Sunshine247 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 So recently I had problem with handling my feelings. Me and a girl from UK are in love and having some sort of long distant relationship. We met a month ago for the first time and was amzing but since then, everything went downwards. We aren't really a couple because we both agreed we're gonna take it slow. I was fine with it at first but now since she actually learned how to handle this, I feel ignored and broken hearted. I get that its literally dum* but I love her, and we talk every day. It came to a point that i actually asked her how does she keep her feeling so calm and she answered that she tries loving me less. I was shocked but I thought its for the best. I dealt with it but now every time I try to show her love, she literally denies it and either leave a message as "Seen" or just change the topic. She has experienced long distant love before and i think she doesn't wanna make the same mistake twice. Though I'm in love with her and I simply cant deny love just like that. It hurts me alot and I'm pretty much depressed all the time because of it. All she wants is to take it slow and its too mainstream for me. We were friends before we fell in love for like 6 months and we never had a single arguments and now it makes everything hard and i have a feeling that there's a tight line between me and here just waiting to slam apart. She knows whats going on with me and she tries to help me, she is there for me and she clearly still has feelings for me. I realize she has a life to live and I give her space but I sometimes feel so ignored, i'd rather just smack myself in the ground. How am I supposed to handle feelings so i'm not getting hurt meanwhile? I get that i'll be hurt anyway but this is just getting out of the way for me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Just because you feel love for someone doesn't change behavior. Try being secure in your feelings. Ask her for what you want -- her to initiate more contact, to Skype more, to set some realistic goals when you can see each other etc. To just say I love somebody on the other side of computer doesn't fix anything; it may make things feel more hopeless if you aren't getting the communication you want & there is no realistic possibility that you will get to see them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zeurich Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 what I wanted to say has been said so no need to say again. I think best way is getting to a good communication. We all can say but hard to get it done Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 People who met a month ago shouldn't have an exclusive LDR. You can each date local people now, and if you're ever in the same location, you can meet up, and it will be almost like you just met each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunshine247 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 We do contact alot and we've been before we even met, like all the free time pretty much. we usually cammed and we still cam every day for few hours before one of us go to bed. Else is pretty much talking on fb, whatsapp or skype. Also we're planning to meet again in a month or so and we're thinking about a trip for a day or two. Though when we discuss that, she usually gets upset since she doesnt have a lot of money to work with. I do on the other hand but she said she wants to make me happy and not poor. so me paying for everything is again - a no-deal. I told myself i wont bring it up for like a while so things chill down abit. I know she has a life to live and i understand that. Only sometimes. Sometimes i get emotional downs and i simply dont think of anything else but her and how is this gonna work. Thats the problem and I have no idea how to fix these downs. I mean everything would go great if i wouldn't care so much in the first place and not saying that its a bad thing but atleast I feel good when i care about her. Link to post Share on other sites
ktya Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I ended up in an LDR thing earlier this year. It was beautiful for what it was and the communication was incredible but after a while it just got too stressful on either side. We both needed physical intimacy and the requirement to be available to talk to either by text or voice so often became somewhat constraining despite the amazing conversations we had with eachother. Jealousy became an issue albeit not in the nuclear sense of the term, even at times jealousy that had nothing to do with the opposite gender just time spent. If you can see eachother regularly then an LDR may be doable, I did that with my ex fiancee but I got to see her every few weeks and we did it for two years before she moved to my city. If you can't see eachother regularly then I'd strongly advise against it. No matter how great of a person you each are you will both spiral into a deep pit of need, or one person will start to withdraw to the real world and send the other into a tailspin. While my experience earlier this year was great while it lasted, it wasnt meant to be. And she is one gorgeous fantastic brilliant woman. Sigh. If only I had one of those friends who could give me free plane tickets it may have been different. Lost a good one to geography. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 If you are in or contemplating an LDR with someone in a foreign country you both have to be willing to marry if things get serious. That's the only way to be together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Youre acting like a female OP. She'll proabably leave you if you keep it up Link to post Share on other sites
