My girlfriend lost "almost all" her feelings?

[potsie]

I've done a lot of research already, but I still need to figure this out. So I've been with this girl for just over a year now, and it's long distance. We try to video chat at least once a week, and we snapchat and text ALL day every day. Things have been awesome..

 

Just last night she decided to tell me that her feelings have become less and less over the past month... So much now that she really doesn't know that she wants to continue this relationship. I'm a little bit confused as to how that can happen in a single month, when we've had it going for a year. She even said it was a SUPER strong connection before the summer started. Anyway it's obvious that it can happen, and I don't care to discuss that.

 

I can confirm 100% there is no other guy involved. So any replies suggesting that be the case, are going to irrelevant to me. I am SO hurt... And don't shove this "move on" crap in my face either, I'm already deciding how to go about it.

 

From what I understand, no contact is the most likely thing to have her feel something again yes? I understand also that it isn't super likely, so I'm not DYING to make that work. Is there any other way? My own head tells me that continually talking to her and being there is just going to keep me in the same place. I don't play that game. I don't got from relationship to friends, as cruel as that may sound.

 

If I sound cold I really am sorry, i am such a softy... I've just had the worst sleep of my life and am teary while I write this. So I'm having a pretty hard time We had things setup, when we would meet up and be around from then on so that we could go on consistent physical dates, etc.

 

I woke up at 3AM, and I just tried eating some oatmeal for breakfast and felt like I was going to throw up. I was reading that if you go 60 days without contact, that's like 99% for sure going to be enough time for a person to settle enough that they can choose (meaning the feelings will be easily controlled, you can get rid of them or pursue that person). If there is any additional information needed, I would be happy to provide it! So let me address the actual question now:

 

1) Is the most likely way to get her to feel again to ignore for 60 days? Or is there a better method?

 

2) IF the 60 day thing is the route I should take, do I just ignore her from here on out, or do I give her a heads up that I'm going to? I feel like the former might come off as rude, but the latter almost seems like a bad idea.

 

Again PLEASE do not say "move on bla bla.." I'm not asking if I should, I'm asking the most likely way to get her to feel again. She feels frustrated and sad that she doesn't anymore.... And then if the route I choose does not prove effective in achieving that result, I will have no choice but to let go.

 

This makes me feel HORRIBLE.... We always talked about the future, and us you know? It was such a real strong connection we had... And now she doesn't feel it..

 

(I feel like crap so I'm not proofreading this. If something doesn't make sense or you want additional information, please ask! I don't want this to drag on forever, so I would like to execute some sort of organized plan TODAY)

 

Thank you all so much in advance! I seriously appreciate every single one of you who take your time to read this and talk with me... Thank you!

[WhatYouWantToHear]

If you want to keep her less contact isn't what you want to do. More proximic contact is what you want. You need to be with her in the physical sense (and biblical) and not just with her in the emotional sense. Long distance is killing your relationship.

[veggirl]

you guys were in contact 24/7. that's too much. it wears on a person and it gets old. the newness wore off for her. don't chase her, don't tell her you love her or you're there for her, etc....that's really your only hope.

 

btw, did you guys meet in real life or was this strictly online/long distance?

[justwhoiam]

I got that you already arranged to meet her, but:

 

1) when was the meeting/visit supposed to happen?

2) where should it have taken place?

 

Reading that talking to someone too much gets old is BS to me when you're in love. In fact, I still am in love after 3 years and counting. That said, I guess some people can get bored or were just excited from the newness, etc.

If it got old, then better now than later. It'd mean she's moody, and not the person you'd want to be with LT.

 

But if that's not the case, two things come to mind:

1) she freaked out approaching the meet date

2) regardless of point #1 happening, she might think she can't sustain a LDR for much longer

 

For some, NC can help, because she might miss you and realize she wants you back into her life. But that's not always the case. NC can kill any further chance.

 

I think what you should try really bad is meeting her for real, in the flesh. You could suggest you keep any relationship with her on hold. And then tell her you'd like to meet her at least once, or you wouldn't forgive yourself for the rest of your life not doing so. You make clear that you won't be in a relationship with her while meeting her.

 

That'll be your chance. She might fall for you or not. And if she does, then you go from there. And decide what you can do, if there's anything you can do about the distance or not. But at least you won't regret not meeting her at least once.

[mammasita]

I know you want to discount another guy, but since you are long distance how do you know for sure that there isn't someone else.

 

In my experience, and I'm sure I'm a lot older than you, the only way someone "loses feelings" for one person is when they've developed for someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly, OP. Your pain is palpable through the computer screen. Please do try to continue getting some rest and eating, hard as that is right now. It's important to keep your physical strength up so your emotional strength has something to sustain it.

