New at LDR - how do you deal with the fear?

[babsr]

So I am in New York and he is in Australia and we are trying to make it work. Hopefully I can visit him in during Christmas break. I am doing my masters here so I can't just leave.

 

How do you deal with the fear that one day he will just call and say he doesn't want to do it anymore? Right now he says he is committed and we talk everyday, but I love him so much and I am so scared something is going to happen and I won't realize because I don't see him. If we last until Christmas Break than we can figure out if I can spend the summer with him. But I am so scared since that is 4 months away.

 

Any advice?

[justwhoiam]

How do you deal with the fear that one day he will just call and say he doesn't want to do it anymore?

 

I live with it. At times, I keep it to myself. At times, I tell him about my fears. He reassures me. I'm part of his DNA by now. But that comes from years of helping each other through thick and thin, and still loving each other like day one or more. How long have you two been together? I guess that counts a lot.

 

 

Any advice?

 

Is that your only fear? Your only issue? What happens after Christmas? How many times can you meet each other during the year? How long each time? When will you be done with your Master's?

How serious is it? And who will move where?

[d0nnivain]

If you are that afraid & insecure, you don't have an LDR. They require huge amounts of trust & faith.

 

Even if you lived in the same house, there's always the possibility that the other person will one day wake up & say I don't want to do this any more.

 

To cope you focus on the good things like the next visit & when you will finally be able to be together. You stay in touch & you laugh.

[Zeurich]

you will be fine you may bake the turkey together do the Christmas shopping together, why worry what happens after Christmas still August my dear.

[babsr]

How long have you two been together? I guess that counts a lot.

We have been together for just over a year. I am hoping to go on exchange starting for the next fall semester, and move there over the summer.

 

It is hard because he is moving to a new place and he is not sure if work will pan out so it is unclear how long he will actually be there for. So that makes it really hard to plan around.

 

Do you ever get worried that the distance will just make him forget about how much he cares about you? Because it will be 4 months til I see him next

 

Thank you so much for your comments - I really appreciate them!

[justwhoiam]

Do you ever get worried that the distance will just make him forget about how much he cares about you?

Hmm, no. I was afraid he could change his mind, or that he could draw back, or that his feelings might get weaker or not be as strong as they used to be. None of that happened so far.

 

I think it's normal for you to feel the way you feel. We all have fears and are overwhelmed with uncertainty about the future, especially when you're alone, and he's not there with you. Many people in LDRs also need to deal with different time zones, which means some are alone for most of their day.

 

Don't dwell on negative feelings too much. Be positive and have nice thoughts and surprises for him while he's away.

[HeavenOrHell]

Any r/ship local, living together, or LDR, can split up any time no matter how solid it seems, worrying can actually make it more likely as insecurity can get in the way.

 

All r/ships are a risk, try to have some faith and positivity that things will turn out ok.

 

Life would be boring if we didn't take any risks.

 

So I am in New York and he is in Australia and we are trying to make it work. Hopefully I can visit him in during Christmas break. I am doing my masters here so I can't just leave.

 

How do you deal with the fear that one day he will just call and say he doesn't want to do it anymore? Right now he says he is committed and we talk everyday, but I love him so much and I am so scared something is going to happen and I won't realize because I don't see him. If we last until Christmas Break than we can figure out if I can spend the summer with him. But I am so scared since that is 4 months away.

 

Any advice?

[HeavenOrHell]

If you're moving there next year anyway then you just need to be patient, I was in an LDR for 4 years with no end in sight, so you've got it easy in comparison, I'm just saying count your blessings as it could be far worse.

 

In my r/ship we didn't forget about each other, even the times we've split up and didn't see each other for months we didn't forget each other, far from it.

We got closer over the 4 years, but in the end that made things harder as it was harder to be apart and have no end in sight. On average we met every 7 weeks.

 

 

 

How long have you two been together? I guess that counts a lot.

We have been together for just over a year. I am hoping to go on exchange starting for the next fall semester, and move there over the summer.

