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She wont meet in person


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Hello,

 

Im new and this is my first post heh.

 

Ive been in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 10 months. We're both young adults, her being 3 years younger than me.

 

I love her very much and I dont doubt for a second that she loves me. My only complaint is that she wont agree to meet me in person, weather i come to her or vice-versa, not in the foreseable future anyway.

 

At every turn, regardless of what I try to offer, she systematically refuses to meet me. I've gotten tons of reasons, some more questionnable than others, such as her parents wont let her, she would find it hard to part company again, she isint ready and so forth. The distance is not so great, but it would require a two hour flight to get there. What is worst is the fact that there is no definite timetable set for our first encounter. Every time I question her on that subject she answers " I'm not sure, not for a long time ".

 

Now we've both seen pictures of each other, though I have sent her more. She has only sent me two, both in the same outfit and setting. She seems unwilling to send me more and when i ask her to she has told me that she she did not want to or "maybe" and not push the subject. I havent "pushed" the issue, but it has me wondering if the reason why she wont meet me in person and wont send me more pictures is that the ones she sent me arent of her. She gave me these pictures about 5 months into our relationship. My love for her was never conditional on her looks. As a matter of fact I asked her to meet me before ever seeing her, though she had seen me. And even if she has lied about her appearance i would still love her.

 

But could her being ashamed of her physical appearance be the root of all this? How do I make her realise that she doesnt need to fear herself.

 

And yet what if i am wrong and the pictures i have are of her, why would she hold back?

 

Any help is welcome,

Thank you

 

CIE

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Well.... to begin with I think the word "Love" is a pretty strong word to use at this point because essentially, you don't really know her.

 

While I can understand that you've been talking with her online for quite sometime and feel like you know her... reality is, you only know what she tells you. (I'm not saying she is or has lied, but don't think for a minute it doesn't happen)

 

It could very well be that she lied about who she is regarding her photograph(s) because to me, it does seem more than odd that she is telling you she loves you, but is reluctant to send any other photos of herself... and again, while I can understand her reluctance to meet you in person (how old are you two anyway?) (she's worried about what her parents would say?) her reluctance could be again.... that she has lied regarding her appearance.... but it is also very possible that she has lied about her age and any number of things....

 

Then there is the fear of meeting someone in real time from online because once again a person can claim to be anything.... see what I'm saying? Which brings me back to what I first said... Love is a very strong word to use when you don't really know each other....

 

Obvioulsy you care about this girl and whom she has presented herself to be.... may be true and it may not be....

 

A few things to ask yourself here...

 

1) do you have her home phone number?

2) do you have her address?

3) do you have anything to go on for who she says she is that is tangible?

 

Ask her to get a webcam... they are not expensive, and try talking with her online that way... then you get to actually "see" her, hear her voice... see what is going on when you're talking....

 

IF she is reluctant or refuses to get on a webcam.... I would be very cautious... and it would probably lead me to believe she has been less than honest about a whole lot of things.

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I have to agree with what Merin is saying here, I think you need to be very careful. If you truly are in a "relationship", I don't know why she wouldn't want to meet you. As much as you can get to know someone on-line through chatting and what not, that doesn't mean they're always telling the truth or that you can get a total read on a person. My brother had some good advice for me since I just started seeing a girl I met through the Internet, and that was to try and get more phone contact and real life contact to see if the chemistry is there. A person can be totally different in person then they are online.

 

On a positive note though, maybe the girl is just afraid or wants to take things really slow. I'll be honest, the girl I'm currently dating (I get to see her tonight, YEAH!), was very cautious and wanted to take things very slowly. I was ready to meet up and get to know each other in person after a couple of weeks of e-mailing and chatting on IM, but she wasn't so sure. It took about 3 months (May till August) for her to get comfortable with us meeting and going out, and then we had to find time we were both free. It took another month to go out for the 2nd time, things went well so that's where we're at now. So there may be hope for you although 10 months is a long time to warm up to the idea of meeting. I would be very carefule on this. I hope things work out!

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Maybe she has lied to you about something and now she's afraid to meet you. Maybe she lied about her appearance because she thought you would never meet. Have you talked to her? Just be careful, she might not be who you think she is.

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Well I'll answer some of your questions here so you get a better picture of whats going on.

 

Im 21, hence she is 18. She IS scared what her parents will think. She has keep me secret from her parents and I have told mine. Mine are very confident in me and they trust me enough to let me do pretty much anything I please because they know i wont trample that trust. Her parents on the other hand are quite strict.