K0203 Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Ktya If you can see eachother regularly then an LDR may be doable, I did that with my ex fiancee but I got to see her every few weeks and we did it for two years before she moved to my city. If you can't see eachother regularly then I'd strongly advise against it. No matter how great of a person you each are you will both spiral into a deep pit of need, or one person will start to withdraw to the real world and send the other into a tailspin. This I agree with. Youre acting like a female OP. She'll proabably leave you if you keep it up This comment, not so much because they're men who have feelings as the OP. I know my SO does but there is a difference between wanting your needs of reassurance through words, by means of communication and wanting that in a insecure way; which sounds like the case for the OP because clearly the OP and this woman don't show love the same way therefore it would be obvious to him that they lack that compatibility and compromise. Yet he continues to "act like a woman". I've read that constant pressure and neediness will push anyone away. Love shouldn't be SO terribly complicated like this. Communication is key! I've always wanted the same as your SO in that I'd rather take it slow. I was more comfortable to put those feelings away too. I am quite uncomfortable expressing my feelings, especially so early in a relationship. My SO, complete opposite! He craves that level of affection and as I've grown fonder of him, I've decided to compromise by giving that to him. He compromised in giving me the actions before words that I crave. With that, we've grown closer. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 (edited) Me and a girl from UK are in love and having some sort of long distant relationship 1) She's not your girlfriend, at least this is what I get by reading your post 2) It looks like you're having a LD friend, not a lover We met a month ago for the first time and was amzing but since then, everything went downwards. Ok, maybe it's not your case, but I read this happening many times. If things were good before meeting and went downward since then, she realized she's not attracted to you like she hoped she'd be. After all, you must be aware that a meeting serves that purpose: see how you match in person, if there's chemistry, etc. Maybe it didn't happen like she thought it would. We aren't really a couple because we both agreed we're gonna take it slow If you're in love with her and want her to be your girlfriend, why did you even agree to not being a couple? I mean, you really need to man up. I was fine with it at first but now since she actually learned how to handle this, I feel ignored and broken hearted I don't get this. You were fine with her not being your gf and now you complain because she's not showing any interest in you like she used to. Wow. Really? What did you expect? I'm not sure if she started drawing back because you agreed to that, or because you even suggested that, or simply after meeting you in person. Whatever the case, whining about the current situation won't take you anywhere. Think of what happened during the meeting. In detail. And just deal with the fact that perceptions can sometimes be poles apart in a couple: like it was great for you and a failure for her. It's not that unusual that the first meeting ends in a break up not long after the person visiting got back home. As heartbreaking as it sounds, you can read stories like that on here. And even when the person thought the meeting was great. All she wants is to take it slow and its too mainstream for me If you don't like the current state of things, just let her know. But if all you want is for her to be your gf but with no plans, not knowing how to move the relationship to the next level, then I guess you shouldn't bother. she usually gets upset since she doesnt have a lot of money to work with. I do on the other hand but she said she wants to make me happy and not poor. so me paying for everything is again - a no-deal How does she know how much you spend? Do you tell her? You should stop sharing that for the time being. Anyway, if that's the issue, plan a trip with a low to zero budget. Then she'll have to find a different excuse not to meet you, and you will know if she's being honest with you. Sometimes i get emotional downs and i simply dont think of anything else but her and how is this gonna work. This is only going to work if she loves you as much as you love her, and you start talking to one another seriously. I mean, you spend a whole bunch of hours each day talking to her, then complain she ignores you, then you feel down... What's exactly wrong? Maybe you have psychological issues? Maybe she lost the sparkle, the drive she used to have, so she just talks to you like to a dear friend? Whatever the case, explore the options and see for yourself. Also, you should use your energies better. When you feel down, think what you can DO to better things with her, to make her want you, and be in love with you. It's not sure thing that will happen. But you can try your best at least, and then if nothing works, let her go. Edited August 21, 2014 by justwhoiam 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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