 

Have you met her in person before? If not, it's important that you do. (If she's willing, of course) The distance is simply too much for some people.

 

You can't make someone's feelings return. That's not in your power. All you can do is let her know how you feel and go from there. Don't suffocate her, but don't just ignore her altogether. I don't think that's going to help anything in this case. Take a big step back and reduce contact - this is important for you regardless of whether her feelings return. You need to protect your heart too.

 

I'm curious, how is it possible to 100% confirm that there's nobody else involved?

[potsie]

If you want to keep her less contact isn't what you want to do. More proximic contact is what you want. You need to be with her in the physical sense (and biblical) and not just with her in the emotional sense. Long distance is killing your relationship.

 

I want to thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it

 

you guys were in contact 24/7. that's too much. it wears on a person and it gets old. the newness wore off for her. don't chase her, don't tell her you love her or you're there for her, etc....that's really your only hope.

 

btw, did you guys meet in real life or was this strictly online/long distance?

 

 

Thanks for the reply! I don't know about this whole newness wearing off.... We've been pretty ON for like a year straight, I think it's some sort of summer conflict..

 

I got that you already arranged to meet her, but:

 

1) when was the meeting/visit supposed to happen?

2) where should it have taken place?

 

Reading that talking to someone too much gets old is BS to me when you're in love. In fact, I still am in love after 3 years and counting. That said, I guess some people can get bored or were just excited from the newness, etc.

If it got old, then better now than later. It'd mean she's moody, and not the person you'd want to be with LT.

 

But if that's not the case, two things come to mind:

1) she freaked out approaching the meet date

2) regardless of point #1 happening, she might think she can't sustain a LDR for much longer

 

For some, NC can help, because she might miss you and realize she wants you back into her life. But that's not always the case. NC can kill any further chance.

 

I think what you should try really bad is meeting her for real, in the flesh. You could suggest you keep any relationship with her on hold. And then tell her you'd like to meet her at least once, or you wouldn't forgive yourself for the rest of your life not doing so. You make clear that you won't be in a relationship with her while meeting her.

 

That'll be your chance. She might fall for you or not. And if she does, then you go from there. And decide what you can do, if there's anything you can do about the distance or not. But at least you won't regret not meeting her at least once.

 

Wow... This was such AWESOME insight!! Thank you so much. This brought me a huge amount of comfort! The meet isn't supposed to happen for a while, as her parents are still trying to get used to this idea of a LDR. Money isn't a problem for me, and I am self employed. (meaning if they would let me grab a flight tonight, I would!!)

 

She has mentioned a TON of doubt about the realisticness of what we're doing... I think all the doubt is messing with it. There was like a bunch of parts and suggestions in your post that I REALLY like! Like the part where I basically convince her to let me fly out there.... I want to so badly. Again school isn't in the way for me, so I can go anytime!

 

"Reading that talking to someone too much gets old is BS to me when you're in love"

This was EXACTLY my thought! I felt horrible when I read that we might have talked too much.. It felt so right to do.

 

"2) regardless of point #1 happening, she might think she can't sustain a LDR for much longer"

 

I had just mentioned the doubt situation.. I think she's having a lot of trouble with this

 

Thanks a ton again for this post. I ended up coming home from church today after I couldn't stop crying.... I know I'm a pansy crying about it, but that's that LOL.

 

I know you want to discount another guy, but since you are long distance how do you know for sure that there isn't someone else.

 

In my experience, and I'm sure I'm a lot older than you, the only way someone "loses feelings" for one person is when they've developed for someone else.

 

I can't explain to you all of the ways in which I monitor, but I have ways of keeping track of things. I promise I can confirm 100% it has NOTHING to do with another guy But I thank you for taking time to give me your input!! Every bit helps

 

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly, OP. Your pain is palpable through the computer screen. Please do try to continue getting some rest and eating, hard as that is right now. It's important to keep your physical strength up so your emotional strength has something to sustain it.

 

Have you met her in person before? If not, it's important that you do. (If she's willing, of course) The distance is simply too much for some people.

 

You can't make someone's feelings return. That's not in your power. All you can do is let her know how you feel and go from there. Don't suffocate her, but don't just ignore her altogether. I don't think that's going to help anything in this case. Take a big step back and reduce contact - this is important for you regardless of whether her feelings return. You need to protect your heart too.

 

I'm curious, how is it possible to 100% confirm that there's nobody else involved?

