Newbie - First LDR Fight - words of wisdom?

[eclectic-ldr]

Hello,

 

I'm a newbie here - I've been dating OH for 2 & 1/2 years, LDR as of 1 month yesterday. We're about 4 hours away from each other by train, trying to see each other every other weekend, occasionally more.

 

We're in very frequent contact, text, email, facetime a few times a week and always updating each other with what we're up to and what's going on.

 

Things have been going well, but we had our first LDR fight yesterday, I was upset that he had gone out with a close female friend without telling me - and it's only when he hangs out with her that he doesn't tell me first. I do trust him but this has shaken me a bit - I am also miffed as the weekend he came to see me I planned things for us, but when I saw him last weekend we worked in his garden and paint stripped his wall... despite me asking if we could go out as I had something to celebrate.

 

He was meant to be here this weekend but couldn't afford to come, he went out with her yesterday, and has failed to book his next visit, despite promising to do so initially last weekend and then on Thursday when he got paid.

 

I was wrong to get upset about him hanging out with her, but he messaged me after I got upset asking for no contact until Sunday as what I did "wasn't cool".

 

My head's a bit of a mess - I was wrong but he's also not making me feel very secure right now. Putting a couple of days space between us isn't helping that right now either.

 

Having recently moved I'm nearer my parents now, but friends wise still pretty isolated as it's only been a month and I only have one colleague. I haven't got a very good handle on things right now and need someone to give me a friendly slap please!

 

Sorry that was long for a first outpouring!

Eclectic

[TAV]

Why do you think you are wrong to be upset? Sounds to me you have a few valid reasons.

 

If he has nothing to hide why not just tell you he is going to hang out with her? Sounds weird to me. It also sounds like he is taking you for granted if he ignores your own wishes on your visit to him. On the other hand why do you let him call all the shots? If you wanted to celebrate something then celebrate. He also failed to make new plans with you, not nice and a bad omen maybe.

 

How much is the train fare? Going out costs money too, right? Are you sure that was a valid excuse or maybe he was already thinking about taking a break from you? And you played right into his plans by starting a fight?

 

You moved away from your bf and all your friends to be near your parents. Why? Are they ill? I do not understand that choice. Explain please. And how did your bf feel about you moving away?

[eclectic-ldr]

Hi,

 

Thanks, I'll try and answer everything!

 

So I moved primarily for an amazing job offer (one that I could never have found where I was living), secondly because I grew up here and have always wanted to move back (ideally with him though!) after spending years away (and he has always known that this was in my plans) and also to be nearer to my parents as they're elderly.

 

So to address him going out with her: it wouldn't have cost him anything as it was just hanging out by the river where he lives, it's like "the thing to do" in the Summer.

 

His reaction to my move: He was extremely supportive of my move (despite us both being a bit anti LDR) and has always been very committed to us - I've been introduced to all his family (only girl brought home). To illustrate my point, I had a slight pregnancy scare the other week and I was the one far more panicked by the prospect, he was totally fine with it. His main issue is that he doesn't always verbalise how he feels very well and I do often have to ask.

 

The first 10 days apart he didn't initiate saying ILY and so I stopped saying it to see what would happen - when we met that weekend, he was all fine and I sat him down and asked him straight out as by that time I was imagining all sorts - turns out the time had flown by because he'd been so busy and hadn't even realised... I then clearly told him that it's something that I need to hear on a regular, along with general affectionate terms.

 

I know this girl and there's nothing for me to worry about there (despite her delightful underwear modelling photos on facebook - I'm dealing with it, really lol!) - but I'm feeling like I'm sharing him with her - we both get his time, support, (they work together) emails and texts, etc so when I'm not there to have the physical aspect I'm not sure how different it is. She buys him gifts whenever she goes on holiday, I even said to him last weekend that I wasn't feeling very comfortable with the fact that there are more gifts in his room from her than from me...

 

If he was more committed and excited about coming to see me, and made more effort when I came to see him none of the above would really matter - but he's so mellow yellow and committed in his head that it's a done deal and he is very horizontally chilled. He is also 100% trusting to the point that I don't think he has a jealous bone in his body unless someone was practically groping me in front of him.

 

I'm hating not contacting him today but I don't want to cave in and apologise without discussing what's really getting to me - I thought I might draft an email with an apology for not discussing it like an adult but at the same time explaining the bigger picture and why I got upset?

