Long Distance Relationship Confusion.

[Natsu21]

Hypothetical question.

 

Suppose you got close to someone you met online. And you've been talking and getting casual for 7 months.

 

You have a HEATED argument...names were called. Lots of em. We had planned on meeting for months. Next month was the scheduled meet-up.

 

Because of the argument, girls cancels it and say she wants to push the date back till we're "in a good place"

 

Suppose that enrages you. You've been loyal to someone you haven't met yet and they suddenly canceled meeting up soon. Suppose she said we have to, because she doesn't want to see me and be angry at me.

 

Suppose that makes you pull back. And not talk to her as much. Suppose that angers her. Because you're tired of waiting. But at the same time, you really like this girl.

 

Suppose you say that you had made plans for the trip next month and had them set, and she cancels them over a series of arguments to be pushed back.

 

Suppose you ask for a skype date instead to make up for it. Suppose she refuses, over and over again.

 

Suppose you're 700 miles away from her and you've waited 7 months to see this woman, just to have this pushed back for possibly nearly a year?

 

If a few arguments that got nasty broke out, is that a reason to push back meeting for the first time? (the argument, ironically, was about meeting up)

 

What do I do? I need answers from people who have dealt long distance.

[Natsu21]

Waiting for responses *whistles*

[TAV]

If one of the parties is not keen on meeting that strikes me as unnatural and probably much more is at play. I would quit while I was ahead if I was you. A first meeting is supposed to be exciting, something you look forward to, this is obviously not the case so no point in pursuing.

[Natsu21]

If one of the parties is not keen on meeting that strikes me as unnatural and probably much more is at play. I would quit while I was ahead if I was you. A first meeting is supposed to be exciting, something you look forward to, this is obviously not the case so no point in pursuing.

 

^My point exactly.

 

If the girl says that meeting would be bad because she doesn't want to be angry at me and wants us to cool off...regardless of the reasons...

 

After 7 months, and the scheduled trip for next month, wouldn't anyone feel rightfully pissed and demand that the person meet next month or walk?

[TAV]

Yes, if you truly cared for each other what better way to discuss your issues than in person? I do think she is using this argument as away to get out of the meeting. Are you sure she is who she says she is? That she is also capable of being the fun person you know when she is face to face with you?

[Natsu21]

yes, if you truly cared for each other what better way to discuss your issues than in person?

 

thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally someone said it!

[Natsu21]

Yes, if you truly cared for each other what better way to discuss your issues than in person? I do think she is using this argument as away to get out of the meeting. Are you sure she is who she says she is? That she is also capable of being the fun person you know when she is face to face with you?

 

You'd think the person would at least skype. But no, she does not.

[TAV]

So not hypothetical at all Well, you should not have accepted that. Are you sure you are not talking to a man? Have you at least had her on the phone?? If so, was she as talkative as she was in text/chat?

 

I have no idea why someone would invest in a online relationship that only consists of text/chat for 7 months. You also have to scratch your own head and wonder why you did?

[justwhoiam]

Suppose you're 700 miles away from her and you've waited 7 months to see this woman, just to have this pushed back for possibly nearly a year?

What kind of question is this? I do suppose, but then what?

 

If a few arguments that got nasty broke out, is that a reason to push back meeting for the first time?

Heck, yes. I would reconsider everything. What am I doing? This guy called me names, why should I even meet him in the first place? You know, sometimes it's not about what sets the fire, rather how you deal with it. And I guess you dealt with it horribly. When things escalate, and you let that happen without refraining from being offensive, etc, that will have consequences. So you'd better think about them before you get to that point. If you reach point of no return, blame yourself afterwards. I mean, do you really like her? Then don't let such things happen or you'll regret it.

 

(the argument, ironically, was about meeting up)

Well, it sounds serious to me. Maybe you can tell what happened exactly, why she got mad/bothered, how you lost it, and how it escalated.

 

What do I do?

Before I was going to him for the first time (not our first meeting), he made me cry. It was two months before my trip. I couldn't cancel the trip, but I was considering not meeting him at all, like cancelling hotels, and go some other place instead, so that he couldn't find me. He got mad, things were said, but no name calling.

 

I don't know what happened, who started it nor who's right (truth often lies somewhere in the middle), but first, you should say you're sorry. Truly sorry about what happened. Unfortunately, for men it can take days to say they're sorry, instead of 5 minutes later. More time you let go by, the more you leave the other person on their own, and more time they'll have to think about what happened and think negatively about everything. Interestingly, at times men think they said sorry right away, when it was after 8 hours instead.