 

Now you asked if i knew her address and her phone number etc. Well to tell you the truth, she has never given me these things, but I will go as far as to say that it would not be hard for me to find them out, as she trusts me enough for me to have them right under my nose, i just dont look at them. Now I HAVE talked to her with my voice. We use an internet voice chatting program to talk. However, she hasnt spoken in a long long time. I introduced this voice prog. to both facilitate our communication and avoid huge phone bills that would tip off her parents. Now she doesnt speak anymore. The reason she gave me is that she doesnt want her family overhearing. But frankly she doesnt even talk when her family is not home. She tells me she hates her voice and it makes her uncomfortable when i tell her that i think its beautiful.

 

Im not completly blind, I know she has lied to me on several occasions. Her age for instance, she lied to me about it. However she came forward and told me she had lied about it, so I would tend to believe she would not admit to a lie only to tell me another one. I have asked her to get a webcam a while back, but she declined implying that it might raise suspition from her parents.

 

Obviously she lies to me. What is unclear is her reason or reasons.

 

I hope this additional information can help you help me a little better.

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Originally posted by tikibrandy

Don't you deserve a real girlfriend? I think you do.

 

 

I think he does too!

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Maybe she is a big ugly girl, and knows you'll dump her when you see her, or

 

her parents wont let her

 

This might be true.

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Originally posted by naive_2001

I think he does too!

 

Got to 3rd that!

 

Think about what you're saying...

You say she trust's you... BUT she hasn't actually given you her address, her phone number, her real age (and don't think for a minute she would lie a second time)

 

She loves you... BUT she doesn't want her family to know about you AT ALL and uses that as her excuse why she can't get a web cam, she can't talk on the phone, she can't talk on a voice program and she can't meet you in person...

 

Sorry, but this girl is full of s***.

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She's Come Undone

Sweetie, you need to break yourself from this uncertainty, will we meet, won't we???

 

Concentrate on the ways you can meet new people. Church, Home Depot, grocery store, sport, anything. Get outside and LIVE!

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bluechocolate

Too weird.

 

I'm just having such a hard time buying any of this.

 

Im not completly blind,

 

Maybe just legally blind?

 

I love her very much and I dont doubt for a second that she loves me.

 

She lies to you. She won't talk to you on the phone. She won't send you more/recent photo's. She won't get a webcam. She won't speak to you anymore. She won't let you meet her. And you don't doubt for a second that she loves you?! And you've never even met this girl?

 

21 & 18 !! You are both adults (apparently) and this adult woman is so afraid of her parents that she can't even receive phone calls? Or make them for the matter? Come on. Has she ever gone down the road & used a pay phone? Gone over to a friends house & used their phone?

 

Originally posted by tikibrandy

Don't you deserve a real girlfriend? I think you do.

 

and

 

She's not who she says she is. This happens all the time with internet dating.
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Think about what you're saying...

You say she trust's you... BUT she hasn't actually given you her address, her phone number, her real age

 

Think about it this way : Its as if i had a book with her address and phone number in it, wich she would have given to me and could not be faked. I dont open the book because she trusts me not to.

 

She loves you... BUT she doesn't want her family to know about you AT ALL and uses that as her excuse why she can't get a web cam, she can't talk on the phone, she can't talk on a voice program and she can't meet you in person...

 

Now i know for a fact that her family are extremely strict. Back when she use to talk there where times where I would overhear her parents yelling at her. It could even be one of the reasons why she doesnt want to talk anymore.

 

 

Obviously im on the defensive now. It may become infuriating for you hehe. But the truth is, when someone submits something that makes me click and ponder I WILL SERIOUSLY spend time analysing that notion. Its just that ive had lots of time to question myself about all of this so dont be surprised if some of the thing you guys say have already crossed my mind.

 

Thanks again!

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You are deluding yourself. Despite all the signs that she is a bad deal, you are hoping to believe she isn't. But you came here because, deep down, you know she is. As everyone else has said, you haven't got enough elements to construct 'love' from. Your 'love' is based on what you imagine her to be and is untarnished by reality. If she really loved you, she would find ways to get in touch with you more. She would not have sent you photos of someone else (that's why there are no more photos - she doesn't have any).

 

A lot of people prefer to live in a life of self-delusion. It's pretty miserable when the truth finally smacks them in the face. Keep your seatbelt fastened.

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