 

ETA: it costs us about 200 euros round trip to visit each other... minimum 160 if we book it early - not his strong point!

Edited August 2, 2014 by eclectic-ldr
ETA: train budget!

[USMCHokie]

I speak from personal experience with an LDR...my situation is reversed from yours in that it started as a LDR rather than turned into one. You must establish an end goal; that is, a definitive date that you two will close the gap. If you can't, then end the relationship. It won't last and it's not the way to live. If my current SO hadn't moved when she did, we both knew it'd be over.

 

I understand it sounds like an ultimatum for the relationship, but perpetual LDRs are kind of stupid, in my opinion. Based on the story you've given and my own perspective, it doesn't look good unless the gap is closed soon...

[Tayla]

Build your career and confidence. Which I think you are in the process of doing. Accentuate his positives and work towards a middle ground. I respect most guys that maintain stability as opposed to going off the deep end when their partner is not in sight. Some LDR's work out and when they do its a lovely re-union

 

I have legitimate committed guy friends and I always make it a point to be introduced to their committed partner. It eases the tension and assures the couple that I am of zero threat. One being, I do not interecede on committed or even troubled relations. Most ladies that have that underlying threat in their head do so for trust issues with the same gender. Not that they distrust their committed partner. I support the concept of giving it time and allowing things to settle down before re-visting the subject. Communication styles may differ yet the heart knows how to handle the bumps in the road. This was a bump to re-kindle your genuine dedication towards the relationship.

[justwhoiam]

Sorry, but I agree with TAV.

 

1) Are you sure you checked all the options available to meet up with your boyfriend? Buses, trains, a car?? Maybe you can see if there are car sharing options.

 

2) If the train is so expensive, you might meet halfway and sleep in a cheap hotel. Because half trip doesn't necessarily equal half price. Maybe it's less than half price. It depends on how the fare is calculated (area vs miles/kms)

 

3) If she's a colleague, they already spend all day together, what gives in being with her after work or in his spare time anyway? Hmm something doesn't add up. I don't care if they're just friends. Actually, I would have paid for his trip just so he wasn't spending the weekend with this girl. I mean, what? And she models in her underwear. No way. So, what does he do? Does he work at an agency for models?

 

I guess you need to set boundaries in your LDR and a few rules. Maybe he doesn't want to have any rules. But who can have an exclusive relationship with no rules?

 

Anyway, good luck.

 

P.S. What does "OH" stand for? And what does "horizontally chilled" mean??

[GemmaUK]

P.S. What does "OH" stand for? And what does "horizontally chilled" mean??

 

OH = Other Half

Horizontally chilled = the same as 'so laid back he is almost horizontal' or 'very chilled/relaxed always'

 

OP, why does he never say when he meets this woman? Have you asked why? How did he react?

 

Sounds like he is punishing you with stating no contact.

 

I'm wondering if the rest is some kind of punishment for your move?

 

Or, maybe he isn't invested in the RS any longer and your move means an easy 'get out' for him.

[eclectic-ldr]

Thanks everyone,

I dont know what happened... last weekend it was all lovey dovey and talking about wedding dresses and now this...

 

Its making me sick. Ive taken my day and im going up to see him as a surprise - if it is going to end I at least want it to be done to my face. I'm exhausted and tearful and mad and hurt and everything in between right now. I have no idea what will be waiting for me at the other end. Trying to prepare myself for anything.

 

Im at my wits end.

[TAV]

Thanks everyone,

I dont know what happened... last weekend it was all lovey dovey and talking about wedding dresses and now this...

 

Its making me sick. Ive taken my day and im going up to see him as a surprise - if it is going to end I at least want it to be done to my face. I'm exhausted and tearful and mad and hurt and everything in between right now. I have no idea what will be waiting for me at the other end. Trying to prepare myself for anything.

 

Im at my wits end.

 

Good luck, OP.

 

Maybe it was already in the cards that this would not work since you are both not a fan of LD (but then; who is??) and that you obviously wanted him to move with you but for some reason he couldn't or refused.

 

Not having you around makes the attention he gets from the other girl all that much more important to him. I hope you are not naive enough to think that it doesn't. Maybe he is feeling that he is emotionally betraying you and that makes him feel bad, could explain the temporary NC. Anyway, it's not a good sign when you need breaks from each other. Especially since being in a LDR there is enough distance between you already.

 

Let us know how it went, we are genuinely interested.

[justwhoiam]

So when's the day? Today?