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Fears pushing me away


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So I met my boyfriend nearly a year ago and we've become pretty serious to the point where we talk about getting married. He lives in the UK and I'm in the US. He really wants to move to the US and I've known that since we met. That's how we met, he was here on vacation looking to see if he would really like US and he fell in love with California.

 

I told him he's welcome to come and live with me but I'm kind of freaking out. I WANT him here of course, I love him so much but there's a part of me that's really freaking out. I just quit my job and I'm afraid by the time he gets back, I'll still be jobless and I don't like to be that person who's dependent on a person for $$ and I won't do that to him at all. I'm just kind of afraid to let him into my world a bit more, see me struggle a little bit with $$. I'll be in school full time for nursing so it's not like I'm doing nothing. I do have great fears of what he's going to think of me but I know he cares for me a lot and loves me a lot. He tells me he wants to marry me, stick with me through thick and thin.

 

I need some insight to kind of let me put it all into perspective because I think my fears are getting in the way of this amazing lovely relationship I have and love so much.

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If everything is so wonderful then why can't you discuss this with him and tell him that living together is a big step and that you'd prefer to date for her while with him living in the US near your own location?

 

The last thing you should do is keep letting him believe that you want instant marriage and have him burn all his bridges in the UK only to find that you have not been competely honest with him.

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Yeah, plus, you still have mixed feelings for your ex. Maybe that's why. You're not completely into him, I mean 100%. You need to see where that is going. Maybe it fizzles out in 3 months. Who knows.

 

Let him go on with his plan to move to California. He was on vacation there to make his own decision. Fine. Next step is finding a place for himself. Date him for at least 6 months before deciding on living together. I admit you cut on expenses like that, so 6 months would be OK with me, if I'm really sure of my feelings and he is too.

 

Anyway, reading your previous threads, you sound a bit naive and immature, no offence. So take your time to make such important decisions.

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Yeah, plus, you still have mixed feelings for your ex. Maybe that's why. You're not completely into him, I mean 100%. You need to see where that is going. Maybe it fizzles out in 3 months. Who knows.

 

Let him go on with his plan to move to California. He was on vacation there to make his own decision. Fine. Next step is finding a place for himself. Date him for at least 6 months before deciding on living together. I admit you cut on expenses like that, so 6 months would be OK with me, if I'm really sure of my feelings and he is too.

 

Anyway, reading your previous threads, you sound a bit naive and immature, no offence. So take your time to make such important decisions.

 

 

Hmm.... I don't have any feelings at all for my ex. I wish him well but that's over.

 

Anyways, I've been with my new boyfriend for a year now. Past the six month mark, don't you think? And we're BOTH sure of what we want. That's to live together and to get married. We ultimately want to be together. There's no "maybe", "i'm not sure" about him at all. If I expressed myself like that, I'm sorry but no. Maybe I'm not expressing myself in the right way on this forum but my point of all this is I'm just afraid. It's a HUGE step and am afraid of what could happen. I have a tendency to be hard on myself so I think this will probably work out better than I think.

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There is no 'I'm not sure' yet you are afraid of the step you are about to take.... Are you listening to yourself?

 

Yes, marriage is a big step and that is why most people thread carefully, think it through, weigh the pros and cons and then make that decision and commit to it wholeheartedly. And that means they do not have fear and uncertainty keeping them up at night.

 

Why did you come here in the first place looking for advice?

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Hmm.... I don't have any feelings at all for my ex. I wish him well but that's over.

Sure, that explain the countless threads and posts about your ex. When you're over someone, you don't think about him that much, which in your case is an awful lot.

 

4th November 2013

He wants to move to America by next summer but I'm really hesitant about where things could go…

I really like him, but I don't see a future

I do feel ready, but I don't.

6th November 2013

I like my space, so I definitely don't want to be by his side 24/7

 

7th November 2013

I don't really see a long term thing between us.

 

8th November 2013

I feel sad because I'm the one who broke up with my ex and I see how much hurt that came after that. I miss him a lot.

 

11th November 2013

1) I have a bf but don't know if Im healed yet

2) My new bf told me earlier today that I helped him finally get over his ex… I'm confused. So he started dating me and he wasn't over her at the time?

does that mean I'm just a rebound or what?

 

14th November 2013

Hes amazing but I still cant get my ex off my mind now. I thought I was doing okay not thinking about my ex until my bf left the country for a few months. I dont know if I can handle this mentally and emotionally.

If Im really not ready, then how do I bring myself to break up with him since we have already planned a vacation!?!

 

20th November 2013

I can't tell if I'm cheating on my bf or not.. (this was about you flirting with other guys and wanting to go out with them)

 

20th January 2014

I feel like I've moved on but I still miss him.. What is this?

 

7th June 2014

How do I stop having feelings for my first love?

 

20th August 2014

I'm just kind of afraid to let him into my world a bit more

I do have great fears of what he's going to think of me

 

Anyways, I've been with my new boyfriend for a year now. Past the six month mark, don't you think?
I meant at least 6 months of real dating. You said you could meet him every few months during this year together. So no, it's not enough, especially for you. Are you still seeing a therapist?

 

we're BOTH sure of what we want.
I doubt it. And your numerous posts, uncertainties and mixed feelings confirm it.

 

That's to live together and to get married.
Why don't you let him read all that you posted so far since last November, when you were already 3 months in. Or are you afraid he will know who you really are and what you think?

 

There's no "maybe", "i'm not sure" about him at all. If I expressed myself like that, I'm sorry but no. Maybe I'm not expressing myself in the right way on this forum but my point of all this is I'm just afraid.
You need to address those feelings not just hide them from him or yourself. Do you think that just because he's wonderful you'll be happy? Edited by justwhoiam
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