 

If you do want to see her, say sorry. You want to calm her down and reassure her, but not by telling her "calm down". To let her know you really mean it, do something special for her. You can be creative with that. Show her you can go out of your way for her. But no ILUs or that kind of stuff before even meeting her for the first time.

I agree you need to talk to her, but before getting to that, you need to go straight to her heart. I guess she might only talk to you after seeing you're sorry about what happened, and it won't happen anymore.

 

Maybe it's not a good start calling each other names before even meeting. Maybe that's a sign. Who knows. But it could also be just a faux pas, and the distance can often cause such tension. But knowing that, you need to be prepared. You need to have a lot of patience to deal with a LD girlfriend.

Edited August 30, 2014 by justwhoiam

[justwhoiam]

wouldn't anyone feel rightfully pissed and demand that the person meet next month or walk?

Watch out with this kind of threats. She won't be back because of you blackmailing her. Actually, it can only get worse, if you ask me.

 

Are you sure she is who she says she is?

Well, obviously this is essential. If it is or can be a catfish case, then move on.

[central]

LDRs prior to ever having met are largely delusional fantasies. I've had some good LDRs myself, with 6 months of communication before meeting. If there'd been any significant arguments, I'd have given up any thought of meeting. I think that's what you should do - move on. The situation has soured, and I don't think you'll ever get past it. Why even try, when it is so much easier to find someone nearby so that these kinds of problems never even arise?

 

If you do meet, I think you will continue to argue, and the trip will be a waste and only fuel more resentment. If you must, work it out by phone first, and then consider meeting if you can both get over the negativity.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Due to distance limitations and marriage... over 3 years of LDR, we cannot meet.

 

We have had arguments from misunderstandings. Mostly cleared up in a day or over the weekend.

 

Never have I name called or been in a rage. Though she has twice, but I knew her relationship was taxing on her to begin with and having a potty mouth did not make for sweet arguments.

 

Never have we held back from what we feel so arguments were love pangs if anything. If I had been lacking any understanding to her needs and wants from me, she sure as %$@* would call it quits in a heart beat.

 

Your lucky to have a second try... and I would not complain or push the time sooner in seeing each other.

 

Your going to have to work at this a wee harder now and get rid of quick hot hotheadedness in arguments and stop and think. Understand her side 1st as she may not see your side when explaining what is clear to you.

[Natsu21]

What kind of question is this? I do suppose, but then what?

 

Heck, yes. I would reconsider everything. What am I doing? This guy called me names, why should I even meet him in the first place? You know, sometimes it's not about what sets the fire, rather how you deal with it. And I guess you dealt with it horribly. When things escalate, and you let that happen without refraining from being offensive, etc, that will have consequences. So you'd better think about them before you get to that point. If you reach point of no return, blame yourself afterwards. I mean, do you really like her? Then don't let such things happen or you'll regret it.

 

Well, it sounds serious to me. Maybe you can tell what happened exactly, why she got mad/bothered, how you lost it, and how it escalated.

 

Before I was going to him for the first time (not our first meeting), he made me cry. It was two months before my trip. I couldn't cancel the trip, but I was considering not meeting him at all, like cancelling hotels, and go some other place instead, so that he couldn't find me. He got mad, things were said, but no name calling.

 

I don't know what happened, who started it nor who's right (truth often lies somewhere in the middle), but first, you should say you're sorry. Truly sorry about what happened. Unfortunately, for men it can take days to say they're sorry, instead of 5 minutes later. More time you let go by, the more you leave the other person on their own, and more time they'll have to think about what happened and think negatively about everything. Interestingly, at times men think they said sorry right away, when it was after 8 hours instead.

 

If you do want to see her, say sorry. You want to calm her down and reassure her, but not by telling her "calm down". To let her know you really mean it, do something special for her. You can be creative with that. Show her you can go out of your way for her. But no ILUs or that kind of stuff before even meeting her for the first time.

I agree you need to talk to her, but before getting to that, you need to go straight to her heart. I guess she might only talk to you after seeing you're sorry about what happened, and it won't happen anymore.

 

Maybe it's not a good start calling each other names before even meeting. Maybe that's a sign. Who knows. But it could also be just a faux pas, and the distance can often cause such tension. But knowing that, you need to be prepared. You need to have a lot of patience to deal with a LD girlfriend.

 

I've said sorry till I'm blue in the face...

 

Pushing it back ticks me off, especially after 7 months...but

 

then she refuses to skype me when she is more than capable of doing so? How do you explain that?

 

I'm angry because I figure that if we got problems, maybe meeting could help us, especially after having been away from each other for the longest.

