LDR--- he needs time to think

[cappy81]

Hello all

I'm in a LDR, Im 33 , hes 38. We've met up only 3 times..yes we are aware that things started off quite slowly. Initially when we met up we just rolled with it.

Over the past month or so things were finally progressing, our last meet up was 3 weeks ago, thats when I asked if he was dating anyone else and if he would consider just dating exclusively and really focusing on us..seeing where this is going with more effort to see each other and getting more to a deeper level.

He agreed

Then a week after that he backpedaled.

Saying that even though he likes me, and he wants to see me again, he is hesitating. The 3 times we met up, there were 2 instances that we were a bit too drunk (too much wine) and we bickered.

He found this to be a red flag. He had a gf in the past that this occured with all the time.

My answer to that was, maybe we shouldnt drink so much when we meet up. And soberly we dont fight, we get along, and generally most couples arent drunk all day or night with each other. I thought it was a fixable situation.

He also thinks that distance is difficult, he likes things to kinda fall naturally, where as he sees that I like to plan ahead and know when we are meeting up next...(its just the way my schedule for work makes me do things).

 

He says he needs time to think, to give him 1-2 days.....initally we went 5 days without any contact....and i was going crazy. I finally broke and texted to ask how his weekend went. He did reply (thank goodness i honestly thought this man was going to vanish...)....now i just dont know what to do

no contact worked for me in the past...this man is a non-game playing guy.

with LD its always "out of sight out of mind". 5 days and he didnt really reach out either....

i know we both have feelings, i know that I want to see him again.

i just dont know how to go about this. Stay in contact til we figure it out?

stay away from him?

I have no idea which way he is leaning.

it seems like a committment freak out?

 

anyone with thoughts or ideas on what to do?

i'd really appreciate it.

[justwhoiam]

Hi cappy,

 

he's trying to let you know - his own way - that he's fine just going out with you, with no commitment. He doesn't see you as his partner long-term. But as he's single and doesn't have a girlfriend, he takes what's there.

 

Sorry if it doesn't sound as good as you may wish. There doesn't seem to be any enthusiasm from him, no will to plan anything ahead in the near future, go figure long-term. I didn't read about any excitement from him. Nothing sweet. He's not in love with you.

Just my two cents.

[cappy81]

Thanks for replying.

I know he's not in love with me. I dont expect him to be with the small amount of time spent together.

Over 6 months we mostly communicated by text ...daily...but phone calls were scarce...until recently...i think we just were seeing where things were going and it wasnt until about 2 weeks ago where i wanted to really see the full potential of this.

you are right hes not in love with me. im not in love with him. i like him...a lot, i want to get to know him much more. deeper...see him more, talk more etc....

i dont know if this was a freak out....

 

we haven't really had much contact SINCE that conversation..its been a week since our convo, and when he said "i need time to think"

i just dont know how much time...and how to go about this now...

if he wants to end it, why doesn't he just end it?

or if he isnt quite ready for LTR why cant he just say im not sure, but lets see each other some more...

no actions however on his part....

i dont want to push him...but i dont want to wait forever either...

[melodicintention]

...thats when I asked if he was dating anyone else and if he would consider just dating exclusively and really focusing on us..seeing where this is going with more effort to see each other and getting more to a deeper level.

He agreed

Then a week after that he backpedaled.

 

You pushed too much, you are making yourself too available to him and killing the mystery and excitement, and making him feel as if you are trying to pin him down when you don't really know that he's even worth being with the rest of your life. I used to be the same and try to control the relationship by asking such questions, but I've learned this only scares a guy away. Men chase, women run. He can't chase you if you are chasing him. Texting him you are just driving him away further.

 

My advice is back off and let him pursue you. And also, be available to dating other men unless/until he makes a commitment. The more you have other things in your life going on outside of him, the more you create mystery and attraction, you don't do basically telling him he is your life focus before you really even know each other.

 

And yes, not drinking is a good idea.

[cappy81]

In the past when I Have waited for a man to bring up exclusively dating.. He didnt. I'm 33 I can't wait forever This was long distance. As in we were flying to see each other.. It was costly. And it had been over Six months of talking. I couldn't afford to waste time or money if this guy wasn't willing to at least see me more often. I had to ask. I didn't ask for anything more

 

Now I haven't heard from him in the last week. I don't know how much more time to give it. I'll start seeing other people.. I just want to know if this is a done deal.. His last convo with Mr was i do want to see you again I just feel like I should really think about this give me a coupleof days.. .

[gamman]

Ugh. This isn't a real relationship. Really sorry, but this guy doesn't want you, and from what you've described, he doesn't seem like much of a prize. Have you looked at yourself and tried to figure out why this is so upsetting to you? 33 is young. Too young to settle for bull**** like this.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Thanks for replying.

I know he's not in love with me. I dont expect him to be with the small amount of time spent together.

 

This is not uncommon, don't feel bad! I was recently talking to someone for like 4 months and after our first weekend together (two months after meeting, having like 5-10hr convos a day, Skype, texting), he actually asked me to be his gf. I politely declined because I've been single for 6yrs and want to be sure before tying myself down. Long story short, he had issues with rejection, etc. and then after I didn't say yes the second weekend together (two weeks later) he started distancing himself. He was making plans for even next year. I guess maybe he didn't see me getting as excited, got discouraged and started to ask if it was really worth it.

