LDR - No calls, only txts

[Crila16]

In May, I went on a wine tasting tour to California (I live in NYC). While I was there, I met an amazing guy from Chicago, who was on the tour with us. He is divorced 8 years with 2 children (duo custody with his ex). He instantly took to me, and was convinced we were meant to be and would marry one day.

 

After the trip, we stayed in touch via text. I finally told him to call, and he did immediately. I told him if he ever wanted to get to know me, he'd have to visit me in NYC. He bought his tkts that day, and 3 weeks later was in NYC. We totally clicked and laughed the entire weekend he was here. Everything was amazing. He then said, every 2 weeks we will see each other, provided time allowed.

 

2 weeks later...he was back. Another amazing weekend. Even has our photo as his facebook profile pic, and shared our deep dark secrets.

 

Since we're a little older, we also discussed a future and my having a kid with him (if we marry). I told him if we were together in a year, I'd have to move to Chicago, because of his job and his kids. He started tearing up and was so happy (and he's a guy's guy...not emotional). He told me he didn't expect me to move without a ring on the finger. He then said he wants this to work, and us to be only with each other. I've spoken to his kids on the phone (they want me to marry their dad), his family knows about me, he's met my brother. It's been going super well. There is no question that I'm on a pedistal and he's crazy about me, when he's here.

 

Only problem. When he's back in Chicago, he never calls me. Hardly ever. He only txts. A good morning txt, a few "how's the weather" or "How's work going" txts. Never a call. I finally txt and said "please take 5 min to call me." He called me immediately. I told him that if he expected a future and commitment from me, we were going to have to get to know each other. Since it's long distance, the only daily communication is the phone. I want to know about his day, I want to talk about mine...just get to know each other. He said "I'll call every day if you want." I said "I'm not saying every day, just at least a few times a week. We're too old for the txting only thing."

 

This was a week ago. Nothing. No call. Just stupid, txts everyday still. Good morning, how's your day. Is it raining? Not one mention of when he's coming here again. We had loosely discussed this weekend, but he hasn't said a word, and he still hasn't called.

 

Does it sound like this guy just not that into me if he's not calling me and only txt's me everyday...or is there really such thing as guys who hate the phone?

[d0nnivain]

When phone is all there is I think they like the phone more

 

I'd be concerned that he has somebody locally in Chicago.

[Crila16]

You think there might be someone else? I've spoken to the kids on the phone and they tell me to marry their dad, and refer to me as his girlfriend. He also invited me to his family reunion, but I can't go the weekend they're having it.

 

Also, he had the picture of the two of us as his profile picture, and also there are pics of us all over his facebook wall. We got lots of comments from both our friends and family.

 

Maybe I'm naive...but I just didn't feel there was another woman.

[randomnerd]

You bf has your pic as his FB pic, you talk to his family...I doubt he has someone else. Just remind him and make it clear that this is something you really want. Why not call him?

 

I think if someone doesn't like talking on the phone or doesn't do it frequently, it slips the mind. I am not particularly fond of talking on the phone either. My bf hates it but will do it if I ask him to haha

[ExpatInItaly]

This is moving quite fast; I'd be a little more cautious about making any plans for the future when you don't know him very well yet. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I think having his kids tell you to marry their dad when you've never even met them is a bit premature. How old are they?

 

Regarding the calls: you've told him what you would like. He didn't do it. Communication is key in a LDR, and it doesn't seem to be so great at the moment. Have you tried calling him?

[justwhoiam]

You bf has your pic as his FB pic, you talk to his family...I doubt he has someone else.

I don't think he has someone else either. He wouldn't have gone this far, so quickly.

 

This is moving quite fast; I'd be a little more cautious about making any plans for the future when you don't know him very well yet. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I think having his kids tell you to marry their dad when you've never even met them is a bit premature. How old are they?

 

Regarding the calls: you've told him what you would like. He didn't do it. Communication is key in a LDR, and it doesn't seem to be so great at the moment. Have you tried calling him?

ExaptInItaly is right.

 

Maybe it's all unicorns and rainbows for you right now. You can't think of moving from NYC to Chicago to live with this man permantly, when you don't even know him. What will your first fight be like? How will he react? You don't know him. It's not about spending the weekend together or week for what it matters, as if you were on fantasyland.

 

Also, you told him more than once that you should have phone conversations frequently, and he didn't get it. I guess he did get it, he's just not complying.

 

A) Now, most people don't feel like doing things if they are forced to do them. This might be his case > solution: don't give him orders. Simply do not answer any of his texts. He'll have to pick up the phone and call you to know if you're OK or whatever. And if he'll ask why you didn't answer his texts, you'll just let him know that you're as allergic to texts as he is to phone calls. Maybe he'll get it.

 

B) Or there's a number of reasons why some men seldom call:

1) they don't have a flat plan, so they are charged too much for long distance calls, and men tend to be wise regarding money, especially if they think they'll have to sustain some behavior long-term, they are practical

2) they think the call will last forever and they don't want to go through that; a text is quicker and they have full control on it, while with a call, you never know when it will be over, or how you can end it, etc.

3) they might think they don't have enough to say on the phone, they don't want to come across as boring, most guys hate silences

4) they're just plain lazy, and a text just takes nothing to be sent

 

I must admit option #4 is quite common, and this kind of guy will only learn with some drama, unfortunately. He usually wakes up and takes action only when he feels he's losing you. I guess you can avoid any drama, but just let him feel he can lose you. After all, there's no deal with him yet. You're free. Free to run away, if necessary.