyfriend has been awful about keeping in touch. No more excuses. This is among the many reasons communication between you two needs to be improved ASAP. He is being lazy about it and not prioritizing the relationship. What if something had happened to YOU, God forbid? Sounds like the distance is too much of a distraction for him. I'd say that you need to be more direct in what you need, ie "There has been an emergency in the family. Please call."

 

Side point, but how does his friend's girlfriend know his phone died? Is she there with them, or..?

 

I live in Europe. My boyfriend is abroad with two friends in Asia. One of them has a girlfriend. I am also good friends with her and we sometimes write each other whats up.. She is also abroad, but into the other direction (North America).

[justwhoiam]

I found out today that my dear grandma died. I am devastated. I have been on my couch crying for an hour and a half now, ever since I got off the phone with my mother, and I have been trying to call my boyfriend ever since.

I guess it was around 1 am for him. Now it should be 2 am in his time zone, right? You should have agreed on stuff before he was leaving.......... like: will you keep your phone on for emergencies at night? And you would have known. I guess he put it to silent or simply off when he's sleeping.

So, you can now stamp your feet for as long as you wish, but that won't help you. Why didn't you agree on what to do. You had plenty of time before he was leaving to prepare and agree stuff together.

 

These past two weeks I was really cool bout the communication issue

Not really. You were not "really cool" about his lack of communication.

 

I heard from his friend's girlfriend that they went out for his friend's birthday last night, and that his phone had died.. Today they had orientation day at the university, and now he is probably home sleeping or something.

I am hearing these things from his buddy's girlfriend? I should hear them from HIM!

Yeah. His friend is keeping in touch with his own gf regularly, with no trouble. And you knew your bf was online all week. But not talking to you. So what should we gather from that? You are smart enough to figure that out.

 

I don't know what to do.

Well you called his mobile several times, and texted him. Now just wait when he gets up. He will probably text you back. Not sure if he'll try to call you. Then see if you can talk to him tomorrow on the phone. Maybe you can ask him to keep his mobile on. And ask him why he's been not keeping in touch more regularly, etc. You tell him exactly what you wrote here, that it's sad that you know all the details from his friend's gf who's very informed on anything going on there, while you're kept in the dark about anything.

 

Be patient. Don't let the stress get the best of you. I join the others with my sympathy for the loss of your grandmother. Try to rest, maybe take a nap and go to bed early. It'll help you get some energy back.

[lamaga]

I guess it was around 1 am for him. Now it should be 2 am in his time zone, right? You should have agreed on stuff before he was leaving.......... like: will you keep your phone on for emergencies at night? And you would have known. I guess he put it to silent or simply off when he's sleeping.

So, you can now stamp your feet for as long as you wish, but that won't help you. Why didn't you agree on what to do. You had plenty of time before he was leaving to prepare and agree stuff together.

 

Not really. You were not "really cool" about his lack of communication.

 

Yeah. His friend is keeping in touch with his own gf regularly, with no trouble. And you knew your bf was online all week. But not talking to you. So what should we gather from that? You are smart enough to figure that out.

 

Well you called his mobile several times, and texted him. Now just wait when he gets up. He will probably text you back. Not sure if he'll try to call you. Then see if you can talk to him tomorrow on the phone. Maybe you can ask him to keep his mobile on. And ask him why he's been not keeping in touch more regularly, etc. You tell him exactly what you wrote here, that it's sad that you know all the details from his friend's gf who's very informed on anything going on there, while you're kept in the dark about anything.

 

Be patient. Don't let the stress get the best of you. I join the others with my sympathy for the loss of your grandmother. Try to rest, maybe take a nap and go to bed early. It'll help you get some energy back.

 

Thanks for the words.

I honestly am hurting so much from all the crying today…

 

We did agree on skyping once a week but also that we would keep in touch during the week, texts and emails etc, but there is nothing coming from him obviously. Maybe it's just first-week-settling… my best friend told me I should wait a week or two and see how it goes, and if it doesn't get better I should say what it is I truly need and that I am unhappy with our communication.

But oh well. I guess now that my grandma died and I realise how much I need him right now, I had a reason to speak up about this earlier.

[ExpatInItaly]

I live in Europe. My boyfriend is abroad with two friends in Asia. One of them has a girlfriend. I am also good friends with her and we sometimes write each other whats up.. She is also abroad, but into the other direction (North America).

 

So how is it that his friend's girlfriend on the other side of the world knows your boyfriend's phone died? Her boyfriend randomly mention this in conversation with her? Or did you specifically ask her if she knew what they were up to that night and why he's been so out of touch?

 

In any case, you're right, it is sad that she knows what's going on with them and you are being left in the dark. Clearly there are opportunities to communicate with loved ones abroad (ie. the friend and his girlfriend) but your boyfriend has opted not to go this route. You're not happy with the situation. It needs to be addressed, and this recent loss highlights the importance of good communication.