 

It is hard because he is moving to a new place and he is not sure if work will pan out so it is unclear how long he will actually be there for. So that makes it really hard to plan around.

 

Do you ever get worried that the distance will just make him forget about how much he cares about you? Because it will be 4 months til I see him next

 

Thank you so much for your comments - I really appreciate them!

[babsr]

If you're moving there next year anyway then you just need to be patient, I was in an LDR for 4 years with no end in sight, so you've got it easy in comparison, I'm just saying count your blessings as it could be far worse.

 

I am not for sure moving there next year. That is what I want to do. But he gets really frustrated when I try and plan to far into the future because he thinks i'm trying to plan his life when he wants to be more carefree. I have the option of going on exchange and moving there, but I don't know how he will react when I suggest that to him. I am waiting for him to get a job and get settled before bringing it up because he is already super stressed about that. But he talks about how great it would be to go to bed and wake up together everyday, I think he is just scared of actually having me move in with him. And that really makes me anxious.

 

How am I going to get through these next 4 months...

[central]

After a few LDRs, I decided I'd not do any more of them unless the distance was small enough that we could see each other at least monthly, or one of us could relocate in no more than about a year (and it's known what hurdles may be faced to relocate, including immigration laws and financial ability).

 

Otherwise, it would have to be a non-exclusive arrangement. That way, we'd each be free to casually date and see what happened. If we still wanted to make it work, we'd find a way, but otherwise we wouldn't have wasted time on a relationship that had little chance of success.

[HeavenOrHell]

How much time have you spent together IRL?

Don't think about moving if you've not spent a lot of time together, enough time to get to know the real him and not the honeymoon period version of him.

My ex was talking about moving over (within a couple of years) at our second meeting, but he didn't have the courage/confidence to do it when it came to it, I told him it was too soon to talk about it but he insisted talking about it.

It's a bit worrying though if your partner doesn't want to talk about it after a year together, and he says he wants to be more carefree, that would've really hurt me and made me wonder if the r/ship is right for me.

 

 

 

I am not for sure moving there next year. That is what I want to do. But he gets really frustrated when I try and plan to far into the future because he thinks i'm trying to plan his life when he wants to be more carefree. I have the option of going on exchange and moving there, but I don't know how he will react when I suggest that to him. I am waiting for him to get a job and get settled before bringing it up because he is already super stressed about that. But he talks about how great it would be to go to bed and wake up together everyday, I think he is just scared of actually having me move in with him. And that really makes me anxious.

 

How am I going to get through these next 4 months...

[babsr]

We've been dating for just over a year and I definitely think I know the real him. Ya when he says stuff like that it hurts, but at the same time he still says he wants to be with me. I am hopeful that once he gets settled he'll be able/ want to start planning his life. So I am waiting until then. But if nothing changes I will have a lot of thinking to do. I just don't know how I am going to make it until December

[HeavenOrHell]

How long have you spent together in person during that year? If you've not spent much time actually together then the bond won't be as strong, spending time together builds a solid foundation for when you are apart.

 

 

We've been dating for just over a year and I definitely think I know the real him. Ya when he says stuff like that it hurts, but at the same time he still says he wants to be with me. I am hopeful that once he gets settled he'll be able/ want to start planning his life. So I am waiting until then. But if nothing changes I will have a lot of thinking to do. I just don't know how I am going to make it until December

[d0nnivain]

If you have been in an LDR for a year & he won't have a conversation about you moving closer to him (not in with him, just closer) in another year, I think you are wasting your time. I think he likes the distance because you are less real to him & he's therefore free to do things that perhaps he couldn't do if he had a GF who was closer.

[chados]

dont be jealous. be there for him but dont let him own you. dont text random messages all the time. be busy but at the same time have time to talk. make sure you two have can meet up as often as possible.

