Insecure in an LDR

[twinpines]

Hi all and thanks for such an informative and helpful site!

 

I am in love with a girl who I have been seeing since April. We have visited each other a half a dozen times and back and forth depending on our schedules and time off.

 

It started a little insecurely, we actually met over 2 years ago and got on very well, but other than a lovely chat and connection, nothing happened and we kept in touch on and off over the 2 years.

 

She and I started talking again earlier this year and had a really fun and happy Skype chat - I had asked her out on a date and she accepted. She visited me and it all started from there. We became closer and closer and over the last three months it has been quite an intense rollercoaster of a time.

 

She began very tentatively though, due to her doubts about the distance and our age gap (over 10 years.) I am in my late thirties and she in her mid twenties.

 

Over time she became more settled, but had made the point early on that this might not last forever and that she felt that her doubts about the future would only resurface - that I would be too old to have kids by the time she was ready and that it would not work. I tried to reassure her that it was too early to worry about this now - and that we should just see what happens and not look too far into the future at this stage.

 

Then she decided, on her own, that she was very happy and she just wanted to go for it - about 2 months in.

 

As you can imagine maybe, I had spent a great deal of time biting my nails and worrying about the possibility that I would/could be dumped and rejected at any moment, and unfortunately this has affected my confidence in the entire relationship.

 

I feel very alone in this feeling - despite having tried to talk to her about it - and she is also not someone who finds it easy discussing her feelings. She goes very hot and cold on me sometimes, not responding to texts for hours and sometimes 'seeming' ok with less contact.

 

We are very physically attracted to one another and there is no issue there, but I just never get the feeling that I'm really with her. We have told each other that we are falling in love with each other, said I love you, but I still feel somehow that this is not on steady ground.

 

It is possible that the long distance is just making this worse for me, and increasing my insecurity about it, but I have to say that - day in day out this is causing more suffering than happiness. My friends say this has taken control of my life - and not necessarily in a good way.

 

Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.

Edited July 30, 2014 by twinpines

[twinpines]

friendly bump

[K0203]

Hi all and thanks for such an informative and helpful site!

 

I am in love with a girl who I have been seeing since April. We have visited each other a half a dozen times and back and forth depending on our schedules and time off.

 

It started a little insecurely, we actually met over 2 years ago and got on very well, but other than a lovely chat and connection, nothing happened and we kept in touch on and off over the 2 years.

 

She and I started talking again earlier this year and had a really fun and happy Skype chat - I had asked her out on a date and she accepted. She visited me and it all started from there. We became closer and closer and over the last three months it has been quite an intense rollercoaster of a time.

 

She began very tentatively though, due to her doubts about the distance and our age gap (over 10 years.) I am in my late thirties and she in her mid twenties.

 

Over time she became more settled, but had made the point early on that this might not last forever and that she felt that her doubts about the future would only resurface - that I would be too old to have kids by the time she was ready and that it would not work. I tried to reassure her that it was too early to worry about this now - and that we should just see what happens and not look too far into the future at this stage.

 

Then she decided, on her own, that she was very happy and she just wanted to go for it - about 2 months in.

 

As you can imagine maybe, I had spent a great deal of time biting my nails and worrying about the possibility that I would/could be dumped and rejected at any moment, and unfortunately this has affected my confidence in the entire relationship.

 

I feel very alone in this feeling - despite having tried to talk to her about it - and she is also not someone who finds it easy discussing her feelings. She goes very hot and cold on me sometimes, not responding to texts for hours and sometimes 'seeming' ok with less contact.

 

We are very physically attracted to one another and there is no issue there, but I just never get the feeling that I'm really with her. We have told each other that we are falling in love with each other, said I love you, but I still feel somehow that this is not on steady ground.

 

It is possible that the long distance is just making this worse for me, and increasing my insecurity about it, but I have to say that - day in day out this is causing more suffering than happiness. My friends say this has taken control of my life - and not necessarily in a good way.