 

Imagine going another several months with this level of contact. It won't work.

[lamaga]

I talked to him today for an hour. He was showing sympathy for my grandma dying and he was being sweet. He felt bad he couldn't be there for me yesterday and said he wants to be there for me, of course. I told him I need more contact and he said he will try to do that more. He reminded me that we agreed on Skype once a week and he said he will be less reachable especially in the beginning, and that we talked about this before he left. He said he tried to call me Tuesday even though it was still 5 days away from our arranged Skype call, because he wanted to talk to me, and couldn't reach me. He says he has tried to get in touch but i didn't respond. I said I wanted to give him the space he sort of requested and felt like this is what he wanted. He said he understands, but then i shouldn't wonder if we aren't in touch much, if I am, after all, not contacting him much and just waiting for him to come to me.

He said that he wants to be there for me and that he wants to give me more reassurance, and that he misses me, and thinks of me, but that he has been indeed very busy, meeting new people and taking care of things.

Now he said we will talk again on Sunday and until then I should feel ok and not worry too much.

 

I feel a tiny bit better now, he was sweet, but at the same time I am fearing that he will change into old patterns. He also said that I should not compare us to his friend (who is there with him) and that guys girlfriend… because we have a different relationship than they do. I guess he is right.

Still, I told him that we don't meet in the middle, and rather it seems as if we are meeting on his side… he said he understands and wants to change that.

 

I hope for the best that things will be better now.

[justwhoiam]

He reminded me that we agreed on Skype once a week

I fail to see how people can make such arrangements

Heaven forbid you talk more than that...

 

He said he tried to call me Tuesday [...] because he wanted to talk to me, and couldn't reach me. He says he has tried to get in touch but i didn't respond. I said I wanted to give him the space he sort of requested

You didn't pick his call or answer him on purpose?? I don't get these games.

 

He said that [...] he has been indeed very busy, meeting new people

That's what I thought since the beginning...

 

He also said that I should not compare us to his friend (who is there with him) and that guys girlfriend… because we have a different relationship than they do.

You sure have. And I guess it's on the negative side. Because such relationship is what you'd probably need, while it's not clear what you do have here.

[lamaga]

I fail to see how people can make such arrangements

Heaven forbid you talk more than that...

 

You didn't pick his call or answer him on purpose?? I don't get these games.

 

That's what I thought since the beginning...

 

You sure have. And I guess it's on the negative side. Because such relationship is what you'd probably need, while it's not clear what you do have here.

 

No, i didn't get his call because Skype wouldn't work - he didn't update his Skype and thats why we couldn't connect to one another.

Yes, you are right, I need a relationship with more contact, but the thing is that when we are together, I get that, so I will just have to trust and wait that when he comes back we will have that again, even better.

[ExpatInItaly]

I talked to him today for an hour. He was showing sympathy for my grandma dying and he was being sweet. He felt bad he couldn't be there for me yesterday and said he wants to be there for me, of course. I told him I need more contact and [b]he said he will try to do that more. He reminded me that we agreed on Skype once a week[/b] and he said he will be less reachable especially in the beginning, and that we talked about this before he left. He said he tried to call me Tuesday even though it was still 5 days away from our arranged Skype call, because he wanted to talk to me, and couldn't reach me. He says he has tried to get in touch but i didn't respond. I said I wanted to give him the space he sort of requested and felt like this is what he wanted. He said he understands, but then i shouldn't wonder if we aren't in touch much, if I am, after all, not contacting him much and just waiting for him to come to me.

He said that he wants to be there for me and that he wants to give me more reassurance, and that he misses me, and thinks of me, but that he has been indeed very busy, meeting new people and taking care of things.

Now he said we will talk again on Sunday and until then I should feel ok and not worry too much.

 

I feel a tiny bit better now, he was sweet, but at the same time I am fearing that he will change into old patterns. He also said that I should not compare us to his friend (who is there with him) and that guys girlfriend… because we have a different relationship than they do. I guess he is right.

Still, I told him that we don't meet in the middle, and rather it seems as if we are meeting on his side… he said he understands and wants to change that.

 

I hope for the best that things will be better now.

 

It sounds as though he's ok with the current arrangement, and doesn't want to make you any promises he can't keep. See what happens over the next couple weeks. I wouldn't be too surprised if things don't change much, though.

 

It's understandable that he's busy right now. It's understandable that the time difference makes it tricky. But he also agreed to try long-distance. I don't see how asking for a bit more contact than once a week is unreasonable. If you don't nurture a relationship, it won't survive. I don't blame you at all for being unhappy with the current situation.

[lamaga]

It sounds as though he's ok with the current arrangement, and doesn't want to make you any promises he can't keep. See what happens over the next couple weeks. I wouldn't be too surprised if things don't change much, though.