 

After he went back, we spoke every day, then I didn't hear from him for one day. Then two. Then three. I finally spoke to him, he apologized and he said he should have been more communicative and he said he guess he was having the same thoughts as me, is it really worth it?

 

I told him I have certain standards I won't waiver on, and respect is one of them. You can't go from 100 to 0. He set the bar too high, flying me out to see him the first time then getting tickets to see me again two weeks later to a week after leaving, withdrawing yourself to protect your feelings.

 

I liked him a lot, but not enough to forfeit or forsake all others for something where we'd only see each other every 3 months. LDR is not for the faint at heart. You have to be really sure you're into that person and vice versa to put your all into it. In general too, always be careful of the ones too quick to want to rush into a relationship; they are usually also the quickest to change their minds. The good news is you probably have plenty of local options. I'm most likely moving back to the east coast by next summer so I'll probably be more proactive about my love life once there as I will settle there for a longer term.

[nomadic_butterfly]

In the past when I Have waited for a man to bring up exclusively dating.. He didnt. I'm 33 I can't wait forever This was long distance. As in we were flying to see each other.. It was costly. And it had been over Six months of talking. I couldn't afford to waste time or money if this guy wasn't willing to at least see me more often. I had to ask. I didn't ask for anything more

 

Now I haven't heard from him in the last week. I don't know how much more time to give it. I'll start seeing other people.. I just want to know if this is a done deal.. His last convo with Mr was i do want to see you again I just feel like I should really think about this give me a coupleof days.. .

 

You did nothing wrong and are thinking like a reasonable adult. This is an investment and as such you should get ROI. If I was forking out $$$ and all the jazz, I would want to know as well. 33 isn't old, but it's too old to throw caution to the wind. If it was just a closer driving distance by a few hrs, fine, but across states and countries, that's tricky.

 

I wouldn't keep spending lots myself or allow the guy I was talking to to keep doling out $$ if it was unsure it was going anywhere. It's like, there are way too many local, lower cost alternatives to spend hundreds or more each siting/visits if the person wasn't sure. You weren't asking for too much. We need affection, attention and security.

[cappy81]

. You weren't asking for too much. We need affection, attention and security.

 

Thank you

 

I dont feel as if I did anything wrong. I think if this was local yes things would have worked.

why do i feel the way I feel? well because I really did like this guy. it was someone i grew closer to over the past 6-7 months. I allowed myself to fall and to be open...and being 33 I didnt want to waste anymore time and money being a fling to this man...and believe me I know there are men out there that will allow things like this to continue for years because they;d say "we never talked about exclusivity"...im not going to be the fool.

 

Im crushed he disappeared after saying that he will think about it.

I wish he had the balls to actually speak up and end it rather than disappear.

i feel like im still holding out a little hope that he reconsiders but i suppose in due time this too shall pass...reaching out to him makes me feel like im grasping...that im the needy woman that makes men run....on the flip side...waiting silently makes me feel pathetic too. im moving on clearly but i wish i knew one way or another from him...

[nomadic_butterfly]

Thank you

 

I dont feel as if I did anything wrong. I think if this was local yes things would have worked.

why do i feel the way I feel? well because I really did like this guy. it was someone i grew closer to over the past 6-7 months. I allowed myself to fall and to be open...and being 33 I didnt want to waste anymore time and money being a fling to this man...and believe me I know there are men out there that will allow things like this to continue for years because they;d say "we never talked about exclusivity"...im not going to be the fool.

 

Im crushed he disappeared after saying that he will think about it.

I wish he had the balls to actually speak up and end it rather than disappear.

i feel like im still holding out a little hope that he reconsiders but i suppose in due time this too shall pass...reaching out to him makes me feel like im grasping...that im the needy woman that makes men run....on the flip side...waiting silently makes me feel pathetic too. im moving on clearly but i wish i knew one way or another from him...

 

Don't reach out! What I like to do when I want to send a really emotional email (whether anger, desperation, upset, etc.) is write out all my feelings and thoughts in an email, and send it TO MYSELF. You've already said all you needed to say and he knows where you stand. Don't surrender to his cowardice.

 

He needs to man up and spit it out. You are absolutely right about the exclusivity. Why spend hundreds (if not thousands) a year on booty call when you have so much free supply at your disposal nearby? Don't contact him. Don't ever set the tone where you are chasing a man. I'd even say the same to a guy. It takes mutual effort. It's not rocket science for him to know.

 

Experience has taught me people that are wishy washy/unsure, inconsiderate, not forthright, etc. from the beginning seldom change their behavior in the end. You two are not teenagers anymore but rather experienced adults who at this point should be a place of emotional maturity. He might not be there yet, which should be alarming for you. There's also a lot of men who feel the fade out or evasion spares a woman's feelings but for a lot of us, it doesn't; we NEED closure.

 

I believe he most likely eventually will reach out to you (even if it's months from now) but don't sit around waiting for it. Trust me, I've met a good number of guys who've already "been there, done that" and are looking to settle down, so they are out there. The key is finding a like-minded person whom you are attracted to and are compatible with for long term success. Don't give up hope; love has a way of taking us by surprise if we keep and open mind and heart for it!

Edited August 7, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly