The "visa" catfish

[Blade96]

Ok here's the problem, I'm in my first online relationship (never was interested in it until I met him) with my guy from Belarus. I know about the "visa" catfish, you know the people who act like they're in love, so they can come to north america (I'm canadian) It's not been two months with my guy online, I know he is who he says he is, so no trouble with that part of it, this is a fact. I know how to protect myself if anyone asks for money and things. And someone who likes to online thing but is not interested in meeting for real, is pretty easy to figure out after a while.

 

But the "visa" catfish - how can I protect myself against this, just in case he is? Anyone got any advice for me, you know, just in case he is? Not saying he is or he isn't, I don't know him well enough to make such a conclusion.

 

Anyone got advice as to protect myself, just in case he might be? You know, things to do before he comes to visit, (he's said he wants to see me and he has the money to do so), things to do when he comes, things to do afterward, that would protect me, and might keep me safer?

 

anything would help....

[clia]

Just take things slow, don't give him any money or things, and don't marry him. His true intentions will reveal himself over time. He will likely get impatient if he is only after a visa. If he wants to come and visit you on a tourist visa, that's fine, but have him stay in a hotel and get to know him as you would any other man.

[MissBee]

If he asks for a visa say no and break it off.

 

You can't stop him from asking if that's his intention and with visas it's not like money or stuff where someone can steal it or get it against your will, as with visas (permanent residency more so, as he already has to have a visa to visit) you have to marry them, fill out paper work etc. so it's not like the wool can be pulled over your eyes here...

 

The thing is: what do you want from the relationship? If you are invested in a man who lives in a different country, logically if things get serious there has to be some talk or notion of how to be together, and immigration requirements will have to come into play. But I guess a clue is if he brings up this kind of stuff too soon...I think you'll know or it will seem off if he seems like he keeps asking about that or it's his main focus. But if you continue to see him, eventually these things will become something you two need to discuss. So that is simply part of the choice to date someone who is from a different country.

 

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders so all you can do is continue to keep your eyes and ears open for any signs you're being used. Otherwise with visa stuff, as I said, it's not like anyone can scam a visa out of you, or better a permanent resident card, as it involves consciously deciding to marry him and all that. So if it came to him wanting that and you felt he was using you, you can say no and break it off.

[Zeurich]

2 months is too early!

If you know the name you can check with the embassy too I am quiet not sure what is the process but one of my friend done it.

You can say you are coming over , definitely he disagree if he is after the visa. But don't tell him that you are coming tell him that you might come over. That is my trick always. But if I were you take bit more time. Because risking your self is not worth

[FitChick]

Send him a link to the Canadian immigration service website where it lists requirements for someone to get a work visa. If he qualifies, then it's no problem.

 

Otherwise, seems to me it is quite easy to overstay your visa in the US aCanada and just live and work illegally. If he is willing to risk deportation it's not your problem and don't be tricked into marrying him later with a sob story. Offer to move to Belarus instead.

[Blade96]

btw I'm a straight girl.

 

LOL, I'm not going anywhere. If something were to happen, I'd rather be here right at home with all friends family, and my own canadian services to help me. So I didn't mind when he said he'd rather come here than me go there. Oh. when I brought it up to him about how people said he might be looking for into Canada rather than love for me, he got upset, either because he is a good guy and gets offended when someone thinks he isn't or he's not and would get offended for this reason. I know sometimes bad people get offended at the suggestion. Know that from past real life experiences. So honestly I don't know which it is.

 

I do also know he said many times - and never changed his story either - that his brother works at times in the us - and that if he wanted into canada he said he does not need me to get there because he said some of his friends have relatives here. I have his brother on fb and I know it is his brother, they are similar in looks, and I saw their dad, they look like dad too. Easy to tell they are family. So he says he's got access to north america through these people if he wanted it.

 

I don't know anything about visas or immigration or anything, it's not something I've ever had to worry about or even learn about. I don't want to do too much to help him - just in case (dr phil may be a meathead at times but I think he's right when he said if a guy truly loves you he'd go to the moon if he had to) Do I have to do anything for him to get a work or just a visa a little something just to visit? Can he do that all by himself? Or do I need invite him or something like that? Can one of you here who is smarter than me, check on that for me, because I have no idea about these things. Check if a person from belarus can apply and get a visitor visa all by himself, or would I have to do anything like invite?