 

Your post gave me a lot of comfort, thank you for that. I wasn't sure if you would be able to see my pain or not, as my feelings are so jacked up I wasn't sure if I was sounding right or not. Thank you for the advice about the feelings!! I am trying to find a safe place to balance, hope I find the right spot :/

 

As for the involvement, I have so many ways of monitoring things. I can't explain them all here (probably wouldn't be appropriate) but me saying that is NOT speculation. I am absolutely 100% sure there is nobody else. Not because I trust her, but because I have other credible resources monitoring things for me

 

Her parents are the only reason I haven't yet, they aren't too fond of this LDR stuff Money is not a problem for me, so if I could I would fly out tomorrow.. I wish I could...

 

 

 

 

I want to thank you all again for your posts so far, I was having an extremely hard time this morning and last night, but after reading these I feel a bit better.

 

I'm still not feeling too well, so I did not check my spelling grammar, or anything else. So If I didn't give you a good reply, I am sorry about that. Simply ask me to, and I will try my best! My mind is still flippy floppy, so it's hard to think :/ Every one of you has been amazing so far, I can't thank you enough!

[FitChick]

You haven't met so it's just a fantasy. She wants a real boyfriend.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You're 100% sure because you're somehow able to "monitor" every single aspect of her life and communications...

 

You're old enough to be self-employed, but she's young enough to (presumably) be living with her parents or at least still significantly under their influence....

 

You've never actually met, but you talk 24/7...

 

Am I the only person whose alarm bells are going off?

[TAV]

I agree with the other posters who say that not turning this online relationship into a real life one is one of your problems here. She does not have any real prospects and is right to have several doubts about the reality of things.

 

I'm also concerned about the lack of approval from her parents; not only because of the fact that they 'forbade' you to fly to her but also the disapproval of the relationship on the whole. Why is that? And why do the parents have so much of a say in this?

 

Is she only 16, does she come from a different, strict culture, do the parents think you are a bad influence, has she been lying to them and doing things she should not be doing to keep 'seeing' you? Explain please, OP.

 

Regarding the ways to keep tabs on her, that sounds a bit creepy and you say yourself that it is not appropriate, so why do you do that? Has she given you any reason not to trust her or is this just something you do with any gf that you have?

[chados]

1) Is the most likely way to get her to feel again to ignore for 60 days? Or is there a better method?

 

theres no timelimit to say when you will feel better or if she will change her mind. trust me when i say this. things will be better as soon as you let go. if you keep yourself attached to her when shes not there its going to hurt you so much for a much longer time.

 

2) IF the 60 day thing is the route I should take, do I just ignore her from here on out, or do I give her a heads up that I'm going to? I feel like the former might come off as rude, but the latter almost seems like a bad idea.

 

there is nothing anyone in here can say that will make sure she will come back and change her mind. im guessing youre young and this might be the first relationship? if thats the case guess what. the chance of you feeling like this if it would happen again with another girl is pretty small. once youve dealt with it one time its easier the next time. not because you dont love the other girl but because youre not going to be knocked down as hard this time. the odds of this happen will also decrease because if you spend some time dealing with a breakup, and learn what caused it you will come out as a more confident and secure in yourself. my first breakup changed my life. i was so depressed that i couldnt do anything. but the progress i made and the person i am today makes me able to keep the relationship going. so dont give up on yourself.

 

Again PLEASE do not say "move on bla bla.." I'm not asking if I should, I'm asking the most likely way to get her to feel again. She feels frustrated and sad that she doesn't anymore.... And then if the route I choose does not prove effective in achieving that result, I will have no choice but to let go.

 

This makes me feel HORRIBLE.... We always talked about the future, and us you know? It was such a real strong connection we had... And now she doesn't feel it..

 

(I feel like crap so I'm not proofreading this. If something doesn't make sense or you want additional information, please ask! I don't want this to drag on forever, so I would like to execute some sort of organized plan TODAY)

 

Thank you all so much in advance! I seriously appreciate every single one of you who take your time to read this and talk with me... Thank you!

 

 

 

the thing is some people break up for nothing. they think its gonna be better with someone else. then they break up again. it happens a lot if their mother has done the same thing during her life. and the guy doesnt understand the girl. this is just me guessing and please dont be offended.

 

youre young, a little new to relationships. never had anyone break up with you this way. this might be the first real relationship.

 

its easy to make your relationship a routine. where you do the same things all the time. you make her feel like you need her to be happy about yourself. its important to say no and stand up for yourself. dont let her be in charge. dont be scared about her or what she will think.