 

Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.

 

Hello,

 

If I've learned anything from everyone on this site, it's that in an Ldr or any relationship, it takes both people to be dedicated for it to work.

I'm in a ldr relationship with a man who is 23 years older than me so I have to say that she has every right to feel that way. If she wants children in the future, that level of incompatibility is present. If she's not ready to have them until later in her life, you may not be able to provide that for her and she may come to regret and resent. That said, men are much more likely to continue producing children unlike women. So her actual complaint may be that by the time she does want kids, you won't be there for them once they get older perhaps?

 

I have the exact same doubts as her from time to time. Like you've described, in the beginning I voiced those same concerns and my bf said that it shouldn't affect our chemistry, etc. So I pushed on and it's good I did. It's been 3 months or so now since our Real Life first meeting in April and I'm willing to make it work and I know I couldn't imagine life any other way without him. I also am okay with not having kids, even though he wouldn't mind having more..

 

I thought I'd respond since I see some similarities in our separate situations. So I hope I can help. My message sounds a little harsh to me but if she's not in it 100%, it would be painful to sit back and watch and wait for your expiration date.

[twinpines]

thanks for your reply, and it was a hard one to read, but I appreciate your honesty.

 

I think she is relaxing into the idea that the age gap is not so much of an issue, but I remain permanently in this anxiety mode because of her lack of contact, day to day.

 

The bottom line is that she is ok with the relationship on her terms, and what I'm looking for is a deep, mutually trusting, loving connection with her, but I fear that she is too young, or perhaps not as interested as I am.

 

Last night I texted her I love you. She texted back I love you too. For some reason, my gut is telling me that she is saying all the right things, but not feeling them.

[USMCHokie]

Close the distance as soon as possible. Have a tangible endstate, like a no sh*t date when you plan to close the gap. Otherwise don't waste your time with LDR. I speak from personal experience with current SO. If she hadn't moved when she did, we wouldn't be together right now, and we both knew it.

 

It's definitely not the way to live.

[K0203]

Close the distance as soon as possible. Have a tangible endstate, like a no sh*t date when you plan to close the gap. Otherwise don't waste your time with LDR. I speak from personal experience with current SO. If she hadn't moved when she did, we wouldn't be together right now, and we both knew it.

 

It's definitely not the way to live.

 

I completely agree with him above.

 

To me though, I wouldn't want to be with someone I can't be completely honest with, whether in an ldr or in a close relationship..

I suggest sharing what you said you're feeling with her and ask her to be honest with you what she is feeling about your relationship or other doubts you have. Like her texting I love you and not meaning it.. My bf said I love way to quick with me and I feel guilty that I just said it back to him without truly knowing if I felt that way. I only had a strong liking for him then. He told me afterwards he falls in love too quickly with people. Whereas I took some time to truly feel I was in love with him. So your suspicions could be true. Give her some time.. I'm not saying you can't let her know every now and then that you feel that way but just know she may love you but not be completely "in love" with you just yet. She'll say it first when she does mean it. Maybe when you're in person together? That's why I agree more time in person together can only help strengthen your love..

Don't live in anxiety. A relationship is supposed to feel good right? After first sharing your feelings with each other as suggested then discuss the advice from above..

 

Good luck!

[justwhoiam]

You sound like a great man.

 

To sum it up:

 

1) Confidence is your best ally, never forget about that. You lose that, you might lose her. She's insecure, you must comfort her and reassure her. Should you start having doubts as well, I guess it's over between you two.

 

2) If the topic of future/family/children doesn't come up anymore, you should make it happen, somehow. You can put in that your uncle, great-uncle, grandfather, whatever, had kids at X years, etc. In a funny way. I'm afraid she's thinking the way she is because you gave her reasons to. Do you easily get physically tired? Are you in good shape?

