He said "Why are you f-ing crying"!?

[MariaMars]

Three days ago my bf/or possibly "ex" and I had the worst argument. I expressed my thoughts and concerns about my emotional pain because of the long distance relationship via text and he replied "I see, we'll talk tonight". What did my texts say by the way? I deleted them but I said how I feel like the relationship is affecting me psychologically. It got so bad that I would spend all of my days daydreaming us together and I could not concentrate. I would wait until he is not busy just to text or call him wanting so badly a conversation about an end-date or some concrete real plan of the distance closing. I would stay in my room all day some days. I would not eat, I would cry, yell when we call..it's so pathetic. Actually, depression is NOT pathetic. It's the real deal, it's just the CAUSE of the depression is what make me feel pathetic and weak.

 

Why I yelled on the phone that night? Because of stress. Because of uncertainty. Because I was sick and tired of him saying "We'll see" or "We'll figure it out" even though we never had a conversation to really figure things out.

 

That night I asked "So, what is next step in our relationship"?

 

Anyways, he said "Uhhh..I dunno, we'll take it one step at a time".

 

There was 1 minute of silence on the phone. Then I continued, "We'll you said that we are going to meet each other for the first time in December right"? and he said

 

"....yeah".

 

Then I asked for him to elaborate about December trip and he pretty much said "I got nothing else to say really" and then I blew up.

 

I never cussed him out or degraded him but I raised my voice and said how I waited nearly 3 years JUST to TALK about A PLAN to close the distance. I said I wanted commitment and he laughed and said "Did I tell you that I was going to finish the program first then we can see how we can close this distance"? I said yes but we haven't talked AT ALL about our future, nothing. He finished his program a month ago and it's been a month and there was NO conversations about US.

 

I started to cry and said that I feel killed inside. I kept crying and he abrupt me and said "Why are you ****ing crying"?!! over and over. He also kept saying "Calm down" "You're being dramatic" then he said "You're making up drama in your head". I cried and felt helpless on the phone. I asked myself: "AM I crazy"? "Impatient"? "Mean"?

 

Then I said "You can tell that woman from the dating website that she can have you".

 

WHY?

 

Well recently, because of the stress of the relationship. We both went back to dating websites..I think it's a sad and pathetic way for us to solve our problems. It's like we gave up hoping we'll find someone else. I actually deleted my profiles this week because I realize I need to take care of myself. He didn't deleted his I believe.

 

He said "What are you talking about"?? And I said "You told me that you occasionally chat to a woman online but you said you weren't serious about her and just having fun and that she hopes you and I break up".

 

Then he said "I never said that.." And I was shocked because I swear he did. I cried deeply and just hanged up on him. He never called back or text that night.

 

 

That night I felt worthless and hopeless. NO I am not innocent here. I am NO victim. I made my mistakes but there comes a point when I just needed to STOP and reevaluate myself and this relationship. I allowed so much to happen. I WANTED things go be OK. I spent hours thinking so hard about where WE are going to be. Who's going to relocate. There was NEVER TIME to talk about our future. He would always be tired and he expects me to understand. But I get tired too. I get depress also. Why must I push my emotions aside for someone? I am not a strong woman. I shouldn't just keep my mouth shut.

 

My mistakes: I took a year off from school after receiving my A.A degree in hopes I can relocate to him or at least visit him. I also needed time off to figure things out in my life. But in reality..there was no university to transfer where I live so I allowed myself to be stuck hoping for my "prince" to save my day. I had a disabled sister to take care of. My mother does not work and refuses and she's a complete narcissist.

 

I saved a GOOD amount of money for my sister and I to move out but I decided to stay put for him. I thought he would relocate to Florida at first but things did not work out because of his job. He used the money he saved from his job to go to this massage therapy program. I supported him. He said we can see each other in Fall (of last year) and it didn't work out. He never gave me a heads up that it could not work. Then he said we can see each other in Jan. (of last year) then that didn't work out because there was NO communication about the trip. Then he said we can see each other in April (few months ago) and that didn't work out because he said he wanted us to "fall in love again" before we can meet. I was devastated because I thought to solve our problems from stress from being away was to visit each other, to hang out, to touch each other, to kiss..When we first meet online (2 years ago) he said "Let's see each other in June" and I was happy SO happy but it never worked out. He said he did not have money. At the time I didn't either so I understood but why say things like this when you KNEW you didn't have the financial means to make it happen. For MONTHS I was just so happy and then it fell apart. I fell apart.