 

the reason why people say let her go is because most people here that says that do it because theyve been there before. letting her go is the best way to get her back and also the best way to heal yourself. do not chase her. do not let her think that you need her to come back. be okey with it. tell her that you understand the situation and you agree that it was for the best, nothing else.

 

sounds stupid? yes it does. but you dont need to explain to her how you feel. shes the one that seems to wanna leave you. if you tell her that you miss her youre telling her something she already knows and it will be harder for yourself every time you let your guard down. the time to heal will take so much longer. and the chances of her taking you back will be smaller each time you make her feel that you need her.

 

 

you dont wanna hear this but this is not the end in any way. you are gonna find someone more suitable for yourself. an youre never gonna look back.

[chados]

You're 100% sure because you're somehow able to "monitor" every single aspect of her life and communications...

 

You're old enough to be self-employed, but she's young enough to (presumably) be living with her parents or at least still significantly under their influence....

 

You've never actually met, but you talk 24/7...

 

Am I the only person whose alarm bells are going off?

 

 

i realize i actually havent read this properly. then i definitely would say. relax and enjoy life. dont worry about some person you havent met. she doesnt know you and you dont know her well enough before youve met.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, why haven't her parents allowed a meeting to happen? How old is she?

 

Also, what are you doing to monitor her, and what prompted that? Did she give you reasons not to trust her?

 

I think the bottom line is that she wants a local boyfriend.

[d0nnivain]

I suspect that she has come to the conclusion that she wants a real relationship where she gets to see the other person regularly as opposed to only being able to communicate through electronics. If her parents don't care for this LDR, you should assume they have been working to get her to break up with you.

 

I don't know what this reliable method you have to keep tabs on her is, but maybe she found out you were spying on her & that tipped the scales against you. It sounds very creepy to me. If the parents found out, (assuming they are not the source of your info) they may have also suggested to her that you don't trust her. If you did, there would be no need to monitor her.

 

As for NC, it's a healing tool. It's designed to help you feel better It is not a way to manipulate her into missing you & wanting you back

[justwhoiam]

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

 

her parents are still trying to get used to this idea of a LDR. Money isn't a problem for me, and I am self employed. (meaning if they would let me grab a flight tonight, I would!!)

A-ha! Maybe this all came from constant pressure from her parents/family/friends.

How old is she? And how old are you?

 

If she's a teen and you're in your late 20s or over, then people might tend to think that you will have expectations, as a man. So you get the point. Also, parents in general (especially old school) do not like the idea of getting to know some stranger through the Internet. She should have been smarter and say that she met you at some party, whatever. It would have taken a totally different turn. Now, you're kind of stuck. It's good that you didn't push to meet her yet. She might get in trouble at home.

 

If you're self-employed, could you work from potentially anywhere in the world? That might help, because a possible relationship with her wouldn't be LD for long.

[potsie]

You're 100% sure because you're somehow able to "monitor" every single aspect of her life and communications...

 

You're old enough to be self-employed, but she's young enough to (presumably) be living with her parents or at least still significantly under their influence....

 

You've never actually met, but you talk 24/7...

 

Am I the only person whose alarm bells are going off?

 

I never said I could monitor every single aspect.. I have mutual friends I can work through. We have a THREE year age gap, stop making me sound so frickin creepy LOL. I am a young entrepreneur, I don't see an issue with that?? Woow

 

Thanks for the reply anyway! I like that you're trying to help, but it mainly sounds like you're attacking me...

 

I agree with the other posters who say that not turning this online relationship into a real life one is one of your problems here. She does not have any real prospects and is right to have several doubts about the reality of things.

 

I'm also concerned about the lack of approval from her parents; not only because of the fact that they 'forbade' you to fly to her but also the disapproval of the relationship on the whole. Why is that? And why do the parents have so much of a say in this?

 

Is she only 16, does she come from a different, strict culture, do the parents think you are a bad influence, has she been lying to them and doing things she should not be doing to keep 'seeing' you? Explain please, OP.

 

Regarding the ways to keep tabs on her, that sounds a bit creepy and you say yourself that it is not appropriate, so why do you do that? Has she given you any reason not to trust her or is this just something you do with any gf that you have?

 

Well I've got her by about 3 years, we are both relatively young. I don't think her parents are too fond of the age gap (I personally didn't think it was bad!) So I'm just working around that. There isn't a problem with me as far as I know, just the age gap and LDR that we are working. There may be some emotional concerns that her parents have, I honestly have no idea :/

"Regarding the ways to keep tabs on her, that sounds a bit creepy and you say yourself that it is not appropriate"

 

I was refering to mutual friendships that I'm able to utilize to gather information, just classic networking! Nothing creepy I assure you!! Haha

 

Thank you for replying also!!