 

3) Regarding her lack of contact and that kind of "I'll say what you want to hear" approach, it's not good and you need to do something about it ASAP. It's not easy right now for you, because if you space out contact, anything might die soon, and if you try too hard, you might push her away. I'd say, be sweet, let her have gifts from you, even the smallest things, but keep it on. Don't say ILU too often. Give her time to feel it to the point she has to say it. Are you making love with her? If you do, do it passionately, and vary stuff... When you're far away from each other, arrange a date with her if you can. A cyber-date. Set day and time and what.

 

Come back and tell us how it's going.

[twinpines]

Thanks very much for your replies.

 

I do agree that she may well have loving feelings towards me but isn't quite there yet.

 

This weekend is a perfect example of how it could (or feels like it) go wrong.

 

I have not been replying quite as much to her texts, because, as hard as it is to admit this, I really dislike the fact that she only contacts me sporadically. But ironically what I'm doing now is not even answering her attempts at contact, and I must know that this will ultimately cause her to be pushed away.

 

Which I don't want to do at all. I am just trying, in another country - whilst she is super busy and I'm not as busy - to have some feeling of my own balance in this relationship.

 

If I'm now dreading her calls and not responding to her texts, I'm not making this anything other than worse. But it's a self protection thing - it hurts to feel as though someone is less invested and can happily get through the weekend with limited contact.

[twinpines]

justwhoiam, I thought I would respond to your questions as well.

 

We are 'intimate' and it has been very passionate and there is nothing wrong there at all, always has been very natural and amazing experience.

 

I'm also in really good shape and don't get tired at all easily. I'm also someone in their late thirties that looks a lot younger, which I am very lucky for.

[justwhoiam]

We are 'intimate' and it has been very passionate and there is nothing wrong there at all, always has been very natural and amazing experience.

 

I'm also in really good shape and don't get tired at all easily. I'm also someone in their late thirties that looks a lot younger, which I am very lucky for.

Then I'm not sure why he's thinking the way she is...

 

Let her know you're a good catch. She would realize about that if you get other women's or girls' attention. When you're with her and you get looked at, or on FB or on other social media if you upload pictures of you. You could try with a couple of attractive pictures. Like you didn't mean to be sexy, but you came across as such.

[twinpines]

I just got off a 6 hour video chat on Skype. She broke it off with me. Crying like a baby right now to be honest and I never expected that. But I guess, deep down, I always had a feeling this would happen...

[twinpines]

My doubts must have come from a real place. I have told her that I am in love with her and that I will always feel that way about her. That she has all the time she needs, to figure herself out. That I will be there for her as a friend. It's how much I love her that I'm willing to do this. Not out of expectation, but because I would rather have her in my life than not.

[justwhoiam]

I just got off a 6 hour video chat on Skype. She broke it off with me. Crying like a baby right now to be honest and I never expected that. But I guess, deep down, I always had a feeling this would happen...

Oh well, I guess you'll count your blessings very soon

You can't be with someone who doesn't love you. And even if she did, she's not in love with you.

 

Time to move on.

 

You need to go NC for that. Don't turn tender-hearted should she come back. Be firm and stick to it.

[twinpines]

sorry to be blunt, because this is very raw. But how do you know she is not in love with me?

[twinpines]

is no contact better because it gives her a chance to think about how she really feels?

[justwhoiam]

I think that to go from love and passion to an only-friends situation, you need years of knowing one another. Years of contact and relationship. Or it might happen when you've been friends for a number of years, then you try being together, and you end up as friends again. That's possible.

 

In any other case, it's very very rare.

 

I'll be blunt with you too. Don't be her doormat. Do not allow that. Have some dignity. Some self-respect. A woman will hardly respect you if you act like a doormat. And when respect is out of the door, attraction will be gone and lost too. So what will you have? What kind of friend? You should spend your energies better, for a woman who will love you with all herself and you'll know what it means. You deserve it.

[USMCHokie]

Edit: Wrong LDR thread...

[twinpines]

thanks again justwhoiam, you are being awesome.

