Love of my life.. to being pushed out of her life.

[chief87]

My story goes... I'm 27 and the girl I've been seeing for a year now is 23. We're both from the same small town and she was living about an hour away. Well she got a job with a company and has 3 months of training about 7 hours away. She's always had in her mind that once training was done she would be offered a job close to home and really never wanted to leave in the first place. Hopefully she'd be back home in 2 years. Before she left she made the comment 'Can you propose so I don't have to leave'. Our love for each other was very strong. We made promises to see each other, at one point she would be at home 3 wknds in a row and talk everyday. Talk about having a future together, traveling, getting married, having kids....

 

well things changed when she got down there. She kind of pushed everyone out of her life; Me, her parents, her friends. She doesn't go out of her way to contact you; we have to contact her. She never came home... she won't let me visit her because she says shes too busy. I ask her what she's doing for the wknd, said golfing and watching football with her fellow trainees (7 guys, 2 other girls)... I don't call that busy. So basically I have to wait 3 months to see my girlfriend that is only a car ride away!

 

Also, now she thinks shes going to be offered a job 2,000 miles away and is talking about taking it. I understand your career is important.. but to take an entry level job 2,000 miles away is crazy. The thing is her family has a great business at home in the same line of work as what shes training for. It's like what we have doesn't matter anymore. I'm being completely pushed out of her life.. shes treating all of her loved ones back home the same way. Her mother and best friend feel like red headed step children.

 

I plan on staying patient. We still talk about our future, But I am completely frustrated with how things have went. Yeah I'm a little bit jealous, but before she left we were the center of each others lives. Has anyone else went through this type of long distance difficulty? I need advice.

 

Thanks

[chados]

i get what youre saying. i've been there too. and still am in a way.

 

just dont push her. tell her what you want to do and if she doesnt like that you cant do anything about it. the more you let her control you the more she will start trying to control you. not because she's mean but because the more you do something for someone the less they will do this for you. if you tell her that everything she wants is something you want. then she's just gonna make you do things you dont want to do until she gets bored realizing that she's owning you.

[chief87]

I've kind of been thinking that in my head. Just going to blow it off. Feel like she needs to know my life doesn't revolve around her, even though I want her to be in my life forever. Thanks for the advice

[chados]

I've kind of been thinking that in my head. Just going to blow it off. Feel like she needs to know my life doesn't revolve around her, even though I want her to be in my life forever. Thanks for the advice

 

 

 

yeah but its not easy. especially being abandon in a way. i do think that most things in a relationship can be fixed. sometimes its important to let them know that you dont need them but you want them in your life. showing her that shes your only option for happiness will make her feel that she doesnt have a guy worthy enough of her. im not saying break up, im saying explain to her how you feel about were the relationship is heading.

[chief87]

I agree. I plan on doing that. I don't think either of us want to break up but I shouldn't be supporting the relationship by myself. Felt the entire time shes been gone that its fallen squarely on my shoulders. Not fair.

[chados]

I agree. I plan on doing that. I don't think either of us want to break up but I shouldn't be supporting the relationship by myself. Felt the entire time shes been gone that its fallen squarely on my shoulders. Not fair.

 

 

 

yeah do that and if something is to complicated to figure out yourself. come back and ask for peoples opinions

[justwhoiam]

This takes me back to another thread I've just read in this section of LS.

 

Which is the guy who remained virgin until 25, then made love and that opened a whole new world to him.

 

Well, basically, it's been like that for your girlfriend too.

 

My questions to you:

Does a boyfriend need approval to meet his girlfriend?

Do you think it's reasonable that she doesn't want you to meet her where she lives?

 

Also, being patient to me would mean helping her find her way, not to wait passively and let her do her thing even walking all over you.

[chief87]

Right both good questions. However she won't let anyone visit. Me, her mother, her best friend. We all feel that she is very homesick and seeing us would make her not want to come home. The second question is spot on! No, I'm not going to let her walk all over me.. I'm done with that. I'm going to hold my ground from now on. She was never like this until she moved. She's walking over everybody she loves.. not just me. Everyone's frustrated and we're not going to put up with it. Thank you for your input. It was very helpful

[ExpatInItaly]

Your girlfriend doesn't want to see you, and she's thinking of moving even further away. That doesn't sound like homesickness to me- that sounds more like a young woman who is eager to become independent and explore. For you, it might make perfect sense for her to work back home with her family. But if that's not what she wants, it's her choice.