 

It's understandable that he's busy right now. It's understandable that the time difference makes it tricky. But he also agreed to try long-distance. I don't see how asking for a bit more contact than once a week is unreasonable. If you don't nurture a relationship, it won't survive. I don't blame you at all for being unhappy with the current situation.

 

Thanks. Yeah, I am glad that I am not crazy here, because I think talking once a week is definitely not working for me, I need more contact than that. And he said himself he wants that too, he tried calling Tuesday and could not get through… But again, I kept spiralling, thinking he doesn't want me anymore. I really need to get my **** together….

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks. Yeah, I am glad that I am not crazy here, because I think talking once a week is definitely not working for me, I need more contact than that. And he said himself he wants that too, he tried calling Tuesday and could not get through… But again, I kept spiralling, thinking he doesn't want me anymore. I really need to get my **** together….

 

It does take two to tango, though. You may well have unnecessary anxiety but he also could be doing more to help the relationship ease into long-distance. From the way I read it, he sort of set the tone/pace for the long-distance aspect and you agreed to it more or less to avoid coming across as needy or insecure. It doesn't exactly sound as though you're meeting in the middle; it's more on his terms. Perhaps that will change now - keep an eye on his actions over the coming weeks and decide if it's going to work for you.

 

Rather unrelated but I'm curious about a previous comment you made: your boyfriend said not to compare the relationship between his best friend/his girlfriend and you and him, because your relationship is different. Different in what sense?

Edited September 13, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[lamaga]

It does take two to tango, though. You may well have unnecessary anxiety but he also could be doing more to help the relationship ease into long-distance. From the way I read it, he sort of set the tone/pace for the long-distance aspect and you agreed to it more or less to avoid coming across as needy or insecure. It doesn't exactly sound as though you're meeting in the middle; it's more on his terms. Perhaps that will change now - keep an eye on his actions over the coming weeks and decide if it's going to work for you.

 

Rather unrelated but I'm curious about a previous comment you made: your boyfriend said not to compare the relationship between his best friend/his girlfriend and you and him, because your relationship is different. Different in what sense?

 

yeah, no clue about that… but i think he believes we connect on a complete different level… he says a lot of the bull**** his friends deal with we shouldn't even consider, like jealousy or believing the other person could cheat, since we are above that, much stronger than that. he sort of was vague about what he meant with that, and i had no clue what to say then because he changed the subject (that he was reading my novel that i am writing - i had it printed out and he took it with him and started reading it). so he's good at avoiding these topics. but he also mentioned the reason why he often changes the subject in such situations is that he thinks we do a lot of rehashing when it comes to these conversations and that he keeps repeating the same things to reassure me, and would prefer using the time we have to Skype to be happy together and not always discuss the same problems that, for him, aren't really problems.

 

i think he feels way more secure in the relationship than me. i really hope his actions will show in the coming days/weeks that he understands me and will be there for me more.

[Els]

Sorry about your loss.

 

As for the situation with your bf, correct me if I'm wrong:

1) You initially agreed to Skype only once a week? As in, you said it was totally fine for you?

2) You were agitated about not being able to contact him for an hour and a half after hearing the bad news.

 

Well, first off, I read your other thread, and I agree that he should be doing more to meet your needs re: contact. And you should not agree to contact schedules that you would not be fine with! IMO Skype once a week on a regular basis is abysmal for someone who's living in a city and has internet access. You have every right to expect more.

 

As for point #2... unfortunately in LDRs that we aren't always able to get emotional support as and when we need it. Even if your bf had been good with contact in general, it would be normal to go several hours without being able to share your bad news, due to timezone and scheduling conflicts. Unfortunately that is something you have to be able to accept and live with if you want to be in a LDR.

[lamaga]

Sorry about your loss.

 

As for the situation with your bf, correct me if I'm wrong:

1) You initially agreed to Skype only once a week? As in, you said it was totally fine for you?

2) You were agitated about not being able to contact him for an hour and a half after hearing the bad news.

 

Well, first off, I read your other thread, and I agree that he should be doing more to meet your needs re: contact. And you should not agree to contact schedules that you would not be fine with! IMO Skype once a week on a regular basis is abysmal for someone who's living in a city and has internet access. You have every right to expect more.

 

As for point #2... unfortunately in LDRs that we aren't always able to get emotional support as and when we need it. Even if your bf had been good with contact in general, it would be normal to go several hours without being able to share your bad news, due to timezone and scheduling conflicts. Unfortunately that is something you have to be able to accept and live with if you want to be in a LDR.

 

 

Yes, we initially agreed to Skype once a week… I noticed it wasn't enough for me and so he agreed to do twice a week…

Today I was on my way home from school when he skyped me, wanted to say 'good night' (as it was already night time for him). Unfortunately I couldn't answer because I was carrying groceries… But I am so happy he is making more of an effort now!!