 

OP, why haven't her parents allowed a meeting to happen? How old is she?

 

Also, what are you doing to monitor her, and what prompted that? Did she give you reasons not to trust her?

 

I think the bottom line is that she wants a local boyfriend.

 

By Monitor I meant NOTHING creepy, I see now why people took it that way! (Because it sounds creepy LOL). I literally have mutual friends, it's just simple networking that I utilize, nothing weird! The age gap is 3 years, we are both relatively young. I am an early adult, and she is coming up on it soon. They don't like that, that's the only issue as far as I know! Everything has gone smoothly in virtually every other area! Thank you for replying so far

 

 

I suspect that she has come to the conclusion that she wants a real relationship where she gets to see the other person regularly as opposed to only being able to communicate through electronics. If her parents don't care for this LDR, you should assume they have been working to get her to break up with you.

 

I don't know what this reliable method you have to keep tabs on her is, but maybe she found out you were spying on her & that tipped the scales against you. It sounds very creepy to me. If the parents found out, (assuming they are not the source of your info) they may have also suggested to her that you don't trust her. If you did, there would be no need to monitor her.

 

As for NC, it's a healing tool. It's designed to help you feel better It is not a way to manipulate her into missing you & wanting you back

 

Okay, this is the fourth person to mention this "tabs" stuff, so my wording must have been HORRIBLE. I have mutual friends that I utilize to get gather info, it's just simple networking nothing creepy! There isn't a trust issue I think her parents don't like the LDR, and the 3 year age gap. That's the main issue, and I don't know how to convince them otherwise :/ I'm legally an adult, and she is really close! That's the other part, I just didn't think that mattered since we are so close in age anyway!

 

Thank you as well for replying

 

You're welcome.

 

A-ha! Maybe this all came from constant pressure from her parents/family/friends.

How old is she? And how old are you?

 

If she's a teen and you're in your late 20s or over, then people might tend to think that you will have expectations, as a man. So you get the point. Also, parents in general (especially old school) do not like the idea of getting to know some stranger through the Internet. She should have been smarter and say that she met you at some party, whatever. It would have taken a totally different turn. Now, you're kind of stuck. It's good that you didn't push to meet her yet. She might get in trouble at home.

 

If you're self-employed, could you work from potentially anywhere in the world? That might help, because a possible relationship with her wouldn't be LD for long.

 

I am legally an adult, and she isn't quite! We have a 3 year age gap, which they really aren't too happy about. (I honestly don't know why, it didn't seem bad to me!)

 

Yes I can work anywhere! I work in my office at home, and the people I hire work from theirs (it's an internet and software based company that I started about a year ago, and has been growing mad)

 

Do you think I should "push" to get her parents to let me fly out for a few days? Or would that be a bad idea? (I asked her yesterday for a little break, that way I could think and talk with you guys). What do you think??

 

Thanks for being so helpful!

 

 

 

MONITORING CLARIFICATION: I am not doing something CREEPY, it's mutual friendships that I can utilize to gather information. It's just like everyone does with their little networking, nothing weird haha!

[potsie]

Thanks to all of you so far for replying! I love that you guys take out your own personal time to help me out... Except for chimpanA-2-chimpanZ. You're being mean -____- I don't creeeep.. I hope my clarifications for you made more sense so you stop biting my head off

 

I came her for help and advice, not to be freaking attacked

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You're right; just about all of us use our mutual friends for information every now and then. But I'd venture to guess just about NOBODY calls it "monitoring". You didn't do yourself any favors when you said this:

 

As for the involvement, I have so many ways of monitoring things. I can't explain them all here (probably wouldn't be appropriate)

 

That doesn't sound like you just talk to your friends for information. I think there's something else involved that you probably realize is wrong and don't want to talk about. Fine. But don't blame us for calling you on it.

 

All that aside, there's really nothing you can do about your ex-girlfriend. If her feelings are gone and she doesn't want to work on the relationship then you have to let her go.

 

Let's assume that she does actually still like you. Try to understand the stress she's under---she probably sees all her friends dating, kissing, making out and having sex and getting their hearts broken. She can't do any of that with a guy who lives hours away. As other posters have said, unless you can be a living breathing presence in her everyday life, you probably feel like an imaginary boyfriend, and at her age that's just not enough. So are you going to really be in her life? Are you willing to uproot yourself for someone you haven't even met? And even if you were, it doesn't matter if she doesn't like you anymore.

 

You need to have an honest conversation if she's willing. If she is, maybe you can work to get onto the same page. Otherwise you have to bow out of this one.