Edited August 18, 2014 by Blade96

[TAV]

If there is so much distrust between you two already what's the point?

 

You should at least have laid a foundation of believing that he is a good person; it does not sound to me that you did, so what is this all based upon? What's the point in continuing. Do you just need drama in your life or what??

[Blade96]

My bad past for one thing. I don't trust people easily.

 

For another, he does bring up marriage for example things like "my future wife" He hasn't said he wants a marriage early and immediately, heck he even says he won't even have sex with anyone until he gets to know them. But he does mention marriage and talks of me being a future wife.

 

I have many slavic friends, and have asked some about this. They all say slavics think about marriages early - when they meet someone they like. They seem to think it's normal. Westerners just wait longer.

 

so i guess not much really, to suspect him of it. Just me, right now, I guess. Me not trusting easily. And my parents - I don't hide if i become involved with someone, yet they'll say things like "well he's using you" "he's a bomber" "he's probably this or he's probably that" but they don't have any evidence either.

 

and for another reason why I ask, I'm new to this. Very new I'm a newbie. What is so wrong with being careful?? I just want ways to keep safe.

[TMichaels]

I don't know anything about visas or immigration or anything, it's not something I've ever had to worry about or even learn about.

 

Well, you do know how to use Google don't you?

 

 

Do I have to do anything for him to get a work or just a visa a little something just to visit? Can he do that all by himself? Or do I need invite him or something like that? Can one of you here who is smarter than me, check on that for me, because I have no idea about these things. Check if a person from belarus can apply and get a visitor visa all by himself, or would I have to do anything like invite?

 

Uh, took two seconds for Google to come up with this and this. I am assuming you *can* read so not going to regurgitate what these links have to say - you can do so on your own.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't lift a finger in arranging for this guy's visa. He also can Google the answer in two seconds, read what's required and submit the appropriate documentation and fees.

 

If he doesn't, then you're not worth the trouble to him no matter how he goes on about how he's dying to see you.

 

And, if he professes not to be knowledgeable/capable enough to navigate the process, then don't jump in and do it for him. If what he says is true, he has friends/family who have jumped through similar hoops to get into the US. The Canadian process is similar -- he should ask them for help, not you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

But the "visa" catfish - how can I protect myself against this, just in case he is?

It's very simple. Start throwing in how broke you are, and you still have to pay your bills for the last two months. Complain about your rent and how you don't make it till the end of month. See if he sticks around or chats start to space out and he fades away.

 

Regarding the visa itself, you got plenty of replies already.

[Els]

You don't have to help him get a visa before you've even met. Working out a visa together is for people who have met multiple times and been together for a long time.

 

He can look up a tourist/visitor visa and arrange it himself.

[Blade96]

It's very simple. Start throwing in how broke you are, and you still have to pay your bills for the last two months. Complain about your rent and how you don't make it till the end of month. See if he sticks around or chats start to space out and he fades away.

 

Did that - because it's all the truth. I actually am poor as dirt, and have little money. (I'm not a Catfish, I tell the truth.) I have told him all that - even told him I don't know anything about visas or anything of the sort. I told him, Can't help ya there. I also told him, I don't have a job (unable to find one, and there are just a lack of jobs in my neck of the woods, even though I have a university degree)

 

but he doesn't run. He sticks around, writes me every day no matter how busy he is. He also altogether on both his accounts - facebook and VKontakte (a russian version of fb) has over a thousand friends on each (there's a legit reason for so many friends, which I can verify), he changed his relationship status on both, with my name on it, writes about me on both, where all his friends can see, It's like if he had something to hide, he wouldn't do that it seems. We also skype sometimes and he does not hide anything. Also I'm fb friends with two of his friends also (not just his brother) so we have 3 mutual friends. One of them, I met in december, and that's how I met him in May, he never confessed any special feelings to me until in early July. That's when we became online bf and gf. It's like he does not care about any of what I said - that I'm poor, that I cannot help with visas and all that, because I know nothing about it - it does not bother him at all.

 

TMichaels - thanks for that, I read it - I'll give him those links when it is time - and he can get his friends' family in Canada to help him. (Since I know nothing - which is an advantage as you said - to not lift a finger)

 

Thanks guys. Good advice here. Now I can be careful .....