 

being afraid and correct me but a little jealous? there is nothing you can do to know for sure that a person will stay with you. but there could be a time when you stop being afraid and this comes and goes. ive been together for 2,5 years traveling back and forth because of her school. and shes been here during her breaks. im not talking about weeks now. im talking about 3 months at the time. i guess you get used to it and its both good and bad. you kinda stop thinking about it except for those days when its all you think about. not everybody can do it, but to me and because of my own experience i know that breaking up wouldnt do me any good. i know this is the person i wanna be with and even if it takes time i feel like its worth it.

 

 

its hard for me to remember how i felt when it was new. i remember myself being more insecure thats for sure. simply because i didnt know the person as well. its important to do small things. like sending a text in the morning when they wake up. be spontanious and give a call when you know they arent busy. to make sure they know youre there and it goes both ways. let them know if youre out late etc. try to say goodnight. kinda cheesy but i mean its tough to have a long distance relationship.

[mikethemechanic]

So I am in New York and he is in Australia and we are trying to make it work. Hopefully I can visit him in during Christmas break. I am doing my masters here so I can't just leave.

 

How do you deal with the fear that one day he will just call and say he doesn't want to do it anymore? Right now he says he is committed and we talk everyday, but I love him so much and I am so scared something is going to happen and I won't realize because I don't see him. If we last until Christmas Break than we can figure out if I can spend the summer with him. But I am so scared since that is 4 months away.

 

Any advice?

No... Romances rarely come to a boil when conducted through fax. If you and your s.o are in LDR relationship it's a sign that you're are different enough that circumstances prevent you from living in the zip code, state and country. Furthermore if he does cheat and believe me. I suspect that does depending upon his income-and hey how can it be infidelity if it's not in the same zip code.

[babsr]

How long have you spent together in person during that year?

 

We lived about 3 hours apart but we saw each other very regularly. And then we've been in the same city and practically living together for the past 3 months. If we were in the same city I wouldn't be concerned about the relationship, but it is just so much harder with the distance that maybe I just need more from him to not feel so anxious all the time. We talk every night and today we skyped for two hours. Am I just being paranoid??

[54JA]

I heard of 2 couples whose LDR turned into marriage. In both cases, they had a brief period of IRL, then one of them moved across the pacific/was deployed (military).

 

I think the biggest thing is to not let your fear grow. You cannot think negative. You have to squash your negative thoughts when it forms. You have to talk back to your inner voice that stirs up your fear. Argue back by saying, "but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me," over and over.

 

Another thing is to avoid making him feel guilty. From reading your post, it sounds like you don't say anything to make him feel guilty, so keep this up. My friend was trying a LDR for a brief period, but because he broke up with her because she would always cry on the phone. Her ex felt guilty as hell but there was not much he could do, so he ended it.

 

Last thing is to focus on sharing and having an enjoyable phone/text conversation as much as you can. I know you want to talk about the future, but be in the present. Share the funny things you heard with him. Talk about the things you two both like and enjoy. You can play your part to build lots of small, but important positive moments together.

 

Good luck!

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry but this is such bad 'advice'

LDR's aren't conducted through 'fax', they usually consist of phone calls, skype and actually meeting and spending time together.

Most of us didn't choose to be in an LDR, we met someone who happened to not live close by, or were with someone who had to move away to work or study temporarily.

Why would someone cheat depending in their income?!!! I was in an LDR for years and neither of us had the need to or desire to cheat, when you love someone and want only them you don't cheat. Of course it would still be called cheating if someone in an LDR did, LDR's are usually exclusive r/ships just like any other.

I guess you've never been in an exclusive loving LDR.

 

No... Romances rarely come to a boil when conducted through fax. If you and your s.o are in LDR relationship it's a sign that you're are different enough that circumstances prevent you from living in the zip code, state and country. Furthermore if he does cheat and believe me. I suspect that does depending upon his income-and hey how can it be infidelity if it's not in the same zip code.

[HeavenOrHell]

From what you've said here it sounds like you've nothing to worry about, maybe just give him more time with regards to you moving closer.

I don't think you've much to worry about if you talk every night.

I think just try and keep as busy and focussed on your life at home as much as you can and have a busy social life.