[TAV]

Thanks for replying, OP. So she is 15 and you are 18? Why are you not naming numbers? It would give us a much clearer view on the situation.

 

Since you are an upcoming player in the business field have you not wondered yourself what you want with a schoolgirl? Would a woman with her own career and going through the same things as you not be a better match?

 

Next to the fact that you are not 'real' to your young gf yet and her probably longing to do the whole dating thing that girls her age do, I think the fact that her parents somehow think you are in a much different phase in your life and therefore a threat to their daughter, is working very much against you. Remember that she spends everyday with them, they are influencing her probably every time they sit down for dinner etc. That is not easy for the girl and not much fun either. At this point in her life she is supposed to live relatively carefree.

 

If you really are serious about her you have to find a way to meet her parents and make your intentions clear, get them on your side. Otherwise I do not see this working out.

 

And from my own POV (I'm a mom with teenage kids) I'm not sure if I'd want this for one of my kids either. I actually actively discourage them from getting involved with strangers online, same age or not, because I think at this phase in their life the real life social scene is very important for their development.

[d0nnivain]

Potsie

 

If you initially said mutual friends assure me there is no one else, none of us would have thought twice about your certainty concerning her fidelity. Your use of the word monitoring made it sound like at a minimum you installed a keystroke tracker on her computer & otherwise had her passwords etc. Even you will agree those things are creepy (not the friends)

 

If your GF really is a teenager, of course her parent are going to be against this. They want their daughter to have a normal teenage life -- to date a local boy who will take her to the prom. Two years from now when she's ready to go & you're in your 20s you won't give her that classic teenaged experience because you will be beyond that.

 

It's not so much your ages but your life experiences that make you incompatible at the present time. She's a kid & you are more of an adult. If you truly care about her, stop trying to steal the end of her childhood. Let her go.

[potsie]

You're right; just about all of us use our mutual friends for information every now and then. But I'd venture to guess just about NOBODY calls it "monitoring". You didn't do yourself any favors when you said this:

 

 

 

That doesn't sound like you just talk to your friends for information. I think there's something else involved that you probably realize is wrong and don't want to talk about. Fine. But don't blame us for calling you on it.

 

All that aside, there's really nothing you can do about your ex-girlfriend. If her feelings are gone and she doesn't want to work on the relationship then you have to let her go.

 

Let's assume that she does actually still like you. Try to understand the stress she's under---she probably sees all her friends dating, kissing, making out and having sex and getting their hearts broken. She can't do any of that with a guy who lives hours away. As other posters have said, unless you can be a living breathing presence in her everyday life, you probably feel like an imaginary boyfriend, and at her age that's just not enough. So are you going to really be in her life? Are you willing to uproot yourself for someone you haven't even met? And even if you were, it doesn't matter if she doesn't like you anymore.

 

You need to have an honest conversation if she's willing. If she is, maybe you can work to get onto the same page. Otherwise you have to bow out of this one.

 

Thank you for the advice!! Yeah, It's annoying I am going to talk to her about this tonight/tomorrow morning, and see if her parents will let me fly out there for a few days.

 

We have talked a TON about this stuff actually, so I always assumed I was on the same page as her. She's in 3 AP classes this year, she is VERY academically focused. With that said, she finds long distance to have it's perk since she can focus on relationship without fully devoting her physical time to it, since she has a ton of educational stress. She's extremely confused about her emotions right now, so I think I need to go over there and interact in real life for a day or two. Then I'll fly home. If she doesn't think this is what she wants, then at least I will know

 

Sorry if some of what I said didn't make sense, I can clarify anything if needed! thanks again for replying

 

Thanks for replying, OP. So she is 15 and you are 18? Why are you not naming numbers? It would give us a much clearer view on the situation.

 

Since you are an upcoming player in the business field have you not wondered yourself what you want with a schoolgirl? Would a woman with her own career and going through the same things as you not be a better match?

 

Next to the fact that you are not 'real' to your young gf yet and her probably longing to do the whole dating thing that girls her age do, I think the fact that her parents somehow think you are in a much different phase in your life and therefore a threat to their daughter, is working very much against you. Remember that she spends everyday with them, they are influencing her probably every time they sit down for dinner etc. That is not easy for the girl and not much fun either. At this point in her life she is supposed to live relatively carefree.

 

If you really are serious about her you have to find a way to meet her parents and make your intentions clear, get them on your side. Otherwise I do not see this working out.

 

And from my own POV (I'm a mom with teenage kids) I'm not sure if I'd want this for one of my kids either. I actually actively discourage them from getting involved with strangers online, same age or not, because I think at this phase in their life the real life social scene is very important for their development.