 

while enjoying him.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Blade96

[justwhoiam]

Ok, first step out of the way. He only got an interest in you since last month. So it's pretty fresh. You know nothing about this guy. The fact that he has over 1,000 contacts on FB or any other social media has no value to me. Actually, if he has no business to justify that, I would find it suspicious. He surely is the kind of guy who adds anybody just to raise the number of his friends. He did that with you too. He never met you, still you're on his list. He's doing that with plenty of other people.

 

Now, the US embassy in his country is not issuing tourist visas for the time being. He should apply in a neighboring country (the nearest probably being Lithuania, but maybe he'd stand better chances applying in Moscow). He should be interviewed in person. That would mean traveling back & forth for 4 to 6 hours at a time, at best, if he goes to Vilnius. And that visa wouldn't allow him to work in the US. So he should have lots of money with him to sustain himself during the trip. The visa itself will cost $160 and the minimum monthly wage in Belarus is $160. Hopefully he'll earn more than that.

 

His best option would be getting an invitation from a US resident, aka you, to obtain an immigration visa. That would allow him to stay longer and find a job there. Maybe he won't talk you into doing that. But if he does, just say you don't feel comfortable doing that for someone you never met before and/or you don't want to risk getting in trouble in your own country.

 

If he's able to enter the US and you arrange to meet him somewhere, bring one or more friends with you to the meeting, and let the location be some public place.

[Blade96]

I'm a Canadian (not American)

 

he doesn't just add just anybody. I'm good friend with one of his friends, we met in december, who was named top worker in his profession (the reason for a large number of contacts for both of them, they both do the same profession, they sometimes work together, these things able to help me verify they are who they say they are in their case it was easy to verify) so I wasn't just a nobody added out of nowhere. He does have the legit reason for a large number of contacts. They both do.

 

Two months is very short time, I'll agree about visa I will not have to worry about it for months at least (due to his work) so plenty of time to hang out online for some months and get to know him before even thinking about it. I just wanted the information for when he does have time to plan a trip.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Blade96

[justwhoiam]

I'm a Canadian

Ok. He might still go the American visa route, or apply for a Canadian temporary visa. He might use an invitation anyway.

 

I'm good friend with one of his friends, we met in december

Someone you met in person? You met his friend and colleague in person?

 

the reason for a large number of contacts for both of them, they both do the same profession, they sometimes work together, these things able to help me verify they are who they say they are in their case it was easy to verify

In fact I wrote: if he has no business to justify that, I would find it suspicious. It has such a high number of contacts because of his job. So that's fine. It's business.

But, what does 1,000 online acquaintancies says about him other than he's supposed to be who he claims he is? I mean, fine. You're sure that his name and last name are true. But then, you still know very little about him.

 

Good luck

[Blade96]

"Someone you met in person? You met his friend and colleague in person?"

 

Online, in december. He's the top in his field (the honor given to him by the president of Belarus himself) and there are many things written about him online, some English, more Russian though. (probably belarussian too but I don't know, I don't speak Belarussian, just English and I study Russian)

 

The fact he and my belarussian guy work together, do the same thing, plus I skyped him, checked his mobile, checked his pics, their work place is real, and goes back decades (everything to do to verify someone is real I did and I know for a fact they are) and you can understand why both of them have a large number of contacts.

[blugirl]

My bad past for one thing. I don't trust people easily.

 

For another, he does bring up marriage for example things like "my future wife" He hasn't said he wants a marriage early and immediately, heck he even says he won't even have sex with anyone until he gets to know them. But he does mention marriage and talks of me being a future wife.

 

I have many slavic friends, and have asked some about this. They all say slavics think about marriages early - when they meet someone they like. They seem to think it's normal. Westerners just wait longer.

 

so i guess not much really, to suspect him of it. Just me, right now, I guess. Me not trusting easily. And my parents - I don't hide if i become involved with someone, yet they'll say things like "well he's using you" "he's a bomber" "he's probably this or he's probably that" but they don't have any evidence either.

 

and for another reason why I ask, I'm new to this. Very new I'm a newbie. What is so wrong with being careful?? I just want ways to keep safe.