 

I am going through a series of feelings right now, fresh from today's experience on Skype. I'm angry that not only did I not read the signs that are setting off major alarm bells earlier on (in March) - angry that I kept seeing her despite her telling me essentially that she "didn't know what to do with me".

 

I'm also frustrated at myself for taking whatever crumbs I was thrown and somehow piecing them together to make a story that she wanted to be with me.

 

Every long wait between texts, odd inconsistent behaviour and constant reminder of how unimportant I felt in her life - I just carried on - for nearly 5 months, believing that somehow this would work out. I suffered a lot through this.

 

And finally, it's a personal issue yes - but I'm going to have a really hard time convincing myself that this is NOT because I was not good enough for her. It's a long story but has a lot to do with women "loving me" but not being "in love" with me. It goes back a long way, but is a genuine insecurity.

[Crila16]

10 years is absolutely nothing between people, male or female. My ex bf was 9 years younger than me. We couldn't have cared less. Once you pass 10 years, it can start to become difficult.

 

As for the kids thing. When is it ever too late or a guy too old to have kids? A guy who owns the company next to where I work, is 86 years old, and has a 3 yr old daugher with his 40 yr old wife. You can have kids when you're 60, but she may not when she's 50. If she has kids at 35 yrs old, you'll only be 45 yrs old...what's wrong with that?

 

What's the real issue here, because that's just an excuse. I just don't think she's madly in love with you yet. I think she likes you a lot, but has excuses when she feels she wants to pull away a bit and to let you know if she bolts, you'll at least have a logical reason why. I think at this moment, you like her more than she likes you...but I don't doubt for a minute that her feelings will grow and she'll fall for you.

 

I'm telling you...the kids/age thing is just a BS excuse. I've actually broken up with guys, using the fact that they were divorced and had kids, and I wasn't ready for that. Now I'm dating a guy divorced with kids, and I couldn't care less. I'm in love.

[twinpines]

Crila16, thank you so much, I really needed to hear this today.

 

I think you are right, she just isn't in that place right now and her doubts do feel more like excuses. I think she is scared too, scared of being in love or something?

 

I actually flew over to see her this week to take her out to dinner and we had 2 amazing nights together. Her eyes were beaming, her smile was ear to ear when she saw me. She held my hand, kissed me first and could not stop smiling.

 

She said she could not believe I had come all the way to see her and we had a fun, laughter and very passion filled time, before I flew home.

 

I needed to know I've done all I can at this point - I needed to come home knowing I had given my all and shown her (and me) how amazing we are when we are together.

 

I guess time will tell right?

[twinpines]

Today she put off visiting me again, for the second time - due to financial reasons. I offered to help out in order to allow us to spend time together sooner (rather than waiting another 4 weeks) - but she insists that she cannot allow me to pay for anything else.

 

I'm really confused. I already reached a point where I wanted to walk away and was giving this another chance - but it just feels wrong.

 

I don't know what to do

[twinpines]

anyone have any advice?

[justwhoiam]

It takes two. If she wants out, what can you do? Roll over the floor? Move on. No girl in her sane mind would drop her boyfriend because she's broke. She probably checked out of it a while ago.

 

At this point, the reasons why shouldn't be your problem anymore. You either want to be with someone or you don't.

[twinpines]

she said not to get her wrong in this and that she wants to see me, but she wants to feel in control and not have no money to make any decisions - take me out for dinner or treat me to anything...

[twinpines]

I thought I would update this.

 

I have reached a stage where I'm not going to get an answer. She has said that one of the reasons she was afraid of telling me her doubts was because she did not want me thinking she was keeping me in suspense, or just for fun.

 

I texted her the other night - "Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

 

She replied "I thought I already was..."

 

But my gut is still eating away at me. Do I need to be upfront and firm with her and just say 'Do you want to continue this or break up?'

 

I just don't understand why she would keep responding with wanting to be in a relationship if she was unsure or faking it?