 

Okay, sure! I can name numbers I am 19, she is 16 (don't judge me LOL). Again I am only 19, so I've only been out of school for a year. I am not selective about women based on career choices, or anything of that nature. If I find them attractive and make a strong connection with them, then perfect! (My preference is to find a women who wants to stay home, and help give my future children a stable living environment).

 

Thank you for the advice on the parents. I think you are absolutely 100% correct, they have to be on my side and support this for it to work. I'm not trying to "do anything" right now so to speak. I told her I am willing to wait as long as it takes, years even, I really can handle it. (we've gone a year now). My work is extremely flexible as I mentioned above, so I can adapt with that too! (Her parents have allowed me to have her email address, physical address, phone number, social contacts etc. So I assume they like me at LEAST a little bit (they've also seen my pictures and online profiles, as well as when we video chat. I can link you to my social profile privately so you know I'm not a weirdo! Just not publicly in the post

 

 

Thanks for all of the help and advice so far! You guys have been great!

[justwhoiam]

I am legally an adult, and she isn't quite! We have a 3 year age gap, which they really aren't too happy about. (I honestly don't know why, it didn't seem bad to me!)

Well, if you're 18 and she's 15, then I get why her parents are a bit rigid. 3 years are nothing, you're right. It's just her age at the moment, that might make things difficult.

 

Do you think I should "push" to get her parents to let me fly out for a few days? Or would that be a bad idea?

Well, it depends on how you do it... Did you see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, the main character wanted to work at her aunt's travel agency, but in order to do so, it shouldn't have been her own idea. With the help of her own mother, she was able to turn that into her own father's idea. If you see the movie, it'll be very clear to you. If you have a way to make it be almost their own idea, then you'll be fine. Otherwise, you shouldn't put this girl between fires. Chances are she will choose her parents.

 

How do you have her parents let her go out with you? Doesn't she have a prom or something? Or you could make friends with some of her friends, and be introduced to them as Z's friend. Be creative, you started up your own company, so I guess you have ideas, and good ones too.

 

I asked her yesterday for a little break, that way I could think and talk with you guys). What do you think??

Well, I guess it sounds a bit mysterious, you wanting a little break, and it shouldn't hurt. Build trust. Be smart. Be sensible. Be proactive.

 

What counts in the end is how much she likes you and how deep she's in love with you. If her feelings are mild or get mild, for whatever reason, then you stand little chance to be with her.

[potsie]

Well, if you're 18 and she's 15, then I get why her parents are a bit rigid. 3 years are nothing, you're right. It's just her age at the moment, that might make things difficult.

 

Well, it depends on how you do it... Did you see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, the main character wanted to work at her aunt's travel agency, but in order to do so, it shouldn't have been her own idea. With the help of her own mother, she was able to turn that into her own father's idea. If you see the movie, it'll be very clear to you. If you have a way to make it be almost their own idea, then you'll be fine. Otherwise, you shouldn't put this girl between fires. Chances are she will choose her parents.

 

How do you have her parents let her go out with you? Doesn't she have a prom or something? Or you could make friends with some of her friends, and be introduced to them as Z's friend. Be creative, you started up your own company, so I guess you have ideas, and good ones too.

 

Well, I guess it sounds a bit mysterious, you wanting a little break, and it shouldn't hurt. Build trust. Be smart. Be sensible. Be proactive.

 

What counts in the end is how much she likes you and how deep she's in love with you. If her feelings are mild or get mild, for whatever reason, then you stand little chance to be with her.

 

 

Haven't seen the movie.... I can check it out! Looks like it's pretty old Haha! I think you are 100% right about the parents thing.. I had an artist friend make me some custom art for her about a subject/thing that she likes (I'm being generic on the off chance she finds this, which I've probably given enough information already for her to do that) and I had a custom shirt and pillow made for her birthday. Her mom LOVED it, so that's a plus. So far anything they've heard about me has been positive, and they have let us have our relationship with the age gap. I am persuasive, and have studied a lot of psychology. The issue is most of what I know isn't so easily applicable to long distance, so I have to learn a lot! Hence me asking here hehe.