 

These chains of events, these failed plans contributed to my stress. What makes me sad is how he would say "I thought you had my strength, I was wrong" or "I realize crying is pointless" and "I thought I want emotional support but I realize I can just give it too myself" He said he talks to a therapist and professors about his problems now and not me because he said I would get upset. It's not true. I am in pain too and want to vent. Can two people vent to each other?

 

It's been 3 days since I talked to him. He text the day after the argument and said "I think I am like a plant, I need sunshine and water"...blah blah blah...smh.

 

How can a grown man just completely ignore what happened that night? So I just decided for myself to take a break for MYSELF and not contact him.

[Smilecharmer]

Have you ever met him in person?

[SYLLPalmer]

Friends can vent to each other. People in stable romantic relationships can vent about things going on outside of the relationship and they can work on solvable problems within the relationship. We naturally construe romantic partners to be the closest people to us but that doesn't mean they are the best equipped to handle what we are struggling with. Your problem is that want to be in close proximity to this man so that you can enjoy the physical and emotional rewards of a full relationship. Just because he coming to you would solve the problem doesn't mean he should or could do that. He cannot or will not give you what you need so your problem persists. When there is no solution to a problem you have to accept the way things are or move on. If you don't you get what you have right now.

 

I think leaving him be is the best thing you can do. Do it with the intent of focusing on you and your life as it is and how you would like it to be irrespective of him. You never really know what goes on in side the head of another. Don't mistake affection with devotion. It is easy to do. You have a mental block right now that is causing you immense pain. Break down the problem accept the choices you have, make one and stick to it. The pain will quickly lessen.

[MariaMars]

Have you ever met him in person?

 

No I never meet him. He lives in Minnesota and I live in Florida. As I am reflecting, we never actually agreed on this long distance relationship. He texted me "can I be your boyfriend" and I said yes. This was 2 years ago. During the romantic phase things ARE blurry and I thought out of "love" not logic.

[ExpatInItaly]

This much drama over someone you've never met? Girl. It's not worth it. You're selling yourself short by living in such emotional turmoil for so long for a guy you've never met once in real life. Time to pull the plug on this one.

[CarrieT]

TWO YEARS without meeting!?!?!

 

Girlfriend, call it quits. This is not a relationship if most of why you do is argue.

 

You don't know this person. At all.

 

It is obvious you deserve much, much better and should work to find someone local that will treat you better than you are being treated by this stranger.

[carhill]

IMO, save yourself any more tears and resolve to, if ever doing LDR again, to meet within one month of 'getting to know' someone online/over the phone. Relationships happen in person. Sorry for your pain and, yep, I've done LDR's, as far away as over 6000 miles and 10 hours by plane. The key? Pressing flesh. Accept no substitutes.

[MariaMars]

TWO YEARS without meeting!?!?!

 

Girlfriend, call it quits. This is not a relationship if most of why you do is argue.

 

You don't know this person. At all.

 

It is obvious you deserve much, much better and should work to find someone local that will treat you better than you are being treated by this stranger.

 

Yeah. It's actually been nearly 3 years not 2. I wanted to see him last April. I had my chance. I had the money. He did not because he could not go to school and work full-time. I called and said I am planning to see him during his Spring Break and he said "It's your choice". I was shocked when he said that because he was the one that mentioned (In Jan) that we can see each other in April and I was happy and crying because FINALLY there was a plan. But for 2 months there was no talk about our plan to see each other and he said that he was busy and tired (from this program) and that I should understand and he would get upset at me because I would get upset for him yet again post-poning the trip for us to see each other for the first time.