 

I think you need to talk to her. It's troublesome that she doesn't want you to visit. As someone else said, don't mistake patience for passiveness. You're clearly not thrilled with the current status of the relationship. Explain your reasons and ask her if she's really still on the same page. There's no reason why you should be left hanging while she's "busy" all weekend, every weekend. That's not fair to you. Either she wants a boyfriend or doesn't.

 

I've also moved far from home. I can tell you that my homesickness didn't involve cutting everyone off. We're all different of course, but I think your concerns are valid ones

[GoBlue]

The real question that should be addressed is "What makes a committed relationship?" The very meaning of the word relationship draws the idea of two people committed to one another as an act of their will. Love is a choice and it cannot be demanded, it has to be given freely. What you have described is not a normal long distance relationship scenario. It seems to me that your are doubting that she is currently vested in the relationship, which is why these fears are gripping your heart.

 

Have you sought counsel with your parents, a Pastor, or another unbiased third party? I don't usually give specific advice on these forums unless I am suggesting a book or something because it's so hard to know what's really going on when you only get one person's perspective. Honest and open communication is the basis of all real intimacy. Have you considered writing her a detailed letter laying out exactly how you feel? A letter would put the responsibility upon her to respond and would give you the opportunity to clarify how you feel, what you expect, and what you are willing to do if the relationship doesn't change. If you're really not willing to do anything but sit home and be afraid of what is happening between the two of you, then the power sits directly in her court. Love is shared power and willingness to meet the other person's needs.

[chief87]

Yes I have discussed with her. She knows my feelings on the situation. Definitely not sitting around stewing about it, I have taken action. I've had good talks with her parents, my parents, my friends, and her friends. They know the situation and they know her... they know what I mean to her. They share the same pain as me.. being second fiddle to her career. This training program ends in a month and we will be together for 3 weeks. I plan on letting her know what my future plans are and hopefully we can come to a better understanding of what lies ahead. If we can't end up somewhere in the middle then its time for us to move on. I just think we both have difficult days being away.. mine was yesterday when I posted this. Then later that night we chatted and I felt better about the situation. We still talk about our future together so its not like she's shunned me or anything. I'd just prefer her not to move 2,000 miles away when this program is over. I think it would be extremely difficult for our relationship to progress being that far apart.. there would have to be an end date of 6 months to a year, with plenty of visits in between. Hopefully it doesn't come to that point, but if it does I will be prepared. Thank you for the responses.

[justwhoiam]

she won't let anyone visit. Me, her mother, her best friend.

So... why's that? What do you think? Maybe she doesn't want anyone to know about her accomodation arrangement. Like she's sleeping with some roommate.............

[chief87]

It's went through my head yes.. I don't think that's the case.. worst case scenario. I've thought about asking, but I don't know. Just a tough situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's went through my head yes.. I don't think that's the case.. worst case scenario. I've thought about asking, but I don't know. Just a tough situation.

 

Hm. Why don't you think that's the case, and why haven't you asked?

 

Something doesn't add up. She essentially banned anyone from home coming to see her. She's keeping this separate from her home life for a reason. You just haven't discovered what it is yet. And it's not because she's always busy hanging out with colleagues.

[AlephNull]

Yes I have discussed with her. She knows my feelings on the situation. Definitely not sitting around stewing about it, I have taken action. I've had good talks with her parents, my parents, my friends, and her friends. They know the situation and they know her... they know what I mean to her. They share the same pain as me.. being second fiddle to her career. This training program ends in a month and we will be together for 3 weeks. I plan on letting her know what my future plans are and hopefully we can come to a better understanding of what lies ahead. If we can't end up somewhere in the middle then its time for us to move on. I just think we both have difficult days being away.. mine was yesterday when I posted this. Then later that night we chatted and I felt better about the situation. We still talk about our future together so its not like she's shunned me or anything. I'd just prefer her not to move 2,000 miles away when this program is over. I think it would be extremely difficult for our relationship to progress being that far apart.. there would have to be an end date of 6 months to a year, with plenty of visits in between. Hopefully it doesn't come to that point, but if it does I will be prepared. Thank you for the responses.

 

I am amazed, you seem very patient. If my girlfriend said that she was "busy" golfing or watching football with other people, and I'm not "allowed" ( yeahhhh right ) to go visit her, she would need another boyfriend.

Come on, if she can say that BEFORE moving 2,000 miles away... eh... not looking good.

 

I hope you can talk to her about it, but don't be a doormat and bend over just because. If you have to let her go, do it, otherwise you'll just indirectly tell her that you can be manipulated.

 

Good luck to ya.