I found with talking to my partner every night in some ways made it more difficult as it made me (can't speak for him) miss him more and be too focussed on us, things seemed to be better when we focussed more on our lives at home and didn't talk every night, also appreciated the time we talked even more.

 

 

We lived about 3 hours apart but we saw each other very regularly. And then we've been in the same city and practically living together for the past 3 months. If we were in the same city I wouldn't be concerned about the relationship, but it is just so much harder with the distance that maybe I just need more from him to not feel so anxious all the time. We talk every night and today we skyped for two hours. Am I just being paranoid??

[babsr]

Wow thank you for all this support! You guys are really helping me and I cannot thank you enough. I am sure I will keep posting as things come up. And please keep sharing your thoughts with me!

[mikethemechanic]

Sorry but this is such bad 'advice'

LDR's aren't conducted through 'fax', they usually consist of phone calls, skype and actually meeting and spending time together.

Most of us didn't choose to be in an LDR, we met someone who happened to not live close by, or were with someone who had to move away to work or study temporarily.

Why would someone cheat depending in their income?!!! I was in an LDR for years and neither of us had the need to or desire to cheat, when you love someone and want only them you don't cheat. Of course it would still be called cheating if someone in an LDR did, LDR's are usually exclusive r/ships just like any other.

I guess you've never been in an exclusive loving LDR.

well I think that a couple in a LDR wouldn't even notice a seismic change in pulling them apart emotionally. Life doesn't honour holding patterns since we change jobs, ward robes, friends, languages, customs and cultures and yes most of us get divorced. So what is the holding pattern in LDR.

[HeavenOrHell]

Oh you do, trust me, when you're talking a lot daily, or during a visit you notice if they are emotionally distant, it doesn't necessarily mean the person wants out, there may be other reasons for it, ie work stress or depression, but you do notice if your partner pulls away and you need to communicate to find out why.

My LDR broke up because he had phases of being emotionally closed and in the end I thought it was because he wanted out of the r/ship, but instead of asking him what was up I suggested we split, even though he'd recently said sorry he was distant lately and it wasn't me/us, it was all his own stuff.

He could be more open for months on end and then close up again, but I took it the wrong way.

 

I don't think people realise how close people in LDR's can be, but because you're not with them every day you find other ways to be close emotionally and they feel very much part of you and your daily life.

You have to make the effort to communicate in an LDR as it's all you have between visits, it's so incredibly important and vital.

 

Not sure what you mean by holding pattern?

 

 

well I think that a couple in a LDR wouldn't even notice a seismic change in pulling them apart emotionally. Life doesn't honour holding patterns since we change jobs, ward robes, friends, languages, customs and cultures and yes most of us get divorced. So what is the holding pattern in LDR.

[chados]

Oh you do, trust me, when you're talking a lot daily, or during a visit you notice if they are emotionally distant, it doesn't necessarily mean the person wants out, there may be other reasons for it, ie work stress or depression, but you do notice if your partner pulls away and you need to communicate to find out why.

My LDR broke up because he had phases of being emotionally closed and in the end I thought it was because he wanted out of the r/ship, but instead of asking him what was up I suggested we split, even though he'd recently said sorry he was distant lately and it wasn't me/us, it was all his own stuff.

He could be more open for months on end and then close up again, but I took it the wrong way.

 

I don't think people realise how close people in LDR's can be, but because you're not with them every day you find other ways to be close emotionally and they feel very much part of you and your daily life.

You have to make the effort to communicate in an LDR as it's all you have between visits, it's so incredibly important and vital.

 

Not sure what you mean by holding pattern?

 

yeah im actually closer then ive ever been with a long distance. i think there could also good things coming out from that. one things is that you value the time together more.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, it might sound odd to someone who's not been in an LDR but I felt as close to him as the person I lived with for nearly 20 years in my previous (very happy) r/ship. You have to put a lot of effort into an LDR and you take things for granted less, appreciate what you have more.

 

 

 

yeah im actually closer then ive ever been with a long distance. i think there could also good things coming out from that. one things is that you value the time together more.