He left me to go back home and now he wants to come back

[Bsala]

Hi everyone!

 

I need help because I am a mess! I have been in a relationship for more than 5 years with an american (I'm european) and he decided to go back home with his family 3 months ago because of his horrible homesickness (after living together 3 years). I supported him because he got depressed and I want to make him happy. So, we decided to give a hiatus to our relationship because we had already experienced a long distance relationship in the past and he wasn't sure about his future with me. I wanted to ge marrried and having a family in the next years and he didn't.

 

Although I am very in love with him and I miss him, I have been trying to keep emotionally strong the last three months. But know he telling me he misses me all the time, he's sad without me, he wants to come back to Europe (BUT after he finishes a year job contract he just signed and maybe after stadying a MA) and he is suddenly thinking about me to be his wife.

 

Although our relationship was magical, at the same time it was a torture because I knew his doubts and I spent more than 5 years (specially the last 3, while we're living together) being sure he was going to go back to US. So, now I can't trust he is really commited to spend his life with me, in Europe, and he's not going to leave me anymore. I am so scared that I don't know if to give our relationship a 2nd opportunity (but God-know-when) or taking him out of my life. It breaks my heart because I had great plans and I really doubt I can find someone like him (and I don't feel like beginning something new, I am tired and he is the one I wanted to share my life). But I don't want to miss other 5 years and maybe getting pregnant and increase the problem when we have a baby and he wants to go to his country (although I think I know him, you never know how much a person can change when there is a child in the middle).

 

My mom just advice me to stop this relationship. She thinks he is going to make me throw my life out.

 

Please, can you tell me your opinions/advices?

 

P.S. I considered to move to his country, but I have to take care of a chronic sick person in my family (nobody wants to take care of her) and I can't move to the States without her.

[Toddbt12y1]

I think he already showed you. After three years, he should have been willing to consider how you might feel. I get that he was home sick, but after a three year relationship, he should have considered your half, and he did not.

 

Not that I do not understand his issue. He misses his home place, and doesn't want to endure the rigorous long distance relationship. But if he was serious about you, he would certainly not abandon you. He could always revisit his home nation (granted, that might not be an option for him). Wait till things could be properly arranged for you.

 

You are right to throw caution into any consideration of restarting another relationship with him. He might leave again. You do not want to be left with a baby. That would certainly make life much harder for you; so, your mother is correct in her assumption. In the end, it will be up to you to consider how you wish to move forward. I'd look at every possibility! Which you clearly are...

 

More likely, he probably misses being in a relationship maybe even you. He probably thought it would not be so hard; first he misses his home country, and now he misses the girl. Certainly confused. That is worth noting.

 

Can't say I'd personally start another relationship with him. If I were you, I'd let him know how I feel and felt about his leaving. Make it clear that if he wants a relationship with you, he cannot simply abandon you. But, the trust you have in him is shaken. Usually without trust, and with a constant fear of him leaving again, the relationship will suffer.

 

I think it admirable that you are taking care of that sick family member. A lot to consider.

[TAV]

I think he should have kept this 'new insight' to himself till his contract was up ánd he finished his studies; it sounds a bit selfish of him to keep you 'in reserve' now for when he is finished with all that. It puts your life on hold while you have already shown him you are in this for the long haul.

 

Of course he would have run the risk to lose you to someone else if he does not 'claim' you but if he really truly loved you he would want you to be happy and have the family that you are longing for. If that is not with him than with someone else who is good to you.

 

And if he is really so in love with you he wants to marry you, be with you all the time and take that chance no matter what, he should have broken his contract, forgot about the studies and knocked on your door this minute to tell you in person that it's you he wants and nobody else.

 

I agree with your mum, you gave enough of your best years and your tender heart to this man. Keep living your life, in a year or so you will feel better and more energetic and hopeful to meet someone new and who knows what may happen.

 

And you have every right to tell him it is all or nothing for you now.

[Crila16]

Home sickness after 3 years? That's an awfully long time to be away from home, to all of a sudden get home sick. Usually you're homesick within the first 6 months, maybe even a year. It sounds like it's an excuse. Now, he could maybe just miss the US living and like it better than in Europe, but that's just a preference. Maybe he just wants to be closer to his family.

 

Anyway, this guy would never have left you if he wanted to marry you. He would have figured out how to get you to go with him, or he would just have married you after 3 years. He knows you by now.

 

It also sounds like he's stringing you along for a year...with the hopes that he'll consider marriage with you, once his contract is up. Your mom is 100% correct. Listen to her. She has your best interest at heart.

 

Now if you truly want to know if this man does love you...leave him and tell him you can't wait. Don't stay with him on his terms. You should only take him back if you feel that you're also getting what you want. If this man loves you, he will never ever in a million years let you go...that I can promise. If he does let you go, he never really truly loved you.

[justwhoiam]

I think your mother is right.