 

It's just hurts. I felt pushed away. I understand men want to be the providers but you can't pause a relationship and expect a woman to just wait. I had the money. I said to him that me visiting him was for US. I wanted us to be happy. I remember one time he said he just rather wait until we "fall in love again". Does not make since.

[justwhoiam]

I know what being too good means. You are too good. Too good replacing your mother in her role, which you shouldn't do. Too good helping some guy you never met gaving him money that he accepted: then he didn't make any fuss about who was paying what, right? Do you know what happens to people when they're too good? People take advantage of them when they need to. It's up to you if you want to continue to be that person. As a general rule, being good is a good thing. If you want to continue to be that person, just make sure everyone learns something for themselves and that you are not taken for granted. That should be your limit/threshold.

 

You need to be firm. He said he's coming in April? Fine. Your answer: Could you mail me your ticket details please?

His reply: I didn't buy one yet.

Your reaction: OK. Then please let's talk next when you bought the ticket.

Then see how long it takes to the next chat.

Again, you need to be firm not playable by anybody.

 

Obviously the April thing was just an example. I understood there were issues meeting then. I'm saying this in case he's back, or in case you meet someone else like that.

 

Also, try to be rational and less of a dreamer. How could you even think of living with a 'boyfriend' you never met before and your disabled sister? How do you think such cohabitation can work?

 

You need to stop planning that way for your future. You can still be in close contact with your sister, but even go on with your own life. And always remember that even if something may sound selfish, whatever good happens to your own life might positively affect your sister's life. When you'll be her only family, if you strive, she will strive. If you'll be well off, she will have a better life too. So even if you leave her back for a while and focus on yourself and your career, that will pay off long-term. So it wouldn't be selfish at all in the end.

[MariaMars]

I know what being too good means. You are too good. Too good replacing your mother in her role, which you shouldn't do. Too good helping some guy you never met gaving him money that he accepted: then he didn't make any fuss about who was paying what, right? Do you know what happens to people when they're too good? People take advantage of them when they need to. It's up to you if you want to continue to be that person. As a general rule, being good is a good thing. If you want to continue to be that person, just make sure everyone learns something for themselves and that you are not taken for granted. That should be your limit/threshold.

 

You need to be firm. He said he's coming in April? Fine. Your answer: Could you mail me your ticket details please?

His reply: I didn't buy one yet.

Your reaction: OK. Then please let's talk next when you bought the ticket.

Then see how long it takes to the next chat.

Again, you need to be firm not playable by anybody.

 

Obviously the April thing was just an example. I understood there were issues meeting then. I'm saying this in case he's back, or in case you meet someone else like that.

 

Also, try to be rational and less of a dreamer. How could you even think of living with a 'boyfriend' you never met before and your disabled sister? How do you think such cohabitation can work?

 

You need to stop planning that way for your future. You can still be in close contact with your sister, but even go on with your own life. And always remember that even if something may sound selfish, whatever good happens to your own life might positively affect your sister's life. When you'll be her only family, if you strive, she will strive. If you'll be well off, she will have a better life too. So even if you leave her back for a while and focus on yourself and your career, that will pay off long-term. So it wouldn't be selfish at all in the end.

 

When my bf/ex had an idea of my sister and I living with him in Minnesota I got angry. I said "Did you even thought about my sister?!" The thing is that he doesn't want to settle in Minnesota for long so he thought it would be a good idea..but hoping from one state to the next not knowing what's going to happen next is unfair for me and my sister. Very unstable.

 

My mom stopped playing the role as a caregiver and a mother because my sister doesn't want to pay her because mom would use the money for alcohol. My mom haven't worked for 3 years and choose not to get a job. She believe I owe her a lot. She suffers from a un-diagnosed mental illness.

 

When I meet this guy I spent so much energy on this relationship that I neglected my sister and myself. I would spend hours crying or talking about him to my sister and cry and complain. As I am reflecting I realize what a waste of energy I spent on someone who believes in fate, destiny and **** like that. He wants things to go his way. He thinks I am impatient and that "good things come for those who wait". I don't believe in that because life is ****ing short.

 

I wasted a whole year hoping things would change. I was home a lot, no school, no job..no friends. I relied on this person hoping he could change our lives (me and him).

 

It's been 5 days since I even contacted him after the argument and it's getting real now. The last thing he ever text me was "Hope things are well". That was 3 days ago. He tried to call too that day but I blocked his number.

 

Meanwhile, I am slowly getting my life back. When I take care of myself my sister strives. I am studying for an exam that is required for me to enter a B.A program in teaching. I want to specialize in Special Education. I decided this because I want to inspire and help those who NEED it. Those with disabilities deserve it. As I am studying, I am also helping my sister by teaching her a few things (math, how to pay a bill, etc.) because who's going to do that? My mom gave up. And I don't mind helping because I am her sister (we are twins) and I love her.

 

I am also saving up money so sis and I can move to a home or apartment together. So I can go to college to better myself. So sis can be near programs that can support her needs. I am not sure about mom's fate but I am not responsible for her life.

 

All this realization and focus happened after deciding to not contact him. I am in my own mind finally. It's hard as hell but when you have family and myself...there is no time to weep about a lost.

 

Yeah...I gave him money for a massage table ($150) because he said he will make money doing massages so we could see each other in April. I myself bought the ticket (Amtrak) and emailed him the ticket (I bought last Jan). A month passed (last Feb) with no conversation about our plan and I got upset...and he was upset at me because I didn't understand that he's very busy and suffering from exhaustion from full-time program. March he never communicated if he can get a job to save money for our first visit or not. I had to find out myself and it hurt. But he gets mad at me for not understanding.

 

I also wasted $300 (greyhound ticket) because he was mad that I rushed things. This was Aug of last year (before he started his program). He wanted us to see each other for 5 days. At first I thought it was too short but accepted it. For a week he was like "Is this really happening?" and all happy and stuff but weeks later it changed and the plan fell apart.

[d0nnivain]

Do not emotionally invest in someone you have never met. Never give those people money or buy things for them like expensive bus tickets.

 

If you want your life to change, change it. Don't rely on someone else to try to change it for you.

 

I'd put him out of your life & your thoughts. If he comes groveling back, fine but keep your emotions walled off. He's nothing to you until he sets foot in Florida in December as you previously planned at his expense. Until he can do that this is a big fake nothing, not worthy of an emotional investment.

[MariaMars]

Also, He'll get so upset at me saying that he is working hard for us (by going to school) for us to have a better future and so he'll have more money. I understand that but it takes more than finishing school to close the distance. Communication about relocation is important. Also there was NO end-date in sight. He thinks we should take it slow, one day at a time to talk about plans. He says he's flexible and that we should come up with just ideas. Am I in the wrong for being upset?

[MariaMars]

Do not emotionally invest in someone you have never met. Never give those people money or buy things for them like expensive bus tickets.

 

If you want your life to change, change it. Don't rely on someone else to try to change it for you.

 

I'd put him out of your life & your thoughts. If he comes groveling back, fine but keep your emotions walled off. He's nothing to you until he sets foot in Florida in December as you previously planned at his expense. Until he can do that this is a big fake nothing, not worthy of an emotional investment.

 

Yes I bought myself that bus ticket. I used my savings that was meant for my sister and I future home, apartment.

 

Yes I am trying to put him out of my life and thoughts.

 

The plan was for ME to see him in Minnesota. I was always the one buying or canceling tickets.

[d0nnivain]

The plan was for ME to see him in Minnesota. I was always the one buying or canceling tickets.

 

I've been to Minnesota & Florida. Seriously, make him come to you if this survives at all.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Have you at least Skyped with this guy? Because at no point in any of your posts did he seem all that enthusiastic about you two meeting..even when YOU were going to go to him and pay for the trip. And none of that "Oh he's a man so he wants to be the provider" nonsense either. He sounds very reluctant to meet which seems mighty suspicious if you ask me.