 

I am pretty sure I can get them on the phone and talk there and negotiate a deal. I fly out there and they can meet me at the airport. If by their first impressions they aren't comfortable with me, I'll fly back home. I don't think that would happen, as I am about 6'6( (not in a cocky way HAHA) (or 200cm if you're from England with the metric standards) And I've never met someone in my life who didn't like me (Again not being cocky, it's just what i've observed and that everyone pesters me about lol)

 

The way you talk (and I fully agree) I need literally a TEENY bit of trust from the parents, just enough for them to give me the chance to meet them. Talking on the phone for 5 minutes isn't going to get me the level of rapport I need. As I mentioned earlier, they allowed me to have her physical address, email, phone numbers etc. I think the only trust they have is due to whatever their daughter is saying. But I don't think that will cut it. Any ideas of how to build some level of trust with them? I'm trying to decide what will cross their comfort line. Sending them a tweet or Facebook message for example, I just don't know if that will come across creepy or acceptable/friendly. Virtually every idea I have of initializing a connection with them, has a potentially creepy risk attached to it.

 

Would contacting them through the daughter be of any use? Based on the psychology information I have, I know that I need them to feel respected, and in control. If they feel both of those and are comfortable with me, everything will be just fine. IF I go through the daughter, I have 2 options that I can think of.

 

1) I have her kindly ask her parents for permission to give me their contact information.

2) I have her speak for me and them, so we communicate with her.

 

I can find several major issues with the latter, one especially being miscommunication. The second is they may feel that I am not letting them be in control, which they are.

 

Number 1 it's still possible they feel uncomfortable with that. If that ends of being the case, the chance of me gaining trust with them any time soon will be significantly reduced. Or I could have her give them my phone number, and ask that they contact me? The nice thing is, they will feel like I'm handing them option and control. The negative is IF they don't message/call me, then I have to wait. If I push and become annoying, they aren't going to like that.

 

I'm only releasing a small amount of my insight here. It doesn't stress me out to create options, I actually enjoy it. Then I think of the web of consequences for every possible options. It's always helpful to get an outside opinion on the issue at hand

 

Summary: If I made it too long and you don't want to read it, here's the quick summary. I need parents trust (at least enough for them to consider letting me fly there so they can meet me), and I can't do that without contacting them. I don't have their contact info, and they do not have mine. What's the best way to get in contact with them and discuss some of this with them? I proposed some basic information in my book above LOOOOL but any additional insight or ideas is much appreciated! Thank you

 

(I apologize once again for the long message, I typically get carried away! I figure it's better I give you too much than too little, yes? I also didn't edit, so if something doesn't make sense feel free to let me know so that I can clarify!)

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

If your girlfriend wants to break up with you and you contact her parents, you will officially have nuked any possible chance you have of reconciling and may well end up with a restraining order. This is real life, not a romantic comedy. This is not a problem to solve. Either your girlfriend wants to stay together or she doesn't; nothing else matters. You are obligated to respect her decision.

 

I'm not trying to be a jerk, really, it's just that you don't seem to understand that you have no control whatsoever over this situation. You can't make her feel a certain way. Her parents, her concerns, her uncertainties aren't "obstacles". They're realities. When you write all these long posts about how you know everything about her and all the research you've done on the psychology, it just makes you look like you're unwilling or unable to accept the truth. This is about her feelings, not all the amazing things you can do to prove you're such a great guy.

 

Ask her directly if she wants to stay together or not. If not, go out there and find someone new.

[potsie]

If your girlfriend wants to break up with you and you contact her parents, you will officially have nuked any possible chance you have of reconciling and may well end up with a restraining order. This is real life, not a romantic comedy. This is not a problem to solve. Either your girlfriend wants to stay together or she doesn't; nothing else matters. You are obligated to respect her decision.

 

I'm not trying to be a jerk, really, it's just that you don't seem to understand that you have no control whatsoever over this situation. You can't make her feel a certain way. Her parents, her concerns, her uncertainties aren't "obstacles". They're realities. When you write all these long posts about how you know everything about her and all the research you've done on the psychology, it just makes you look like you're unwilling or unable to accept the truth. This is about her feelings, not all the amazing things you can do to prove you're such a great guy.

 

Ask her directly if she wants to stay together or not. If not, go out there and find someone new.

 

I already explained she is confused, and I broke it for a couple of days (she didn't last long, obviously LOL) she's confused about a few funny things she noticed. After giving her some time to not be able to contact me, she kept texting me. She didn't last 12hrs. So we talked about it, and she doesn't want the break, so next step!

 

I wrote that to someone else, obviously I can't expect you to read through all of my replies, but it was there. As I said in my last reply, the goal now is to go meet her to see if this is worth pursuing like this. I have to get her parents permission of course, and that's where I'm at.

 

Thanks for the reply, chimp!

 

I understand you aren't trying to be a jerk, but your replies generally seem more negative. I am going to talk to her on the phone tomorrow to get a clear idea of what we're gonna do I'll update you on how that goes if you'd like!