It's because we Slavic people are more conservative than western nations and more traditional. It doesn't mean that every single young person here is like that - in fact, the group is split in a way. It's because more and more young people are becoming liberal and don't rush into marriage or having children but then again, it's mostly single people, who are like that (for obvious reasons). Couples tend to get married around the time they both graduate from a uni. My Asian SO (also traditional, like me) also likes to casually discuss marriage and children with me from time to time and I see nothing wrong with that (mind you, we're also in LDR and going to see each other for the first time in January but I've known him for a long time). I used to be cautious in the beginning, trying to figure out if he's a visa catfish but after some time and getting to know him better I already knew it's not the case. So you simply have to give it some time and get to know him on a deeper level.

[Blade96]

Just shot off an email to Belarus, to his workplace, asking if someone by his name works there. (I Can speak Russian, so I can do that.) I already know he is who he says he is, it's just another confirmation, I guess. Meh. I do trust him in that way since I've done everything else to confirm him and it all came up as him...but I never checked his workplace before, I mean actually asked them. (btw if anyone is reading this and wants to find out how to check up on somebody, they can do this.) Eh. I already added the soil to the flower, might as well add the water.

 

Yes I know slavics are more traditional and conservative than westerners. I have no problem with that. By Western standards, my views on sex and everything are pretty conservative also.

 

As I said, slavics have also told me, because I check up on EVERYTHING, and do not trust what anyone says at face value, (that's why I made this thread in the first place, to find out how to protect myself just in case, and if he can apply for a visitor visa to canada by himself, without me). that they do tend to think about marriage earlier than westerners when they find someone they like. Actual slavics have told me, that my guy's behavior isn't unusual for a Slavic.

 

He won't be asking me for money or visas since 1) already told him I'm poor; 2) already told him I can't help with visas because I don't know anything about it.

 

I did get the answers I was looking for, so thanks everyone. (yes LadyLuck, I'll keep open my eyes anyway and watch for signs and blugirl he is 41 so not exactly a 'young person' and yes my friends have said the young people don't rush into marriage so much anymore, they say it's more common for the older ones to do so).

 

Hope this thread will be left here on the forum for people who might also be asking the same questions as I.

 

Thank you!

[nomadic_butterfly]

Ok here's the problem, I'm in my first online relationship (never was interested in it until I met him) with my guy from Belarus. I know about the "visa" catfish, you know the people who act like they're in love, so they can come to north america (I'm canadian) It's not been two months with my guy online, I know he is who he says he is, so no trouble with that part of it, this is a fact. I know how to protect myself if anyone asks for money and things. And someone who likes to online thing but is not interested in meeting for real, is pretty easy to figure out after a while.

 

But the "visa" catfish - how can I protect myself against this, just in case he is? Anyone got any advice for me, you know, just in case he is? Not saying he is or he isn't, I don't know him well enough to make such a conclusion.

 

Anyone got advice as to protect myself, just in case he might be? You know, things to do before he comes to visit, (he's said he wants to see me and he has the money to do so), things to do when he comes, things to do afterward, that would protect me, and might keep me safer?

 

anything would help....

 

If you were born in '96, marriage should be the farthest thing from your mind anyway in the cultural context of the western world. Anyway, I've been there before with the European thing. If I were you, I'd advise him to apply for the visa lottery (it closes next month I believe). Make sure if he comes to Canada/US, he can get the visa on his own. Why did he decide to pursue an international love? Are the picking slim over on his side? Did he have plans before meeting you to come to the west?

 

LDR are very tough and if you guys don't have the means to see each other often, then it will become a drag. Us women are generally more caught up emotionally whereas most men are wired to be more practical in these instances and it's unlikely if there's a better, closer option he will not pursue it.

 

First, see if he's serious about coming. A lot of these online folks (male and female) will talk the talk but not walk the walk. If he's really interested, he'll book a ticket and come see you within a reasonable time frame. I think it's prudent to set a firm time for this to occur before moving on. Otherwise, you'll get the 5 for 9 run around like many people including myself have.

 

Ask yourself what are your romantic goals and what time frame you guys view as reasonable to be long distance. After meeting, also discuss (if you're going to get serious) who while move to where to keep it going. Bottom line, you have to have a game plan that works for the two of you. Also ask yourself how realistic it is to date someone all the way across the world. How often can you realistically see each other and for how long each time?

 

Don't even think about marriage until all the important things are discussed.