 

and then she wants to push it back after 7 months weeks before we meet.

 

If she was upset, she should have canceled the meeting altogether, not tell me to "wait for her" will she figures things out with us.

 

^I feel like I'm being played. Simple as that. I just need other people's opinion because I honestly am not sure if I should walk away. Without any real plan of meeting...there's no point in any of this.

Edited August 30, 2014 by Natsu21

[Natsu21]

So not hypothetical at all Well, you should not have accepted that. Are you sure you are not talking to a man? Have you at least had her on the phone?? If so, was she as talkative as she was in text/chat?

 

I have no idea why someone would invest in a online relationship that only consists of text/chat for 7 months. You also have to scratch your own head and wonder why you did?

 

She's a woman. I've talked to her on the phone plenty of times

[justwhoiam]

she refuses to skype me when she is more than capable of doing so? How do you explain that?

She's hurt. What happened? How can I say what I think if I don't even know what happened?

 

I'm angry because I figure that if we got problems, maybe meeting could help us, especially after having been away from each other for the longest.

That would suggest you met her a first time. But you didn't, did you? Don't be angry, you're looking for logical explanations. Females are more emotional creatures, so she's not deciding by logic, rather by heart.

 

If she was upset, she should have canceled the meeting altogether, not tell me to "wait for her" will she figures things out with us.

Hmm, she's taking time to think and figure things out. If you're in such a hurry to say bye bye to her, then why don't you just do it. She's not being impulsive and saying bye for good. She knows something went wrong, and wants to see if things can be fixed. But you probably need to do something to fix them. While you are focusing on her not meeting you and wasting time.

 

I feel like I'm being played. Simple as that. I just need other people's opinion because I honestly am not sure if I should walk away.

Follow your heart. Do you want to meet her and see if she's right for you, regardless of what happened? Then you need to see if things are fixable. She's keeping the door open, otherwise she should have gone full NC right away. She doesn't want to skype right now. Then do something else.

 

Without any real plan of meeting...there's no point in any of this.

Then you don't need our advice. Just drop her and find someone else.

[Natsu21]

She's hurt. What happened? How can I say what I think if I don't even know what happened?

 

That would suggest you met her a first time. But you didn't, did you? Don't be angry, you're looking for logical explanations. Females are more emotional creatures, so she's not deciding by logic, rather by heart.

 

Hmm, she's taking time to think and figure things out. If you're in such a hurry to say bye bye to her, then why don't you just do it. She's not being impulsive and saying bye for good. She knows something went wrong, and wants to see if things can be fixed. But you probably need to do something to fix them. While you are focusing on her not meeting you and wasting time.

 

Follow your heart. Do you want to meet her and see if she's right for you, regardless of what happened? Then you need to see if things are fixable. She's keeping the door open, otherwise she should have gone full NC right away. She doesn't want to skype right now. Then do something else.

 

Then you don't need our advice. Just drop her and find someone else.

 

It was a series of fights. Lots of them petty. They ranged from an arrest back in June(it was later cleared) to some things about her past to my family issues. I suggested that we still keep our date and try to work through it, because that was the end goal of the wait.

 

I'm upset because I believe that we should meet regardless and that waiting, after this long, is more than justified. Following her heart or not, it seems like lot of work just to have that happen.

 

It doesn't exactly make me trust her more. Then again...she doesn't trust me and that's why she's acting like this. Reason: she thinks I'm cheating.

[justwhoiam]

she thinks I'm cheating.

Well, so what do you want to do? Walk away? That wouldn't be your move if you cared. I guess you don't care that much after all. Which I can understand, because you never met her yet.

 

I don't think an arrest is petty. It looks like she went through a lot already, and she's still there.

[Natsu21]

Well, so what do you want to do? Walk away? That wouldn't be your move if you cared. I guess you don't care that much after all. Which I can understand, because you never met her yet.

 

I don't think an arrest is petty. It looks like she went through a lot already, and she's still there.

 

Ftr, I didn't do anything.

 

You probably won't believe me, but it was a domestic dispute. Sister beat me up for trying to leave the house, and then called the cops on me. We were on vacation at the time with my sister in another state. Charges were dropped before the first court date, due to lack of evidence.

 

After I was freed the next morning, I asked her a hypothetical question. What would happen if I were to be arrested and tried for a crime I didn't commit and had to sit in jail for a while till the case was over. She said she wouldn't wait for me, but that we could pick things up when I get out.

 

This conversation alone, and we started fighting more than ever.

[Natsu21]

Well, so what do you want to do? Walk away? That wouldn't be your move if you cared. I guess you don't care that much after all. Which I can understand, because you never met her yet.