[MariaMars]

Have you at least Skyped with this guy? Because at no point in any of your posts did he seem all that enthusiastic about you two meeting..even when YOU were going to go to him and pay for the trip. And none of that "Oh he's a man so he wants to be the provider" nonsense either. He sounds very reluctant to meet which seems mighty suspicious if you ask me.

 

Yes. 2 years ago (December) I bought a computer and start paying for the internet so we can Skype. At first it was an amazing experience and we would talk a lot then sleep at the same time on Skype till our computers hibernated and he would look at me and it was great. But slowly he stopped initiated webchats so I started too and when it happens he would fall asleep on me when I would want us to talk longer and he would get upset saying he is tired. He would turn his back on me and I wouldn't be able to see his face on webcam. Later I got mad and he tired to initiate webchats again but he would after 5 mins of talking just sleep. And I feel like time is precious especially in long distance.

[Zeurich]

Poor you dear I think you better keep him behind and focus on your studies. There are lot liars are online also fakers. I don;t think he is worth for you to cry. I hope things will be better!

[MariaMars]

I've been to Minnesota & Florida. Seriously, make him come to you if this survives at all.

 

He lived in Tampa for 3 months (we meet online at this time) but he got robbed and had no choice but to move back to Minnesota cause he had no money. I lived in a different area and at the time did not have money nor a car. But also at the time we just talked, no feeling really developed yet.

 

I can't make him come. It's his choice whether he wants to get a part-time job, save up and start seriously communicating to me about it. For now he is very pre-occupied with school. He said to me "You know school, career comes first right"? I was just silent.

[CarrieT]

The best thing you could do is end it and end it quick.

 

I am willing to bet he's got a REAL girlfriend that he sees and spends time with and just toys with you.

 

Work hard on saving money for YOU, not for an imaginary relationship that has no future.

[stillafool]

I agree with CarrieT, end it and end it quick. I think you are being taken for a ride. Never, ever consider a relationship when you have never met the man. If he truly cared about being with you he would have made the plans to come and see you. Block him and move on. So, so sorry you have wasted 3 years of your life on this guy. I'll bet anything he already has a gf where he lives.

[Standard-Fare]

I've just skimmed this thread, but OP, why don't you sit down and watch a couple episodes of the show "Catfish" right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with CarrieT, end it and end it quick. I think you are being taken for a ride. Never, ever consider a relationship when you have never met the man. If he truly cared about being with you he would have made the plans to come and see you. Block him and move on. So, so sorry you have wasted 3 years of your life on this guy. I'll bet anything he already has a gf where he lives.

 

Huge 2nd. Cut contact with him and be done with it. He's not into you anymore. You can do so much better than this guy.

[Blade96]

I started to cry and said that I feel killed inside. I kept crying and he abrupt me and said "Why are you ****ing crying"?!! over and over. He also kept saying "Calm down" "You're being dramatic" then he said "You're making up drama in your head". I cried and felt helpless on the phone. I asked myself: "AM I crazy"? "Impatient"? "Mean""

 

What a f**k?

 

Guy gets upset because you got upset that it's been 3 years and you haven't met, even though seems like he has the means to do so, unlike my guy you guys live in same country so there isn't any visa crud for him to do, you finally get (rightfully) impatient because refusing for 3 years and HE gets mad at YOU?

 

I would have lost it, blew yesterday, and left. The people who just play around on the Net but have no intentions of actually meeting anybody, you can spot them after a while.

 

I did watch a couple of episodes of Catfish, saw one where a guy couldn't communicate or something for 8 years (or something) because his parents really did make him get off the net. Another guy's mobile phone turned out to be connected with someone else's name. Turns out they were legit guys. But thing is - they never GOT MAD at the people for being concerned a little and checking up on them!

Edited August 19, 2014 by Blade96

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't understand why you'd want to close the distance with someone you've not met

I don't want to sound mean but you do sound obsessed with someone you've not met, and who isn't showing much interest in you, I would move on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Dump his a$$ ASAP and step out of your room. There is whole world waiting for you.