 

I don't think an arrest is petty. It looks like she went through a lot already, and she's still there.

 

I haven't met her, which is why I feel meeting would be important.

[GemmaUK]

I don't understand why you got locked up when your sister beat you up. Why were there charges against you?

 

That though along with arguments and name calling would put me on red alert and to never want to meet them.

If someone 'demanded' we meet then he would go totally off my radar.

 

I may not even end any correspondence and just actively ignore the guy.

 

Having said all that I wouldn't get into a 'relationship' without having met someone in the first place.

[Natsu21]

I don't understand why you got locked up when your sister beat you up. Why were there charges against you?

 

That though along with arguments and name calling would put me on red alert and to never want to meet them.

If someone 'demanded' we meet then he would go totally off my radar.

 

I may not even end any correspondence and just actively ignore the guy.

 

Having said all that I wouldn't get into a 'relationship' without having met someone in the first place.

 

It happened in Florida. Long story short, sister lied on me to the police, and by law, if a domestic violence claim is made, someone has to be arrested(this happened on vacation) State later dropped the charges, partially due to finding out that my sister was in a psych ward and had a history of mental illness. It was a psychotic episode gone horribly wrong.

 

Anyway, update.

 

I felt like at that point, we should have gone with the original date...I was wasting time and energy on said trip.

 

She wanted to delay the trip...so I canceled it and blocked her.

 

Regardless of the reasons, if you don't want to meet someone, it's not fair to lie to them to keep them hanging on, so I let go.

Edited August 31, 2014 by Natsu21

[Natsu21]

LDRs prior to ever having met are largely delusional fantasies. I've had some good LDRs myself, with 6 months of communication before meeting. If there'd been any significant arguments, I'd have given up any thought of meeting. I think that's what you should do - move on. The situation has soured, and I don't think you'll ever get past it. Why even try, when it is so much easier to find someone nearby so that these kinds of problems never even arise?

 

If you do meet, I think you will continue to argue, and the trip will be a waste and only fuel more resentment. If you must, work it out by phone first, and then consider meeting if you can both get over the negativity.

 

Actually finding someone nearby is practically impossible, considering where I live.

 

But in a few months I'll be leaving small town America and going to a bigger city.

 

More than likely I'll be homeless, but at this point, I don't have much of a choice. I'm more focused on trying to build myself from the ground up...so for now, long distance just isn't my thing.

 

I'm too poor for it anyway.

Edited August 31, 2014 by Natsu21

[ExpatInItaly]

As others have said, forget this girl. You haven't ever met and this much drama? It's never going to work. You're not a good match. She doesn't appear to be all that interested in meeting anyway. I think this fight was the icing on the cake, given the past dramas. Or, she might not be telling you the whole story about who she really is. Have you ever Skyped with her before? Keep her blocked and move on.

[Natsu21]

As others have said, forget this girl. You haven't ever met and this much drama? It's never going to work. You're not a good match. She doesn't appear to be all that interested in meeting anyway. I think this fight was the icing on the cake, given the past dramas. Or, she might not be telling you the whole story about who she really is. Have you ever Skyped with her before? Keep her blocked and move on.

 

Asked her countless times. She always made up some excuse.

 

"I don't think we're ready."

 

" I want to wait till closer to the date"

 

"I feel like we should take it slow."

 

It's been 7 months. Slow my ass.

 

But the moment she finds that I'm talking to someone else, especially a girl, while I'm talking to her, she lashes out.

 

And she ALWAYS want to sext? What the heck is with a woman who is obsessed with sexting?

 

I remember during the time we were getting to know each other, she said "Sexting is more emotionally fueled than actual sex."

 

I asked her "So, is there a guy you have a friends with benefits relationship with?"

 

She said...and I quote "Yeah, we have sex, but it doesn't mean anything."

 

This was 3 weeks after we were getting to know each other.

 

So I asked her "Would you give that up easily for another man?"

 

She said "Not easily. I mean it doesn't mean anything, but it's fun."

 

I remember an incident, where we first talked, that she was upset because one of the guys she was currently screwing had left her high and dry for a meetup. She was upset cause she said she was worried.

 

I told her "You two aren't dating. You're just screwing, what's with the concern? He clearly isn't concerned for you."

 

that was the first day we spoke.

 

 

5 months later, she said she gave him up for me.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited August 31, 2014 by Natsu21

[justwhoiam]

What do you guys think?

That you're either trolling or reality is much more messed up than fantasy.

 

Just speaking my mind, no offence intended.